lasauterelle

Hello, I have been reading a lot of threads over the past few months and finally struck up the courage to join SR and post something, although now I wish I had reached out earlier. Sorry this is so long, but I am struggling so much today.

I am trying to make sense of a situation that will never make sense, but alas, I think that is the norm here. My AXBF of three years broke up with me a month ago and I'm having a really hard time letting go, even though I knew our eventual demise was bound to happen and it would be the best thing for my emotional, physical, and mental health. I had never been involved with an addict before and didn't realize what this relationship would take from me, how much it would wipe me out. And it really makes me sick to know that through no one's fault but my own, I stayed.

When we first met, I was not attracted to him and I was not looking for a relationship. I had just moved back to the states from living abroad and was getting re-acclimated to life back here. We met at work and became friends, and in time, that turned into what I thought was casual flirtation. He was a great friend, someone I felt close to, and someone that I felt emotionally safe with; however, I never thought I'd fall in love with him. We had maintained a friendship up to this point without crossing the line and one night he told me he was in the early stages of recovery from an opiate addiction. He had joined a Methadone clinic and was afraid if he told me the truth in the beginning, I would have judged him. Of course, I was sad, but nothing changed how I felt about him as my friend. We agreed we could not enter a relationship, as it would be detrimental to his recovery. We continued to spend time together as platonic friends, but over time, we became very close emotionally, and then, physically. We tried to take steps back, but it never worked.

I experienced a lot of the usual push-pull of being with an addict, one week he wanted me, the next, he was telling me he was no good for me. If I had known then what I know now, I would have run for the hills. But I loved him and always felt we would get through it. He was such a gentle person and was always open with me, or so I thought. Little did I know what I was getting into, how enmeshed we would become, how much his issues would overtake my life. He lived at home his whole life (he's 28), and he has a very strange relationship with his mother, as she is very enabling and he can do no wrong in her eyes. She has told me several times that I am to blame for his problems, even though he was an addict long before I met him. I shuddered at the very thought of the word "co-dependent," but the truth is that I had become completely codependent myself; I was driven to near-insanity.

One year ago, he decided to quit the Methadone clinic cold-turkey. I was worried about the detox period, but he got through it and he seemed serious about seeking professional help for his emotional and mental health. We grew even closer during this time. I thought things were looking up. Then the drinking began. It was a little at first and I didn't really think anything of it. I had never even seen him drunk the first two years of our relationship. Within four months, the drinking was out of control. A six-pack in the morning, a bottle of tequila at night. It was embarassing to go anywhere with him; he was unpredictable. The lies were getting worse and worse and he blamed me for everything. If I wasn't so controlling, he wouldn't lie. If I didn't make him feel so guilty, he wouldn't drink. It was my fault that he was depressed. I will admit, some of my codie behavior was shameful, but I felt like I was stuck. I did only what I knew at the time. His mood swings would oscillate wildly and I found that I had completely lost myself to this relationship. He was so different as an alcoholic; violent, angry. He would stomp around my apartment, yelling at me, then the next minute, he would sob and tell me how much he loved me and how much he hated himself. This went on for months. He promised to get help, and would go to one or two AA meetings to temporarily calm the situation, but would hit the bottle hard immediately after.

I quit my job (for separate reasons) and was planning the next phase of my life. I thought about moving out of state for awhile and discussed it with him. I felt ready to make a change and couldn't deny that I wasn't happy anymore, no matter how much I loved (and still love) this man. He said he wanted to work things out with me, I was the most important woman in his life, etc. I agreed to work it out, but needed changes to happen if we were to continue. One week later, he dumped me. Unceremoniously. Just told me it was over, he doesn't love me anymore, I was in the way of his recovery and I was poison in his life. Earlier that morning, he had told me how much he loved me. I was blindsided, devastated. Of course, I have since found out that the only thing I was in the way of was his alcohol.

I have tried NC, but to no avail. I moved out of state, and have started attending Al-Anon, and trying to be positive, but I am struggling. Why is it that I'm only remembering the good times and I miss him like crazy? He did some egregious things to me during our time together and it's like I don't even think about that. His family hates me and my family does not think highly of him, so there's not even a real chance for a future. When we speak or when he texts me, it's usually pretty mean, saying he doesn't love me, he doesn't give a s**t about me anymore...yet he continues to throw a crumb every now and again. This is driving me insane. I miss home so much, I moved to get away from everything and now I feel worse off than when I was with him. I have been having major codie relapses and then I feel guilty and disappointed in myself.

I feel he walked away with my heart and my love and I was left with one thing: a lesson.

Sorry for the long entry

Needed to get that all out. Nothing makes sense to me.

Rosiepetal

So sorry you're struggling.
It is normal to feel as you do.
I recently left my axbf & had no idea of how I was going to feel after he was gone.
I found that reading & learning as much as I could about alcoholism helped, alongside the support of SR.
I am slowly starting to see things differently now.
Keep posting if you need to as it may help.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR! Glad you posted, and I hope you've read the stickies at the top of our home page.

So...nothing makes sense...I can relate to that, as can many here. Its addictions. It doesn't make sense. Its not rational or logical. Its madness. Don't try to make sense of the nonsensical; that's the recipe for your own craziness. Take a deep breath and tell yourself you got caught up in someone else's addiction. You can't control it, you didn't cause it, and now you know you can't cure it.

Do you journal? I found that to be so helpful...reading my entries from months ago, years now. Begging my higher power to give me the strength to walk away. To never look back. It to a while, and a lot of pain and tears, but everyday it gets easier to move forward into the wonderful life I have and leave the madness behind. There is still much I don't understand, but that's OK. I don't need to understand it, I just need to accept it.

Go easy on yourself right now. You are grieving the loss of this relationship, even if you know intellectually it is wise to let it go.

Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T

ZiggyB

Hi,
I am sorry to hear about all of that. I was with my axbf for 3 years as well, the first month after we broke up was bad even though it was mutual and we parted on really unpleasant terms. It has not been easy moving on.

You are focusing on the good times, but why don't you focus on the bad ones? Write a list of all of his negative qualities, things he said that pissed you off and things he did that hurt you.

He is an addict, what they do makes no sense. They are focused on getting their next drink or drug and are not really present in the relationship like we are. And you're right he probably just wants to get drunk now without you. We are not as important to them as a martini is. It's confusing and it hurts but they are doing the only thing they know how to do. Cover up life with some chemical to obliterate reality.

He shouldn't be throwing mean texts or messages your way, if he broke up with you why are you letting him be mean to you now? Just block his phone number and go no contact if that's what it takes for you to get over this.

Anyway you will feel better in time (as soon as you stop talking to him). I'm not going to lie and say it hasn't been incredibly painful but you will get through it.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I'm sure you will find a lot of ES&H (experience, strength and hope) here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lasauterelle

Thank you so much for your words of support...having just moved to another state, it's been really lonely without my friends here.

I have read a lot of the literature from Al-Anon and have read the stickies above (thank the universe for those)

I am finding that I go between feeling sadness, despair, and nostalgia to feeling relieved, optimistic, and excited to get my old self back, as I feel like a shell of my former self. The last two weeks have been mostly feeling sad and consumed by everything, but I have had small moments of joy in there, too. They catch me by surprise and I try to enjoy them and be present, because I know that I'll be sad again. Today just happened to be an extremely bad day; we broke NC. It got ugly. Put me right back at square one. I try to tell myself it's not who he really is, it's his addiction and it has nothing to do with me...but man, he knows me well enough and he goes for the jugular.

I have been journaling since I was 16 and have kept every journal I completed. I went back recently and re-read my entries from the time him and I met and was shocked at the red flags I either refused or was too naive to see back then. I have been trying to do things that I enjoyed doing before I lost myself in this relationship (writing and photography), but honestly, it's hard. I'm not myself...haven't been myself, really.

Thank you to everyone for your support, again. I will keep coming back.

dollydo

Well, all I can suggest is that you go no contact, until you do, nothing will change, once you completely cut the ties that bind you, you will begin to heal.

Titanic

Read other newcomers' threads here too. You will find so much in common, and such good responses. Your story is also one more in the long list of cautionary tales of why alcoholics and addicts should not get involved in "rehab" or early recovery relationships.

Keep going to Al-Anon and writing here too. All the best.

marie1960

Welcome Lasauterelle,

There is clarity in your post. You can see the situation for what it truly is.

Like yourself, the relationship I had with XA developed out of a friendship. The man had a heart of gold, had a warm and inviting personality, always knew just the right thing to say in any circumstance. I viewed his drinking as "social", never thought there to be a problem....... until it started to get out of control, and YET I continued to make excuses, and sweep it under the rug.

I have so much empathy for you. I understand how hurt you are feeling. There is no easy answer. Going no contact is for you. There really is no point in pouring salt on open wounds. It's going to take some time to recover, you are still processing everything that has happened, and it going to hurt for a bit.

Addicts take hostages, they are not relationship material. He is not available to be a committed partner, he has nothing to offer and you have an amazing life to live. Time to make yourself the top priority of your life. It's a series of baby steps, do something nice for YOU today.

Post all you need we are here and understand.

Sueski

Lasauterelle, be kind to yourself as you find yourself again. And you WILL find yourself again. You'll be a wiser and stronger and stronger version of you.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

lovesunandsnow

What a painful way to cut someone out of your life. I really feel your pain, how awful for anyone to live through; my ex-abf did the same thing. Almost sounds like they should be friends. I’m in the mist of struggling to with my codie ways too, I have only thought of the good times too but I think that is because we are good people with a normal sense of wanting positive things in our lives.

It is hard at first, I’m still in the trenches myself, but what I find helpful is posting here and reading and of course no contact. That has been the struggle for me to stop sending emails, and like you I moved to another state. My ex-abf told me I was the cancer in his life that had to be cut out. Ouch, he said that because I didn’t have any more money for his beer that he consumed non-stop. It was embarrassing, I never knew what he was going to say or do when we were in public and sometimes I just walked away like I didn’t know him towards the end. What kind of relationship is that?

The lesson’s they are giving us are hard and if you can weather the storm now of learning and dealing with the pain it will make you stronger and you’ll never have another relationship like this again. When you see a red flag in a man next time your walk away or better yet for me if I see a red flag I’m going to run. There is nothing a new alcoholic can teach me that the last one didn’t.

I wish you the best and try to be kind to yourself during this new phase in your life

ZiggyB

Yeah that happened to me a few weeks ago, we broke no contact and he went straight for a sarcastic, angry insult, I did not take that very well so we are back to not speaking to each other. It really does make the pain that much worse.

I've been getting back into things I used to do too... journaling helps. Creative activities are great, I've been trying to do some painting. I saw lots of red flags too and chose to ignore them, you are not alone in that regard. He could be very charming and adoring when he wanted to be. I was sucked in by promises of love and then raged at and cruelly insulted once I was too much of a mental case to handle his crap anymore. Hang in there, it gets better!

lasauterelle

Love-Mine told me I was poison in his life. Our exes must be getting their moves out of the same playbook.

And to add rust to the blade, his codependent mother echoed these sentiments to me as well. She would rely on me to keep him on the straight and narrow, but when things went haywire (as they were always bound to do), she would shift the blame to me. The day I quit my job was possibly one of the worst days of this year. XABF passed out drunk in the parking lot of a shopping center near my apartment while I was cleaning out my desk at work, so missed the two phone calls from the police. His mom ended up picking him up, then had the audacity to scream at me afterwards, telling me I was poison in his life and part of the problem, that her baby boy was only abusive towards me because I must have pushed him to behave that way. Those were pretty much her words verbatim. :

Sad part is I believed them. I'm learning how to move past the self-blame, some days are easier, some are harder. There's a lot of self-reflection going on, and I don't like everything I see, but man, to tell the person you shared your life with that they're cancer or poison...wtf.

ZiggyB

There is a LOT of blame. Putting all of their problems back on us gets them to feel better about who they are. I've been in psychotherapy trying to get my self-esteem back as I was a HUGE anxious, guilt ridden mess. He blamed me for everything and when there was a problem in his life he would run out and get drunk and somehow that was my fault too because I wasn't being supportive enough. No matter what I did it was the wrong thing. :-(

My therapist said the A. was very good at laying guilt trips on me and I would believe them. I think it's a fairly common thing that they do so try not to take it too personally.

EnglishGarden

Thank you for your post. Sometimes a newcomer appears who somehow manages to describe so well what it is to love an addict or alcoholic, whose story so well conveys the intensity of connection and of pain. And who eloquently describes the mental and emotional anguish for anyone who has been in a love affair with a person consumed by addiction.

My experience is that it takes a long, long time to recover from these kinds of relationship. Some here, myself included, required years to find our ground again. The disconnect between the experience of lovingkindness from the addict one day and his coldhearted indifference the next is overwhelming to the psyche. Only someone who has been in an intense relationship with an addict understands this.

I hope you are able to protect yourself from him for a good long while, as we do find here that contact too soon, re-connecting too soon, can have devastating consequences. I do not like to discourage all hope for anyone who loves an addict--at least, for those whose addict partners are not violent--but I do believe that removing oneself for many many months from someone very sick with addiction and in need of tremendous rehabilitation is the only way for even the slightest chance of reunion and health for both individuals.

I wish you much support as you recover.

Tuffgirl

Mine told me I was "holding him hostage" and being married to me was "torture" and this marriage was keeping him in "bondage".

Some people are just immature a-holes. I think we all learned in kindergarten the appropriate way to speak to other people. Apparently, some missed that day at school.

Titanic

Cancer, poison, hostage-taker ...

I was "impossible." Now if only I could've turned that into a mission or magic show ... instead of trying to save the A and family!