My Codependent Side
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
My Codependent Side
I'm learning a lot and starting to recognize my need to "fix" things and take care of people.
In the last two days I have realized I can fix everything.
1) an employee where my younger son works got fired because he stole something - this is a normally good kid who got caught up in trying to be cool and get something one of his friends wanted. He was fired and arrested. My first thought was talking to the manager so the manager can talk to the judge to go "easy" on him. I know crazy and hopefully this kid had learned a message of a lifetime.
2) My recovering AS's room mate didn't have money for gas and doesn't get paid until tomorrow. He is a good kid and is actually a very good influence on my son. He understands alcoholism and he and my son have agreed they won't have any alcohol in the house and won't let friends come there and drink and crash. Anyway, my first thought was to go fill his car up with gas for him. I didn't and encouraged him and my son to carpool until his roommate gets paid. They can work it out. It's none of my business.
3) A person sent me an email this morning wanting to know if I could buy Christmas presents for her children. I always help buy gifts when parents are out of work or whatever and normally I would have just agreed without asking any questions. Anyway, I told her that I know four or five people who have offered to help her so let me know what they are doing and then I would see if there was something more the kids needed.
Anyway, these are just the examples of the last two days how I try to fix everything. I will still help people but will do it based on a true desire to give not out of the fear that if I don't fix it something bad will happen to them.
Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else but it seems pretty clear to me. I wasn't giving to give but to fix (or control any pain someone may feel).
In the last two days I have realized I can fix everything.
1) an employee where my younger son works got fired because he stole something - this is a normally good kid who got caught up in trying to be cool and get something one of his friends wanted. He was fired and arrested. My first thought was talking to the manager so the manager can talk to the judge to go "easy" on him. I know crazy and hopefully this kid had learned a message of a lifetime.
2) My recovering AS's room mate didn't have money for gas and doesn't get paid until tomorrow. He is a good kid and is actually a very good influence on my son. He understands alcoholism and he and my son have agreed they won't have any alcohol in the house and won't let friends come there and drink and crash. Anyway, my first thought was to go fill his car up with gas for him. I didn't and encouraged him and my son to carpool until his roommate gets paid. They can work it out. It's none of my business.
3) A person sent me an email this morning wanting to know if I could buy Christmas presents for her children. I always help buy gifts when parents are out of work or whatever and normally I would have just agreed without asking any questions. Anyway, I told her that I know four or five people who have offered to help her so let me know what they are doing and then I would see if there was something more the kids needed.
Anyway, these are just the examples of the last two days how I try to fix everything. I will still help people but will do it based on a true desire to give not out of the fear that if I don't fix it something bad will happen to them.
Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else but it seems pretty clear to me. I wasn't giving to give but to fix (or control any pain someone may feel).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have to monitor myself constantly, too.
And in the past, when I was at my worst, I would help someone (who usually had dug his or her own hole and in fact had no intention of changing) and then when that person did not use my help--usually money--in what I thought was the right way, I would resent the person.
Your good sense to be a PART of the solution rather than the ONLY solution when someone needs "help" is also something I am trying to cultivate, and have been, for years. But sometimes I slip, and I rescue, but not nearly as often as I used to.
And in the past, when I was at my worst, I would help someone (who usually had dug his or her own hole and in fact had no intention of changing) and then when that person did not use my help--usually money--in what I thought was the right way, I would resent the person.
Your good sense to be a PART of the solution rather than the ONLY solution when someone needs "help" is also something I am trying to cultivate, and have been, for years. But sometimes I slip, and I rescue, but not nearly as often as I used to.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Where ALL of YOU ARE
Posts: 45
Reading another comment you made guided me to your threads and this one hit home...I never realized that I too feel the need to FIX things...but I also starting thinking that my controlling sheltering ways are the very reason my daughter became an addict..I started with an AH whom once I divorced said I would NEVER associate with ANYONE using drugs..now having an AD...has opened my eyes to the fact I never recovered from my husband and now I have to concentrate on my recovery in order to one day potentially help my daughter. I am also thankful for this site because it makes a big difference to gain the support and share with people who are just as shocked, in denial and co-dependant as myself. I wish you well and hope that all of us joining together for support will make a positive change in all our lives.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Isn't it just amazing when that light bulb switches on and we see ourselves? YIKES.
But there can be a happy ending. I found my original copy of Beattie's book, Codependent No More. I had checked off all that applied to me from her lists on codependency. MOST were checked.
I retook the test now, 6-7 years later, very few apply. Some - but nowhere even close to how far gone into it I was. I'm a very different person and so much happier living in my own skin instead of trying to live in everyone else's.
But there can be a happy ending. I found my original copy of Beattie's book, Codependent No More. I had checked off all that applied to me from her lists on codependency. MOST were checked.
I retook the test now, 6-7 years later, very few apply. Some - but nowhere even close to how far gone into it I was. I'm a very different person and so much happier living in my own skin instead of trying to live in everyone else's.
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