what happens to the mutual friends?!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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what happens to the mutual friends?!
My girlfriend called today to get our children together to play.
Here's the thing. Her husband is good friends with my AH, and they are even in the same field and have mutual work friends in very high places. Independent of my AH, he's very much my friend, too. And our children are really close and play really well together.
I think my AH said something, though, to this girlfriend's husband last summer. Probably a version of his rant which goes that I am crazy and difficult and that is why we have some tension but he loves me more than ever, yadadada, and he'll do anything to make me happy...but I am so impossible to satisfy, sigh...
I think he said something because this fellow, my friend too, really had a change of demeanor towards me since, although we still get along well. (BTW, he is happily married, I don't flirt with him, my AH isn't at all the jealous sort, I just have guy friends and this is one of them.)
Anyways, either way, divorce is imminent and he's going to give some she's whacko- it's all her doing- I'm so miserable but she won't listen to reason- even for the benefit of the children- story. Then it will be really uncomfortable and maybe not so good for my children whose parents will have reason to think ill of me.
My AH, mind you, is extremely convincing and has impressive credentials and people want to know him.
Sorry let me get to the question. Do I tell my friends anything? It puts them in an awkward situation to explain how my AH has been abusive, manipulative, crazy, alcoholic, cheating and lying to me and has left me no choice and won't seek help or behave himself no matter what I do. And I am about to get a restraining order, etc. Or do I say nothing and I'll see these people but they won't ever be real friends in this scenario...
I am just a sucker for advise these days.
Here's the thing. Her husband is good friends with my AH, and they are even in the same field and have mutual work friends in very high places. Independent of my AH, he's very much my friend, too. And our children are really close and play really well together.
I think my AH said something, though, to this girlfriend's husband last summer. Probably a version of his rant which goes that I am crazy and difficult and that is why we have some tension but he loves me more than ever, yadadada, and he'll do anything to make me happy...but I am so impossible to satisfy, sigh...
I think he said something because this fellow, my friend too, really had a change of demeanor towards me since, although we still get along well. (BTW, he is happily married, I don't flirt with him, my AH isn't at all the jealous sort, I just have guy friends and this is one of them.)
Anyways, either way, divorce is imminent and he's going to give some she's whacko- it's all her doing- I'm so miserable but she won't listen to reason- even for the benefit of the children- story. Then it will be really uncomfortable and maybe not so good for my children whose parents will have reason to think ill of me.
My AH, mind you, is extremely convincing and has impressive credentials and people want to know him.
Sorry let me get to the question. Do I tell my friends anything? It puts them in an awkward situation to explain how my AH has been abusive, manipulative, crazy, alcoholic, cheating and lying to me and has left me no choice and won't seek help or behave himself no matter what I do. And I am about to get a restraining order, etc. Or do I say nothing and I'll see these people but they won't ever be real friends in this scenario...
I am just a sucker for advise these days.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Sorry let me get to the question. Do I tell my friends anything? It puts them in an awkward situation to explain how my AH has been abusive, manipulative, crazy, alcoholic, cheating and lying to me and has left me no choice and won't seek help or behave himself no matter what I do. And I am about to get a restraining order, etc. Or do I say nothing and I'll see these people but they won't ever be real friends in this scenario...
Look, he has every right to his truth, which is probably that he's a totally stand-up guy that is leaving his crazy ***** wife and riding happily into the sunset. And your truth is that whatever you once had, your husband has a drinking problem and things got really scary, and you can't be with him anymore because his drinking is unsafe and out of control. Edit as necessary.
Three mantras came to mind as I was reading this:
"We are only as sick as our secrets."
"Freedom of speech is the best weapon against bad government." (It's a stretch, but hey.)
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
So live your truth, don't be ashamed of doing what you had/have to do, and don't let him continue to bully you into submission. It took me a long time to realize this and I suffered because of it for many years, but you give away your power with the silence and fear.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I went through this situation, except there were no young children involved.
I left my marriage in 12/2008. I was able to leave because friends of mine offered me their house. Well the couple that I moved in with, the husband, was my exes best friend, the wife was my best friend. I told them that would seem weird, and that I didn't want to break up friendships.
My friend told me that if it were my ex saying the things that I was, they would have opened the house up to him, but the things that I was saying, seemed way to crazy to have been made up, and they both believed me.
Even after I moved there, the husband still kept in touch with my ex for awhile, then my ex stopped contacting him. We had a whole group of friends that were together for about 30 years, my ex dropped them all.
They stuck with me through everything, the sale of my house, and the divorce. He showed them who he was. They saw for themselves how cold, and indifferent he could be. They would still talk to him, if he called, they would even invite him over, but, I guess I got the friends, and couldn't be happier.
I left my marriage in 12/2008. I was able to leave because friends of mine offered me their house. Well the couple that I moved in with, the husband, was my exes best friend, the wife was my best friend. I told them that would seem weird, and that I didn't want to break up friendships.
My friend told me that if it were my ex saying the things that I was, they would have opened the house up to him, but the things that I was saying, seemed way to crazy to have been made up, and they both believed me.
Even after I moved there, the husband still kept in touch with my ex for awhile, then my ex stopped contacting him. We had a whole group of friends that were together for about 30 years, my ex dropped them all.
They stuck with me through everything, the sale of my house, and the divorce. He showed them who he was. They saw for themselves how cold, and indifferent he could be. They would still talk to him, if he called, they would even invite him over, but, I guess I got the friends, and couldn't be happier.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I love you guys 
As your sage tellings soak in, might you also know:
What happens to my husband's career, i.e. the income I share with the children and he, when word leaks out that he is an abusive, crazy drunk? Will people care what he does with his private life?
Strangely, while he can't seem to keep it together with us for very long, his work happily seems to be cooking along.
The moral part of me knows that I shouldn't care. The part of me that doesn't want to deal with serious financial hardship on top of the rest is still clinging to the lie.
As your sage tellings soak in, might you also know:
What happens to my husband's career, i.e. the income I share with the children and he, when word leaks out that he is an abusive, crazy drunk? Will people care what he does with his private life?
Strangely, while he can't seem to keep it together with us for very long, his work happily seems to be cooking along.
The moral part of me knows that I shouldn't care. The part of me that doesn't want to deal with serious financial hardship on top of the rest is still clinging to the lie.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Only you can decide how much information you want to share with others. This is a painful time. These are your very private and personal feelings. While you need a support system, not sure "mutual friends" is your best platform. It certainly leaves the door wide open for those nosy, gossipy friends to intrude. ( and we all have one or two)
A simple, "we have mutually agreed to end our marriage" is more than ample. No doubt about it, divorce has a way of separating and dividing the friends. You know these people, you have a relationship with them, you have to decide if they are trustworthy. You get to decide how much you want to share with others......
From my own divorce, I learned my own words came back to haunt me. My emotions got the best of me, and i said some nasty things and i shot myself in the foot. Not one of my better moments.....
Personally, I believe less is more........
A simple, "we have mutually agreed to end our marriage" is more than ample. No doubt about it, divorce has a way of separating and dividing the friends. You know these people, you have a relationship with them, you have to decide if they are trustworthy. You get to decide how much you want to share with others......
From my own divorce, I learned my own words came back to haunt me. My emotions got the best of me, and i said some nasty things and i shot myself in the foot. Not one of my better moments.....
Personally, I believe less is more........
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I have been through a very similar situation.
Things were progressively getting worse in our relationship last spring, butI kept it quiet, I didn't want any one to know. Unbeknownst to me, he started telling our male friends (we have lots of couple friends and tons of male friends) that I had post partum depression with our third child. It was untrue, yet he wouldn't give it up. It was probably his biggest downfall however, because we entertain often. They all saw me frequently and knew that I didn't have any sort of depression going on.
Finally my girlfriend called after he had told her husband the post partum thing. She asked what was up and I spilled it. I told her that his drinking was out of control. Funny thing was....they already knew that. I don't go around telling strangers what is going on, but if a good friend asks, I don't hide the situation. (I don't go into full details with very many people though either.).
My thought is, I haven't done these things. I haven't cheated on my spouse, been falling down drunk and nasty. It is not my embarrassment. I go around with my head held high, looking after our children. Those who briefly did believe his stories, now see the truth. They see that I look after the kids everyday and that he shows up maybe two days a month to see them. They know that he barely shows up, misses phone calls, and doesn't return their calls when they happen to phone him.
Much like amy55, we had a whole group of friends that my STBXAH has dropped. If they didn't want to believe his lies, he refused to speak to them. He has been friends with many of these people for 10, 20 years. That is how he is now. Happy, happy he claims, without all the "losers" surrounding him. He told me a month or two ago, that "all his new friends think he is awesome.". I let that set in for a bit and realized what he was really telling me is that all his old friends think he's an idiot. Lol.
I think that people/friends who want to see the truth will see it. If they don't want to, that isn't your problem.
. Sending you happy thoughts.
Things were progressively getting worse in our relationship last spring, butI kept it quiet, I didn't want any one to know. Unbeknownst to me, he started telling our male friends (we have lots of couple friends and tons of male friends) that I had post partum depression with our third child. It was untrue, yet he wouldn't give it up. It was probably his biggest downfall however, because we entertain often. They all saw me frequently and knew that I didn't have any sort of depression going on.
Finally my girlfriend called after he had told her husband the post partum thing. She asked what was up and I spilled it. I told her that his drinking was out of control. Funny thing was....they already knew that. I don't go around telling strangers what is going on, but if a good friend asks, I don't hide the situation. (I don't go into full details with very many people though either.).
My thought is, I haven't done these things. I haven't cheated on my spouse, been falling down drunk and nasty. It is not my embarrassment. I go around with my head held high, looking after our children. Those who briefly did believe his stories, now see the truth. They see that I look after the kids everyday and that he shows up maybe two days a month to see them. They know that he barely shows up, misses phone calls, and doesn't return their calls when they happen to phone him.
Much like amy55, we had a whole group of friends that my STBXAH has dropped. If they didn't want to believe his lies, he refused to speak to them. He has been friends with many of these people for 10, 20 years. That is how he is now. Happy, happy he claims, without all the "losers" surrounding him. He told me a month or two ago, that "all his new friends think he is awesome.". I let that set in for a bit and realized what he was really telling me is that all his old friends think he's an idiot. Lol.
I think that people/friends who want to see the truth will see it. If they don't want to, that isn't your problem.
. Sending you happy thoughts.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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It really wasn't a difficult situation for me, though I feared it would be.
The common friends who believed his story, I let them believe his story. And they faded out of my life and some remained in his, some didn't.
There were other common friends who called me and said, "We heard you cheated on him and left him without any explanation, and given what we know about him and what we know about you, all we can do is congratulate you that you got away from the lying *******." Those are still my friends.
I think for me, the people who knew me, I didn't have to worry about. I didn't have to tell them that whatever story AXH was spreading around was utter fabrication. The people who did believe him -- well, they never really knew me, or they wouldn't have believed him.
In a situation like yours, I would have no problem telling them "since your husband and mine are good friends, I feel a little awkward given that we're in the middle of a divorce, but I'd love to get the kids together as long as you don't have a problem with it."
The common friends who believed his story, I let them believe his story. And they faded out of my life and some remained in his, some didn't.
There were other common friends who called me and said, "We heard you cheated on him and left him without any explanation, and given what we know about him and what we know about you, all we can do is congratulate you that you got away from the lying *******." Those are still my friends.
I think for me, the people who knew me, I didn't have to worry about. I didn't have to tell them that whatever story AXH was spreading around was utter fabrication. The people who did believe him -- well, they never really knew me, or they wouldn't have believed him.
In a situation like yours, I would have no problem telling them "since your husband and mine are good friends, I feel a little awkward given that we're in the middle of a divorce, but I'd love to get the kids together as long as you don't have a problem with it."
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
People usually know more than you think they do.
I am reminded of a client of mine going through a divorce, very high profile here in town. STBXH loved by many - he trashed her when she filed.
As is often said here the truth will be revealed - and it was, he was abusive to her and his actions in the divorce turned every woman and most men against him.
I agree with the others that I wouldn't be "quiet"so to speak about him - but I also wouldn't put any effort into trying to "convince" someone and I certainly wouldn't be put on the defense with friends to "prove" anything.
He will show true colors to all eventually.
I am reminded of a client of mine going through a divorce, very high profile here in town. STBXH loved by many - he trashed her when she filed.
As is often said here the truth will be revealed - and it was, he was abusive to her and his actions in the divorce turned every woman and most men against him.
I agree with the others that I wouldn't be "quiet"so to speak about him - but I also wouldn't put any effort into trying to "convince" someone and I certainly wouldn't be put on the defense with friends to "prove" anything.
He will show true colors to all eventually.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i think you will find out who your true friends are. if they want to believe his truth then they werent your friends and so no great loss. kids will make new friends in the end, or they can visit these people when they are with your ex.
it all comes out in the wash.
it all comes out in the wash.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
Choose friends who like you, for you and who are not influenced by idle gossip.
I've a bit of a hard shell with regards to tolerating the company of people who aren't fond of me, so I can't relate to worrying about what 'friends' think about me.
If 'friends' think ill of me, then really, what kind of friend are they?
They're not.
I've a bit of a hard shell with regards to tolerating the company of people who aren't fond of me, so I can't relate to worrying about what 'friends' think about me.
If 'friends' think ill of me, then really, what kind of friend are they?
They're not.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You do find out who the true friends of the FAMILY are. Very few, but it is great to toss out of your life the many who aren't but played the part. Spring cleaning. Good riddance.
Don't worry about the financial effects on his income from your disclosing stuff unless it directly and substantially would impact his job. If you want to disclose his cheating and drinking to a select few, fine ... unless, for example, he's a psychiatrist sleeping with his patient, or a pastor who rails against drinking from the pulpit. In those cases, their actions will catch up to them - they get sloppy, lazy and/or comfortable eventually - without your having to disclose simply for full disclosure's sake.
Been there, done that. Understand your struggle.
Peace.
Don't worry about the financial effects on his income from your disclosing stuff unless it directly and substantially would impact his job. If you want to disclose his cheating and drinking to a select few, fine ... unless, for example, he's a psychiatrist sleeping with his patient, or a pastor who rails against drinking from the pulpit. In those cases, their actions will catch up to them - they get sloppy, lazy and/or comfortable eventually - without your having to disclose simply for full disclosure's sake.
Been there, done that. Understand your struggle.
Peace.
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