I'm new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'm new here
I just joined tonight. I'm sitting here at work while my husband is at home passed out drunk with the dogs.
I am tired of it. I love him so much. I feel alone in this relationship. He spends his off days, which are my off days too, getting drunk. We go from buzzed to smashed with no in between. His drink of choice is vodka. He actually started before his work week was over this week and that's not good!
We do not have a physically abusive relationship. Verbally abusive when he's drunk, yes... to a point... but he will lie to me like a rug and he gets mad and tells me to shut up when I say the word vodka. When he's not drinking, he is an amazing man! That's the man I love and married. I call him my Jimmy! We never fight when he's sober. Maybe minor disagreements but we get along so well BUT when he's drinking, James comes out and I've been living with James the last 4 days now. James is a liar. He's forgetful and he will do anything to keep his beloved vodka safe from me because if I find it, I dump it. I don't like James. Heck, James doesn't like Jimmy. It's the sad truth. When James is around, he takes over for days on end. It's not a one night thing like he would like to believe. He will say, Why can't I have one night to enjoy? Well, because your one night turns into 3, 4, 5 nights non stop!
I don't know what to do anymore. I told him tonight that this is affecting our relationship (I have said this in the past) and he said tonight, I don't think it is.
I miss my Jimmy.
I am tired of it. I love him so much. I feel alone in this relationship. He spends his off days, which are my off days too, getting drunk. We go from buzzed to smashed with no in between. His drink of choice is vodka. He actually started before his work week was over this week and that's not good!
We do not have a physically abusive relationship. Verbally abusive when he's drunk, yes... to a point... but he will lie to me like a rug and he gets mad and tells me to shut up when I say the word vodka. When he's not drinking, he is an amazing man! That's the man I love and married. I call him my Jimmy! We never fight when he's sober. Maybe minor disagreements but we get along so well BUT when he's drinking, James comes out and I've been living with James the last 4 days now. James is a liar. He's forgetful and he will do anything to keep his beloved vodka safe from me because if I find it, I dump it. I don't like James. Heck, James doesn't like Jimmy. It's the sad truth. When James is around, he takes over for days on end. It's not a one night thing like he would like to believe. He will say, Why can't I have one night to enjoy? Well, because your one night turns into 3, 4, 5 nights non stop!
I don't know what to do anymore. I told him tonight that this is affecting our relationship (I have said this in the past) and he said tonight, I don't think it is.
I miss my Jimmy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
You are in the right place for support! Welcome! there are many here going through very similar things and so you are not alone. It can be almost unreal how alcohol can change a personality so much. It certainly did with me when I drank hard liquor. Best of luck! My heart goes out to you....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's an awful place to be. SR is an excellent place to find support, and i'm glad you found it. I suggest reading as much as you can to educate yourself, Codependent No More is a good one to start with. Check out the stickies at the top of the page, too.
You are not alone. Welcome.
You are not alone. Welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I know him so well, that it drives him nuts. He thinks I'm dumb. It's like he insults my intelligence when I ask him, When did you get the bottle? and he says, I don't have a bottle. I don't know what you're talking about.
All I have to do is look at him, and hear a few words and I know when James is front n center. I don't even need to smell it on him him anymore. His eyes tell me a big dark story. It's like I'm married to 2 differnt men in the same body. One loves me so very much and the other... he could care less about me and him.
I plan on reading every sticky here. It'll take some time but... I know I have been his enabler to some degree. I know I can't change it but man, I wish I could.
All I have to do is look at him, and hear a few words and I know when James is front n center. I don't even need to smell it on him him anymore. His eyes tell me a big dark story. It's like I'm married to 2 differnt men in the same body. One loves me so very much and the other... he could care less about me and him.
I plan on reading every sticky here. It'll take some time but... I know I have been his enabler to some degree. I know I can't change it but man, I wish I could.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top of this main page. I am always finding wisdom when I read in those posts. In fact, one post in particular helped me find my serenity when I was living with active alcoholism in my home. Here is a link to my favorite sticky (I followed all the steps):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The Jekyll/Hyde personality you describe is a common theme with alcoholics. Unfortunately, this is a progressive disease and we see less and less of the nice side of the addiction.
I learned alot about alcoholism from reading a book called "Under the Influence". We have excerpts from that book on a sticky post. Here is a link to the excerpts for that book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top of this main page. I am always finding wisdom when I read in those posts. In fact, one post in particular helped me find my serenity when I was living with active alcoholism in my home. Here is a link to my favorite sticky (I followed all the steps):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
The Jekyll/Hyde personality you describe is a common theme with alcoholics. Unfortunately, this is a progressive disease and we see less and less of the nice side of the addiction.
I learned alot about alcoholism from reading a book called "Under the Influence". We have excerpts from that book on a sticky post. Here is a link to the excerpts for that book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Hello and Welcome BoxinRotz.
Glad you are here.
You will find plenty of support here. And the stickies helped me to realize I was not alone, I was not the only one experiencing life with an active addict.
My situation was not unique, we all share a common bond, Our lives have become unmanagable because of someone's drinking and addiction. ((((hugs)))
Post all you need, we are here and we understand.
Glad you are here.
You will find plenty of support here. And the stickies helped me to realize I was not alone, I was not the only one experiencing life with an active addict.
My situation was not unique, we all share a common bond, Our lives have become unmanagable because of someone's drinking and addiction. ((((hugs)))
Post all you need, we are here and we understand.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Pouring out the liquor, looking for bottles, measuring the levels on the bottles, hiding the bottles, swapping water for vodka, etc etc. = codependent behavior > counterproductive behavior > self-sickening behavior.
See this too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-vol-1-a.html
See this too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-vol-1-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome! SR is a fabulous place to be at this time in your life ... soak up information at every opportunity as knowledge can be the key to your finding solutions.
I also found alcoholism to be progressive and it is a downhill slide unless they desperately want to get sober more than they want to drink and are willing to do whatever it takes.
Sounds like he is long way from recovery so hunker down with us for awhile and you can get the tools that will give you peace and serenity even in the midst of chaos.
I also found alcoholism to be progressive and it is a downhill slide unless they desperately want to get sober more than they want to drink and are willing to do whatever it takes.
Sounds like he is long way from recovery so hunker down with us for awhile and you can get the tools that will give you peace and serenity even in the midst of chaos.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
James will want you isolated. He will want you to have no other close relationships and definitely no other commitments except to him and to continuing life the way James wants it.
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the deep pain and loneliness you feel. I, too, was married to an alcoholic man, many years ago. He was brilliant, fascinating and funny. And very sweet to me when he was sober.
When he was drunk, he wanted to hurt everyone and everything in his reach. I did all the things young wives of alcoholics do: I locked up the whiskey and measured out one drink a day to him. I believed his promises that he would not drink when I was away from home and he was in charge of the children. I took the car he tore up on a drunk to the garage and had it repaired while he slept safe and warm in bed all day. I begged him and cried my eyes out, pleading he would stop drinking.
But alcoholics can't stop. They can't stop. When someone becomes an alcoholic, he loses control of his drinking. We can't believe it. We think, he PROMISED he wouldn't. We think, "How can he do this to our life? Why is he doing this to me? To the children?"
Alcoholics drink because they can't stop drinking.
It takes a lot to force an alcoholic to turn against alcohol. If such an event occurs, whatever that event is, it never happens because the alcoholic's wife made it happen. Wives try everything. They try everything. But the moment an alcoholic turns and reaches for sobriety: that moment is his alone. It never belongs to the wife. She has never had any power to stop his drinking and she never will.
So, welcome to SR. Read the Sticky links for the information. Find some books at the library to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Try Al-Anon. Most of all, when James shows up, if you can, leave the home. And don't come back until he's gone. There is no reason in the world you should ever put up with James in your sanctuary. If a friend can take you in, stay with a friend. No one should ever have to be within the reach of an alcoholic on a drunk.
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the deep pain and loneliness you feel. I, too, was married to an alcoholic man, many years ago. He was brilliant, fascinating and funny. And very sweet to me when he was sober.
When he was drunk, he wanted to hurt everyone and everything in his reach. I did all the things young wives of alcoholics do: I locked up the whiskey and measured out one drink a day to him. I believed his promises that he would not drink when I was away from home and he was in charge of the children. I took the car he tore up on a drunk to the garage and had it repaired while he slept safe and warm in bed all day. I begged him and cried my eyes out, pleading he would stop drinking.
But alcoholics can't stop. They can't stop. When someone becomes an alcoholic, he loses control of his drinking. We can't believe it. We think, he PROMISED he wouldn't. We think, "How can he do this to our life? Why is he doing this to me? To the children?"
Alcoholics drink because they can't stop drinking.
It takes a lot to force an alcoholic to turn against alcohol. If such an event occurs, whatever that event is, it never happens because the alcoholic's wife made it happen. Wives try everything. They try everything. But the moment an alcoholic turns and reaches for sobriety: that moment is his alone. It never belongs to the wife. She has never had any power to stop his drinking and she never will.
So, welcome to SR. Read the Sticky links for the information. Find some books at the library to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Try Al-Anon. Most of all, when James shows up, if you can, leave the home. And don't come back until he's gone. There is no reason in the world you should ever put up with James in your sanctuary. If a friend can take you in, stay with a friend. No one should ever have to be within the reach of an alcoholic on a drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
My husband has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager, according to him. He will be 55 years old in April. He would tell me stories of driving his grandfather to the bars at 14 so Pap could drink.
He was sober for almost 20 years and now, he's back at it. He's been back at it since 2009 from what he says and he's been hiding it. The only thing he didn't pick back up was the crack pipe. I guess he was a big crack head once upon a time. I had one short success with him when his son and I tried an intervention in Oct of 2011. I even contacted a treatment center and had everything ready, all he had to do was agree to go. He has been in an in patient treatment before. His sobriety lasted til May of 2012. One evening while I was at work in May, I tried to call him. He wouldn't answer. When he did, I asked him what he was doing? He said, cutting grass. I start my shifts at 6:45pm-6:45am) When I got home in the morning, I went to bed and didn't pay attention to it. I got up around 11 am and was sitting on the front porch and it hit me... either my grass grows really dang fast and I should call Guiness or someone is up to no good.
It's not stopped since. He went 2 weeks without drinking and started his sneaking again when he said, I don't want to lose you. Thing is, even though he sneaks, I know he does it because he's a paranoid drunk. He will ask me if I'm ok 10 times in 5 minutes. Or, he'll ask me what time it is a million times. Or, When are you going to bed? I'll say, I'm working and in 2 minutes, he;ll ask me again. And when I do get to work, he'll call my cell and want to know where I am? WORK!
He was sober for almost 20 years and now, he's back at it. He's been back at it since 2009 from what he says and he's been hiding it. The only thing he didn't pick back up was the crack pipe. I guess he was a big crack head once upon a time. I had one short success with him when his son and I tried an intervention in Oct of 2011. I even contacted a treatment center and had everything ready, all he had to do was agree to go. He has been in an in patient treatment before. His sobriety lasted til May of 2012. One evening while I was at work in May, I tried to call him. He wouldn't answer. When he did, I asked him what he was doing? He said, cutting grass. I start my shifts at 6:45pm-6:45am) When I got home in the morning, I went to bed and didn't pay attention to it. I got up around 11 am and was sitting on the front porch and it hit me... either my grass grows really dang fast and I should call Guiness or someone is up to no good.
It's not stopped since. He went 2 weeks without drinking and started his sneaking again when he said, I don't want to lose you. Thing is, even though he sneaks, I know he does it because he's a paranoid drunk. He will ask me if I'm ok 10 times in 5 minutes. Or, he'll ask me what time it is a million times. Or, When are you going to bed? I'll say, I'm working and in 2 minutes, he;ll ask me again. And when I do get to work, he'll call my cell and want to know where I am? WORK!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
sometimes you wonder why you are uncomfortable in your choices but the alcoholic is very comfortable in all their choices. when does the shoe go on the other foot? when you get the knowledge that you can not love them sober. go to a support group for yourself and maybe he will see you getting healthy and decide to get healthy also
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I can't help but feel incredibly sad that I know he can't possibly love me as much as he says he does and continue to drink the way he does. I feel like I'm losing him. <this is where the tough love comes in and it hurts me>I have a place to go at any time I need it. I know I will be packing the dogs up with me when I go because he won't feed them. On our off days, I guess it will be me and the Girls going to my brother's house and I'll just have to tell him that if he's going to drink then he'll have to drink alone.
I know it's more important to him right now than our marriage. I'm just going to have to deal with it and get over it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
i understand where you are coming from!! i had to remove my husband from my home after two suicide attempts(due to the drinking) he is now in ICU right now due to car accident but at least he is going to be ok for right now! the best thing for him is for you to take care of yourself and maybe he will start to see you healing and join the program! i wish you luck because this is a hard road and you can not stop your heart from still being in love but you need to take care of yourself to be there for him if he can be sober!!! go to a support group, talk to someone, go to church, go do something for yourself!! co-dependency is awful and will get you nowhere but closer to his death! make yourself number one for your kids! wish you luck and i will try to do the samething for myself!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Thank you soberwife.
I have decided, that as hard as it is, I will take care of me and not him. He has an appointment today that I was going to take him to because he has been drinking and I don't want him driving because I fear he will hurt someone or himself. I'm not taking him. I'm going home and to bed. I've been up since 10 am yesterday morning.
And, if he comes home drunk, I am taking our dogs and leaving. I will tell him that when he is ready to be married and a part of our relationship that I will be waiting. He needs to grow up and make a choice because obviously, I can't make him be a good husband or a good person.
As far as what I am doing for myself, I have had a bear hunt planned since September that will be happening on Saturday. I am leaving the house on Friday evening and won't be back until Saturday evening. I am also an avid archery hunter. I missed this season due to a shoulder injury I am still dealing with. I'm working through the pain and getting through rifle season.
I have decided, that as hard as it is, I will take care of me and not him. He has an appointment today that I was going to take him to because he has been drinking and I don't want him driving because I fear he will hurt someone or himself. I'm not taking him. I'm going home and to bed. I've been up since 10 am yesterday morning.
And, if he comes home drunk, I am taking our dogs and leaving. I will tell him that when he is ready to be married and a part of our relationship that I will be waiting. He needs to grow up and make a choice because obviously, I can't make him be a good husband or a good person.
As far as what I am doing for myself, I have had a bear hunt planned since September that will be happening on Saturday. I am leaving the house on Friday evening and won't be back until Saturday evening. I am also an avid archery hunter. I missed this season due to a shoulder injury I am still dealing with. I'm working through the pain and getting through rifle season.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
Welcome. I'm fairly new year also. You will find much support on wisdom here. Most of us are familiar with jimmy and James . I can empathize with your story and your pain. After 36 years, I gave my "James" a choice, me or the alcohol. We all know what he choose. This site has given me a wealth of information and support. It has given me the courage to take those baby steps to detach and make my decisions. Tomorrow, I speak with an attorney. This site, with the wonderful support, you'll find here will help you take your baby step. Welcome and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
BoxinRotz - so sorry this is happening. You made a comment that he can't possibly love you as much as he says he does and continue to drink. This is where you need to educate yourself about alcoholism and codie behavior. You have probably asked him to quit drinking if "he loves you", he doesn't quit, therefore.....he doesn't love you or love you as much as you love him because if it were you, you would stop.
Alcoholics can't stop - not long term without treatment. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It is a physical and psychological addiction. You shouldn't take your behavior, and what you would do (I am sure if he asked you to stop you would) and use that as a metric for his behavior. There are a couple of absolutes with alcoholics - at least in my experience. They will drink - their lives revolve around it. They will lie. They are illogical. I no longer ask my AH if he has been drinking. If I caught him with the bottle to his mouth he would tell me I was seeing things. This would start an argument - night ruined. No thanks. You know what you know confirmation that they are or that they know you know means zippo to a drunk.
Learn everything you can about this disease. It will help you so much just to understand it, you will be able to release a lot of the burden and hurt.
Alcoholics can't stop - not long term without treatment. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It is a physical and psychological addiction. You shouldn't take your behavior, and what you would do (I am sure if he asked you to stop you would) and use that as a metric for his behavior. There are a couple of absolutes with alcoholics - at least in my experience. They will drink - their lives revolve around it. They will lie. They are illogical. I no longer ask my AH if he has been drinking. If I caught him with the bottle to his mouth he would tell me I was seeing things. This would start an argument - night ruined. No thanks. You know what you know confirmation that they are or that they know you know means zippo to a drunk.
Learn everything you can about this disease. It will help you so much just to understand it, you will be able to release a lot of the burden and hurt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I've never said, if you love me you will stop. I know it doesn't work that way. I have said, you need to stop! You are killing yourself and ruining our relationship.
Thing is, Jimmy loves me and James loves his vodka.
He is the first alcoholic I've ever been with. I will be 34 years old. This is new territory for me and dealing with it for 3 years, I'm ready to let the guilt go and know it's not me and I can't fix it. I told him this morning that it will be his choice on whether I am here when he gets home. He said, I don't blame you. I was talking to Jimmy. If that was James, he wouldn't have cared. The ball is in his court. He will be the deciding factor to his sobriety. I will be here or there waiting for him to make a break through and accept it or not. I can't give it to him.
Thing is, Jimmy loves me and James loves his vodka.
He is the first alcoholic I've ever been with. I will be 34 years old. This is new territory for me and dealing with it for 3 years, I'm ready to let the guilt go and know it's not me and I can't fix it. I told him this morning that it will be his choice on whether I am here when he gets home. He said, I don't blame you. I was talking to Jimmy. If that was James, he wouldn't have cared. The ball is in his court. He will be the deciding factor to his sobriety. I will be here or there waiting for him to make a break through and accept it or not. I can't give it to him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Kudos to you - I feel your pain. I never stop having hope - and I hope that Jimmy decides he is tired of James.
When it comes to my own AH I have low expectations as to not be disappointed.
Sorry, always sorry for anyone having to go through it.
When it comes to my own AH I have low expectations as to not be disappointed.
Sorry, always sorry for anyone having to go through it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It is so heart breaking. If we could fix it, we wouldn't have all these books, support groups, forums and pain. I know it's not me. He's been this way for longer than I've been alive. He said this morning, I will do it for you. I said, No! You do it for yourself because you've never done it for me. *were still struggling... hello* His other line is... If I knew it hurt you so much, I wouldn't do it. That is another lie. He knows it breaks my heart yet he still does it. They are excuses. I love him but I don't trust him.
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