I lost my girl after 11 years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pacifica,Ca
Posts: 5
I lost my girl after 11 years
I recently broke up with my girl after living together for 11 years, we were planning to get married last month and she changed. She started going to a meeting a week, and I was very supportive of her getting sober. She began going more and more to meetings, and I feel that she has replaced me for her A.A group. She went and saw a marriage counselor for advice, and broke the news of not "in love" with me, but she loves me. I am very confused, lost, and heartbroken. She has shut everyone out of her life, her close family, and I feel that I was next to be out. Is this a normal feeling?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i bet you are hurting, and i am sorry that things have come to this. it is awesome your partner has embraced her sobriety with all she has to give as im guessing (never been in that situation) that it would be a very tough demon she is battling. from what i have learnt from on here, that she is doing all she can to fix herself, and maybe the best idea for now is just to let her go so she can do this. so many people on here are crying and hurting because their loved ones are not doing what your partner is....and that is embracing her recovery. i can not say what your futures hold, but maybe for now just live your life and if down the track the two of you want to rebuild your lives then it might happen. hugs to you during what is a very difficult time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I find that on holidays I am most vulnerable to romanticizing the past and the relationship with an addict. So tonight I pulled out a book that I use when I need some hard core reality. It's called "I Want My Life Back" and is written by a recovering drug addict named Steve Hamilton. Addiction is addiction, and what he writes applies to alcoholics as well.
He says "addicts are relationship time bombs...Remember that whenever you do drugs [as well as drink], whether it's regular "harmless" weed or shrooms or something more hectic like acid or crack cocaine, you undergo a personality change."
He writes that his relationship with his girlfriend when he was in active addiction was thus based on a lie. "It may have been great but it wasn't real." He writes that he could not relate to anyone without drugs: "When your emotions and moods are dictated by drugs, that's a slippery set of rocks to use as a foundation for a relationship. You're different on drugs. You behave one way when you're doing drugs and another when you're not. The highs are very high, the lows are ghastly, and the in between times are spent calculating and scheming how to get back to the highs."
He writes "when you come down...you get no pleasure out of anything." He writes that his girlfriend was down when he was down and the relationship was great when he was high because everything felt so good to him. But that when he was not high, everything was a letdown: "All of those other elements that are part of any relationship are affected....Your moods veer first one way and then another. You get angry, depressed, anxious, paranoid, restless....You have an argument over something trivial and all of a sudden it's a BIG argument...and before you know it it's grown out of all proportion until you're not talking to each other...."
I share these brief excerpts with you in hope to somehow reassure you that the problem is not you, it was never you, the problem when we are in relationship with an addict or an alcoholic is DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. What they do to the brain of the addict. And what the addict's erratic, unpredictable personality changes do to us.
If your girlfriend was an alcoholic the entire 11 years you were together, then, unfortunately, your relationship was not built on a solid foundation. Much of it has been an illusion. And in these alcoholic/codependent relationships, there is a certain reward for each person that is unhealthy. Often the alcoholic needs the partner as an enabler. And often the codependent has an unhealthy need to be a saviour. When the alcoholic decides to recover, that unstable symbiosis collapses.
So, my feeling is that the change in your relationship has no direct connection to her attendance at AA. But has everything to do with the sudden collapse of what has been in many ways an arrangement which depended on certain lies being sustained. This is the way it is in all relationships dominated by addiction. Both the addict and the codependent operate with false personalities. In fact, both can become so removed from who they really are, that when sobriety enters the picture, they have no idea how to relate to each other.
This is a time of great instability and change for you, and I would for now just flow with it. Not try to control anything, but be open to learning more about yourself, and open to the unfolding of the future and what that might bring. To focus on yourself, I suggest Al-Anon or CoDA. Get some ground under you. It is not uncommon for alcoholics to loop back after they've initiated a break-up. It could be two months or two years or five years later. But they often show up at the door again. If you have not gotten yourself healthy, you will slide very fast back onto the same slippery slope you traveled the last 11 years--if she loops back-- with probably the same painful outcome. If you get yourself healthy, you'll have a better chance of making good choices, based on clear thinking and an absence of desperate need.
I'm sorry for your hurt and bewilderment. It is always the outcome, when someone is in love with an active alcoholic. I hope you can find good support and healing. Don't try to foretell the future. Work on yourself and let Life and your Higher Power open the next door.
He says "addicts are relationship time bombs...Remember that whenever you do drugs [as well as drink], whether it's regular "harmless" weed or shrooms or something more hectic like acid or crack cocaine, you undergo a personality change."
He writes that his relationship with his girlfriend when he was in active addiction was thus based on a lie. "It may have been great but it wasn't real." He writes that he could not relate to anyone without drugs: "When your emotions and moods are dictated by drugs, that's a slippery set of rocks to use as a foundation for a relationship. You're different on drugs. You behave one way when you're doing drugs and another when you're not. The highs are very high, the lows are ghastly, and the in between times are spent calculating and scheming how to get back to the highs."
He writes "when you come down...you get no pleasure out of anything." He writes that his girlfriend was down when he was down and the relationship was great when he was high because everything felt so good to him. But that when he was not high, everything was a letdown: "All of those other elements that are part of any relationship are affected....Your moods veer first one way and then another. You get angry, depressed, anxious, paranoid, restless....You have an argument over something trivial and all of a sudden it's a BIG argument...and before you know it it's grown out of all proportion until you're not talking to each other...."
I share these brief excerpts with you in hope to somehow reassure you that the problem is not you, it was never you, the problem when we are in relationship with an addict or an alcoholic is DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. What they do to the brain of the addict. And what the addict's erratic, unpredictable personality changes do to us.
If your girlfriend was an alcoholic the entire 11 years you were together, then, unfortunately, your relationship was not built on a solid foundation. Much of it has been an illusion. And in these alcoholic/codependent relationships, there is a certain reward for each person that is unhealthy. Often the alcoholic needs the partner as an enabler. And often the codependent has an unhealthy need to be a saviour. When the alcoholic decides to recover, that unstable symbiosis collapses.
So, my feeling is that the change in your relationship has no direct connection to her attendance at AA. But has everything to do with the sudden collapse of what has been in many ways an arrangement which depended on certain lies being sustained. This is the way it is in all relationships dominated by addiction. Both the addict and the codependent operate with false personalities. In fact, both can become so removed from who they really are, that when sobriety enters the picture, they have no idea how to relate to each other.
This is a time of great instability and change for you, and I would for now just flow with it. Not try to control anything, but be open to learning more about yourself, and open to the unfolding of the future and what that might bring. To focus on yourself, I suggest Al-Anon or CoDA. Get some ground under you. It is not uncommon for alcoholics to loop back after they've initiated a break-up. It could be two months or two years or five years later. But they often show up at the door again. If you have not gotten yourself healthy, you will slide very fast back onto the same slippery slope you traveled the last 11 years--if she loops back-- with probably the same painful outcome. If you get yourself healthy, you'll have a better chance of making good choices, based on clear thinking and an absence of desperate need.
I'm sorry for your hurt and bewilderment. It is always the outcome, when someone is in love with an active alcoholic. I hope you can find good support and healing. Don't try to foretell the future. Work on yourself and let Life and your Higher Power open the next door.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
How long has she been going to AA? Early recovery is a roller coaster with previously numbed emotions and artificially induced ones, not to mention withdrawal and cross/substitute addictions (i.e., not sober).
Get to Al-Anon for your own support, serenity and sanity.
Get to Al-Anon for your own support, serenity and sanity.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sDickinson, my heart goes out to you---truly! I can imagine how confused and deflated you must feel.
EnglishGarden has just posted, to you, an excellent synopsis of what goes on in alcoholic relationships. I can't add anything to that. I would say to take every word of it to heart and to get connected to alanon or other support for yourself.
It is said that the seeds of healing and change are sown in the pain of the crisis. So far, I have seen this to be true.
Learn the serenity prayer and cling to it.
sincerely, dandylion
EnglishGarden has just posted, to you, an excellent synopsis of what goes on in alcoholic relationships. I can't add anything to that. I would say to take every word of it to heart and to get connected to alanon or other support for yourself.
It is said that the seeds of healing and change are sown in the pain of the crisis. So far, I have seen this to be true.
Learn the serenity prayer and cling to it.
sincerely, dandylion
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
sorry this happened to you. it seems that some addicts push people away once sober even those closest perhapse because the void that they filled the bottle with that asnt filled by those that love them is now being filled with aa and counseling.
it sad that they cant live life normally afterwords and carry on the way we have and still allow their addictions to be the reason to push others away,
this is sad indeed and i hope her counselor helps her get to the bottom of this destruction whilst staying sober.
it sad that they cant live life normally afterwords and carry on the way we have and still allow their addictions to be the reason to push others away,
this is sad indeed and i hope her counselor helps her get to the bottom of this destruction whilst staying sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This has never happened to me but it seems fairly common from what I have read on these boards, a lot of alcoholics seem to sever relationships once they get into recovery. Hopefully she gets the help that she needs but it can't be an easy experience for you, how are you taking care of yourself?
-z
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This has never happened to me but it seems fairly common from what I have read on these boards, a lot of alcoholics seem to sever relationships once they get into recovery. Hopefully she gets the help that she needs but it can't be an easy experience for you, how are you taking care of yourself?
-z
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pacifica,Ca
Posts: 5
Thanks for the support
I have recently went home by myself for the holidays, Violet my fiancé, stayed behind. One thing I know for sure is the holidays is very hard for her, and her family also has their problems. I dont like thinking of her being alone, but I know she has A.A for support. I went to a meeting in my home town for the first time, and got some advice from a sponsor. I want to thank you all for the support, I am a total "normie", and am adjusting to the "new" Violet. I need time to reflect and grow myself, I know she also needs to grow as well. I think its like getting to know a new person, I myself plan to attend al anon meetings because the only advice I have is on here. My birthday is friday, and I know she is thinking of me, but I would sacrifice our love for each other for her to be sober. I love the sober Violet, and wish her well.
Thank You all for your support, I never knew much about sobriety, I used to think people in AA were weak, but it takes a lot of strength to admit your an alcoholic, and make changes in your life.
Scott
Thank You all for your support, I never knew much about sobriety, I used to think people in AA were weak, but it takes a lot of strength to admit your an alcoholic, and make changes in your life.
Scott
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Dancing in the Streets!
Posts: 25
I feel your pain. After 25 years married, 2 kids then he decides he is not "in love" with me but he loves me. Could have saved me alot of heartache 25 years ago. I believe there is somebody out there that will treat me like a princess that I am. Going threw divorce now, living together. This to shall pass. Im looking forward to a new life without all the drama.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 11
I can only speak from my own experience and hopefully it will help. If not, just know I am sorry for what you are going through. I am in a situation that is kind of the opposite of yours. My wife is severe alcoholic and I have been watching in pain for years now as she got worse and it became clear she is slowly killing herself. For me, I have been struggling to find ways to help her, but nothing I did helped. She has to do the heavy lifting. That is what I learned and me being there to catch her everytime is just hurting her. I walked. I am very sad to see this happen to her. It breaks my heart.
For me, I have to not only walk away but recognize that emotionally this has damaged me as well, and I have a ton of conflicting feelings and emotions I need to work through. It will take time and lots of work. My emotions are chaotic and my thoughts are often confused because of it. Now, stack on top if I were to try to start a relationship right now. Relationships, old ones or new ones, are emotional bread baskets. If we are struggling with something that is life threatening like alcoholism, it may just simply be too much to work on the relationship while working on the relationship with yourself-which seems to be the goal here. Again, that's me.
I know many drug and alcohol programs actually require one year before an addict engages in any kind of relationship because of the complications it can cause.
In closing, know that it could be worse. You may be loosing her as she struggles to find her self and get sober, but that is miles better than continuing to watch her die, and one day loosing her entirely. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It's not fun but it presents you with a good opportunity to grow and learn something about yourself and what you need in your life.
For me, I have to not only walk away but recognize that emotionally this has damaged me as well, and I have a ton of conflicting feelings and emotions I need to work through. It will take time and lots of work. My emotions are chaotic and my thoughts are often confused because of it. Now, stack on top if I were to try to start a relationship right now. Relationships, old ones or new ones, are emotional bread baskets. If we are struggling with something that is life threatening like alcoholism, it may just simply be too much to work on the relationship while working on the relationship with yourself-which seems to be the goal here. Again, that's me.
I know many drug and alcohol programs actually require one year before an addict engages in any kind of relationship because of the complications it can cause.
In closing, know that it could be worse. You may be loosing her as she struggles to find her self and get sober, but that is miles better than continuing to watch her die, and one day loosing her entirely. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It's not fun but it presents you with a good opportunity to grow and learn something about yourself and what you need in your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm sorry you must go through this tough experience. If you love your girlfriend let her go for the time being. Getting sober is one of the toughest things to do in life and without giving ourselves totally over to the process we won't get sober. Early recovery is a time of volitile emotions. This is something she must do on her own. I suggest Alanon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pacifica,Ca
Posts: 5
Al-Anon newbie
Thanks for all the feedback on here, Since I have broke off my relation with my alcoholic fiancé, I have been to two meetings. I felt like I really wanted to share my story because, I wanted answers, and someone to listen. I realize that what happened in our relationship is not my fault, but still love her very much. I love her so much, that I am willing to let her go, because I need to work on myself. I think Ive poured out more feelings in 2 meetings at Al Anon than I have my whole life. Whether we find each other or not is completely up to the higher power, I need to be selfish and focus on me now.
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