Do I confront
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: wenonah, nj
Posts: 1
Do I confront
Hi,
I've been dating a man for 6 months that has been sober for 3 years. I recently found beer hidden in his basement. He has never given me any reason to think he is drinking. I was snooping which I'm not proud of but was not looking for alcohol, that's just what I happened to find. Should I confront him about it?
I've been dating a man for 6 months that has been sober for 3 years. I recently found beer hidden in his basement. He has never given me any reason to think he is drinking. I was snooping which I'm not proud of but was not looking for alcohol, that's just what I happened to find. Should I confront him about it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Any relationship where you can't say what you want to say is not a good relationship. So ask. No need to confront. But it's a red flag that you are reluctant to ask.
But why were you snooping? That's another red flag that the relationship isn't right.
If he's still drinking, he'll probably lie. If he's not drinking, you probably won't completely believe him.
All you can do is watch and know that eventually all will be revealed.
But why were you snooping? That's another red flag that the relationship isn't right.
If he's still drinking, he'll probably lie. If he's not drinking, you probably won't completely believe him.
All you can do is watch and know that eventually all will be revealed.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I would, I am the confrontation queen.
Do it nicely, "hey, I was looking in the basement today and found some beer...?" "Hey, I found beer in the basement, you want to put it in the fridge?" "Hey, did you know you have beer in the basement?" etc.
And don't do it sarcastically either. Or with anger. He may have a perfectly reasonable explanation, like, it's been there for 3 years and he forgot about it.
This is why they say ignorance is bliss.
Do it nicely, "hey, I was looking in the basement today and found some beer...?" "Hey, I found beer in the basement, you want to put it in the fridge?" "Hey, did you know you have beer in the basement?" etc.
And don't do it sarcastically either. Or with anger. He may have a perfectly reasonable explanation, like, it's been there for 3 years and he forgot about it.
This is why they say ignorance is bliss.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Be prepared for the whole thing to blow up in your face if you confront him.
Ask yourself what is your motivation for confronting him:
Are you trying to control his behavior?
Are you trying to cause a reaction to change his behavior?
What if you don't get the response you hoped for?
He may become defensive. It is HIS house, right? HIS basement, HIS beer, and HIS choice.
How does this change things for you if he is drinking beer?
Ask yourself what is your motivation for confronting him:
Are you trying to control his behavior?
Are you trying to cause a reaction to change his behavior?
What if you don't get the response you hoped for?
He may become defensive. It is HIS house, right? HIS basement, HIS beer, and HIS choice.
How does this change things for you if he is drinking beer?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by eastbrook54 
I was snooping which I'm not proud of but was not looking for alcohol,
If you confront him, he's probably going to ask, "what were you doing in my basement?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I have beer in the basement that is used for trapping slugs. Seriously, it works! There is a slight possibility that it's legit. Actually, that could be the way you phrase the question, "oh, have you got a slug problem in the yard? I noticed the beer when I was looking for....." And there is the problem. What do you say about that?
The bigger issue (to my mind) is the snooping. I am NOT judging - I have snooped, and it's the only way I got the truth, so I get it. BUT it is a big red flag, as SadHeart said.
The bigger issue (to my mind) is the snooping. I am NOT judging - I have snooped, and it's the only way I got the truth, so I get it. BUT it is a big red flag, as SadHeart said.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am confused, he has given you no reason to think he was drinking yet you were snooping, in the basement?
I wouldn't confront him. I would leave it where you found it and if you feel compelled you can look and see if its gone.
Next I would stop snooping. As Sadheart said all will be revealed anyway if that's what he's doing.
I wouldn't confront him. I would leave it where you found it and if you feel compelled you can look and see if its gone.
Next I would stop snooping. As Sadheart said all will be revealed anyway if that's what he's doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
If you ask him & he is hiding his drinking, then he will most likely lie. But, if he isn't drinking, then he will probably be upset. Personally I would let this one go.
If you are suspicious, like previous posters stated, then that is a red flag. Other signs will eventually show.
If you are suspicious, like previous posters stated, then that is a red flag. Other signs will eventually show.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by m1k3
If we had been dating for 6 months and I found out you were snooping in my basement the relationship would be over right then and there.
The snooping didn't end there - it carried through our entire relationship, even got him banned from this site. Please consider your motivations before you confront him on anything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 7
I've lived with an alcoholic for ten years ...a closet alcoholic.
I've recently <finally> made up my mind to get out, as soon as possible and I WILL.
What we who are sober will never be able to understand is how an alcoholic thinks-how they reason-how they justify what they are doing.
I had purchased a home together with my <then> girlfriend and then four years after that married her before I realized what was going on...why I was met with a confrontational, argumentative woman at the end of each work day. She always blamed her actions and attitude on the "stresses of the work-a-day world"
What I finally came to realize is that she had a serious drinking problem. I continued to endure the bs associated with her drinking for another three years. I tried "confrontation" but, what happened was the Devil came out with teeth bared every time she has too much to drink. One night, when we were arguing across the kitchen counter, she said <kkep in mind that was drunk but not stumbling drunk>, "I'm not going to put up with this any more" and she called 911. Like an idiot, I attempted and did grab her cellphone out of her hand. I quickly hung it up. 911 called back and I explained that my wife was "toasted" and we had been arguing and I tried to stop her from making the call. They sent the police. In my state, if they are called out on a domestic, they're required to make an arrest. They didn't recognize her condition as drunk and she told them that I grabbed her arm. I was arrested for the first time in 62 years! I was so upset that I didn't take my cell phone with me and, later when I got out and got my phone, she had left me a message, asking "where ARE you!" Call me! And my phone was at our home! She later sent a letter to the Court, requesting that the charges be dropped and the restraining order be lifted...the arraignment Judge set that up and I couldn't get back to my house except for one, police escorted visit, the day after I got out. I worked for myself at the time and couldn't get to my tools and equipment so that work went smoothly. That was July29th of 2010. It's one dramatic episode after another. She will never change. Promises to not do it again can't be kept. Promises to drink less can't be kept. She's always the victim and never the perpetrator. Things are fine, every day, until 4:00-4:30 PM. Then, she heads for our bedroom where she keeps the fifth of Rum hidden in her closet. I never see her drink it. She keeps her 1.5 Liter Wine or Beer in my view but, the hard stuff is always hidden. She can walk and cook dinner <I usually cook half of the time or have to finish it because she goes to bed at 6:30 PM, "waisted." I don't have a life with her. We have both been forced to retire, early, because of the economy. I'd probably be on the street if I didn't have social security coming in. So, I'm faced with leaving and selling my beautify home that I have always bustted my butt to keep in great shape. I don't even know if I can make it on what I'll have so this has been a hard decision for me. I went to a LCSW, yesterday, for the first time, just to "vent" and to hopefully get advise. She told me that I already know what I have to do. I just have to do it. I got myself into this, even though I told her in an email before we ever met face-to-face, that I didn't want anyone with drug or alcohol problems. Guess what? She lied and it took me a while before the hormones subsided enough for me to start thinking with the right head.
My advice to you is get out. Figure out a way. If there is a will, there is a way. I kept telling myself that I loved her and hoped that I could deal with this but, trust this 64 yo! I've been around the block a few times and I'm sure of this. It won't work. They'll lie and deceive and whatever else it takes to live their life with their first True love-alcohol! They have a distorted view of the world and it will never mesh with yours. I'm facing the rest of my life (and I have my health, thank goodness) alone but, I'd rather live alone and sane than in a world of constant drama and manipulation and deception and that is what I have had since 2001.
Get out. Live life without if you have to but, at least you'll be able, hopefully, to LIVE...to enjoy. Life's too short and the older you get, the faster the days go by. It's not worth it to live this one "shot" we get at life miserably. Good luck. May you find peace and contentment.
I've recently <finally> made up my mind to get out, as soon as possible and I WILL.
What we who are sober will never be able to understand is how an alcoholic thinks-how they reason-how they justify what they are doing.
I had purchased a home together with my <then> girlfriend and then four years after that married her before I realized what was going on...why I was met with a confrontational, argumentative woman at the end of each work day. She always blamed her actions and attitude on the "stresses of the work-a-day world"
What I finally came to realize is that she had a serious drinking problem. I continued to endure the bs associated with her drinking for another three years. I tried "confrontation" but, what happened was the Devil came out with teeth bared every time she has too much to drink. One night, when we were arguing across the kitchen counter, she said <kkep in mind that was drunk but not stumbling drunk>, "I'm not going to put up with this any more" and she called 911. Like an idiot, I attempted and did grab her cellphone out of her hand. I quickly hung it up. 911 called back and I explained that my wife was "toasted" and we had been arguing and I tried to stop her from making the call. They sent the police. In my state, if they are called out on a domestic, they're required to make an arrest. They didn't recognize her condition as drunk and she told them that I grabbed her arm. I was arrested for the first time in 62 years! I was so upset that I didn't take my cell phone with me and, later when I got out and got my phone, she had left me a message, asking "where ARE you!" Call me! And my phone was at our home! She later sent a letter to the Court, requesting that the charges be dropped and the restraining order be lifted...the arraignment Judge set that up and I couldn't get back to my house except for one, police escorted visit, the day after I got out. I worked for myself at the time and couldn't get to my tools and equipment so that work went smoothly. That was July29th of 2010. It's one dramatic episode after another. She will never change. Promises to not do it again can't be kept. Promises to drink less can't be kept. She's always the victim and never the perpetrator. Things are fine, every day, until 4:00-4:30 PM. Then, she heads for our bedroom where she keeps the fifth of Rum hidden in her closet. I never see her drink it. She keeps her 1.5 Liter Wine or Beer in my view but, the hard stuff is always hidden. She can walk and cook dinner <I usually cook half of the time or have to finish it because she goes to bed at 6:30 PM, "waisted." I don't have a life with her. We have both been forced to retire, early, because of the economy. I'd probably be on the street if I didn't have social security coming in. So, I'm faced with leaving and selling my beautify home that I have always bustted my butt to keep in great shape. I don't even know if I can make it on what I'll have so this has been a hard decision for me. I went to a LCSW, yesterday, for the first time, just to "vent" and to hopefully get advise. She told me that I already know what I have to do. I just have to do it. I got myself into this, even though I told her in an email before we ever met face-to-face, that I didn't want anyone with drug or alcohol problems. Guess what? She lied and it took me a while before the hormones subsided enough for me to start thinking with the right head.
My advice to you is get out. Figure out a way. If there is a will, there is a way. I kept telling myself that I loved her and hoped that I could deal with this but, trust this 64 yo! I've been around the block a few times and I'm sure of this. It won't work. They'll lie and deceive and whatever else it takes to live their life with their first True love-alcohol! They have a distorted view of the world and it will never mesh with yours. I'm facing the rest of my life (and I have my health, thank goodness) alone but, I'd rather live alone and sane than in a world of constant drama and manipulation and deception and that is what I have had since 2001.
Get out. Live life without if you have to but, at least you'll be able, hopefully, to LIVE...to enjoy. Life's too short and the older you get, the faster the days go by. It's not worth it to live this one "shot" we get at life miserably. Good luck. May you find peace and contentment.
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