jossed

This is my first post. I am not even sure where or how to begin. I guess that's indicative of where I've been spending most of the past six months: in confusion!

I started going to Al-Anon six months ago, two meetings a week. I got a sponsor and started working Step 1 a few weeks ago. I live alone; my last dating relationship was a brief one, a few months of dating a friend who had about 25 years of sobriety. Before that, I spent six years with an ACOA teetotaler with undiagnosed mental illness, and before that, I was married nine years to an alcoholic who was emotionally and verbally abusive.

I am very grateful to be living alone and able to focus on myself and my recovery. But (you knew there was a "but" coming, right?) I am struggling with some Al-Anon concepts and with my own fears and desires. I've spent a lot of time reading past threads and I'm excited by the ESH I'm finding here!

I have a lot of friends, but they (and I) lead busy lives. They travel, have new grandkids, earn Master's degrees, etc. Getting together with them takes a lot schedule juggling. I work in an industry populated mostly by women, and I miss having a man in my life, but although I would love to date, I am also wanting to break old unhealthy patterns. The problem is, I am not always sure which patterns are unhealthy. I often wonder, "Does this feel wrong because it is wrong? Is it a bad habit I developed to avoid my XAH's rage? Or does this feel wrong only because it's unfamiliar, but it is what healthy people do?"

Today I am feeling frustrated and confused about plans I had for the weekend with male friends. One I've known only for a short time, and he has made it clear through his actions that he is just being friendly. I am not attracted to him; he is just an acquaintance who might become a friend. Last week, he invited me to a community holiday event, and when I called him today, he wasn't sure he wanted to go after all. He said he'd call me this afternoon and let me know, and I never heard back.

The other guy is a friend of 30 years who disappeared for a decade and resurfaced earlier this year. I am attracted to him as more than a friend, but there are many reasons a relationship would be unwise right now, so I am standing guard on my heart. He is a full-time caregiver for his elderly parent and is pretty much housebound. Where his parent goes, he goes. Every once in awhile, another family member is able to watch his parent for an evening so he can go out. Sometimes, the family member changes their mind or something comes up. This weekend was one of those times.

I had alternate plans in place so I wouldn't feel disappointed if he had to cancel, but he has asked if next weekend would work for me. I wasn't prepared for that, and I am not sure what I want. Living with an aging parent can be hard (at least, it is in this case), and my friend fights depression. I know it is not my job to cheer him up, but cheering each other up is part of being friends. I would worry about it if it were the foundation of our friendship, but it is only one aspect.

Last-minute cancelations are triggery for me — with female or male friends, but especially with men. Making plans with someone and then having them disappear into silence is triggery for me. I am telling myself it is okay to feel sad and disappointed when I don't get to spend time with people I like, and I cheer myself up by having a fun Plan B (and often Plan C) to fall back on. I am telling myself that when people have precarious health or are caregivers, plans can change suddenly, without warning. That's just the nature of the situation.

At the same time, I want friends who are available, stable, and reliable. My XAH and the other two relationships of the past 20 years were prone to last-minute changes in plans, and I spent a lot of time in solitary compensatory Plan Bs and Plan Cs. Now when people cancel at the last minute, I start telling myself that I'm worthless and boring, and of course no one wants to spend time with me. I wish I could shrug it off the way I used to. I hate what happened to that optimistic, happy, sexy woman I used to be. Part of me wants her back, but another part of me thinks, "Why? Just to get her heart ripped out again?"

So I'm struggling with how available to make myself to my old friend, whose schedule is so unpredictable. My triggers are not his problem, so I don't want to tell him how uncomfortable I am, but I'm not sure how much disappointment I want to cope with right now. We don't get together often — every six to eight weeks or so we go to dinner, a movie, or some local cultural event — but even getting shunted aside that rarely makes me cringe. I get disappointment from a lot of directions in life. I don't want it in my friendships. Part of me thinks I'm being oversensitive and unreasonable, but I'm afraid of getting hurt.

It sucks that something that should be so easy — calling friends to hang out and do stuff — is now so unnerving and complicated because of XAH. I second-guess my feelings all the time. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to expect people never to have last-minute schedule changes, and I know it hurts more than it should because of it I experienced in past relationships. I also know I let it happen. It happened with my consent. I don't want to give consent again. But if I say sure, next week is fine, open myself up to the possibility that he has to cancel again, am I repeating an unhealthy pattern by consenting to be treated like crap, or does it just feel like I'm being treated like crap?

I guess if I look at it in light of Step 1, I realize I am powerless over other people's schedules. I am powerless of other people's health and lives. I am powerless to see the future. I am powerless over other people's feelings. I am powerless over my past and my memories. I am powerless over my desire for stability and trust. My HP knows what I need, and if I let go and let God, he will give me everything I need. If God is for me, nothing can prevail over me; not loneliness or fear from the past or fear of the future. I am responsible for paying attention to how I feel, being honest about where I am and what I want. I want to be careful, I want to be confident, I want to have people in my life who I enjoy being with, and I enjoy being with my friend. I can avoid him because I might be hurt, or I can make plans with him and let go of my expectations and take things one day at a time. The planets do not revolve around me. I am not the center of the universe. If somebody's parent needs care and they have to cancel plans, that is about them, not about me.

Whew. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel so crazy sometimes.

Impurrfect

((Jossed)) - Welcome to SR! It may be a little slow here, right now, as most USA people are asleep but I'm sure you will get many responses.

I can only share my ES&H as both a recovering addict (RA) and recovering codependent (codie) who has loved ones who are As (addicts/alcoholics).

I had to work on why I was attracted to the "bad boys" and am still not sure of the origin as I was raised to believe I could be whatever I wanted to be.

FWIW, I've been single for a long time. Thanks to everyone here, I realized I needed to be okay with ME before thinking about a relationship.

That doesn't mean I don't have friends, or that I don't enjoy guys flirting with me..it just means that I'm trying to make the best of my life without depending on someone else. If I do get into another relationship? I want someone who complements me, not completes me.

This forum has helped me get to this point, and I hope it does the same for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself comfortable by reading and posting as often as needed!

I think you are doing great ~ remember our recovery is progress, not perfection. You are seeing areas that may trigger you to react, and that is a good awareness to have. You are seeing your reactions in a new light.

When I began dating after marriage to an active alcoholic, I took time to focus on myself. I took time to find out what I wanted my life to be like, then I looked at what I wanted from a relationship. I was then able to determine if a relationship was healthy for ME or not.

I think you will be okay. Keep working on being a better YOU, and we will be here to support you along the way.

jossed

I want someone who complements me, not completes me.

Impurrfect, thank you! That is a lovely idea.

And Pelican, thank you for the welcome and for reminding me that recovery is a process, it's not about perfection. I am definitely becoming aware of more things... I'm just not sure what to do with that awareness at times. I'm grateful for the idea (i think it's from the Al-Anon Family Groups blue book) that if I'm not sure what to do, it's okay to do nothing.

BlueSkies1

Two very different situations.

The friend that was supposed to call you back and didn't has shown you that you cannot rely on him. When somebody shows you who they are--believe them.

The friend taking care of aging parents is a different story. He has responsibilities that go beyond the norm, and this has to be taken into account. I'm sure he would love to go out whenever he felt like it, yet he has taken on the burden of taking care of his parents, who for many years, took care of him. He's only semi-available for outings. No doubt he would love to spontaneously go out on the town!

I vote that you continue to build your circle of friends until it is large enough that you have a more difficult decision--as in several invites for all your free nights, and you have to choose between them.
Meet your own needs this way.

LifeRecovery

Though the issues I struggle with are different the confusion I can relate to.

Al-Anon and recovery has brought up some big, complicated, old ways of being for me and has shown a light on them that is unflattering in the least. It is like a well worn path for me though, and I don't always know another path to take.

While I am bush wacking a new path I am confused, second guess myself a lot and have to sort out the fine details and minutia of what I am feeling.

I have found that in addition to Al-Anon (where a lot of my ah-ha moments come), I am blessed to have a counselor versed in Al-Anon and when needed I get to talk about the confusion etc. It is very helpful to me, and it is very affirming that recovery is a process, that I am working hard, but that part of the hard work is confusing, overwhelming etc.

inpieces314

Recovery doesn't happen overnight. When something comes up, the way to judge your recovery is not by the situation itself, but how you handle it.

When you are meant to be around people who will be healthy for you, you will know it. That is another sign of starting to recover: a bulls--- filter so you can tell who is being honest or not. Just be careful until you know.

jossed

MadeOfGlass, thank you for the distinction. I know "actions speak louder than words," but I get confused about how much the <i>why</i> beneath the actions matter. I feel like my second friend is unreliable for a "good reason" (he has family obligations) while the first acquaintance… I have no idea what was going on with him.

It is an ongoing struggle for me to decide whether it even matters what a person's reasons are. Do I want to wait for their explanation before I decide how to feel? I've spent so much of my life doing that.

A friend of mine recently got a new phone and her voicemailbox is always full, so I'm never able to leave her a message. She said her phone was too complicated. I was so frustrated.

Recently, she confessed her ex is an alcoholic who calls her incessantly, so a full voicemailbox saves her from dealing with him. My frustration became compassion… but I could have been compassionate about her phone being too complicated! I could have let go of my frustration <i>at any time</i>. How many people have I resented when they were simply dealing with problems about which I was clueless?

Do the reasons really matter? I don't know. Am I less frustrated? Yes, because I understand her reasons. Has the situation changed? No. I still can't leave her messages.

I guess the important thing for me right now is learning to let go of resentment, blame, disappointment, and fear. I want to learn to make a good decision about what to do next without ignoring reality, but without overthinking it, either. I know I will get lots of practice, and with practice comes progress. BUT IT'S SO CONFUSING AT THE MOMENT.

StarCat

Two friends, two different reasons for unreliability, two different glimpses into souls!

I would say the first one is irresponsibly unreliable. He changed his mind and did not give you the courtesy of calling you back. Making plans with this person isn't any guarantee that anything will happen.
Since you're currently triggered and upset by cancelled plans then perhaps you shouldn't plan any with him or, if you'd still like to spend time with him, plan something where you have multiple friends attending so that if he cancels on you or doesn't show you still move forward with your original plan.

The other is responsibly unreliable, and provides the courtesy of informing you when he cannot hold to the original plan. He sounds like a good sort of person to keep as a friend, but he does not sounds like a reliable "out on the town" sort of person.
Since you are triggered and upset by cancelled plans, perhaps you want to either make your plans with him as ones that he won't cancel even if he's still there with his parents, or else always have a backup plan that he can do while at his parents' if he can't go out.
For example, if your plans are to go out to dinner and then see the new movie that just came out, perhaps having backup plans of getting takeout and watching a rental with microwave popcorn while he's at his parents' may be a nice backup plan / compromise if he can't go out.

And then of course keeping a circle of friends who are available for going out-on-the-town more reliably is also a good solid option.

jossed

StarCat, I like your "ir/responsibly unreliable" distinctions! Thank you!

Also, the quote about the trees and leaves... I love that so much. It has been a very healing concept for me. :-)

Rosiepetal

I think that if you are unsure of whether these people are good or not then take some time out for yourself.
I too have only had 2 long term relationships, 1st my husband 20 yrs & drug abuse ended it.
2nd & very recent an alcoholic boyfriend which I left.
I think we need to educate ourselves & learn as much as we can so that we make the right choice next time or at least know the boundaries for ourselves.
I am taking time out for myself & no great hurry to date until I know I am healthy enough to make healthy choices.
Hugs.