New here, friend of Alcoholic, need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 47
New here, friend of Alcoholic, need advice
Hi,
I am new to this forum, but not new to the effects of alcoholism on a family/friends. I have family members on both sides of my family that struggle with addiction...several uncles, my grandfather, and my father. Some of them were able to overcome their addictions, some were not.
The reason I am here today is that a friend of mine was recently hospitalized after going on a drinking binge and taking too much of his depression medication. He was in the hospital for almost a week, and then he admitted himself into a "dual diagnosis" facility - an inpatient psychiatric wing of another hospital. He was there for about a week while he tried to find another program to get into. He is now living in a sober house. Tonight is his first night. He starts a two week outpatient program on Monday, from 9 am to 1pm. His job is being supportive...thank goodness.
This is the issue: For reasons I'm not going to get into (too long to explain) he owes several people several hundred dollars. This $ should've been in his account to pay them, but it's gone.
He doesn't get paid again until next Friday - which will go to cover his bounced checks (another issue) and his payment to the sober house. He's got other immediate bills that need to be taken care of. Once that's straightened out he can start repaying the people he owes money.
I don't want to enable him and I don't want to do anything to screw up his recovery. I told him I am not judging, but asked if he owed $ to anyone who might want to hurt him (bookie / drug dealer ?) - he said no. I believe him. He has said he plans on paying people back. I hope so.
Do you have any advice for me for helping my friend? I don't want to do too much and I don't want to do too little. He has very little $ now, but I am not in a financial position to cover his debts and even if I did, I don't think it would be helpful. At this time I am offering my support, my help, and I bought him a bus/subway pass so he can get around the rest of this month and December....he does plan on going back to work once he gets out of the 2 week program. I am hesitant to give him money. Of course I will make sure he has food, etc!
Any advice is welcome. THANK YOU.
I am new to this forum, but not new to the effects of alcoholism on a family/friends. I have family members on both sides of my family that struggle with addiction...several uncles, my grandfather, and my father. Some of them were able to overcome their addictions, some were not.
The reason I am here today is that a friend of mine was recently hospitalized after going on a drinking binge and taking too much of his depression medication. He was in the hospital for almost a week, and then he admitted himself into a "dual diagnosis" facility - an inpatient psychiatric wing of another hospital. He was there for about a week while he tried to find another program to get into. He is now living in a sober house. Tonight is his first night. He starts a two week outpatient program on Monday, from 9 am to 1pm. His job is being supportive...thank goodness.
This is the issue: For reasons I'm not going to get into (too long to explain) he owes several people several hundred dollars. This $ should've been in his account to pay them, but it's gone.
He doesn't get paid again until next Friday - which will go to cover his bounced checks (another issue) and his payment to the sober house. He's got other immediate bills that need to be taken care of. Once that's straightened out he can start repaying the people he owes money.
I don't want to enable him and I don't want to do anything to screw up his recovery. I told him I am not judging, but asked if he owed $ to anyone who might want to hurt him (bookie / drug dealer ?) - he said no. I believe him. He has said he plans on paying people back. I hope so.
Do you have any advice for me for helping my friend? I don't want to do too much and I don't want to do too little. He has very little $ now, but I am not in a financial position to cover his debts and even if I did, I don't think it would be helpful. At this time I am offering my support, my help, and I bought him a bus/subway pass so he can get around the rest of this month and December....he does plan on going back to work once he gets out of the 2 week program. I am hesitant to give him money. Of course I will make sure he has food, etc!
Any advice is welcome. THANK YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
try just being there for him. let him feel some of the ramafication of his drinking. the bills will wait but his medical and recovery is what is neccesary for him to have the skills to cope with life. i know it is hard not to help out with the bills but he did this to himself. all his promises are most likely heart felt at the time but the call of the bottle has a way of letting promise go to the way side. go to alanon so you can have the skills and tools for you to cope. my heart goes out to friends and his family
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family !
I agree that paying his debts would be enabling his addiction. This is one of the consequences of his addiction. He will have to face these consequences if he is to learn the lessons.
A good way to determine a healthy boundary that keeps me from enabling is to ask myself : is this something he can do for himself?
I think your gift of bus passes was generous.
Give him the dignity of figuring out the rest.
I agree that paying his debts would be enabling his addiction. This is one of the consequences of his addiction. He will have to face these consequences if he is to learn the lessons.
A good way to determine a healthy boundary that keeps me from enabling is to ask myself : is this something he can do for himself?
I think your gift of bus passes was generous.
Give him the dignity of figuring out the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Give him the dignity of figuring out the rest.
I never offered anything directly to my friend, just let her know I would be there for her. She did invite me to a garage sale she was having over the summer, and I did buy some things and I admit...paid more for them because it was for her then I would have for a stranger. ; )
Your friend needs to learn to fix his mess-ups. Don't' take away that learning opportunity out of the need to "help".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 47
Thank you everyone for the responses. VickiACA - he asked for my help, but he has never asked for money.
This weekend I gave him a ride so he could go back to his apartment, get some clothes, find his wallet/keys/phone and we dropped off his prescriptions at the pharmacy. I did pay for those, but he paid me back when we got to his apartment.
Tomorrow is his first day in the two week program at the hospital.
PELICAN - I like your way of thinking...."is this something he could do for himself". We talked about his debts again today - he brought it up....he asked for help with budgeting and once he is ready we will take a serious look at his finances. He seems to be doing ok at the sober house. I will try to help him with the budgeting, because clearly that is something he hasn't been able to do.
THANK YOU AGAIN TO EVERYONE for your input. I appreciate it.
This weekend I gave him a ride so he could go back to his apartment, get some clothes, find his wallet/keys/phone and we dropped off his prescriptions at the pharmacy. I did pay for those, but he paid me back when we got to his apartment.
Tomorrow is his first day in the two week program at the hospital.
PELICAN - I like your way of thinking...."is this something he could do for himself". We talked about his debts again today - he brought it up....he asked for help with budgeting and once he is ready we will take a serious look at his finances. He seems to be doing ok at the sober house. I will try to help him with the budgeting, because clearly that is something he hasn't been able to do.
THANK YOU AGAIN TO EVERYONE for your input. I appreciate it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Good to hear. I hope you will make sure to put yourself and your needs and responsibilities FIRST. Always. And also to think about looking into Al-Anon, trying a few meetings out. Alcoholism is a very strong disease that can make us , the F&F of alcoholics, crazy. At least 4 people are affected by each alcoholic's disease.
One thing I want to point out about my experience with alcoholics and addicts asking me for my help with budgeting. Usually what this has meant was I say yes, and then they transfer THEIR responsibilities onto me. Just be aware of this and do not take on anything a grown adult should be handling. It's one thing to show him how to use a spreadsheet and print off some materials for him because he doesn't have access to a computer. It is something entirely different to DO the budgeting FOR him. Let him ASK for what help he needs specifically, don't just jump in and take it over, and don't let him push it onto you. Recovery or no, he is a grown man, and grown men are perfectly capable of figuring out their finances on their own, no matter how clueless they may come across.
Be strong, take care of YOU.
One thing I want to point out about my experience with alcoholics and addicts asking me for my help with budgeting. Usually what this has meant was I say yes, and then they transfer THEIR responsibilities onto me. Just be aware of this and do not take on anything a grown adult should be handling. It's one thing to show him how to use a spreadsheet and print off some materials for him because he doesn't have access to a computer. It is something entirely different to DO the budgeting FOR him. Let him ASK for what help he needs specifically, don't just jump in and take it over, and don't let him push it onto you. Recovery or no, he is a grown man, and grown men are perfectly capable of figuring out their finances on their own, no matter how clueless they may come across.
Be strong, take care of YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 47
Learn2Live - good advice and thank you! Babying him isn't going to get him where he needs to be. I'm going to remember " is this something he could/should be able to do for himself" rule. I don't mind helping, but the reality is he is a grown man and should be able to do this stuff on his own!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Patsfan you are a very good friend.
Before alcoholism took me over, I was good at a lot of things and had a very well
paying important job.
After I found recovery, the folks that I became close to (the old timers of AA) literally
had to teach me everything. They had to teach me how to balance my checkbook,
how to clean my apartment, how to make a budget and stick to it. Literally TEACH
me things I had known, BEFORE, the alcoholism took me to places I would rather
not go into.
I think the Bus Pass was a great thing to do for him. As far as food, he can start
checking out the various 'food banks' and going on the appropriate days to get some
items for his consumption.
The only other thing I might do if I was you, is get him some Burger King, McDonalds,
Wendy's, Arby's etc gift cards for Xmas so that he can get his lunches or breakfasts
before work.
I am grateful that you see the futility in 'lending' him money, and it at least 'sounds'
good that he seems to be on the right track. Only his actions over time will tell.
Love and hugs,
Before alcoholism took me over, I was good at a lot of things and had a very well
paying important job.
After I found recovery, the folks that I became close to (the old timers of AA) literally
had to teach me everything. They had to teach me how to balance my checkbook,
how to clean my apartment, how to make a budget and stick to it. Literally TEACH
me things I had known, BEFORE, the alcoholism took me to places I would rather
not go into.
I think the Bus Pass was a great thing to do for him. As far as food, he can start
checking out the various 'food banks' and going on the appropriate days to get some
items for his consumption.
The only other thing I might do if I was you, is get him some Burger King, McDonalds,
Wendy's, Arby's etc gift cards for Xmas so that he can get his lunches or breakfasts
before work.
I am grateful that you see the futility in 'lending' him money, and it at least 'sounds'
good that he seems to be on the right track. Only his actions over time will tell.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 139
I like that you're helping him budget...it's like the idea of teaching a person to fish instead of giving them food, and giving him a lift here and there is very nice. But I agree with everyone else that he needs to deal with his financial problems on his own. I guess it's all part of recovery and the learning process to make sure he knows all the ramifications of what his addiction has done to him. It makes a greater impact. You're a good friend. 
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