ZiggyB

Hi all,
I am starting to realize the holiday season will be very difficult. The past few years I was with axbf and I admit we had some wonderful times. I'm not too keen on dealing with it all by myself. I am spending Thanksgiving doing volunteer work and hanging out with friends and I will be with my family during the holidays, but I will miss having an S.O.

I just notice the old negative shame based thoughts coming up:

I'm worthless
I'm unlovable
I have too many problems

I hope I will get through December without losing my mind! It's a difficult time to be feeling lonely.

MsPINKAcres

"never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do"
ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

This statement helped me thru some really rough holidays when I would be in a room full of people and felt totally alone, unloved and unwanted ~ then the next few years I was totally alone & felt loved only by my HP ~

This is not an easy path to walk - I pray you find comfort, peace and serenity in doing what is healthy for YOU

PINK HUGS,

Tuffgirl

In all honesty, I think we (society) put some crazy emphasis on relationships during the holidays, as if there is something wrong with not being in one to begin with.

The way I see it is this: by not being in a relationship over the holidays, I get to enjoy them as I see fit. I have no obligation to go places I don't want to go, because of someone else's obligations to their own family. I am not responsible for finding and paying for gifts that may or may not be appreciated. I don't have to deal with any drama or BS because of someone else's holiday dysfunction.

Instead of looking at what you don't have, maybe try looking at what you do have? Freedom? Serenity? Good friends? Choices? A nice life, regardless of whether or not you have an "S.O."? How about being your own best significant other?

When you start trash-talking yourself, redirecting to a gratitude list is most beneficial.

ZiggyB

Thanks, which book are you referring to? Can you please send me a link? I need to have some conversations with my HP, I think...

lillamy

I have a group of friends who have actually helped me a lot with overcoming holiday loneliness.

This year, I've heard horror stories about family fights about when to celebrate, what to eat, who to invite, brothers with six kids who can't be bothered to RSVP and let the hosting family know whether they're coming for Thanksgiving (to sleep over), and family members just refusing holiday celebrations because of differing political opinions.

All in all, it makes me feel pretty darn good about celebrating alone with my kids. The lack of drama is really something to be thankful for.

Thumper

I agree with previous posters - definitely some upsides to low-key hoildays!

Hugs to you. Be gentle with yourself too. The first round of holidays were hard for us. We had celebrated many years together and the weight of someone missing was heavy. The traditions no longer hummed along, changes needed to be made, new traditions and a new normal needed to be established. The second year was much much easier.

As for those hurtful loops in our head. Replace them with something more positive. Make yourself think the positive loop anytime the negative one creeps in. Plan ahead! What movies, play lists, and activities can you do that affirms your worth, your self love, and your strength?


"You're so mean when you talk about yourself,
You are wrong.
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead." from 'Perfect' by Pink.

ZiggyB

Thanks - I was making some progress in those areas but for some reason the holidays are causing it to come to the surface. I guess I don't really want to be alone but I didn't want to be in a relationship with a disrespectful alcoholic either. I'll try to focus on something positive for a while.

alole

I agree. Going through a break-up during the holidays sucks. I'm seriously thinking of just dating again just to feel less lonely.

Anon12

Ziggyb, I feel the same and have same concerns - my XABF and i first met a couple of weeks before Christmas and it used to make the time I always used to find hard, really romantic and warm. I will find it hard.

Last Christmas he wasn't drinking. He'd given up (for me). I wasn't talking to his father who refused to apologise after shouting down the phone at my mum after x had relapsed in oct and I'd asked her to call as I needed a break. I wondered if he could stay with his parents for a few days. His dad refused and told my mum to back off. I didn't go with my x to his parents and he was fine about it but it caused tension. I won't miss that.

Rosiepetal

Ziggy, so sorry you're feeling like this honey.
Your healing, advice & ability to move forward have been an inspiration to me.
I too am approaching a xmas work party & I am terrified xabf & new gf will be at same function as small town.
I decided I would turn the focus away from them & plan something for me to look forward to so I'm going to plan a social party at my house in the New Year Jan 12th. This has given me a distraction, something to look forward to & will be helpful for my confidence & regaining a social network of friends.
Perhaps plan an outing to look forward to?
You are such a beautiful soul & deserve every happiness.
One day at a time my friend.
Hugs to you.

itsmylifenow

Yes, that's an area I had to overcome as well.

Although my xabf and I did not have any wonderful holidays whatsoever, it was my expectations of that perfect man, lovingly sitting on the couch with me while we had wine and listened to Christmas music and sat by the fire admiring the pretty lights of the tree that really had me disappointed for many years.

There is a part of me that still wants that of course, but I've worked on learning to love myself and being alone...especially when it's not by choice.

I find that where once I would freak out being home alone on a Friday night or not going out when I had the time to, I am very okay with it now. But, it took time for me to let go of expectations and to realize that I really wasn't alone. I had friends and family and kids and pets! Although not the same as sharing it with a SO they deserved my love just as much if not more than one.

I am finding that by giving love I am getting so much back in return and when I'm in the right place I will have my romantic holiday with just the right person.

Be good to yourself Zig.

ZiggyB

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I am going to try to stay positive but I think I will be grateful when the New Year starts. It is difficult because I live alone and don't have any kids or pets but wallowing in self-pity certainly won't help me either. I think this is just a blip on my path to progress. They say that grief is a circular process so it isn't too surprising some stuff is coming back up to the surface.

I went back and read some of my information on malignant narcissism and that is helping me to remember why things did not work and how this man, although wonderful at times, was also a hotbed of psychological problems. *sigh*

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

AlcoholicLove

I believe that is from the Alanon book, One Day At A Time (ODAT)
Someone confirm that for me?

akalacha

Ziggy, I feel your pain. Really. This will be the first Christmas in nine years I won't be with my now Xpartner. I also have no family and live alone in a somewhat isolated area. I do have my pets and that helps. But the thought of spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day here by myself with just the animals is frightening to me. I have friends but they all have plans with their own families. I feel that if I can just get through Christmas and the rest of the year I will be much better when the new year starts.

ZiggyB

Yes, I wish I had a pet too sometimes (my Landlord does not allow them). Even a cat would be helpful. But fortunately I am going to be with my parents on Christmas so that will be nice. I do hope we both get through the holidays, I got a gratitude journal yesterday so I can think of things to be happy about.

I hope you have a nice day...

PeacefulMe

I can identify and just coming to SR today has helped me feel more a part of a community. thank you all for being here today. I feel as if you are family. My AH died last week of complications of his disease. We had been separated over a year and the divorce was close o being final so I had to basically go through the divorce process and now the grief of the death. I was with extended family at the funeral but back home now with the two cats which does indeed help. I have no family locally but just wanted to be in my own place for the day after several weeks of sleeping in the hospital, hospice and more recently motels out of state where AH was buried. One of the cats was his and I inherited that one when he died. He had actually asked me two months ago that if he died or went to a nursing home would I take the cat so he knew he was failing.. I did makelans to go to dinner with two girlfriends but I'm afraid I will start crying during the meal. We had actually made these plans before AH entered the hospital so I decided to keep them but am having second thoughts since it is at a buffet at our country club where there will be many people who AH played golf with.