Dui - wreck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Thank you all for your great advice. As usual it takes time for me to digest the responses and realize you all are much wiser than I. My instinct was to fix this for him (attorney, rehab, rides, etc, etc).
My husband and I sat down and talked and determined exactly what we would and wouldn't do. Son was able to bond himself out so that is done.
1) Son is never allowed to drive a car we own. PERIOD.
2) Son called his doctor and they decided it was best to intensive outpatient first. We kept our mouth shuts and will let him and his doctor work on the plan. I'm out of it other than I will pay for it.
3) Son contacted an attorney and he will handle all legal fees and fines. We will not pay any of this. Period.
4) Son arranged his own rides to school. We will take him to AA when he needs a ride. That may be enabling but AA is imperative in his treatment and we are not in an area where he can walk or take public transportation.
I know this may not be what you would all recommend but it is what my husband and I together agree is best for us. The one thing I know is that my son wants help. He is ready to be sober but he is an alcoholic and needs to get the right treatment and in the right recovery program. That is what I'm willing to arrange and pay for if necessary. I'm not willing to support his bad decisions by paying or bailing him out of the consequences. He was never a Ramen noodle college student but he will be now.
On the bright side I slept like a baby last night. Can't remember when I have slept so good. I'm moving forward with my plans of my new business and moving to the ocean.
My husband and I sat down and talked and determined exactly what we would and wouldn't do. Son was able to bond himself out so that is done.
1) Son is never allowed to drive a car we own. PERIOD.
2) Son called his doctor and they decided it was best to intensive outpatient first. We kept our mouth shuts and will let him and his doctor work on the plan. I'm out of it other than I will pay for it.
3) Son contacted an attorney and he will handle all legal fees and fines. We will not pay any of this. Period.
4) Son arranged his own rides to school. We will take him to AA when he needs a ride. That may be enabling but AA is imperative in his treatment and we are not in an area where he can walk or take public transportation.
I know this may not be what you would all recommend but it is what my husband and I together agree is best for us. The one thing I know is that my son wants help. He is ready to be sober but he is an alcoholic and needs to get the right treatment and in the right recovery program. That is what I'm willing to arrange and pay for if necessary. I'm not willing to support his bad decisions by paying or bailing him out of the consequences. He was never a Ramen noodle college student but he will be now.
On the bright side I slept like a baby last night. Can't remember when I have slept so good. I'm moving forward with my plans of my new business and moving to the ocean.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear BlueSkies, I think you are doing a very good job of trying to do the best thing for your son and yourself. I know that we have all been very direct and to the point in our postings---we have been trying to deliver a "crash course" in alcoholism to you in your crisis situation. It is apparent, though, that you have received this information with with an attitude of learning---and understand that this is our form of "cyber love" directed toward your family....L0L. One could have predicted more defensiveness---but, you don't seem to be. This is a great advantage for you, in my opinion.Those of us who have suffered more than words can say under this terrible disease understand what a journey this is for you---especially us mothers/parents.
Just stay your path---while the journey may seem daunting---a future with serenity, peace of mind, and joy is possible for you and your son.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
BlueSkiesAgain - I am so sorry to read about what is happening with you. I remembered your situation when I found SR after my daughters DUI in September. She is also 21 and in her last year of college with plans to go to grad school. We thought she was past the party scene so the call from jail was a shock.
We did bail her out but she is paying us back. We didn't hire an attorney, took back our vehicle and took her off our insurance. She is on her own for both going forward. We agreed to pay for counseling and strongly encouraged her to do so. She did initiate counseling through the university and will start her court mandated counseling in January.
It has been hard to let go but I am convinced that it is the right thing. I was a mess the first week. Then I went to see her, said what I needed to say and left her knowing that it was up to her going forward. No begging, nagging or managing from me. We are paying for her school but that is totally at our discretion. We want grades, receipts, ect. Trust needs to be earned. She had been lying about school and that was another shock when we saw her transcript.
Then I came home and slept like a baby for about 2 days, started quilting and doing things that are calming for me. Do I still worry too much at times - of course. But I do not feel responsible for fixing things for her. When the next crisis comes it will be another test I'm sure. She is still using alcohol to some degree, called last weekend late after a fight with her boyfriend and had been drinking I could tell and lied to me. She apologized the next morning and her dad called her out on it. She is in denial about her drinking and the fact that she has blackouts scares me, but it's up to her.
I really think when its your child it is especially difficult. I have nothing but love for her. Her drinking has never hurt me directly, I've never seen her drunk. I am angry for what she is doing to herself and the risks she is taking. But I'm not going to make her bad choices easier for her. If we end up having to put her on her own financially we will. I hope it doesn't come to that. It's heartbreaking that my hopes for a girl who had the world by the tail and big plans for her future now might be hard-pressed just to graduate.
So, I truly feel your pain and hope our kids can find their way. And that we can find the wisdom to get by ourselves.
We did bail her out but she is paying us back. We didn't hire an attorney, took back our vehicle and took her off our insurance. She is on her own for both going forward. We agreed to pay for counseling and strongly encouraged her to do so. She did initiate counseling through the university and will start her court mandated counseling in January.
It has been hard to let go but I am convinced that it is the right thing. I was a mess the first week. Then I went to see her, said what I needed to say and left her knowing that it was up to her going forward. No begging, nagging or managing from me. We are paying for her school but that is totally at our discretion. We want grades, receipts, ect. Trust needs to be earned. She had been lying about school and that was another shock when we saw her transcript.
Then I came home and slept like a baby for about 2 days, started quilting and doing things that are calming for me. Do I still worry too much at times - of course. But I do not feel responsible for fixing things for her. When the next crisis comes it will be another test I'm sure. She is still using alcohol to some degree, called last weekend late after a fight with her boyfriend and had been drinking I could tell and lied to me. She apologized the next morning and her dad called her out on it. She is in denial about her drinking and the fact that she has blackouts scares me, but it's up to her.
I really think when its your child it is especially difficult. I have nothing but love for her. Her drinking has never hurt me directly, I've never seen her drunk. I am angry for what she is doing to herself and the risks she is taking. But I'm not going to make her bad choices easier for her. If we end up having to put her on her own financially we will. I hope it doesn't come to that. It's heartbreaking that my hopes for a girl who had the world by the tail and big plans for her future now might be hard-pressed just to graduate.
So, I truly feel your pain and hope our kids can find their way. And that we can find the wisdom to get by ourselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Thank you all for all the great advice and sharing your experiences. We are moving forward as a family. The DUI was devastating to us but especially for S. He is working his program and has seem to found new life. He watched the Bill W story on DVD and it impacted him greatly. I truly believe that he wants it for himself even more than I want it for him. He is smiling again focusing on the things that are important to him.
Do I think it will be an easy road? No, absolutely not. But I am working on me and placing my self and the rest of the family above this disease. I support the positive in my son's life and celebrate the small victories. I'm not supporting the addiction. S hasn't had a drink since the car accident and he doesn't seem to be missing it at all. He did tell me the other day that "the switch flipped on" and he feels different. Will it last? I certainly hope so.
The most interesting conversation I've had with son in the last few days where he recognized the effect of his drinking on his younger brother. Baby steps one day at a time.
Do I think it will be an easy road? No, absolutely not. But I am working on me and placing my self and the rest of the family above this disease. I support the positive in my son's life and celebrate the small victories. I'm not supporting the addiction. S hasn't had a drink since the car accident and he doesn't seem to be missing it at all. He did tell me the other day that "the switch flipped on" and he feels different. Will it last? I certainly hope so.
The most interesting conversation I've had with son in the last few days where he recognized the effect of his drinking on his younger brother. Baby steps one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm reading this for the first time -- I must have missed the first go-around!
My AH's dad was an elected public official who had a lot at stake, re: local politics and respectability. He saw his wild, drug-addled son as a liability and bailed him out of every problem he had, with the police, even with the FBI, and brushed it under the rug never to be spoken of again.
I've written a couple of times about the family -- although his folks are retired, they still bail both of their adult children out of every problem they have. The latest was buying their adult daughter a house because they felt bad for her that she's 30 and single (she finds a way to sabotage all of her relationships, so). When I asked AH to leave this final time, they opened their doors to him because they couldn't bear to see him suffer. Those kids both live extremely comfortable lives, and they have very little idea how to live on their own, make their own decisions, or manage money, at least, not in the real world where they won't always be caught by mom and dad's safety net. Maybe I'm being hyperbolic about it. If you look at them they appear to be a nice, tight-knit, upper middle class family. Scratch the surface, however, and there's a lot of unfinished business between them.
A great recent anecdote: The adult daughter likes to go out and get trashed, walk or take a cab home, and leave her car in an area that is very clearly marked for AM towing.
Why? Because her 70 year old father will wake up at dawn, drive into town and move it for her. He's worried about her paying towing costs. (!!!)
A scarier anecdote, one that I heard much later: My AH drove home drunk one night when he was living alone. He doesn't remember making the drive home, except that he hit a parked car on the street. When he got home and realized he had screwed up, he called his dad, who got out of bed in the middle of the night, helped him clean and hide his car, and quickly sold it off AND replaced it within the week so AH would never get caught.
It's sick. It's so ******* sick.
I know that while neither mom nor dad want to hurt their kids and that they want to help them reach their potential, they are absolutely blind to how their constant meddling and tinkering paralyzes their grown, adult children. I understand what's at stake here, especially with the threat of media, the fear of exposure, and the pressure to be perfect in the public eye. I also understand the great schadenfreude that the public delights in when they discover a perfect family actually isn't.
Reconciling those pressures with the reality of addiction is a doozy. I don't blame you for your conflicting feelings here. You have to give yourself permission to get out of your adult son's way and let him suffer whatever consequences come from from his using. If he sticks with it, he will learn that he can't get sober and hang out with his old drinking buddies. He will learn that he can't drink and get behind the wheel. He will learn that his parents, too, have limits and that he needs to put his big boy pants on and handle his business. If not, he will learn the pain of lost careers, lost family, lost children, lost freedom, and lost happiness. You have to have the courage to let him have his mistakes as well as his victories, to cheerlead without meddling or manipulating. And someday you might have to take control of the story, do a Martin Sheen, call a presser and say, "Our son is an addict. It is deeply saddening. We pray for his recovery."
My AH's dad was an elected public official who had a lot at stake, re: local politics and respectability. He saw his wild, drug-addled son as a liability and bailed him out of every problem he had, with the police, even with the FBI, and brushed it under the rug never to be spoken of again.
I've written a couple of times about the family -- although his folks are retired, they still bail both of their adult children out of every problem they have. The latest was buying their adult daughter a house because they felt bad for her that she's 30 and single (she finds a way to sabotage all of her relationships, so). When I asked AH to leave this final time, they opened their doors to him because they couldn't bear to see him suffer. Those kids both live extremely comfortable lives, and they have very little idea how to live on their own, make their own decisions, or manage money, at least, not in the real world where they won't always be caught by mom and dad's safety net. Maybe I'm being hyperbolic about it. If you look at them they appear to be a nice, tight-knit, upper middle class family. Scratch the surface, however, and there's a lot of unfinished business between them.
A great recent anecdote: The adult daughter likes to go out and get trashed, walk or take a cab home, and leave her car in an area that is very clearly marked for AM towing.
Why? Because her 70 year old father will wake up at dawn, drive into town and move it for her. He's worried about her paying towing costs. (!!!)
A scarier anecdote, one that I heard much later: My AH drove home drunk one night when he was living alone. He doesn't remember making the drive home, except that he hit a parked car on the street. When he got home and realized he had screwed up, he called his dad, who got out of bed in the middle of the night, helped him clean and hide his car, and quickly sold it off AND replaced it within the week so AH would never get caught.
It's sick. It's so ******* sick.
I know that while neither mom nor dad want to hurt their kids and that they want to help them reach their potential, they are absolutely blind to how their constant meddling and tinkering paralyzes their grown, adult children. I understand what's at stake here, especially with the threat of media, the fear of exposure, and the pressure to be perfect in the public eye. I also understand the great schadenfreude that the public delights in when they discover a perfect family actually isn't.
Reconciling those pressures with the reality of addiction is a doozy. I don't blame you for your conflicting feelings here. You have to give yourself permission to get out of your adult son's way and let him suffer whatever consequences come from from his using. If he sticks with it, he will learn that he can't get sober and hang out with his old drinking buddies. He will learn that he can't drink and get behind the wheel. He will learn that his parents, too, have limits and that he needs to put his big boy pants on and handle his business. If not, he will learn the pain of lost careers, lost family, lost children, lost freedom, and lost happiness. You have to have the courage to let him have his mistakes as well as his victories, to cheerlead without meddling or manipulating. And someday you might have to take control of the story, do a Martin Sheen, call a presser and say, "Our son is an addict. It is deeply saddening. We pray for his recovery."
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