BlueSkiesAgain

Well he was able to bond out. He is pretty messed up as far as being bruised up. He is happy to be alive. I'm hoping this will be his wake up call. He came to my house when he got out instead of his house. We briefly talked about what he plans to do from here and he is going to handle it. The only thing he did say is that he will finish this semester (6 more class days) and then go to rehab.

Here is the thing. He has really been working hard on his sobriety. I see the progress and then this happens. I know people relapse but it just seems like an excuse to drink. I don't completely understand addictions but I've read on here that relapse is pretty normal. Right now all of his high school friends are home for the holidays so he went out with them. Just another bad decision to even go where there is alcohol.

fluffyflea

[
Alanon for you?





QUOTE=BlueSkiesAgain;3684616]Don't know if anyone is here tonight but I need to talk. My son got in a wreck and was driving drunk. He is fine but every time he seems to be doing better he messes up. I really don't know what to do now.

He seemed to be doing so good and now he has completely screwed it up. I am literally sick to my stomach. Shaking uncontrollably while I write this. Just do not know what is happening or what to do.

Just a few days ago he was doing so well and now we have this. I am just sick.[/QUOTE]

HopefulmomtoD

Blueskiesagain .. I'm curious are you paying his rent? IMO, I would withdraw any and all monetary support to help him hit his bottom.

As far as his drinking again, ... I don't think we can understand because we are not addicts. Its probably as simple as he doesn't want to quit drinking. He needs to change his friends if he is serious about sobriety- that's one of the things he will learn at rehab (and has probably heard at AA). Or, become their designated driver.

Fandy

he totaled YOUR car, bonded out of jail and went out with his friends who drink???

while you search for rehab, sober living questions on here, don't sleep all night and call the doctor?

i hope you can see this picture clearly.

i hope you just turn him off, take him off the payroll and take care of yourself. i hope you can get a decent night's sleep. take care of yourself.

lillamy

I've told the story here before of two boys I grew up with. Close in age. Amazing parents. I spent a lot of time at their house and they were kind of like cousins to me. One became a star athlete and the other a drug addict. One grew up to be a responsible citizen and the other died in a fire he had set himself when he was in his 20s. Same parents. Same home. Same treatment. Same love.

As a parent, you do your best. But they grow up and make their own decisions. Not always the ones you would like them to. Not always the ones that would logically follow from the morals and ethics and upbringing you've given them.

That is their choice.

As for the part about "what are people going to think?" -- my mom always used to tell me that "if you don't have the good sense to be ashamed of yourself, I'm sure not going to bother being ashamed on your behalf!"

You might be surprised if you tell people matter-of-factly that "my son is an alcoholic and has made some very unwise decisions"... I'm willing to bet there are other parents around you who are hiding their children's addictions as well. We're so stinking good at keeping up appearances that sometimes we miss out on opportunities to get help from each other.

BlueSkiesAgain

Fandy - no he was with his friends last night before he totaled the car. Since he has been home he has worked on the stuff he has to get done to go to rehab.

I totally understand what you all are saying about him handling things. I handled some things before he bonded out. He knows that he has to handle this. He has made a couple of important phone calls, taken his paperwork to the insurance company ( we drove him because he surrendered his license), made an appointment with an attorney and is currently on the computer checking out the sober living facilities. He also sent emails to his professors asking to take the exams early so he can go into rehab next weekend. He asked if he could spend at least the next couple of nights here and I have agreed. We will also be driving him to AA. I do realize he needs to do things for himself but I will continue to take him to AA and I will take him to his classes next week. I'm not going to fix his problems this time but I'm not ready to cut him off. He was sober for 33 days. He wants to be sober. I think he is at a place he needs more resources than just AA to begin his recovery. He wants help.

HopefulmomtoD

Don't fee bad about having hope for your son. He sounds like a nice young man who happens to be an alcoholic. I've said it before ... this age is really hard. I know they are supposed to be adults, but they are also still dependent on us.

Hang in there!

Justfor1

blue, it sounds as if your son is headed in the right direction. If he keeps going to meetings there may be people who can give him a ride home. Many AA members know what it's like to get a DUI or even 2 or 3 DUI's and not be able to drive. He will find young people his age at meetings if he looks for them.

laurie6781

(((((BlueSkiesAgain)))))

I am sorry that you have to experience this, but grateful that you using SR for help for YOU.

If as you say he was going to AA prior to this, then he will probably have phone
numbers of other members, WHICH HE CAN USE TO ARRANGE RIDES FOR
HIMSELF.

Three months into recovery my old junker of a car (typical alkie car, dents in
all 4 fenders, and a coat hanger for an aerial, lol) died. My parents had washed
their hands of me a long time before I found recovery. I HAD TO ARRANGE FOR
RIDES TO MEETINGS. Sure I hated doing it, but it was the only way I was going
to get to those meetings that I NEEDED so badly.

He also has numbers of his college friends that he can CALL FOR RIDES. Please
allow him the dignity as an adult to use all other methods of finding rides before
'mommy' takes him.

Please get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, availabe
at Amazon for a very cheap price. And please use a hi-lighter to hi-light words
that jump out at you, when reading it as you will probably read it more than once
and hi-light in different colors each time.

Since Alanon is not near you, you might want to google for Alanon meeting on line
as there are such meetings. We even have one here on Wednesday nights at 9pm
eastern time. You can PM me or Def of Lov for the password to the meeting room.

You can work the kind of program you would like your son to work. That is the
best help you can give him. I agree with the above, when your son is really ready,
(and this may be it, no one really knows) talking and working on himself with other
recovering alcoholics will be his best help.

This really now is about YOU not him. What YOU can do for YOU to help you get
off the roller coaster ride that Addiction causes to family members.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very
very much!

Love and hugs,

Fandy

oh, OK i see where I misunderstood what you said, sorrysorry...but in reading this again, you still seem to be coating his behavior...what he did is a lot more than a bad decision, but if he is taking responsibility, it is a good thing.

DoubleBarrel

You are still taking care of him mom. While he's out with friends and you are researching.

Carol Star

It might be good to feel the consequences of his choices and stay in jail. In Alanon we say do not manage, manipulate, mother or be a martyr. We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it- but can contribute. We stop solving their problems- whose problems are they ? Do not soften their bottom. Let them hit it.

BlueSkiesAgain

Fandy - what I was calling a bad decision was choosing to go out with friends that he knows will drink and he will drink with them. He made the choice to drink. No one made him do it.

Drinking and driving is much more than a bad decision. I had a good friend killed by a drunk driver about 5 months ago. He was on his way to work at 6 am and a guy hit him that had already had 5 DUIs. NEVER NEVER NEVER would I call drunk driving a bad decision. For me it is the worst thing an alcoholic can do or anyone drinking for that matter.

DoubleBarrel

I know it might feel like we're beating up on you here, but I really do sympathize with your situation.
We who have been through this, with ourselves, our families, our spouses, know what works and what might not.
It is kind of scary how similar the minds of addicts all are when they are active and using. It is predictable.

I wish there was something I could say to solve this issue with someone his age, but all I've got is consequences, the quicker the better, otherwise this can drag on for many years.
The pain has to be motivating, because that is not something a rehab can teach.

Carol Star

The isms of alcoholism- I, self, me.....They are stuck in the emotional age they were when they started using. Their emotional development stopped. They are selfish. In alanon they are called "king babies/ queen babies".....As a codependent growing up in an alcoholic home I never learned boundaries. I put up with way too much for way too long in my marriage to XAH. Now I know when my serenity or peace is out of sync and I set a boundary. Recovery for them is about growing up. To thine own self be true.

WishingWell

I completely agree with you on drunk driving. Years ago when my husband was engulfed in addiction, he was slurring and got into his car. I had no issue with yanking the keys out and hiding them. There is no way I'm going to be a participant in watching someone drunk get into a car and go kill an innocent family. That, for me, goes far beyond letting "them" hit bottom. Bottom can't be killing other people in my book.

I then told him, you EVER drive drunk that I know about and I am calling 911. 100%.

I'd be happy to leave them in jail, thrilled actually. What a great wake-up call! My girlfriend's famous husband got a DUI years ago, she left him in jail. The shock to his system, the fear of his career collapsing, the humiliation - was the day he got sober and has stayed there for decades!

They need to feel the full results of their actions.

BTW we just saw the movie "Flight" with Denzel. Whew - take him to see it. Take every addicted person and every co-dependent to it. It's a shake-up to reality.

choublak

I doubt your son is the only alcoholic in your town. Alcoholics are not an endangered species.

redatlanta

I was hit by a drunk driver last summer. I was behind him at a stop light while he was asleep at the wheel and he rolled into a cement retaining wall. I pulled beside him and got out to see if he was ok while on the phone with 911. While out of my car and looking in his he decided to leave - I ran to jump in my car he hit me from the front fender down to the tail light and totaled my car then bashed into another.

When they finally caught up to him days later - he had 5 DUI's on his record (54 years old).

I got a DUI in college - I was and am not alcoholic and never a drug user. My parents left me in jail. It was over the weekend so I had to wait till magistrate's court Monday. they did not pay my legal fees. They didn't really have much to say to me for a while in fact it was 2 weeks from Christmas and I was dis-invited for our snow ski trip to Vail ( I remember my dad saying I needed to stay home and make money to pay my attorney) Lesson learned that was 20 plus years ago and I thought they were a**holes for not helping me.

I have two friends that have multiple DUI's. Both of them are repeatedly bailed out by mommy and daddy at 37 and 41 years old. They both STILL DRIVE DRUNK. One in particular has had 4 and with the last one lost her license for a year, and then had to put one of those breathing machines in her car for another year so even the penalites doled out by the court weren't enough. Then again mom drove her everywhere she needed to go and paid all legal fees and fines.

I imagine its very hard not to help your child - but sometimes not helping them is the best "help" you can do.

Justfor1

That is pretty funny and you are absolutely right.

choublak

LOL I'm just saying, if people are really THAT interested (and asking people "why was your son arrested?" is rude and none of their business anyway), they probably know an alcoholic or might even be one themselves.