I'm an alcoholic and a codependent mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Prescott
Posts: 8
I'm an alcoholic and a codependent mother.
Hello. Today is my first day here. I'm in search of help. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm so close to the situation that I can't see anything clearly.
I'm an alcoholic, sober 11 months. My son 21 is also an alcoholic and I'm devastated! I didn't totally realize he had a problem when I was drinking but now it's so obvious. Drugs and alcohol have destroyed so much of my family. My son's dad died of a drug overdose when my son was 10. My son was in the next room and was taken out of the house by his grandparents then they told him what had happened. My son never dealt with that death, and when he drinks he cries about it and gets angry that he lost his father. When he's sober, he doesn't want to talk about it.
My son lives with me and I've had to ask him to find another place to live. I can't deal with him coming home drunk. He's not the worst drunk I've ever seen but he's further than I was at his age and I know he'll just get worse.
I know that there is nothing I can say that will make him quit but I still try to tell him how this will ruin his life and how his talent is just being wasted. I'm dying inside! I can't sleep, I'm full of anger-at God, at my son and especially myself. I can't stop blaming myself for all of this! I've made so many mistakes and I can't take them back. I'm devastated! I've never been so scared in my entire life and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. I don't want to lose him to this. I know when he moves out he'll just drink more, waste his money and will go no where but down. That's why I've let him stay here for this long. But I'm losing my mind! I haven't slept in days.
I'm an alcoholic, sober 11 months. My son 21 is also an alcoholic and I'm devastated! I didn't totally realize he had a problem when I was drinking but now it's so obvious. Drugs and alcohol have destroyed so much of my family. My son's dad died of a drug overdose when my son was 10. My son was in the next room and was taken out of the house by his grandparents then they told him what had happened. My son never dealt with that death, and when he drinks he cries about it and gets angry that he lost his father. When he's sober, he doesn't want to talk about it.
My son lives with me and I've had to ask him to find another place to live. I can't deal with him coming home drunk. He's not the worst drunk I've ever seen but he's further than I was at his age and I know he'll just get worse.
I know that there is nothing I can say that will make him quit but I still try to tell him how this will ruin his life and how his talent is just being wasted. I'm dying inside! I can't sleep, I'm full of anger-at God, at my son and especially myself. I can't stop blaming myself for all of this! I've made so many mistakes and I can't take them back. I'm devastated! I've never been so scared in my entire life and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. I don't want to lose him to this. I know when he moves out he'll just drink more, waste his money and will go no where but down. That's why I've let him stay here for this long. But I'm losing my mind! I haven't slept in days.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
first Tee - congrats to you & your HP on 11 months sober ~
second - so glad you are reaching out for help!
You know how devasting this disease can be
as parents we have to look at the 3 c's
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
can't cure it ~
although alcoholism can be inheirted, we can contribute to the insanity of the household, and we can enable our addicted loved ones ~ the alcoholic is ultimately the person who makes the choice to stay in the disease or seek recovery ~ as an alcoholic, I'm sure you could so - NO one made you drink . . . I have heard many recovering A's share ~ it didn't matter what it was - anything was an excuse to feed the disease ~
For me, I used Al-Anon & SR to help me deal with my addict adult children to know what was a healthy way to detach and allow them the dignity & self-respect to find their own way ~
to love them from afar, yet not enable ~
It's not easy but it was the most loving respectful way for both of us ~
keep taking care of you ~
pink hugs,
second - so glad you are reaching out for help!
You know how devasting this disease can be
as parents we have to look at the 3 c's
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
can't cure it ~
although alcoholism can be inheirted, we can contribute to the insanity of the household, and we can enable our addicted loved ones ~ the alcoholic is ultimately the person who makes the choice to stay in the disease or seek recovery ~ as an alcoholic, I'm sure you could so - NO one made you drink . . . I have heard many recovering A's share ~ it didn't matter what it was - anything was an excuse to feed the disease ~
For me, I used Al-Anon & SR to help me deal with my addict adult children to know what was a healthy way to detach and allow them the dignity & self-respect to find their own way ~
to love them from afar, yet not enable ~
It's not easy but it was the most loving respectful way for both of us ~
keep taking care of you ~
pink hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Prescott
Posts: 8
Thanks so much Pink. At this point, I have no clue how to detach. When he moves I hope it will be easier. I know I need to start going to Al-anon, that will help me a lot.
Since I'm now here, I don't understand all of the initials, what is HP.
Since I'm now here, I don't understand all of the initials, what is HP.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Please be patient. People here have busy lives, I sure do.
Just like nobody could stop you from drinking in the past, nobody can stop your son but himself.
You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
He made his own choice to drink. Although you did contribute to that type of thinking by example, he also could have gone the other direction and chose to never drink, or never get drunk. My daughter made this decision--after witnessing her stepfather drunk most days. She chose to drink lightly, never to enubriation.
My point is simply that this is your son's choice. You can tell him that you love him, that the alcoholic road always leads to disaster and heartache, and that you would hope that he would choose not to go down it, and choose another path.
After you have said that, it is up to him.
Not enabling him--asking him to move out--was probably the best thing you could have done. If he has to make it to work everyday in order to have a warm place to sleep at night, then he will quickly realize that he will run out of alternatives to responsibility.
Freedom of choice. Relieve yourself of this burden that you can somehow change his freedom of choice. It is his choice alone, just as it is yours to stay sober these days.
Kick him out and watch from a distance what he does. It may hurt to hear what difficulties come his way, but tough love is the only way to create a responsible adult.
Just like nobody could stop you from drinking in the past, nobody can stop your son but himself.
You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
He made his own choice to drink. Although you did contribute to that type of thinking by example, he also could have gone the other direction and chose to never drink, or never get drunk. My daughter made this decision--after witnessing her stepfather drunk most days. She chose to drink lightly, never to enubriation.
My point is simply that this is your son's choice. You can tell him that you love him, that the alcoholic road always leads to disaster and heartache, and that you would hope that he would choose not to go down it, and choose another path.
After you have said that, it is up to him.
Not enabling him--asking him to move out--was probably the best thing you could have done. If he has to make it to work everyday in order to have a warm place to sleep at night, then he will quickly realize that he will run out of alternatives to responsibility.
Freedom of choice. Relieve yourself of this burden that you can somehow change his freedom of choice. It is his choice alone, just as it is yours to stay sober these days.
Kick him out and watch from a distance what he does. It may hurt to hear what difficulties come his way, but tough love is the only way to create a responsible adult.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
TeeB,
Welcome to SR. We are glad you reached out.
You are being much too hard on yourself. Sometimes just the scientific facts of addiction can help us get some ground underneath us. So, the scientific fact is that--according to some foremost addictionologists--addiction is the result of a gene which passes through the family ancestry. Sometimes it seems to skip a generation. But it will appear again in the next. And at other times, as in the case of your family, it is relentless in its effects from one generation to the next. Dr. Drew Pinsky has said that without the gene, a person does not cross over into addiction.
It is also said by many addiction experts that many young people become addicted because they reached for drugs and alcohol to self-medicate their feelings, which they felt were overwhelming them. Your son suffered the sudden death of a parent at a tender age. He perhaps buried the trauma deep inside, but as always, such buried pain does not go away. He may have suffered depression without anyone realizing it. That is very common, and no parent can be held responsible for not being able to see inside a child's mind and heart. Children put on very good faces. And I say this also because my son was depressed as a young adolescent--severely--and I did not know he was ill. It is so difficult to tell when they are growing and are very complicated as a result of the tremendously challenging passage through adolescence.
Your son was genetically vulnerable. He had some buried pain. He was a teenager who did what most teenagers do: experimented with mind-altering substances. And he found relief. So he continued. And then, at some point, the door in his mind shut and locked behind him, and he was an addict. And every single part of that story was beyond your power to control.
In Al-Anon literature, it is often repeated that the chances for an addict to seek recovery are greatly increased if the family first begins recovery for themselves. And you, with 11 months sober working a program, you are out of the gate in that regard. If you want to influence the direction of your son's life, pay attention to the direction of yours. Live and breathe a program of sobriety and spiritual recovery. With 11 months, your head is clearing now, and you could work on your codependency recovery alongside your addiction recovery. You could have sponsors from both programs who will sit with you and help you work the Twelve Steps on paper, keeping you in touch with your Higher Power and again and again guiding you into an acceptance of life on life's terms, not on yours.
Your son has his own journey, and we here learn to accept that we cannot direct anyone's life, we cannot coerce them to change or to grow, we cannot coerce them to be honest or to be sober. It is not our place.
I go to Al-Anon, and there are recovering alcoholics in my group who have addicted children and these parents attend Al-Anon week after week because they know--they KNOW--that they are no match for addiction and that they have a LOT to learn.
You know recovery is possible for your son. Do not give up that hope.
There are some good DVD series on addiction which might encourage you. One is the HBO series titled simply "Addiction." The other is the PBS/Bill Moyers series titled "Close to Home." They are probably available through Netflix or your local library.
And the book "How Al-Anon Works" can be picked up at meetings and is rich with information.
As is quoted in the Al-Anon welcome: "There is no situation too hopeless to be bettered, and no pain too great to be lessened." You will, I hope, find comfort and support there where you are. And feel free to post here for support anytime.
Welcome to SR. We are glad you reached out.
You are being much too hard on yourself. Sometimes just the scientific facts of addiction can help us get some ground underneath us. So, the scientific fact is that--according to some foremost addictionologists--addiction is the result of a gene which passes through the family ancestry. Sometimes it seems to skip a generation. But it will appear again in the next. And at other times, as in the case of your family, it is relentless in its effects from one generation to the next. Dr. Drew Pinsky has said that without the gene, a person does not cross over into addiction.
It is also said by many addiction experts that many young people become addicted because they reached for drugs and alcohol to self-medicate their feelings, which they felt were overwhelming them. Your son suffered the sudden death of a parent at a tender age. He perhaps buried the trauma deep inside, but as always, such buried pain does not go away. He may have suffered depression without anyone realizing it. That is very common, and no parent can be held responsible for not being able to see inside a child's mind and heart. Children put on very good faces. And I say this also because my son was depressed as a young adolescent--severely--and I did not know he was ill. It is so difficult to tell when they are growing and are very complicated as a result of the tremendously challenging passage through adolescence.
Your son was genetically vulnerable. He had some buried pain. He was a teenager who did what most teenagers do: experimented with mind-altering substances. And he found relief. So he continued. And then, at some point, the door in his mind shut and locked behind him, and he was an addict. And every single part of that story was beyond your power to control.
In Al-Anon literature, it is often repeated that the chances for an addict to seek recovery are greatly increased if the family first begins recovery for themselves. And you, with 11 months sober working a program, you are out of the gate in that regard. If you want to influence the direction of your son's life, pay attention to the direction of yours. Live and breathe a program of sobriety and spiritual recovery. With 11 months, your head is clearing now, and you could work on your codependency recovery alongside your addiction recovery. You could have sponsors from both programs who will sit with you and help you work the Twelve Steps on paper, keeping you in touch with your Higher Power and again and again guiding you into an acceptance of life on life's terms, not on yours.
Your son has his own journey, and we here learn to accept that we cannot direct anyone's life, we cannot coerce them to change or to grow, we cannot coerce them to be honest or to be sober. It is not our place.
I go to Al-Anon, and there are recovering alcoholics in my group who have addicted children and these parents attend Al-Anon week after week because they know--they KNOW--that they are no match for addiction and that they have a LOT to learn.
You know recovery is possible for your son. Do not give up that hope.
There are some good DVD series on addiction which might encourage you. One is the HBO series titled simply "Addiction." The other is the PBS/Bill Moyers series titled "Close to Home." They are probably available through Netflix or your local library.
And the book "How Al-Anon Works" can be picked up at meetings and is rich with information.
As is quoted in the Al-Anon welcome: "There is no situation too hopeless to be bettered, and no pain too great to be lessened." You will, I hope, find comfort and support there where you are. And feel free to post here for support anytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Prescott
Posts: 8
Thanks so much. These are a lot of difficult truths that I'm just starting to come to terms with. It's so much harder to be the parent of an alcoholic than being an alcoholic.
I will be starting Al-anon and start my a path of not enabling my son anymore.
My son knows he's an alcoholic and he doesn't want that for his life. I will continue to pray and do the work I need to do and I will encourage him to do the same.
I'm happy that I've found this site. It makes me sad to see so many people struggling but I know I'm not alone in this.
I will be starting Al-anon and start my a path of not enabling my son anymore.
My son knows he's an alcoholic and he doesn't want that for his life. I will continue to pray and do the work I need to do and I will encourage him to do the same.
I'm happy that I've found this site. It makes me sad to see so many people struggling but I know I'm not alone in this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, TeeB. I think that your example of sobriety is the BEST thing you can offer your son right now! What a gift...watching his Mother change her life and seeing that it is possible for him to do the same.
I think you will eventually inspire him - it sounds as of he already knows its a problem - so all I have to suggest is keep on with your own successes and let him know that when he is ready, he can follow your footsteps (and all those before you) and be successful as well.
Keep reading, and keep coming back! And keep in mind - its coming up on a holiday week so people may be not be as active here.
~T
I think you will eventually inspire him - it sounds as of he already knows its a problem - so all I have to suggest is keep on with your own successes and let him know that when he is ready, he can follow your footsteps (and all those before you) and be successful as well.
Keep reading, and keep coming back! And keep in mind - its coming up on a holiday week so people may be not be as active here.
~T
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