I'm really over men now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I'm really over men now
OK so here I am healing from coming out of an alcoholic relationship where I had enough of the drinking, left & he went straight into arms of ex.
Then today I have a phone call to state that ex husband owes a high amount of school fees for our children, we pay half each. Harsh action will be taken against him. I now have to make a decision of whether to end his current debt & take the account on myself for future payments just to do the right thing. I had taken over this account in the past as he wasn't paying only to have him get mad at me & tell me to change it back to him. I wisely got a signed letter to say he would take full responsibility. I do not have to take it on but feel it would be proper for me to contribute as of next year.
The father of my children also cashed in their secondary education fund some time ago, we split it in half, he used his to get himself out of debt, I put mine in an account & used it for uniforms & needs for the children.
I am trying to get through the alcoholic relationship but then my husband comes back to haunt me too.
I know I am a good Mum.
I am off men bigtime now.
Then today I have a phone call to state that ex husband owes a high amount of school fees for our children, we pay half each. Harsh action will be taken against him. I now have to make a decision of whether to end his current debt & take the account on myself for future payments just to do the right thing. I had taken over this account in the past as he wasn't paying only to have him get mad at me & tell me to change it back to him. I wisely got a signed letter to say he would take full responsibility. I do not have to take it on but feel it would be proper for me to contribute as of next year.
The father of my children also cashed in their secondary education fund some time ago, we split it in half, he used his to get himself out of debt, I put mine in an account & used it for uniforms & needs for the children.
I am trying to get through the alcoholic relationship but then my husband comes back to haunt me too.
I know I am a good Mum.
I am off men bigtime now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I wouldn't take on the debt, he will have legal action against him for that one but I would start paying for his part for 2013 year in my name & thereafter.
I am the one that would loose out really but also I don't like the idea of school fees unpaid. I Am a responsible parent.
I am the one that would loose out really but also I don't like the idea of school fees unpaid. I Am a responsible parent.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i am sorry your going through this and that its making you question your future love life. i agree its responsible as a parent but just a shame that you have to pull his slack .
dont stop being a parent on his account and cobtinue to post here and seek recovery. hoping things look up for you
dont stop being a parent on his account and cobtinue to post here and seek recovery. hoping things look up for you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
you're still really hurting, I think it will take you a while to learn how to trust again and want to open up to someone. I am feeling the same way. So sorry to hear about your problems with the ex-husband, I didn't have any kids with mine which definitely makes it easier, no reason to have him in my life at all...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
I think that taking a little time off from men is not such a bad idea.
I have had many people try and set me up since my relationship with my XAGF ended.
I am taking this time to really work on myself.
I attend Al Anon meetings and see a therapist.
I dont want to start dating until I feel that I am emotionally detached enough from my XAGF so that she does not in any way influence my thinking during a date.
I also want to make sure that I feel healthy enough that I do not make the same mistake again.
There are plenty of good men and women out there.
We have either chosen wrong to begin with. Or chosen wrong to remain.
My therapist told me to just put myself out there.
Put myself in situations where I am around healthy single woman with no pressure.
Either in clubs or organizations. Or amongst friends.
We have come out of a battle zone. It has left us scared and afraid.
Unless we really take the time to work on our own issues we will never be able to distinguish who might be good for us and who is definitely bad.
I have had many people try and set me up since my relationship with my XAGF ended.
I am taking this time to really work on myself.
I attend Al Anon meetings and see a therapist.
I dont want to start dating until I feel that I am emotionally detached enough from my XAGF so that she does not in any way influence my thinking during a date.
I also want to make sure that I feel healthy enough that I do not make the same mistake again.
There are plenty of good men and women out there.
We have either chosen wrong to begin with. Or chosen wrong to remain.
My therapist told me to just put myself out there.
Put myself in situations where I am around healthy single woman with no pressure.
Either in clubs or organizations. Or amongst friends.
We have come out of a battle zone. It has left us scared and afraid.
Unless we really take the time to work on our own issues we will never be able to distinguish who might be good for us and who is definitely bad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Rosiepetal, I hear you, this is a tough ethical dilemna. What I am getting is that you are honorable and care that your school gets paid properly and want your kids to attend as students in good standing. It doesn't sound like your thought of paying in the future is really about enabling your ex-husband as much as it is making sure the school gets paid for services rendered.
Is your XAH working and in a financial situation where he can reasonably be expected to pay the school fees he is obligated to pay? You might ask your lawyer if his salary can be garnished, attached, whatever you call it, so that the State directly takes the money out of his check before he gets it.
Then, the school will be paid, and if you want, you can put away extra money for your kids as a back-up fund.
This double whammy on you JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR!!!!!
ShootingStar1
Is your XAH working and in a financial situation where he can reasonably be expected to pay the school fees he is obligated to pay? You might ask your lawyer if his salary can be garnished, attached, whatever you call it, so that the State directly takes the money out of his check before he gets it.
Then, the school will be paid, and if you want, you can put away extra money for your kids as a back-up fund.
This double whammy on you JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR!!!!!
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yes he is in a great financial situation.
Unfortunately (but fortunate for me lol) he is in a different country.
I am on a low income working school hours only.
I will use the weekend to think over the situation & what I feel is the right thing to do.
I am definitely going to work on myself so that I never choose men like my XAH or my XABF again. I'm tempted to write up a contract for the next man to sign lol. At the moment I'm not even interested in dating.
Oh & now when I play my Taylor Swift song to help my recovery I will direct it at both of these men:
WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER lol (at least I can see the light side)
Unfortunately (but fortunate for me lol) he is in a different country.
I am on a low income working school hours only.
I will use the weekend to think over the situation & what I feel is the right thing to do.
I am definitely going to work on myself so that I never choose men like my XAH or my XABF again. I'm tempted to write up a contract for the next man to sign lol. At the moment I'm not even interested in dating.
Oh & now when I play my Taylor Swift song to help my recovery I will direct it at both of these men:
WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER lol (at least I can see the light side)
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: acworth
Posts: 33
I totally understand how you feel. But I bet you could find a great guy. It is good to take a break but I am sure you can find a good guy. Sometimes that does require lowering your standards when it comes to looks, or personality. Like I never liked weak guys, who let a girl walk all over him(But they do make great boyfriends). And I've never let looks run who I date, but sometimes you can find a great guy who isn't that good looking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
It's not just men...
I live next door to a lesbian couple in their 50's. They each have a son, so they both used to be into men but for some reason decided to "switch teams". They get drunk and yell at each other a few nights every week. You name it, they yell about it. It's their way of "solving" problems lol.
I live next door to a lesbian couple in their 50's. They each have a son, so they both used to be into men but for some reason decided to "switch teams". They get drunk and yell at each other a few nights every week. You name it, they yell about it. It's their way of "solving" problems lol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Rosie, Please do not take on your ex-husband's financial obligations.
He has a duty, and obligation to his children.
Do not create additional hardship for yourself,
honey, you cannot save the world....
Slow down girl.......
(((((big hugs))))
He has a duty, and obligation to his children.
Do not create additional hardship for yourself,
honey, you cannot save the world....
Slow down girl.......
(((((big hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Rosie, Please do not take on your ex-husband's financial obligations.
He has a duty, and obligation to his children.
Do not create additional hardship for yourself,
honey, you cannot save the world....
Slow down girl.......
(((((big hugs))))
He has a duty, and obligation to his children.
Do not create additional hardship for yourself,
honey, you cannot save the world....
Slow down girl.......
(((((big hugs))))
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I would not take on his responsibilities as far as paying for your children's school is concerned. The only exception to this would be if his lack of payment would hurt the children in some way, in which case some action needs to be taken to ensure that your children get the schooling opportunities they deserve.
It sounds like the school knows that he is responsible rather than you, and is taking the appropriate action. It also sounds like your children's schooling will not be impacted, nor will you be held responsible for his failure to pay. (That was a good idea on your part, to get that in writing!)
As a result, this is his responsibility, not yours, and there is no reason why it should become yours.
It sounds like the school knows that he is responsible rather than you, and is taking the appropriate action. It also sounds like your children's schooling will not be impacted, nor will you be held responsible for his failure to pay. (That was a good idea on your part, to get that in writing!)
As a result, this is his responsibility, not yours, and there is no reason why it should become yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
OK I have made my decision & although I feel an obligation towards the school I am not going to take on the future payments that my ex husband should be paying.
I did this already once & he just got mad at me so why should I do it again.
I pay my half & I am on a low income. I am a responsible parent.
It would only create more financial strain for me & kids & its not like their father would care about that.
Thank you all for your advise.
On the alcoholic boyfriend & new girlfriend front I have been through lots of emotion the past few days but did a lot of reading last night & see that new girlfriend isn't special at all to him, she's just filling a void & sucking up all the BS I just had. Their relationship won't be true.
Sorry for my "over men" comment as it seems there are some decent ones out there & yes there are some here on SR who are now my friends whom I'm respect. Hope I didn't offend you.
One day at a time for me.
I did this already once & he just got mad at me so why should I do it again.
I pay my half & I am on a low income. I am a responsible parent.
It would only create more financial strain for me & kids & its not like their father would care about that.
Thank you all for your advise.
On the alcoholic boyfriend & new girlfriend front I have been through lots of emotion the past few days but did a lot of reading last night & see that new girlfriend isn't special at all to him, she's just filling a void & sucking up all the BS I just had. Their relationship won't be true.
Sorry for my "over men" comment as it seems there are some decent ones out there & yes there are some here on SR who are now my friends whom I'm respect. Hope I didn't offend you.
One day at a time for me.
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