It gets so much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
It gets so much better.
It gets so much better.
Al-anon uses the butterfly as a symbol of recovery. There's a lot of cute one-liners about it, basically it's about a caterpillar seeing the end of the world, not knowing it's going to become a butterfly.
Christmas of 2004 i had to leave my ex-wife. Too many pain pills, too many other married men in her life, too many wives calling me up wanting to know who this woman was that was running around with their husbands.
I finally asked for help. Three different shrinks had told me there was nothing wrong with me, I just needed to go to al-anon. I finally did. Once I started going I couldn't stop. Too many people who had survived exactly what I did, who had all the answers I did _not_ want to hear.
Made some phone calls, found a job in a different city and off I went. At one point my ex and I owned three different companies, we had several houses, lots of friends and a fantastic marriage that had been like a fairy-tale for nearly 20 years. Then she got addicted to pain pills and you guys know the story, it's pretty much the same as everybody else's.
I stayed at a tiny little apartment behind the salvation army. I would go to work, go to a meeting and then come home and watch the homeless pick thru the big garbage bins in the parking lot. That little apartment was _so_ much more peaceful than that big house I used to have, I slept _so_ good without the constant worries of the chaos of the addict.
All kinds of new friends in my new town. Went to see some doctors to look into some aches and pains I had been ignoring... too busy taking care of the addict to take care of me. Docs gave me bad news. I have a nasty disease called "Autonomic Neuropathy" that was going to make my life a mess. Still, I felt so _relieved_ that I would now have the time to take care of _me_.
It's been a few years now. Life has continued on it's merry way. My health has deteriorated as the doctor's predicted. I now have a cyst growing in my brain, an aneurysm, a bad case of osteoporosis, and a few other things. I saved my pennies and bought a nice little condo. Small, quiet, easy to maintain and clean. My job has taken me around the country a few times, have been to all kinds of interesting places I would never have seen otherwise.
I thought I would never be happy again when I left my ex, that I would never be able to fall in love again.
Oh boy was I wrong. First it was this really tall red-head. _Way_ tall. _Way_ red-head. Oh my goodness did I fall hard for her. Had a lovely time. Then it was this charming blonde with eyes that mesmerized me. Then it was a fantastic biker-chick. So much for never falling in love again.
( oh yeah, and there was a red-head rock-star over on the east coast I am still trying not to think about )
I used to wake up in the morning and not want to open my eyes. Maybe if I stayed in bed the nightmare my life had become would just go away. Today I wake up and ask my HP what new adventures He has me signed up for. I was afraid I would spend the rest of my life alone and lonely. Tomorrow I am going to a huge convention with thousands of other peeps in recovery. I expect to meet at least a hundred new friends I have made since I left my ex.
Just like the caterpillar, I had no idea what it was like to be able to fly. Now I am enjoying it so much I don't want to stop.
Life can be wonderful. All I had to do was ask for help, follow directions from people who knew more about the problem than I did, and not give up before the miracle happened.
Mike
Al-anon uses the butterfly as a symbol of recovery. There's a lot of cute one-liners about it, basically it's about a caterpillar seeing the end of the world, not knowing it's going to become a butterfly.
Christmas of 2004 i had to leave my ex-wife. Too many pain pills, too many other married men in her life, too many wives calling me up wanting to know who this woman was that was running around with their husbands.
I finally asked for help. Three different shrinks had told me there was nothing wrong with me, I just needed to go to al-anon. I finally did. Once I started going I couldn't stop. Too many people who had survived exactly what I did, who had all the answers I did _not_ want to hear.
Made some phone calls, found a job in a different city and off I went. At one point my ex and I owned three different companies, we had several houses, lots of friends and a fantastic marriage that had been like a fairy-tale for nearly 20 years. Then she got addicted to pain pills and you guys know the story, it's pretty much the same as everybody else's.
I stayed at a tiny little apartment behind the salvation army. I would go to work, go to a meeting and then come home and watch the homeless pick thru the big garbage bins in the parking lot. That little apartment was _so_ much more peaceful than that big house I used to have, I slept _so_ good without the constant worries of the chaos of the addict.
All kinds of new friends in my new town. Went to see some doctors to look into some aches and pains I had been ignoring... too busy taking care of the addict to take care of me. Docs gave me bad news. I have a nasty disease called "Autonomic Neuropathy" that was going to make my life a mess. Still, I felt so _relieved_ that I would now have the time to take care of _me_.
It's been a few years now. Life has continued on it's merry way. My health has deteriorated as the doctor's predicted. I now have a cyst growing in my brain, an aneurysm, a bad case of osteoporosis, and a few other things. I saved my pennies and bought a nice little condo. Small, quiet, easy to maintain and clean. My job has taken me around the country a few times, have been to all kinds of interesting places I would never have seen otherwise.
I thought I would never be happy again when I left my ex, that I would never be able to fall in love again.
Oh boy was I wrong. First it was this really tall red-head. _Way_ tall. _Way_ red-head. Oh my goodness did I fall hard for her. Had a lovely time. Then it was this charming blonde with eyes that mesmerized me. Then it was a fantastic biker-chick. So much for never falling in love again.
( oh yeah, and there was a red-head rock-star over on the east coast I am still trying not to think about )
I used to wake up in the morning and not want to open my eyes. Maybe if I stayed in bed the nightmare my life had become would just go away. Today I wake up and ask my HP what new adventures He has me signed up for. I was afraid I would spend the rest of my life alone and lonely. Tomorrow I am going to a huge convention with thousands of other peeps in recovery. I expect to meet at least a hundred new friends I have made since I left my ex.
Just like the caterpillar, I had no idea what it was like to be able to fly. Now I am enjoying it so much I don't want to stop.
Life can be wonderful. All I had to do was ask for help, follow directions from people who knew more about the problem than I did, and not give up before the miracle happened.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Thanks Mike...
Have a FABULOUS time!
And your posts inspired me and my life is now so ... amazing...!!!! I also am following MY... repeat... MY dreams instead of hovering and helicoptering and worrying myself to death!
And the ex? He careened around the country boozing, gambling, going to jail, burnt his car up at a casino cause he had wrecked it and the caliper drug and caught it on fire... a real train wreck. Had a fit about his burnt up car so they locked him up and then he bottomed and his HP opened somed amazing doors (now that guess who wasn't "in the way") and he is in STRONG recovery.
And it may not last... it may... but I am amazingly, wonderfully, gloriously fully dependent that his HP has it UNDER CONTROL while I never, ever did!
And even if he were to get sober, become an AA guru, speaker, inspiring person (he is capable of all of these... he was always "potential" that I loved... well... I am not going there. I am happy, happy, happy single!
I love him AWFUL!!!!!! But I love me more and life is good when it is serene and peaceful and you simply don't have to worry about anything... especially a relapse!
He is 3000 miles away and safe from my codie controlling ways with about 1000 years of strong recovery all around him and is in meetings every day and will be at a retreat next weekend.
I am so THANKFUL for SR and folks like you... thanks Mike. You do ROCK! Keep telling your story to us ex-newbies who came to believe!
Have a FABULOUS time!
And your posts inspired me and my life is now so ... amazing...!!!! I also am following MY... repeat... MY dreams instead of hovering and helicoptering and worrying myself to death!
And the ex? He careened around the country boozing, gambling, going to jail, burnt his car up at a casino cause he had wrecked it and the caliper drug and caught it on fire... a real train wreck. Had a fit about his burnt up car so they locked him up and then he bottomed and his HP opened somed amazing doors (now that guess who wasn't "in the way") and he is in STRONG recovery.
And it may not last... it may... but I am amazingly, wonderfully, gloriously fully dependent that his HP has it UNDER CONTROL while I never, ever did!
And even if he were to get sober, become an AA guru, speaker, inspiring person (he is capable of all of these... he was always "potential" that I loved... well... I am not going there. I am happy, happy, happy single!
I love him AWFUL!!!!!! But I love me more and life is good when it is serene and peaceful and you simply don't have to worry about anything... especially a relapse!
He is 3000 miles away and safe from my codie controlling ways with about 1000 years of strong recovery all around him and is in meetings every day and will be at a retreat next weekend.
I am so THANKFUL for SR and folks like you... thanks Mike. You do ROCK! Keep telling your story to us ex-newbies who came to believe!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Without going into details, I too thought if my marriage ended or he left for good I would not be happy again. I posted on the forum just to let others know that you can be happy again.
I too have a debilitating disease and wondered how I would be able to take care of myself... ( I have some funny stories - tho not at the time - where I discovered I couldn't do certain things.) But that situation has been resolved by the support of so many people I did not know would be there for me with or without asking. And having so much less "stuff" doesn't seem to bother me because I am still basking in the peace.
Thanks for sharing with us. Hope your Tksgiving Day is good.
I too have a debilitating disease and wondered how I would be able to take care of myself... ( I have some funny stories - tho not at the time - where I discovered I couldn't do certain things.) But that situation has been resolved by the support of so many people I did not know would be there for me with or without asking. And having so much less "stuff" doesn't seem to bother me because I am still basking in the peace.
Thanks for sharing with us. Hope your Tksgiving Day is good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
thanks so much for this post. Just what I needed to hear today, thanksgiving. I had been grieving my marriage as we went through divorce proceedings overr the last year but we never signed the papers and AH died 8 days ago. Now I mourn the loss of the man himself, our dreams and who he could have been but never would be. I buried him two days ago. Today will be especially hard but I have plans for dinner with two girlfriends and I know in my head that there are good times ahead. It's just too early to feel it in my heart. It is good to hear from others what the road ahead may hold.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Thank you for taking the time to say such important things and to be vulnerable and honest. I've been having a terrible time lately with regrets about the past and self-criticism about all the wrong turns taken, wishing I had lived a more conventional life somewhere in the Midwest where everybody is normal and stays married. ! . Ha! Wishing I had not been such a romantic, because that romantic heart pulled me toward a lot of pain. And feeling some shame about wealth I, too, once enjoyed and lost in my codependency, and bashing myself because I have not lived a staid and predictable life. Your description of the serenity found in the little apartment behind Salvation Army just caught me right in the heart. And your cherishing life while your body has been giving you fits....You have a vibrant soul, and I have found that those who are most passionate in this world are almost always those who have descended into some kind of personal hell and done some very tough self-reflection and then clawed their way back out. (And I guess a split-level life somewhere in Kansas without drama maybe doesn't encourage that).
I used to live on an island in a gorgeous house with rose gardens and endless mullioned windows and a rocky beach outside my door. I had a house full of dogs and cats and a loving relationship. And then alcoholism came knocking. My island world did not survive it. We split, and over the past years, my dogs and cats have died, one by one, as though my family could not disintegrate all at once, but instead dissolved slowly, with each euthanasia, which I handled alone, the alcoholic long gone.
It was down to me and one old sick cat in 2012. In a smaller house in a modest neighborhood (without a water view). And then this little stray cat came along, back in the Spring. And my family suddenly turned in the opposite direction: it started getting bigger. By one. One little stray cat who came to live with the old cat and me and there was newness and new life. He is young, very young, this stray who is no longer a stray. He has a long life ahead of him. And for me he is the hope of regeneration and the building of happiness rather than its dissolving.
I have been chastened by my contact with addicts. I struggle to believe in recovery and am not sure I ever will. I read about it here and elsewhere. But I have lost a lot of faith.
I do know that my own recovery has been so necessary. That I needed to know what it is to live without emotional dependency, I needed to be able to build myself a strong foundation on the inside. While I was orbiting around a man, this could never have happened. And if it had not, I would never have been able to meet people on a gut level and be present to their pain. And I can do that today.
So thank you for this beautiful post. I needed its spirit of hope and I know your words will mean a lot to many people. God bless you. And keep rocking!
. Ha! Wishing I had not been such a romantic, because that romantic heart pulled me toward a lot of pain. And feeling some shame about wealth I, too, once enjoyed and lost in my codependency, and bashing myself because I have not lived a staid and predictable life. Your description of the serenity found in the little apartment behind Salvation Army just caught me right in the heart. And your cherishing life while your body has been giving you fits....You have a vibrant soul, and I have found that those who are most passionate in this world are almost always those who have descended into some kind of personal hell and done some very tough self-reflection and then clawed their way back out. (And I guess a split-level life somewhere in Kansas without drama maybe doesn't encourage that). I used to live on an island in a gorgeous house with rose gardens and endless mullioned windows and a rocky beach outside my door. I had a house full of dogs and cats and a loving relationship. And then alcoholism came knocking. My island world did not survive it. We split, and over the past years, my dogs and cats have died, one by one, as though my family could not disintegrate all at once, but instead dissolved slowly, with each euthanasia, which I handled alone, the alcoholic long gone.
It was down to me and one old sick cat in 2012. In a smaller house in a modest neighborhood (without a water view). And then this little stray cat came along, back in the Spring. And my family suddenly turned in the opposite direction: it started getting bigger. By one. One little stray cat who came to live with the old cat and me and there was newness and new life. He is young, very young, this stray who is no longer a stray. He has a long life ahead of him. And for me he is the hope of regeneration and the building of happiness rather than its dissolving.
I have been chastened by my contact with addicts. I struggle to believe in recovery and am not sure I ever will. I read about it here and elsewhere. But I have lost a lot of faith.
I do know that my own recovery has been so necessary. That I needed to know what it is to live without emotional dependency, I needed to be able to build myself a strong foundation on the inside. While I was orbiting around a man, this could never have happened. And if it had not, I would never have been able to meet people on a gut level and be present to their pain. And I can do that today.
So thank you for this beautiful post. I needed its spirit of hope and I know your words will mean a lot to many people. God bless you. And keep rocking!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Cajun Country
Posts: 10
Cant find edit. Richard Bach, not Back. The book is fabulous and I recommend it. It's a light easy read, but also very profound, full of a ton of quotes like the above. Much of it is a book of inspirational quotes with a good story of personal power between them
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Thanks for sharing Mike. Gave me a smile today and reminds me of how far I've come in my own journey. Appreciating the little things, even when the "big" things feel like huge weights on my back holding me down. Knowing and believing that this too shall pass. Being excited for the next adventure. Looking forward to life, instead of dreading another day of chaos.
Happy Thanksgiving! ; )
~T
Happy Thanksgiving! ; )
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Mike, what a wonderful, inspiration post, and I can tell that you know that many of really need to hear your story on this Thanksgiving holiday.
It is hard the first time, and probably the next several times, that the traditions are broken, yet the routine stays similar, just not with the person you used to do it with.
Your words give me hope; your words cheer me up; you have helped more than you could know.
ShootingStar1
It is hard the first time, and probably the next several times, that the traditions are broken, yet the routine stays similar, just not with the person you used to do it with.
Your words give me hope; your words cheer me up; you have helped more than you could know.
ShootingStar1
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
