Lulu39

HE has lost a semesters worth of tuition that YOU have paid for. He has basically lost your money. And now, he can work out how to pay it back to YOU if he really wants to continue.

He is an adult. He can get himself to class if that is what he really wants to do. And he can pay for another semesters worth of tuition if that is what he really wants to do.

You really want him to do this. However, from the stuff he is doing he is showing you that doesn't want it as much as you do. He really doesn't give a fat rat's clacker. He showed you that when he got the DUI!

You can't MAKE him be the person you want him to be.

HE IS SHOWING YOU WHO HE IS. Let him be that person. He can only recover when he decides to.

redatlanta

Blueskies - I am so sorry this has happened.

You mentioned that he had a prior arrest as well - was asked to go to a 30 day in patient and declined to finish the semester.

How many chances does he get? Here we go again another arrest and another "can't go I have to finish school".

If you make choices for him AGAIN in order to help him AGAIN he will be in this same situation AGAIN. As codependents we must recognize that our behavior is also sick - if you make everything ok, even in the "name" of his future which is school, you are impeding his recovery.

Leave him in jail they will let him out eventually. Let him get a public defender or pay for the legal bill himself. The courts will probably do a good job punishing him - might be more than a 30 day inpatient, will certainly include probation.

As for school - emergencies happen, the only thing I would do for him is IF he agreed to immediately go to treatment - call the school and let them know what is going on. They would, I hope, agree to let him take final exams at a later date - his Doctor can write a letter pulling him out of school.

So so sorry about this and wish an al anon were closer but thankfully you do have SR.

Fandy

I wanted to add that i am sorry about your car. I hope it is fixable. I dont know about insurance, but you should probably have him on a separate policy (to avoid all high rates for the rest of the family).
Hope you got some sleep.

dollydo

Time to let him pull on his big boy pants and accept the responsibility for his actions. I would let him sit in jail, the court will most likely arrange for his rehab, court mandated.

He flubbed up school, he can always finish later. By bailing him out, driving him around, arranging and paying for rehab you are enabling him. Until YOU allow him to fall to his knees he will never get back up.

I am sorry, however, don't attempt to resolve all his issues, it doesn't work that way, addicts need to help themselves.

If you will allow the HP to guide him without your interference he may find his way.

BlueSkiesAgain

I know you all know more than I do. I really was trying to let him do his own recovery but something in my gut just told me things were starting to go down hill.

I just feel so lost right now. As a mother when he calls crying I want to be there to take care of him but I know I can't. My husband is done with him and his ways and I need to get to that point.

My husband reminded me last night that none of this is my fault. I guess that is one thing I always go back to. Even last night I thought that if only I had convinced him to stay over because of the holiday.

I'm going to just be blunt and say that he is an embarrassment to me and my husband and other son. Our family is in a position of being known in town and without a doubt it is already hitting social media. I am really a very private person and all this with my son is driving me into seclusion. Last time he was arrested I went to the grocery store and no less than 5 people stopped me to ask what happened. My phone will ring off the hook with nosy wanna knows. I don't like to explain. I feel like such a failure. Why do I have to be the mom with alcoholic son? Sorry I'm whining but his driving and drinking is honestly the one piece of integrity I thought he had left. Now that is gone.

No one was hurt but the car was totaled. It was a one car accident. Thank God that he didn't hurt some innocent person.

Fandy

When people call and ask, give them his cell phone number. Let him answer the questions.
i think you might want to join your husband and present a united front.
this is not something you have to fix. He can cry all he wants, but he's not experiencing any pain.
if you leave him to repair the damage on his own now, you might save him from being a 30 year old drunk.

HopefulmomtoD

I agree with others. Let him fix this. When my son got his DUI- we did nothing. He got assigned a public defender and was found guilty. But, you know what .. he was guilty. He gets and got no sympathy from me. He drank and drove. Like you, it was a line I believed he would never cross.

Over a year later, he is still suffering from this DUI and not driving yet. Hopefully, he got the message.

Sometimes I feel guilty that we did not help him. (like when I read stories about a school superintendent near us who hired a lawyer and got off because the breathalyzer hadn't been calibrated correctly .... )

This thread has helped me see that we did the right thing.

dollydo

"No one was hurt but the car was totaled. It was a one car accident. Thank God that he didn't hurt some innocent person."

That is good, what you stated above is why he needs to find his own way,next time he may kill someone. He may lose his license and have to walk or take a bus everywhere, that is good too. Let it be, don't drive him all over let him find his own way.

As for the nosy neighbors, he is an adult, you are no longer responsible for his bad decisions and that is what I would tell them.

You, your other child and your husband are entitled to a life too, why not start to live it? Your husband is on the right track, let go, you can't fix him, love him but allow him the dignity to resolve this issue as an adult should and possibly become a productive member of society...he is 21, it is time to start.

Keep posting, again, I am so sorry, but, this may be a blessing in disguise, no one was hurt and he just may learn his lesson and embrace recovery...for life.

Fandy

At one point my daughter felt very entitled and had some issues. I helped bail her out of a problem, not jail but financial to the tune of 6k. She thanked me, turned around and asked for another 4k six months later.
i bluntly told her she was "off my payroll". ( she was 26). She did not speak to me for a very long time, but we have a loving respectful relationship this year. She is married responsible and paying for grad school on her own.

Hopeworks

Hi Blueskies,

I just woke up and have some personal and professional advice for you. I am a bail agent and for many years have counseled families that they can legally use the bail bond process as a legal intervention with teeth for the parents.
Because it is a private contract you can add conditions to his bail bond for your benefit such as a complete assessment by an professional and a recovery program designed that he agrees to follow to the letter.

IF HE FAILS TO COMPLETE ANY OF THE REQUIREMENTS YOU CAN HAVE HIS BAIL AGENT RECOMMIT HIM TO JAIL!

If he were my son and I was supporting him through education and otherwise there is simply no doubt that I would go hardball all the way at this time. You can of course do whatever is in your heart and mind with the personal knowledge that you have about the situation but here is my read:

If you choose to bond him out here is what I would require of him:

1) Insist he finish this semester... you paid for it and he is committed and needs to learn responsibility.

2) HOuse arrest while finishing school with drug testing. A positive drug test and he is put back in jail by bail agent (yes he can do this)

3) Assessment by professional and design of the right recovery program including potential one year of residential rehab and appropriate outpatient or halfway house.

4) Use of alcohol, drugs or deviation from agreed upon program of recovery results in an immediate return to jail.

5) Consult with attorneys in your area as many times the courts the will agree to suspend sentencing until completion of agreement. One thing to consider as time runs and the suspension of driving priveleges may be extended.... this is not a bad thing. He is a drunk and could have killed someone...but it is something to consider and discuss with lawyer.

Now... you have to know that putting him in a residential rehab for a year is just geography and being surrounded by knowledge and help for addiction. It may be seeds for a future decision to break up with alcohol for good or it could be a waste of time and money. What it does buy you is peace of mind and he won't be in the news for awhile and you will sleep easy. It will be a year for his brain to rewire and as a young brain this is good.

He's young and sounds like this might be a long haul case. My XA started his love affair with alcohol in college and destroyed his athletic scholorship and potential future as a pro athlete. He has careened around drunk for 20 years since then...you can't know the future but you can offer him some help with these conditions and pray and hope for the best.

He needs to work on his addiction issues more than he needs an education or career... I would pull the plug on any financial help with school until he nails down a committed recovery program and has some time sober... a good long time. If he isn't in residential treatment make him get a job and learn some discipline as well as appreciate a parent helping him with school.

If I can help you in any way please pm me... I know you are sick about this but it may end up being the best thing that ever happened to him and be a new beginning. Only time will tell...

take care of you!

HopefulmomtoD

When my RAS got his dui, he was released immediately. No bail or bond- just tickets and an order to appear in court. He was stopped for a speeding (45 in a 35 or something like that ...). No accident, so maybe that matters?

BlueSkiesAgain

Again thank you all for your words of wisdom. I just called his doctor and left a message. She is out of the office until Monday. My son has some money and may have enough to pay a bail bonds man. If so he will probably be out this afternoon. I am going to have to stay out of the treatment issue but hopefully they will decide for him to go and soon either after exams or next. The truth is his college education won't mean a thing if he is drunk or dead.

Now, I need to read some things about sober living places. Hopefully, that will be his choice after inpatient treatment.

dandylion

Dear BlueSkies, When dealing with an alcoholic, I have found that the best advice comes from other alcoholics. I am talking about the "veterans". Those that have been around for a long time and have many years of sober recovery---have worked the steps, sponsored others, etc. They can see around the corners in a way that you cannot. They are also more objective than you can be (as the mother).

Your son is still young and still doesn't feel the full weight of adult responsibility. He still doesn't know how much he can loose. Up till now he has mostly lost what others have provided for him. The young often have a huge sense of entitlement.

As always happens, this family crisis, triggered by your son's alcoholism, brings other issues bubbling to the surface. Your own issues of your social standing;your fears about your adequacy as a parent (these are the ones you shared)---and any other issues that might have been lurking quietly in the shadows. THIS SAME THING HAPPENS IN ALL FAMILIES. WHEN THERE IS A CRISIS. I gently say to you that this is life. Boy, do I know this! Life has brought me to my knees more than once. When this happens, the best thing you can do is face the issues (no matter how painful they are) head on.

I don't mean to sound harsh--my heart bleeds for you because I have walked in your shoes (my son went to jail while my husband was in elected public office). I am trying to give yo the benefit of my experience and my HARD earned lessons.

I know you are feeling confused and very scared right now. Please hang on to your support---and cling to the serenity prayer. This, too shall pass.

sincerely. dandylion

dandylion

Dear BlueSkies, one more thing---Medical doctors often are not well versed in alcoholism--except for the physical aspects, of course. Some are--if they have had to deal with it in their own personal lives--but most don't have the training. For issues of the physical condition and management of withdrawl--that is their area---unless they have additional training in addiction medicine. (this is not meant as a criticism)

I say this because I am a medical person myself. I have worked with the addiction population---so I am saying this with the greatest respect for the medical community.

sincerely, dandylion

LoveMeNow

Have you considered finding a therapist (specializing in addictions) for you, your husband and your other son since alanon is too far? Your son's problem is not a reflection on you, your parenting or your family. His disease and choices are not your "shame."

Have you read Codependent No More? Great book, that will help you and answer many of your questions about YOU. Many people say codependency is a disease of the ego. I happen to agree.

If you don't get some kind of help NOW, you are going to become as sick as him. Addiction is a family disease and eventually we all become very unhealthy, if left untreated.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.....but we can contribute to it.

In alanon, we learn many things - 2 things stand out right now to me.

1. It's none of my business what others think of me.
2. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Time for a positive change! Addiction is too powerful, and we are no match for it. It defies everything we know as mothers and human beings.

We see a person drowning, we instantly want to help them. With addiction, we must let them tread water and find the strength to swim to safety. It stinks, it's hard but we have no choice. You son can't just need help, he has to WANT it. Big difference!!

My prayers are with all of you!

BlueSkiesAgain

Dandylion - thanks for the information. Our family doctor is an addictions specialist (how lucky are we). She is the primary care doctor for the teenage drug / alcohol inpatient facility here.

dandylion

Dear BlueSkies---what a piece of luck! I am also pretty sure that she would agree that it might help YOU to have some heart-to-heart talking with some seasoned veteran recovered alcoholics---as they have been on the battlefront and have seen it all.

Carry on.

Sincerely, dandylion

Justfor1

He made the decision to drive drunk. The court system is getting really "tough" on DUI offenders and he could possible even get community service. His insurance may or may not go up depending on whether or not he is convicted or given a deferred type sentence. His drinking pattern seems like the binge type. They seem really healthy & productive but then go on a binge. The fact that he is able to attend college shows that he is probably the binge type alcoholic.

MovingForward

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Blue. Hugs to you.

WishingWell

Oh, my heart just goes out to you. Our society has still not come far enough with the disease of addiction. Truthfully, I understand the embarrassment because addiction is still so looked down on, I feel it too. Well known in my town and my husband goes to the local AA. So . . . word gets around. BUT if WE the families learn to hold our heads up high and simply explain it's a disease that he's working through, WE can help change society.

Now, please hear this in the vein that I'm saying it - in my opinion this is the BEST thing that could've happened to him. There were plenty of times I wished my husband would get arrested and go to jail. Getting hit hard with the fact about how dangerous addiction is right off the bat is GOOD. Let them feel the repercussion immediately. Better to get the big wake up young then to linger with a "controlled" addiction for decades and then try to stop. It's nearly impossible.

No one was hurt. A new car can be found. Now please, let HIM feel the weight of all of this. FOR his good. Not about our pride but for his good. No fixing this, Mom. Hands off.

YOU will hurt him if you fix this, YOU will help him if you let him man-up. Step back. Let him find his own sea-legs and his own self-will. If he can find that - he can recover. If you do it for him - he will not recover. You will hurt him. Just think about a kid in school, if you do ALL the homework for them to help them "save-face" they learn nothing. Let him do his own homework.

You must. For your sanity and for his. SO hard, I know, but life is full of challenges! You can do this -