Antidepressants and the alcoholic
 

My AH has been surprisingly NORMAL for about the past week or so. He now speaks to me in sentences instead of one word answers, he's cracking his normal jokes, he's communicating with our son and ragging on him in silly ways, etc. It's very surreal and yet, confusing for me because I don't know which way to turn or what could possibly be coming next. It's always been a course of ups and downs with him for years so I am still on guard, of course.

Anyway, he's been on 2 antidepressants for the past 15 months. I've noticed in the past that he sometimes doesn't take his meds but honestly I haven't been paying attention in the last few months or so because I've given him over to my HP and I don't have time to monitor his medication in the first place. I noticed that he is now taking his meds, visibly taking them in the front of me so I see. I hadn't noticed (or seen) him take his meds in quite a while.

I was doing my own speculating as I try to figure out his newfound amiable personality, and wonder if the meds have something to do with this. When I was with my therapist last week she told me that my AH may not be a full blown alcoholic(yet) but she believes that he has personality disorders out the wazoo, LOL. Based on what I've told her, she feels that he's paranoid, narcissistic, a bit of antisocial in there, and obsessive compulsive. She said that he really needs to get evaluated by a reputable psychologist and get a real diagnosis because personality disorders are the hardest to treat. Unfortunately, many PD people(especially narcissists) don't feel they have a problem and therefore don't need a diagnosis. She wants to see me give my AH an ultimatum: get a diagnosis, get help for it, or get out.

So, now that AH is acting normal, I don't know what to think. It's been a good week. He's helped out in the kitchen, offered his help with groceries, cleaned up after himself, been absolutely lovely in other ways and I'm sitting here scratching my head doing freaking detective work. There has never been consistency while living with him, and I feel so very on edge. Anyway, these were just some thoughts I had as I try to enjoy the peace and friendliness of my home again.

Just enjoy it and put your focus 100% back on yourself. If you are going to do any detective work - do it on yourself! That's what I'm learning to do, too!

I know I've said several times here that "it doesn't matter why a person behaves the way they do; if their behavior is unacceptable, that's all you need to know."

I can change.

It was just suggested to me that my AXH could possibly be diagnosed with NPD (by a mutual acquaintance who is a psychiatrist). I was pushing that away saying "being a jerk is not a mental disorder, it's a choice" and she said "whichever way you want to view it, learning about the disorder may help you have realistic expectations of him, and that will help you, right?"

And yes. She's right. I guess. About NPD or alcoholism or whatever. I guess it's like... it's better to understand once and for all that the hardware store doesn't carry bread rather than going back every six months to see if maybe they've updated their inventory...

I still stand by LTD's quote in my signature -- that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable -- but I can also understand the value of scouting out the merchandise of the hardware store so I can stop going there when I need a sandwich.

Liz. personality disorders as well as addicts will do what they KNOW is necessary to "pull you back" to where they need you to be if they sense that you are moving away from your usual role with them. They need you in that role in order to protect themselves (or get what they need).

You say that you have seen this type of pattern before. I agree with you to keep up your guard.

sincerely, dandylion

Hi,
I believe my axbf was a narcissist and there would certainly be times when he was normal, charming, the model boyfriend. Weeks would go by and everything was fine. When conflict & stress arose, that's when a lot of his ugliness would come out and it was usually directed at me. If I failed to follow instructions, stroke his ego enough or let him down in some way, that's when all h*ll would break loose.

Does this cycle of abuse look familiar to you?
The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women

And yes, if he really is a N. they will no go to therapy as they see everyone else in the world is the problem. I tried to get mine to go for 3 years and he would refuse.

If I had spent even half the time working on myself that I did analying, speculating, picking apart why my EXAH was doing what he was doing, I would have found recovery a lot sooner. :)

Yes, I've been to this site before and much of it fits my AH.

I just went for a long walk with my 14 year old son. We were discussing the possibility of adopting a dog and how it would be rough on him when it comes to AH and how AH likes to jump all over our son when he doesn't respond in 10 seconds to the call. I swear my AH drives me crazy with this: I will ask him to do something for me and give him a week to get it done, and then wind up doing it myself because he forgets but if our son doesn't jump to attention like a good private in the Army, then all heck breaks loose. Anyway, my son was getting frustrated because he almost wants to turn down the idea of getting a dog knowing full well that dad's wrath will be upon him and he says, "No offense to dad, but he's fat, lazy, and stubborn." It took all my strength to NOT come right out and agree. I had to take a deep breath and remind him that dad is a child of God, that he isn't perfect, and that we need to accept dad for who he is and learn to take care of ourselves. Man, that was hard. My son and I had a very long talk tonight about more than that. I told him more about AA, Al Anon, and he seemed more interested in AlaTeen meetings, too.