choublak

How would you respond to this idea/statement?

Titanic

I expect most people would feel that way.

But we know differently and are learning it the hard way!

choublak

Then what's wrong with feeling that way?

Titanic

One feels what one feels.

DoubleBarrel

Sadly, you kind of stop having them to avoid the pain of constant disappointment.
That's why it is important to set boundaries. If you have expectations, share them, and have consequences if they are not lived up to.

jerect

Expectations = future resentments..

Jody675

i read in a book somewhere that expectations lead to disappointment.

for example

you saw your friends car was dirty and you had the day off and they were super busy with work and kids, so you decided to clean it for them, for no other reason than you thought it was a nice thing to do.

you finish and you feel good about doing something nice for someone.

your friend comes home and doesnt even notice the car has been washed.

now the story can go 2 ways from here.

1 if you had no expectations of what your friends reaction would be, and didnt expect to be thanked, then you would continue to feel good for the good thing you had done.

2 if you did expect a thank you, then now your good deed was done for another reason. it was done so you would be thanked by someone else, and had your good deed validated. so now that your friend didnt say thank you, you feel like sh1t and angry for all the hard work you put in, and they didnt even notice.

i think we all do have expectations, but what many of us have learned through many years of being hurt for having them, is that no one will live by our rules, standards, expectations. we can only control our own lives. we shouldn't give (that includes love) if it has strings attached (expectations). we should live our lives the way we choice and be happy with the choices we make. if someone doesnt like them, thats fine. we can learn to either walk away from them, or compromises if we choose. but if we own our choices then expectations arent needed. for we dont need to have our choices validated by someone else.

dandylion

Dear Choublak, I believe that it is not only human to have expectations---but, is even necessary or (healthy to do so). The trick is to have realistic and reasonable expectations.

Learning what is reasonable and realistic takes us a long developmental time and is learned in a gradual and cumulative manner. It starts in the cradle. We humans are interdependent and could not function very well if not allowed to expect certain behaviors for others.

The rub comes when one is involved with someone who is not capable of meeting the expectations that we would like to be able to assign to them. Co-dependents often feel that if we give and nurture enough that the addict will respond is a fair or equitibale manner. But, so many of us know the folly of that---usually learned from heartbreaking experience. (I know that I have).

I now think of expectations as "predictions". I stop and predict, based on data I have gathered about the person, how likely they will respond to my prediction (expectation).

Example: I no longer depend on an alcoholic to drive me to the airport at the appointed time. I can predict that 9 times out of 10 that they will be late or not show up because they are too drunk to drive Therefore, I will ask a person that has demonstrated that they will absolutely show up---because they have demonstrated a pattern of responsibility.

Does this help?

dandylion

Jody675

perfectly put dandelion.

dollydo

I no longer expect anything from anyone....thus, I am never disappointed.

lillamy

I would say "yes, it probably is -- but the problem arises when you don't realize that you are responsible for your expectations; other people are not."

Tuffgirl

I do believe it is human nature to have expectations, and I believe they lead us to establishing boundaries for ourselves. The trick, as many point out, is knowing when our expectations are no longer for ourselves, and are being used to control other people. It's a fine and often blurry line.

onlythetruth

Ah, what a hard life it would be if I faced it without expectations!

The key for me is not to avoid having expectations. It's to avoid having unrealistic ones.

I do not expect my life to be free of pain. I do not expect perfection of myself or others.

But I do expect my husband to be faithful. I do expect my children to treat me with respect. I do expect my employer to treat me fairly. If such things don't happen, yes, I'll be disappointed...you bet I will. To me, that's okay. I can handle disappointment a lot better than I can handle the notion that it's okay for people to treat me badly.

lillamy

Exactly! And if they don't -- you need to decide whether it's acceptable to change your expectations (and compromise what you want from life) or whether your best choice is to leave your husband/employer. Children? That's another ballgame. (Said the mom of 2 1/2 teens)

onlythetruth

When my kids were teens, I had to allow for a very generous definition of "respect"! But they've come around. They are in their 20s now.

lillamy

onlythetruth -- that is the truth!!!
Luckily, it's only my short-time memory that's going, and I distinctly remember treating my parents as if they were dimwits for a few years there. Then when I moved away from home they got smarter. And once I had kids of my own, my parents were heroes again, just like when I was little...

soberlicious

LOL indeed it is. One of my teenaged sons f-bombed me yesterday. If an adult does that to me, I can ask them to leave my home or somehow remove them from my presence, indefinitely if I so choose. But since I am responsible for him legally it's a little different. Rather than kicking Mr. BigBritches to the curb, I work to give appropriate consequences for disrespect and hope for the best.

I did remind him though that he will be 18 in three years.

Titanic

There are expectations, and then there are others.

"Expectations" which are the prospect of something happening (realistic or not) in the future. The ones that living One Day at a Time avoids. Like the expectation of getting that person we once loved back right after rehab.

And "expectations" which, vis-a-vis us, are standards to be upheld, conduct to be honored, and boundaries to be respected. The ones we will address if violated; the ones that will bear consequences from us should the conduct fall into our unacceptable bucket. Like the expectation that there will be no drinking - or else the alcoholic will not be living in the home.

VickiACA

I like Titanic's distinction.

My yoga studies have taught that we do the work but let go of the results.

And I looked up the word - expectations come from expecting. Uggh I hate when a word is used to define it's self.

But here's the kicker.
Expect is a verb. Which makes it an action??? And it means to anticipate or look forward.

I stopped at the looking forward because that makes me think that if I'm expecting I'm not hanging in the present.

Interesting stuff.
Vicki

VickiACA

But now I'm reread the OP and realizing that I didn't answer the question.

Yes it might be human nature to have expectations. But it seems to me like once we have awareness of the expectations a huge shift occurs. And an even bigger shift occurs if we can hold them lightly and/or give them up.

Do we realize that we are human and will have them - yes - this allows us to forgive ourselves when we get caught up in them. But I don't think it leaves us with an excuse for living unconsciously.

Vicki