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need to rant

Old 11-19-2012, 04:12 PM
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need to rant

Dinner in the oven, 30 minutes to go.

"R"AH walks in door says hello.

I don't feel very loving toward him and he never displays any affection toward me.

I am coming on here as he sits looking at his computer screen to stop me when dinner time comes from saying -

"Would you like to sit at the table or should I just set up a trough."

Asked him how his day was. Good, he tells me. Got a lot done without interruption, that was the best part of my day, he says.

Not in a good way today.

I can feel him hanging on by his fingernails with not drinking and I can feel me more and more not wanting to be with him.

This morning I suggested - you know they have AA meetings on the weekends too. Would have been better off keeping my mouth shut. He spent the next 3 minutes shouting at me how I don't even see how he does have meetings to go to on the weekends. I walked away. Having the meetings and going are two different things, aren't they.

Sorry I know this is minor irritation compared to what others go through. I just don't want to be a person who feels the need to make snide comments and I find myself more and more feeling that way.
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Old 11-19-2012, 04:21 PM
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Hugs, hugs, and more hugs! I am totally with you on this one. It takes all my strength to NOT make snarky or snide comments and usually I just walk away seething.

Yet, I think it's really about my own expectations that I have, that aren't getting met. I expect my AH to take the same road to recovery that I am taking and in the same time frame. Talk about setting myself up for resentment. As frustrating as my life with him is, I still have to turn the mirror on myself and see where I need to change my response or my thinking. And, yes, sometimes I walk away stomping my feet because I challenge myself to see it differently and I want to yell, "No, I don't want to. Haven't I been through enough?" It's like I'm 10 years old again and I just don't want to do it(whatever IT is), but as an adult I know that I have choices and I can choose to respond or walk away or take a few deep breaths, whatever works, right?

Sorry you are struggling today!
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:21 PM
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Still ranting - well couldn't keep it in.

He comes over to the stove and asks if he should put dishes on the table or should we serve from here. I tell him it doesn't matter.

Then I lay into him that I am not a matriarch and maybe it was that way when he grew up and he most likely doesn't remember all the years we spent together when he did most of the cooking and if I cooked I was pretty easy going about it and didn't dictate how we did things.

He got all mad and claimed he doesn't even know what I'm cooking and that it's in the oven and it seemed like we should serve it from there. Well in my mind then just say that, don't ask me like I'm some f***in queen of the kitchen. I never was and never will be, I like to cook, I like to eat, I like to have social connection with food and that's it. I can't stand formalities, something he grew up with and what it seems all he can handle because his brain is all messed up.

I just feel like being with him is like being with a non-person. Someone who goes by the rules, plays it safe, doesn't care to be there with someone.

I am in a really bad way about what is between me and my "R"AH. I have no compassion for any of this. He stormed out and he's either heading to an AA meeting or the bar and I don't care at all which one it is because when he comes back he won't talk to me either way.

How did it get this way. Because I'm human and I reacted to all the years of lying and manipulating my mind so he could go on drinking, until it caught up with him and he couldn't hide it anymore. Then all hell broke out between us until I sought my own recovery and now I just don't know.

I hear other people say they are proud of their recovering spouses for not drinking well I just feel that pride needs to come from my RAH himself and from healing the hole he has from not having parents who felt proud of him. I don't want to feel pride in my partner, I want to feel respect and love and I don't.

I am a doer and I can do things but something is holding me back from getting a divorce even though I feel like I have no emotional attachment to my RAH and he most likely has none to me. Even without the active drinking it just seems like the alcohol is still there, like a mistress calling and controlling how involved RAH will get with me. I can't stand it.

I need to figure out what part of me needs to heal, because I am doing pretty good with my kids, my work, friends but not with RAH.

Thanks for reading my rant. I think today is just not a good day coming off the weekend of very little communication between me and RAH.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:38 PM
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Resentment and frustration.

How about journaling right now, free association, writing down anything you feel? Then read it and see what you find.
I am seeing that maybe you didn't tune into your feelings when something bothered you, and now it has morphed into something else, which could be confusing for both you and him.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:45 PM
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Dancingnow-

I am sorry you are feeling kind of cruddy.

I want to commend you for feeling, however, good, bad, ugly, yucky etc.

Often I sense in your posts a holding back of trying to make it okay, sometimes when it is not.

I am glad to see you not trying to make this okay. The only way out is through....and this has been a really hard lesson that I have to relearn again and again.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
Sorry I know this is minor irritation compared to what others go through. I just don't want to be a person who feels the need to make snide comments and I find myself more and more feeling that way.
You know, every time someone here writes that, I am amazed. I really admire you for this.

You see, for me, I would never have noticed and certainly wouldn't have complained about this 'minor' irritation. I was too sick in codie-world to have ever noticed legitimate irritation, much less feel it, and certainly would never have complained about it.

You go, girl!

He was rude, you noticed how it made you feel and respected that feeling in yourself, and you are respecting your growing awareness that maybe this is not what you want in your life. This is good, healthy behavior on your part. Respect that irritation and take care of it anyway you want; don't be like me and wait until it turns into rage and bitterness that is post traumatic stress worthy.

Give yourself a kudo.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:11 PM
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Dancingnow,

Something a dear friend told me once that really resonated with me: Express, don't repress!

I find that whenever I stuffed my irritations and feelings down, it would come out later in a way that I would regret.

Hugs to you!
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:27 PM
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I feel like I am in a VERY similar situation to yours. My husband has been sober for 6 months. All though I am very glad that he quit drinking, his temper is the same as it always was, maybe even worse since he can't go to alcohol for comfort. He blows up all the time over pointless **** and we go 2-3 days without talking and then we eventually start talking because he either apologizes or I get over it. But it is a continuous cycle, it seems like. I am so emotionally drained from it, that I too feel like I have lost all feelings for him. It doesn't even feel like I mean it when I say "I love you".
I know that he has a disease, however, I feel that it is unfair to me to have to bend over backwards to accomadate him and his temper. Who is going to help me when I break down from dealing with all the stress, pain and anger!?
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Old 11-19-2012, 09:18 PM
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my take on its is the drinking was such an impact in yalls lives that regardless right now drinking or not. it still is . it takes time for them to go back to normal. to act and do things thatcwe expect from a normal loving relationship. after all the love that he got he took from a bottle much like a mistress we were pushed away and while they get their mind back we are still left with the resentment and caution. feeling like its just not going to work anymore or like all the other times they are still hypnotized by addiction which puts a wedge between the relationship.
a person can only take so much and uts that reason we feel at our end.
good luck to you and hopefully things work out divorce or not....what you will or wont tolerate comes down to you
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Old 11-19-2012, 09:41 PM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I sometimes feel compassion for the disease but some days the arrogance and self centeredness just don't let me feel it.

He ended up I'm pretty sure going to a meeting. Came home and said nothing to me. I asked if he ate, since he stormed out without dinner and told him leftovers in the fridge. He mumbled he'll have them for lunch tomorrow. That was it.

Is it possible for someone who has gotten to the point of not being able to control their drinking to stop drinking for six months or so and then start again with controlled drinking only on the weekends. It seems to me that is what is going on. He goes to meetings once or twice during the week and all he does is come home and watch tv and go to sleep.

I know they say once you take that first drink, you can't stop and when he was doing that I didn't always know and later on he stayed away and then he got to where he had the blackouts, DUI and all that. But I think he stopped for awhile but is now starting back up again and it's only on the weekends when he's home here and pretty much sits in front of the tv and does a few errands.

We don't sleep in same room and as I said he never gives affection nor wants to receive it which I think is just his way of making sure I won't be close to him, if and when he may smell of alcohol.

I just want to believe that he is working on his recovery but if it's possible I think he is just doing what he can to get through his work week and hanging on by his fingernails on the weekend with sometimes having a drink or two if this is possible.

It doesn't really matter, we have no relationship and all that I work on for myself won't change this if it is true.

Thanks again all.
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Old 11-19-2012, 09:59 PM
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I guess everyone is different. My XABF truly a chronic A & he always tried control drinking every single time and ALWAYS right back to full blown! My gut says a true A can not successfully control drink but feel sure there are some out there that have been successful! I am sorry your going thru this ...
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:25 PM
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Can't say if he can control his drinking, it's possible, you and I do, right? could somebody regain control of drinking after losing control for awhile? Possible, but probably not a good idea, because their thoughts would go back to old ways of thinking, stinkin' thinkin' that is.
Unless..they could socially drink only.
That reminds me of where I draw the separation line, it makes it clearer to me--What "normal" drinker would go off by themselves with a bottle? It's that isolation drinking that seems to be where people cross the line. It's no longer a party, or even a cocktail after work to wind down--it's some dark sad place they go to all by themselves with intoxication. It's escapism. there's a distinction--if we use alcohol to escape, it's a problem.
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:41 PM
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I'm sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like a lot of resentment, frustration and irritation coming from everywhere. What do you think is holding you back from getting a divorce? Are you hoping things will get better? Are you afraid of being alone?

I know I lived in a loveless marriage for many years and it is a miserable place to be. He wasn't an alcoholic either, we just grew apart. I wonder if the two of you could use marriage counseling to see if there is any way you could get back to a good place. It didn't really help us (as we got divorced eventually), but it did help me to clearly see what it was I wasn't getting from him and how hopeless it all was...
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Old 11-20-2012, 12:04 AM
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if hes still drinking on the weekends this attirude you are seeingperhapse is resentment because he wants to drink on the weekdays and is trying to inly drink on the weekends to keep his addiction and you. sometimes its the alcoholics way of avoiding its departure much like the denial ir blame they exhibit as well. in some cases yes it may be possible but others no...in some cases if if it was bad enough that there was serious issues that arised from the drinking ie dui etc and it was a battle to get them to this pointthen its fair to think they cant just have a few drinks.
but that my opinion and im sorry your relationship wih you ah is the way it is
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:30 AM
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If my "R"AH is drinking he is drinking alone and not socially and I agree that his isolation is a problem.

He continues to harp on his hurt feelings that I still don't trust him and think he is drinking.

I've decided to just agree with him that yes, based on what I've been through with him I still have times when I think he is drinking and if he says he's not then so be it.

It still doesn't change that he continues to try to control our relationship, discount my thoughts and feelings and not communicate or I should say he communicates that he doesn't want to communicate with me.

That's the way it is, whether it's stinkin thinkin from effects of long term alcohol abuse or his personality or that he is still drinking or whatever it is. I don't like it. I told him that.

If it continues this way, hopefully I will have enough of my own recovery that I will take the steps I need to take to get out of this marriage that is void of any connection, love or respect.

I am happy to be able to say I don't like it and yes it very well may be I do try to make things seem better than they are. I can be peaceful and calm and not accept behavior that is unacceptable to me.

HUGS to everyone on SR, may you all find your peace, joy and comfort amidst the chaos of an insiduous disease that takes hold of those we love and alters all of us when we don't even know it and sometimes when we do and don't know how to stop it. May we find our true selves and be the person we were meant to be and experience all the good in our lives that God has planned for us.

Thank you all for being here, I really needed your kind words, valid points and encouragement.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:56 AM
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease. He may get away with a period of "controlled" drinking but it won't last if he's an alcoholic like me.

I am so sorry for your pain.
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Old 11-20-2012, 11:10 AM
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Dear dancingnow-
I read your posts avidly- your marriage seems to mirror mine, your feelings mirror mine. Thank you for your sharing, for your strength. I love this sentence:
May we find our true selves and be the person we were meant to be and experience all the good in our lives that God has planned for us and will keep it with me.
My best wishes and hugs on your journey
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:33 PM
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From my experience, a true alcoholic cannot try and control their drinking. After a couple months of my AH being sober and going to meetings, he got really pissed off at his sponsor and quit going to meetings as often. The whole thing was so fresh in my mind and I knew nothing about alcoholism. All I knew was how upset I was at the fact that we would never get to go to the wineries together, or enjoy a few beers on the back porch together, or anything like that. So we both agreed that maybe he would just drink a little here and there, and definitley not drink was he was mad about something. Well, that was a horrible idea and his alcoholism only got worse after that.
It is hard to tell someone what does and doesn't work, because so far every alternative has had negative outcomes. Its just a matter of which one is worse and which repercussions you would rather deal with!
Best of luck to you, I know how you feel.
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