My fiance can't cope
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
perhapse you reached out to his parents for support because your fiance was not "coping" just as you have done with other members off aa etc. you cannot bully or control his decisions.
you can change yourself but you cannot change someone else.
he may have come to terms with that truth himself.
i agree with pelican. you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
you may have been struggling with this but this disease is no excuse and yes you worry about deportation sadly this is what addiction does...you worry about it a little too late.
focus on your recocery and if he comes back he comes back
you can change yourself but you cannot change someone else.
he may have come to terms with that truth himself.
i agree with pelican. you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
you may have been struggling with this but this disease is no excuse and yes you worry about deportation sadly this is what addiction does...you worry about it a little too late.
focus on your recocery and if he comes back he comes back
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i do hope you continue to seek recovery and leave him to his. from the othervside of addiction it is hard being with an addict . its painful and full of heartbreak. having you attack him for his stash showed himvthat. give him peace to find his way and make his choice but recover yourself with or without him
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
I saw truth too, yet I think some things could have been stated with a little more empathy in my humble opinion. I have been in OP's shoes and if I wrote that post in the midst of my early recovery, cancelled marriage, possible end of my relationship, and the feelings of being "outcasted" by my in-laws to be, I dont think I would show my face on this forum (or at least this post) any time soon. It is a confusing time!
However, I do also empathize greatly with the fiance and his family...it is a hard situation....and I feel I can understand that point of view a bit more clearly now that time has passed and I am healthier than I am before.
Anyhoo, this obviously feels like a nightmare to you Iseult, and just remember you can overcome this and these horrible feelings of confusion and abondonment will pass. If you want more of my personal experience feel free to message me privately.
Be strong and try to take care of yourself.
However, I do also empathize greatly with the fiance and his family...it is a hard situation....and I feel I can understand that point of view a bit more clearly now that time has passed and I am healthier than I am before.
Anyhoo, this obviously feels like a nightmare to you Iseult, and just remember you can overcome this and these horrible feelings of confusion and abondonment will pass. If you want more of my personal experience feel free to message me privately.
Be strong and try to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
I think your fiance needs space from you to sort out how he really feels or what he wants to do. I read through a couple of your other posts.....sounds like he has been dealing with the drinking for a while though your last incident was the worst. If he has been educating himself on alcoholism statistically he is looking at problems with you more likely than not. Relapse more likely than not, same issues more likely than not.
What is lost when dealing with alcoholism (among many things)is trust. The same with his family - look what they have done for you- I know you were sick with the disease but it doesn't take away that several people trusted you and now they do not.
As to your metaphor of illness my AH is an insulin dependent diabetic. He never misses taking his insulin or checking his blood sugar but he will swill some vodka even though he is a diagnosed alcoholic. You see diabetes is a disease of the pancreas and alcoholism is a disease that effects the body but is an obsession of the mind - an addiction which can be physical as you have experienced.
My two cents - keep working your program and congrats on that. Respect that he wants to split. Sounds like the family is willing to help you - you said your visa will last a bit longer. Stay - give him space let him sort it out. Your sobriety is the most important thing. I hope you stick with it!
I think your fiance needs space from you to sort out how he really feels or what he wants to do. I read through a couple of your other posts.....sounds like he has been dealing with the drinking for a while though your last incident was the worst. If he has been educating himself on alcoholism statistically he is looking at problems with you more likely than not. Relapse more likely than not, same issues more likely than not.
What is lost when dealing with alcoholism (among many things)is trust. The same with his family - look what they have done for you- I know you were sick with the disease but it doesn't take away that several people trusted you and now they do not.
As to your metaphor of illness my AH is an insulin dependent diabetic. He never misses taking his insulin or checking his blood sugar but he will swill some vodka even though he is a diagnosed alcoholic. You see diabetes is a disease of the pancreas and alcoholism is a disease that effects the body but is an obsession of the mind - an addiction which can be physical as you have experienced.
My two cents - keep working your program and congrats on that. Respect that he wants to split. Sounds like the family is willing to help you - you said your visa will last a bit longer. Stay - give him space let him sort it out. Your sobriety is the most important thing. I hope you stick with it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Thank you for your post! I am glad your working on your own recovery! I don't have much input really because what you have described is much like I felt when trying to get my XABF to stop drinking...what could he read or do..the truth is nothing! He has to want to work on the relationship just as you have to want to quit drinking. I know you are hurting and i am sorry for your pain. You aren't going to like what I have to say and please understand that I do not intend this to be disrespectful/hurtful to you. I wish I had been more like him! He sounds like a level headed smart man! He knows that he does not want to live fighting the battle, its painful and hurtful and hard! He likely at this moment doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel or it's unknown. For me actions speak louder than words and time! I don't know your background but most of my time spent w XABF was when he was active only sobered up bc he had too. Over and over again! Right now he's sober...verdicts still out as to how long! You know no matter how painful this is....work on your own recovery because something good will come from that alone! It may work out down the road or it may not but one thing for sure....if you really work on your recovery and stick with it then your life will be so much better! Take care of youreslf and wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome Iseult,
I am late to the thread but clearly we are tough crowd here at f&f but we are all learning that what the world needs more of is truth as we all tend to want to view things through a mirror that reflects back what WE (ego) wants to believe to be true.
If you come here and ask put on the thick skin and get ready...our shares are raw and honest as we know how to be. It hurts...but it hurts in a good way... like pulling scabs off and then pouring alcohol on the wound. It stings but it kills some germs and stinkin' thinkin'!
At least that is how I try to look at it when I get a beat down on the board! Lol... it is all in love... and we do care about you and your XF.
On this forum each of us have lived through very similar situations as you are going through now and in my case I was a bit psycho about the "alcohol stash" because it was my house my rules and it was a no alcohol boundary. If my XA hid booze or drugs and I found them I would rage and slam the beer bottles full of beer onto the garage floor to break them (because time was of the essence as XA would be wailing and freaking out).
My XA was a bodybuilder who outweighed me by 50 lbs and I am 5'10" but he knew better than put his hands on me or the booze because I would be dangerous at this time... really.
My behavior was unacceptable. period. It came from a childhood with a sociopathic alcoholic parent who was violent and dangerous. I suffer from PTSD from that childhood and abuse. I seek alcoholics to love but part of me wants to kill them if they drink.
I share this with you because alcoholism is very damaging to those who love alcoholics. Getting married and having future children with an alcoholic who up until now has been qn untreated alcoholic while he is refusing to consider counseling, alanon or any other source to help him work through his own issues is a serious problem.
It is a red flag... for you and for him. It is a red flag for a future relationship with him. It is a red flag for possible futuren children who will suffer if their parents are not healthy and whole and free of an alcoholic home. For your own sake...for you... it is important that you surround yourself with people that fully understand (or are in process) of learning about addiction and codependency.
Relationships are hard... even under the best of circumstances most fail. If this was meant to be you must trust in your HP (I hope you are working the steps!) then IT WILL BE!
Time tells all and more will be revealed. Keep working your recovery! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!! The person you are looking for is you. Really. The woman that your HP created you to be. Your best you.
Your best you is who your now XF saw and fell in love with. The planet is a small place and your HP can put you with the person you are supposed to be with. Maybe it is him ... maybe not. However, if he is untreated codie and you are untreated A it just won't work.
Just won't. It screams dysfunction. So... the serenity prayer and faith is where you need to go here. Let go.... let him go. Work...work...work... your recovery! Become the beautiful and healthy you that can enjoy peace, serenity and an unselfish love unspoiled by addiction.
And who knows!!!! Who knows! Be excited for a beautiful future yet to be revealed that unfolds as we walk out what our HP wants for us and NOT what our ego screams and yells for!
And pray for you XF... for his own peace. That he finds recovery and a support network. Send him a copy of Codependent No More through Amazon. And trust God.
HOpe that helps!
I am late to the thread but clearly we are tough crowd here at f&f but we are all learning that what the world needs more of is truth as we all tend to want to view things through a mirror that reflects back what WE (ego) wants to believe to be true.
If you come here and ask put on the thick skin and get ready...our shares are raw and honest as we know how to be. It hurts...but it hurts in a good way... like pulling scabs off and then pouring alcohol on the wound. It stings but it kills some germs and stinkin' thinkin'!
At least that is how I try to look at it when I get a beat down on the board! Lol... it is all in love... and we do care about you and your XF.
On this forum each of us have lived through very similar situations as you are going through now and in my case I was a bit psycho about the "alcohol stash" because it was my house my rules and it was a no alcohol boundary. If my XA hid booze or drugs and I found them I would rage and slam the beer bottles full of beer onto the garage floor to break them (because time was of the essence as XA would be wailing and freaking out).
My XA was a bodybuilder who outweighed me by 50 lbs and I am 5'10" but he knew better than put his hands on me or the booze because I would be dangerous at this time... really.
My behavior was unacceptable. period. It came from a childhood with a sociopathic alcoholic parent who was violent and dangerous. I suffer from PTSD from that childhood and abuse. I seek alcoholics to love but part of me wants to kill them if they drink.
I share this with you because alcoholism is very damaging to those who love alcoholics. Getting married and having future children with an alcoholic who up until now has been qn untreated alcoholic while he is refusing to consider counseling, alanon or any other source to help him work through his own issues is a serious problem.
It is a red flag... for you and for him. It is a red flag for a future relationship with him. It is a red flag for possible futuren children who will suffer if their parents are not healthy and whole and free of an alcoholic home. For your own sake...for you... it is important that you surround yourself with people that fully understand (or are in process) of learning about addiction and codependency.
Relationships are hard... even under the best of circumstances most fail. If this was meant to be you must trust in your HP (I hope you are working the steps!) then IT WILL BE!
Time tells all and more will be revealed. Keep working your recovery! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!! The person you are looking for is you. Really. The woman that your HP created you to be. Your best you.
Your best you is who your now XF saw and fell in love with. The planet is a small place and your HP can put you with the person you are supposed to be with. Maybe it is him ... maybe not. However, if he is untreated codie and you are untreated A it just won't work.
Just won't. It screams dysfunction. So... the serenity prayer and faith is where you need to go here. Let go.... let him go. Work...work...work... your recovery! Become the beautiful and healthy you that can enjoy peace, serenity and an unselfish love unspoiled by addiction.
And who knows!!!! Who knows! Be excited for a beautiful future yet to be revealed that unfolds as we walk out what our HP wants for us and NOT what our ego screams and yells for!
And pray for you XF... for his own peace. That he finds recovery and a support network. Send him a copy of Codependent No More through Amazon. And trust God.
HOpe that helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by eveleivibe 
I think some of you are being extremely HARSH here. She has come here for advice not to be judged. She is in early RECOVERY have a bit of respect shes vulnerable too. Not being mean here- just suggesting people be a bit more tactful n think of other people's feelings.
So what if she's a bit conflicting between forums. Aint we all at times. We are human.
How qould any of you like being told your partner is making an intelligent decision to leave you? A bit hurtful. Ise, I'd advise you to stay out of the f n f until you're stronger in your recovery in. My opinion.
So what if she's a bit conflicting between forums. Aint we all at times. We are human.
How qould any of you like being told your partner is making an intelligent decision to leave you? A bit hurtful. Ise, I'd advise you to stay out of the f n f until you're stronger in your recovery in. My opinion.
At the bottom of the post, there is a red triangle off to the left hand side with a black line in it. If you click on that, a dialog box comes up where you can make a complaint there and it automatically goes to the moderators of the forum.
I always get a response from a moderator when I do that. Sometimes it takes awhile for one to get back with me, but they have a life outside of SR like the rest of us, have jobs, and can't be present 24/7. Try it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. I'm a recovering alcoholic (21 years) and went through something similar in early recovery. I had to let a very screwed up relationship go, to accept it was over. That I am powerless over people,places and things.
I hope you jump into recovery; it's a life or death thing. Get a sponsor and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. When I first got sober someone said "let us love you until you can love yourself". The fellowship of AA saved my life. Now is the time to let all of the stuff from the past go and start over. You can't imagine the life that's possible in sobriety. It takes time, it takes willingness and honesty. Just don't drink TODAY. Let go of BF TODAY. Say the serenity prayer: "God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
What I promise you is it gets much, much better.
I hope you jump into recovery; it's a life or death thing. Get a sponsor and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. When I first got sober someone said "let us love you until you can love yourself". The fellowship of AA saved my life. Now is the time to let all of the stuff from the past go and start over. You can't imagine the life that's possible in sobriety. It takes time, it takes willingness and honesty. Just don't drink TODAY. Let go of BF TODAY. Say the serenity prayer: "God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
What I promise you is it gets much, much better.
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