Newbie need some advice, pointers or comments please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vassar
Posts: 1
Newbie need some advice, pointers or comments please
Hi all,
Glad to have found this board! My husband is an alcoholic. He has been for many, many years. The other day he sat me down and said he wanted to go to rehab which was awesome! I am so very proud of him
For some reason, I have been crying every since he left. I feel guilty that I didnt know how much he drank and how many pills he took. Maybe I should have done something?
I feel so terrified that he will come out and be so different that he wont love me anymore, or that I wont know him. Maybe I wont know how to act, do I have to try not to let anyone upset him?
My entire life is falling apart. I feel like for the past 14 years we have been living a lie. He lied to me so many times, sometimes I knew he was lying, sometimes I wanted to believe him because I couldn't stand to argue about alcohol anymore.
This is the very very short version, as Im sure many of you understand. What my question really is....What should I expect? All he used to do is yell at me and if I wasnt home, he would call me constantly and yell at me. I always had to tell him exactly when I was going to be home ect... How am I going to deal with all this?
Help!
Thank you all
Glad to have found this board! My husband is an alcoholic. He has been for many, many years. The other day he sat me down and said he wanted to go to rehab which was awesome! I am so very proud of him
For some reason, I have been crying every since he left. I feel guilty that I didnt know how much he drank and how many pills he took. Maybe I should have done something?I feel so terrified that he will come out and be so different that he wont love me anymore, or that I wont know him. Maybe I wont know how to act, do I have to try not to let anyone upset him?
My entire life is falling apart. I feel like for the past 14 years we have been living a lie. He lied to me so many times, sometimes I knew he was lying, sometimes I wanted to believe him because I couldn't stand to argue about alcohol anymore.
This is the very very short version, as Im sure many of you understand. What my question really is....What should I expect? All he used to do is yell at me and if I wasnt home, he would call me constantly and yell at me. I always had to tell him exactly when I was going to be home ect... How am I going to deal with all this?
Help!
Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR!
Its a hard question to answer, since everyone is different, but in general, early sobriety is bumpy, and you may not see immediate and lasting changes for some time.
It would be great for you to take this time to work on yourself. None of us come through situations like this unscathed. Have you considered Al-Anon meetings? Reading a book or two on alcoholism? Best to educate yourself now, so you will be prepared as best you can for what may come.
Keep reading here, and keep coming back.
~T
Its a hard question to answer, since everyone is different, but in general, early sobriety is bumpy, and you may not see immediate and lasting changes for some time.
It would be great for you to take this time to work on yourself. None of us come through situations like this unscathed. Have you considered Al-Anon meetings? Reading a book or two on alcoholism? Best to educate yourself now, so you will be prepared as best you can for what may come.
Keep reading here, and keep coming back.
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Hi- welcome to SR, even though I am sorry that what brought you here has been your life living with alcoholism.
I agree with everything Tuffgirl wrote- my RAH went to rehab for a month 6 months ago after 27 years drinking. During the time he is away, I would take a rest, read anything you can on alcoholism, and definitely go to AlAnon meetings if you can.(I had this inbuilt idea that AlAnon was for no hopers- now I wish I went 20 years ago)
Take time out for yourself, enjoy things, make yourself feel special.
Please realize that you too are important- this is what I had forgotten, and this is what AlAnon taught me- I am important! What I learnt here was that HIS recovery was his responsibility, not mine- I have enough trouble trying to sort himself out.
God bless, and my thoughts are with you as you start your journey
I agree with everything Tuffgirl wrote- my RAH went to rehab for a month 6 months ago after 27 years drinking. During the time he is away, I would take a rest, read anything you can on alcoholism, and definitely go to AlAnon meetings if you can.(I had this inbuilt idea that AlAnon was for no hopers- now I wish I went 20 years ago)
Take time out for yourself, enjoy things, make yourself feel special.
Please realize that you too are important- this is what I had forgotten, and this is what AlAnon taught me- I am important! What I learnt here was that HIS recovery was his responsibility, not mine- I have enough trouble trying to sort himself out.
God bless, and my thoughts are with you as you start your journey
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Now would be a perfect time for you to start Alanon meetings, read Codependent No More and possiblely start therapy. You have been living in a prison with invisible bars and he held the key to open the door, that is not healthy for you.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this page, and, cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power, you need to get healthy too.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this page, and, cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power, you need to get healthy too.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Think about what alcohol does to a person. It stimulates, initially, and then numbs the person's emotions and restraints. That first drink makes the alcoholic feel better and soon he or she gets relief as certain feelings fade and others are literally unleashed. The alcohol clouds the thinking. Now consider that the alcohol has been doing that for years, day in and day out. The alcoholic is neither physically nor emotionally sober. The alcohol has pickled and stunted the alcoholic's emotional and behavioral brain.
At rehab, detox takes only the spigot of alcohol (and drugs) away. The alcoholics go into physical withdrawal - a miserable and, for many, a medically concerning condition. They are "restless, irritable and discontent" at a minimum. The alcoholics' emotions are no longer artificially stimulated, relieved or numbed. The alcoholics become loose cannons. Think of them now much like you would of an unrestrained, hormonal and emotional teenager.
They have little to no coping skills with all that. Lacking a recovery program or time working one, they are "dry drunks." This is a state that you may only have gotten glimpses of until now. It is a different animal. Be prepared.
What will help you tremendously is to attend all family program events and sessions at rehab, and to start going to Al-Anon meetings right now. There, pick up the Al-Anon booklet Living With Sobriety (and Homeward Bound if available, as it's out of print), the book How Al-Anon Works, and a free Newcomer packet (you may get one at rehab but it won't contain the same things as the standard Al-Anon one). Also, get a hold of the books Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism, and Codependent No More.
All the best to you and your AH.
At rehab, detox takes only the spigot of alcohol (and drugs) away. The alcoholics go into physical withdrawal - a miserable and, for many, a medically concerning condition. They are "restless, irritable and discontent" at a minimum. The alcoholics' emotions are no longer artificially stimulated, relieved or numbed. The alcoholics become loose cannons. Think of them now much like you would of an unrestrained, hormonal and emotional teenager.
They have little to no coping skills with all that. Lacking a recovery program or time working one, they are "dry drunks." This is a state that you may only have gotten glimpses of until now. It is a different animal. Be prepared.
What will help you tremendously is to attend all family program events and sessions at rehab, and to start going to Al-Anon meetings right now. There, pick up the Al-Anon booklet Living With Sobriety (and Homeward Bound if available, as it's out of print), the book How Al-Anon Works, and a free Newcomer packet (you may get one at rehab but it won't contain the same things as the standard Al-Anon one). Also, get a hold of the books Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism, and Codependent No More.
All the best to you and your AH.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Welcome.... read and learn as much as you feel like here. There is much wisdom and support.
I would personally suggest using the time for self care and relaxation. I remember feeling the freedom (albeit also the fears) of silence and peace. I recall a few days into it all - hearing my kids laughing and awhhhhhh what a sound. I stayed up late because I could - I watched whatever I wanted - ate whenever - and stopped looking over my shoulder or second guessing myself for a little while.
See what happens at rehab - stay neutral with communications - look into support for yourself.
I would personally suggest using the time for self care and relaxation. I remember feeling the freedom (albeit also the fears) of silence and peace. I recall a few days into it all - hearing my kids laughing and awhhhhhh what a sound. I stayed up late because I could - I watched whatever I wanted - ate whenever - and stopped looking over my shoulder or second guessing myself for a little while.
See what happens at rehab - stay neutral with communications - look into support for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Quincy, Il
Posts: 7
My husband is 6 months sober, and has been trying for about a year. Not gonna lie, it has been really hard. Things do become different. I was really upset with the fact that we will never be able to go to a nice dinner and enjoy a glass of wine again. And just the little pleasures like that.
I am new to this site also, I am searching for advice and guidance as well. You have all of these crazy feelings and emotions and you are wondering if it is just you or other people feel the same way. So far, from what I have read, I have found that I am not alone, and that makes me feel better. In the beginnig I felt so selfish because I was so mad at him for changing our life so much. I still get very mad at times, mostly because I feel like I constantly have to accomodate him because he has a "problem". i feel like my life revolves around making sure that I don't make him mad, which seems impossible.
I wish you the best of luck, because it sucks and I am still waiting for it to get better
I am new to this site also, I am searching for advice and guidance as well. You have all of these crazy feelings and emotions and you are wondering if it is just you or other people feel the same way. So far, from what I have read, I have found that I am not alone, and that makes me feel better. In the beginnig I felt so selfish because I was so mad at him for changing our life so much. I still get very mad at times, mostly because I feel like I constantly have to accomodate him because he has a "problem". i feel like my life revolves around making sure that I don't make him mad, which seems impossible.
I wish you the best of luck, because it sucks and I am still waiting for it to get better
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Seems you've been given great advice here. Your feelings are typical and the one thing I wish I had was more knowledge during that time. Take care of yourself and learn all you can and keep in mind (unlike me) rehab doesn't fix everything! Silly me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Quincy, Il
Posts: 7
yes, I have been looking into al-anon. There is only one in my area, on Monday nights. That is usually a busy night for us. We have a 3 1/2 month old, and my husband also goes to a meeting on mondays. I am hoping to make it to one soon tho!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
understand he will come home different! research how addicts or achololics feel for a long time after drinking. some people feel like they in a fog for up to a year after sopping drinking. he is going to be very touchy emotional and may have difficulty sleeping. he is not going to came home and say" I am sorry and everything is going to be okay!"
it is going to be a bumpy road. go to al-non and reading everything you can. this will be a big help. SR has helped me, i just wish i would have found his site years ago.
it is going to be a bumpy road. go to al-non and reading everything you can. this will be a big help. SR has helped me, i just wish i would have found his site years ago.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Al-anon and SR helped me change from a weeping, staring at the ceiling, hand wringing, trying to hold it together person to normal, functioning and finding my own happiness and joy in life again. This happened fairly quickly for me, but I was also desperate to stop feeling so bad.
it would really be great while he is away if you could start going so you will be prepared when he gets back.
it would really be great while he is away if you could start going so you will be prepared when he gets back.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Don't hope to go. Find a way to get there. Ask a friend or family member to babysit, even if it requires being outside the Al-Anon room. Or, find a meeting that has babysitting (acronym bs in the schedules & web).
Think of it like putting your oxygen mask on first on a distressed flight. Not the alcoholic's one. Not even the baby's one. Yours. First.
Best wishes.
Think of it like putting your oxygen mask on first on a distressed flight. Not the alcoholic's one. Not even the baby's one. Yours. First.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi and welcome to SR. My husband didn't stay sober until well after we divorced so I can't really speak to that part of your post.
I did want to encourage you to find some support for yourself. He will worry about himself and only you can take care of you. Living with alcoholism creates some very dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the rest of us. Healthy relationships require two healthy people. You can only get one of those two healthy and that one is you.
Al-anon is a great suggestion and personal counseling was also really valuable to me. Yelling at you all the time and the controlling nature of your relationship is abuse. A counselor can help you with processing that.
I did want to encourage you to find some support for yourself. He will worry about himself and only you can take care of you. Living with alcoholism creates some very dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the rest of us. Healthy relationships require two healthy people. You can only get one of those two healthy and that one is you.
Al-anon is a great suggestion and personal counseling was also really valuable to me. Yelling at you all the time and the controlling nature of your relationship is abuse.
A counselor can help you with processing that.
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