MyBetterWorld

So I get a text from my xah wondering about Thanksgiving with the kids. Just a brief background for those who don't know me...He is recently out of jail, says he's sober (idk about that, but whatever) and basically homeless.

He says "so whats going on for Thanksgiving? I can get a ride up there with B"

I say "for? what, a day? The girls and I are going to Thanksgiving at my aunts"

He says, "well I can get a ride up thursday night and then a ride back Friday morning. that way I can spend a few days with the kids"

I say "where?"

He says, "well, your house, where else"

I don't want to be a bitch here, and I'm sure the girls would love to have their dad around for Thanksgiving, but I really really don't want him around my Thanksgiving even long enough for dinner. Then I feel bad, that he'll be alone/homeless blah blah blah. I just need someone to tell me it's ok to tell him no. Please. Or, tell me I am being a bitch about it.

M

Mrshat

M. You must do what you need to do for you and your children. I don't know there ages but mine are teenagers and will be sad that dad is not there but upset angry frustrated that he is drunk and upset the whole day. If your situation mirrors mine holidays birthdays anniversarys are all ruined by drink. Good luck whatever you choose.

Collingwood20

Being on the other side of your discussion, I was once a drunk homeless ex that thought the same scenario was acceptable. We have twin boys that are seven.

My ex told me straight out that I was never ever staying at her house under no circumstances. We are best of friends, we speak everyday on every topic, but are never get back together.

And, We still have a problem that I live in a half-way house and can not have the boys stay with me. I have been sober for about six months this time and feel great, but understand that I will not be staying with the boys over night until I get my own place.

Tell the ex you understand, but sorry. The girls will slowly grow the recovery with Dad and will learn that for now Daddy is not staying with them.....It might also give him a kick in the pants to start a program of recovery.

Good luck!..

PS: This is a program of honesty and tough love. It will be better if you are honest now and nip this and other things in the bud.

SparkleKitty

Wow, terrific post Collingwood! Thank you for that perspective. And congratulations on 6 months & feeling great!

MsPINKAcres

Thank you Collingwood for your input ~

While I do believe it is great for sep/div parents to work together for the children's sake ~ it is also important for us codies to not step over the line to the enabling ~

It is not one person's responsibility to make sure another adult has a way to spend time with their children ~ especially if it crosses boundaries and makes others uncomfortable ~

nothing wrong with making a different plan and finding a workable happy medium ~

just a suggestion ~

PINK HUGS,

akalacha

It's OK to tell him no! Really, it is. Do what is best for yourself and your children.

choublak

Whatever, soup kitchens, homeless shelters and other organizations do Thanksgiving dinners for homeless people, I think AA even does that in some groups if the members want to. So don't feel bad, and if he pulls some "I'm alone on Thanksgiving and it's all your fault" or something, don't buy it.

choublak

BTW, I love how he just invites himself like that.

MyBetterWorld

Choublak-I know I was thinking the same thing. He called about it last night. Sounded sober but who knows. Anyway, at that point he was just saying well I just wanted to save you a round trip-that way you don't have to bring the girls all the way here and back on Friday. Isn't he thoughtful? ROFL.

MyBetterWorld

Thank you Collingwood. I greatly appreciate your perspective.

Collingwood20

Just checking back in on this thread because it is an important one. I hope everyone is at peace for the holiday.

My wife left with my children because I was a drunk and unsafe and she never looked back. Why would she? And when she bought a house, rebuilt her life, thus creating warmth and safety for our children the "Now you can comeback sign!" was not posted for a damn good reason - I disrupted her life for over a decade. Why would she consider to continue that debacle?

Sobriety does not grant anyone a free pass for anything. I will guarantee that everyone is pleased that the ex is finding recovery, but it does not issue a ticket into disturbing those we love with demands.

I am entitled only to what is offered and no more. It hurts deeply, but I am sober and with that I will grow.

God Bless.

MyBetterWorld

Thanks Collingwood...I just left it alone and haven't heard anything since. I'm not really surprised by that, I don't know why I got bent out of shape to begin with. He's never been one to try to follow through on anything. It's shaping up to be a nice peaceful holiday with the kids. Thanks for checking, and have yourself a great Thanksgiving.

M

thislonelygirl

there will always be a reason or a holliday ....do what you need to do for you and your kids. if you feel as though he shouldnt be there or that he is not sober then saying no is completely justified as you know jumping through hoops as im sure you did in the past for him is stressful and can really dampen a good time.
if you belive him and think that this reunion for the hollidays is good for your children and i kind hand to your xah then thats reasonable also.
listen to your gut....if it fels wrong then it probably is