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At the risk of perpetuating my brooding 
i thought I would post today some insights that helped me get through last night. Aside from all the wonderful advice and support here.....
I have noticed, many of the relationships described involve an element of the qualifier returning to an ex they claimed to have hated or be over. I know as someone on the receiving end, besides the obvious pain, it is compounded by this fact. All the ideas that swirl around your mind (that would amidst a "normal" break up) are torturous and its is difficult to gain perspective. When someone leaves you for someone else, in a 'normal' situation, its like someone taking a handful of rock salt and rubbing it into an already open wound...
For myself, what I do is create this fantasy in my mind in which these two are now on cloud nine, basking in the glory of their everlasting love and laughing at all the 'in betweeners' who thought they had a chance.
My therapist, said something to me once that was jarring: "He is who he is no matter who he is with". In my head, I had imagined that perhaps when he was with her suddenly he was this attentive, loving, honest, sweet man because SHE was his one true love. But in situations like these, that could not be farther from the truth.
The reality is, this disease thrives on comfort zones and enabling no matter how destructive. In my situation, the two of them were together on and off for years beginning in their childhood. Arrests, domestic issues, cheating, lying, abuse. How comfortable that must be to someone who knows only those things. In the same way our relationship became uncomfortable for me because I had never in my life experienced love in that way.
For an addict, there is no love for people but the things they do to feed their monster: money or acceptance or being 'worse' than they are to make them feel better about themselves....
We may think its about love and romance. But its better to keep in perspective that if this person was functioning with a clear head, a relationship they described as toxic would have no allure. Again, in the same way that, when I am well, I know without a shadow of a doubt, a relationship like I just escaped would NEVER be acceptable to me. He is not well. And clearly anyone who welcomes that into their life, can not be well either. It is just not possible.
Al Anon has taught me this. Just because this person caused the pot to boil over doesnt mean it wasnt already at a boiling point before I met him. if I had been 'well' the unacceptable things that occurred would have been stopped dead in their tracks.
How comforting it must have been when we had first met and he had his "fresh start". To be able to say to this woman he had never met before "those days are behind me" and know I believed him 100%? It must have felt liberating. And then as I became privy and letting it be known none of this was a right way to live, how it must have felt like the walls were closing in. I'd run too.
None of this is an excuse. But it is an explanation somewhat that helps me to get to sleep knowing none of it is personal. For the addict, its like instead of making your bed daily to make it comfy to sleep in, just buying a new bed every time you mess yours up. How exhausting and costly! But its not about personal rejection...but ease. Its just...easier this way for them.
In our last days he told me they had conceived two children who were never born. And I felt so sorry for myself. Me and this child added to a list of casualties. Here I thought I was so unique and special to him. But then I thought of what a shell of a woman I would have to be to let him do that to me TWICE and still pine and fight for him....year after year.
I could never miss him enough or be heartbroken enough to think that was ok and welcome it back into my life. Any person who thinks that is romance and love and passion deserves sympathy...not envy.
I want to be someone's object of honour and respect. Not his pair of old raggedy shoes he slips into when the new ones give him blisters and he remembers I am in the back of the closet! You know the ones: the ones you paint in, or don't mind getting muddy because they are crap anyways??
Six years this woman has been doing this. On and off and on and off. Second best, third best, fourth, fifth...I need to stop being jealous of that before God gives me what Im wishing for!
When I think of the kind of girl I would have to be to endure the pain and heartache he caused for years and years, I am glad I am not her. I was brought far down, but thank goodness I am not so in the dark that I think that is "love".
In my best moments I say "fine, she can have him!". (when I am not bawling my eyes out in the fetal position lol).
I dont mean any of this to sound judgemental or like I am relishing in the pain of others. But I have become a professional at wallowing and perspective is the only antidote. And I know how much it meant to hear other's perspectives when I needed it most. I have no idea what kind of night I would have had if you all hadn't posted in support yesterday....
Just thought I would share, like you all have and maybe help make someone's day a little better, like you have mine....
i thought I would post today some insights that helped me get through last night. Aside from all the wonderful advice and support here.....I have noticed, many of the relationships described involve an element of the qualifier returning to an ex they claimed to have hated or be over. I know as someone on the receiving end, besides the obvious pain, it is compounded by this fact. All the ideas that swirl around your mind (that would amidst a "normal" break up) are torturous and its is difficult to gain perspective. When someone leaves you for someone else, in a 'normal' situation, its like someone taking a handful of rock salt and rubbing it into an already open wound...
For myself, what I do is create this fantasy in my mind in which these two are now on cloud nine, basking in the glory of their everlasting love and laughing at all the 'in betweeners' who thought they had a chance.
My therapist, said something to me once that was jarring: "He is who he is no matter who he is with". In my head, I had imagined that perhaps when he was with her suddenly he was this attentive, loving, honest, sweet man because SHE was his one true love. But in situations like these, that could not be farther from the truth.
The reality is, this disease thrives on comfort zones and enabling no matter how destructive. In my situation, the two of them were together on and off for years beginning in their childhood. Arrests, domestic issues, cheating, lying, abuse. How comfortable that must be to someone who knows only those things. In the same way our relationship became uncomfortable for me because I had never in my life experienced love in that way.
For an addict, there is no love for people but the things they do to feed their monster: money or acceptance or being 'worse' than they are to make them feel better about themselves....
We may think its about love and romance. But its better to keep in perspective that if this person was functioning with a clear head, a relationship they described as toxic would have no allure. Again, in the same way that, when I am well, I know without a shadow of a doubt, a relationship like I just escaped would NEVER be acceptable to me. He is not well. And clearly anyone who welcomes that into their life, can not be well either. It is just not possible.
Al Anon has taught me this. Just because this person caused the pot to boil over doesnt mean it wasnt already at a boiling point before I met him. if I had been 'well' the unacceptable things that occurred would have been stopped dead in their tracks.
How comforting it must have been when we had first met and he had his "fresh start". To be able to say to this woman he had never met before "those days are behind me" and know I believed him 100%? It must have felt liberating. And then as I became privy and letting it be known none of this was a right way to live, how it must have felt like the walls were closing in. I'd run too.
None of this is an excuse. But it is an explanation somewhat that helps me to get to sleep knowing none of it is personal. For the addict, its like instead of making your bed daily to make it comfy to sleep in, just buying a new bed every time you mess yours up. How exhausting and costly! But its not about personal rejection...but ease. Its just...easier this way for them.
In our last days he told me they had conceived two children who were never born. And I felt so sorry for myself. Me and this child added to a list of casualties. Here I thought I was so unique and special to him. But then I thought of what a shell of a woman I would have to be to let him do that to me TWICE and still pine and fight for him....year after year.
I could never miss him enough or be heartbroken enough to think that was ok and welcome it back into my life. Any person who thinks that is romance and love and passion deserves sympathy...not envy.
I want to be someone's object of honour and respect. Not his pair of old raggedy shoes he slips into when the new ones give him blisters and he remembers I am in the back of the closet! You know the ones: the ones you paint in, or don't mind getting muddy because they are crap anyways??
Six years this woman has been doing this. On and off and on and off. Second best, third best, fourth, fifth...I need to stop being jealous of that before God gives me what Im wishing for!
When I think of the kind of girl I would have to be to endure the pain and heartache he caused for years and years, I am glad I am not her. I was brought far down, but thank goodness I am not so in the dark that I think that is "love".
In my best moments I say "fine, she can have him!". (when I am not bawling my eyes out in the fetal position lol).
I dont mean any of this to sound judgemental or like I am relishing in the pain of others. But I have become a professional at wallowing and perspective is the only antidote. And I know how much it meant to hear other's perspectives when I needed it most. I have no idea what kind of night I would have had if you all hadn't posted in support yesterday....
Just thought I would share, like you all have and maybe help make someone's day a little better, like you have mine....
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