New and Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
New and Struggling
Hi, all. I'm new here. I'm reading through the "Classic Reading" board and other new member info in the "Friends and Family" section. I'm here because my boyfriend, with whom I live, is an alcoholic. When we met, he was sober for two years. We broke up, he began drinking again, and we got back together (I didn't realize he was back to drinking at the time). Since then he has been drinking on and off, in and out of meetings, etc. I now understand that I'm not supposed to stand in his way if he drinks (something I learned from "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet G. Woititz).
He's struggling with drinking, and not currently going to meetings. I know I can't make him go, and that it has to be his choice. But what I struggle most with is being lied to. He's not a liar about anything else; it's drinking related. I'm not sure if it's fair for me to expect him to confess when he's drinking. But I feel he should confide in me (because I don't react with anger, at least I try not to). But I worry that he'll hide it from me and in an effort to pretend he's not drunk, will drink outside the house, and then drive. I don't know how to deal with it. What my role should be. If he's lying to me, I feel hurt. I don't know how to move forward in our lives together - I guess that's what I hope to find here. I realize I need to start attending Al-Anon meetings, but I'm terrified. I'm emotional (especially when nervous) and I'm mostly afraid I'll walk into a meeting and just burst into tears. Very few people know he still drinks; I don't want my family to know, because I don't want to deal with their disapproval of staying with someone "bad" for me.
While I welcome any comments or feedback, I don't expect any. I just wanted to say hi and thanks in advance for all of the posts I'll be reading.
He's struggling with drinking, and not currently going to meetings. I know I can't make him go, and that it has to be his choice. But what I struggle most with is being lied to. He's not a liar about anything else; it's drinking related. I'm not sure if it's fair for me to expect him to confess when he's drinking. But I feel he should confide in me (because I don't react with anger, at least I try not to). But I worry that he'll hide it from me and in an effort to pretend he's not drunk, will drink outside the house, and then drive. I don't know how to deal with it. What my role should be. If he's lying to me, I feel hurt. I don't know how to move forward in our lives together - I guess that's what I hope to find here. I realize I need to start attending Al-Anon meetings, but I'm terrified. I'm emotional (especially when nervous) and I'm mostly afraid I'll walk into a meeting and just burst into tears. Very few people know he still drinks; I don't want my family to know, because I don't want to deal with their disapproval of staying with someone "bad" for me.
While I welcome any comments or feedback, I don't expect any. I just wanted to say hi and thanks in advance for all of the posts I'll be reading.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR.
There is lots of support & information here for you.
Unfortunately the alcoholic has to be willing to recover themselves & they are very good at lying, hiding & denial.
It is a good choice to go to a meeting & don't worry about the emotion you show, I'm sure they've all done that.
My suggestion is read as much as you can on alcoholism as it's been very helpful to me.
Others will be along shortly & offer advice.
There is lots of support & information here for you.
Unfortunately the alcoholic has to be willing to recover themselves & they are very good at lying, hiding & denial.
It is a good choice to go to a meeting & don't worry about the emotion you show, I'm sure they've all done that.
My suggestion is read as much as you can on alcoholism as it's been very helpful to me.
Others will be along shortly & offer advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you intend to stay with him...
...then let him be the boss of his drinking, and let you be the boss of you. And, most importantly, start attending Alanon meetings. Try at least six before deciding if you will continue.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
It's okay to cry at an Al-Anon meeting. People do it all the time. And I felt stupid walking in and sharing my story but it really does help immensely.
Also, if you are not sure about doing anything with the relationship, then don't. When you get tired of dealing with it, you will know. If you continue to be not sure about it for a while, that is fine, because you are working on yourself first, which should be the way it is.
Definitely get to a meeting. Don't talk for the first few if you don't want to, you will find that people have many things in common with you. You are not alone.
Also, if you are not sure about doing anything with the relationship, then don't. When you get tired of dealing with it, you will know. If you continue to be not sure about it for a while, that is fine, because you are working on yourself first, which should be the way it is.
Definitely get to a meeting. Don't talk for the first few if you don't want to, you will find that people have many things in common with you. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Dalawa, I've only been to one Alanon meeting, and I cried through most of it. It was fine, so don't worry about that. Honestly, those were some of the best tears I've cried. Nobody there is there 'cause they want to judge people.
I'm glad you found SR, although sorry for the circumstances that led you here. It's a wonderful resource - people here get it. Keep reading, and post, too! Support, advice, the occasional painfully blunt truth...good stuff.
I hate the dishonesty, too. It sucks.
I'm glad you found SR, although sorry for the circumstances that led you here. It's a wonderful resource - people here get it. Keep reading, and post, too! Support, advice, the occasional painfully blunt truth...good stuff.
I hate the dishonesty, too. It sucks.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you!
This is one of my favorite sticky posts. I followed these steps while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will reconsider your position on not sharing with your family. I found that I was keeping HIS secret, but I was the one that needed support. Reaching out for support from friends, family, Alanon, and SR are positive steps I did to help ME. When I became stronger from the support, I was able to face my fears.
Facing my fears is an active part of my recovery.
Keep reaching out, we care about YOU.
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you!
This is one of my favorite sticky posts. I followed these steps while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will reconsider your position on not sharing with your family. I found that I was keeping HIS secret, but I was the one that needed support. Reaching out for support from friends, family, Alanon, and SR are positive steps I did to help ME. When I became stronger from the support, I was able to face my fears.
Facing my fears is an active part of my recovery.
Keep reaching out, we care about YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi dalawa,
Thank you for sharing. I had a lot of trouble with the lies when I was with my XABF of three years. We, too, were on and off and he lived with me. I used to go to AA meetings with him very regularly until he relapsed. I heard something interesting in the AA meetings: if I continue to lie and sugar coat what is going on with him then I am buying into this false reality myself and allowing him to continue to live in his lie as well. If people know the truth, they can decide what they want to do with it and the more he is confronted with the truth, the more he will have to eventually face reality rather than continue to live in his fantasy world where he doesn't have a problem. I had never thought about it that way and thought I was being encouraging and supportive by continuing to tell him he could do it and buying into it.
In regards to the lies, I eventually reached a point where I decided I was worth the truth, I deserved to be with someone who I could trust and I left. I got tired of living in this fantasy world in which we both were in denial that he was sober, that he was indeed taking life seriously, and we would get married. I wanted my fantasy to come true so bad that even after he relapsed and lied about it, I continued to believe him. I was in horrible denial. It got tiring because in addition to the lies, he starting isolating himself, ignoring me, and I could not put up the act any longer. Not only were the lies bad, now we were no longer communicating, intimate, or even close. We were like two complete strangers and when I realized that what I wanted and what I had were completely different, I had to cut it.
I hope you go to an Al-Anon meeting. I'm still new to Al-Anon myself so I sit in the back and listen. I'm working my courage to share and hopefully soon I can. Keep coming back to SR! We are all here for you. Hopefully through hearing our stories, it can help you.
Thank you for sharing. I had a lot of trouble with the lies when I was with my XABF of three years. We, too, were on and off and he lived with me. I used to go to AA meetings with him very regularly until he relapsed. I heard something interesting in the AA meetings: if I continue to lie and sugar coat what is going on with him then I am buying into this false reality myself and allowing him to continue to live in his lie as well. If people know the truth, they can decide what they want to do with it and the more he is confronted with the truth, the more he will have to eventually face reality rather than continue to live in his fantasy world where he doesn't have a problem. I had never thought about it that way and thought I was being encouraging and supportive by continuing to tell him he could do it and buying into it.
In regards to the lies, I eventually reached a point where I decided I was worth the truth, I deserved to be with someone who I could trust and I left. I got tired of living in this fantasy world in which we both were in denial that he was sober, that he was indeed taking life seriously, and we would get married. I wanted my fantasy to come true so bad that even after he relapsed and lied about it, I continued to believe him. I was in horrible denial. It got tiring because in addition to the lies, he starting isolating himself, ignoring me, and I could not put up the act any longer. Not only were the lies bad, now we were no longer communicating, intimate, or even close. We were like two complete strangers and when I realized that what I wanted and what I had were completely different, I had to cut it.
I hope you go to an Al-Anon meeting. I'm still new to Al-Anon myself so I sit in the back and listen. I'm working my courage to share and hopefully soon I can. Keep coming back to SR! We are all here for you. Hopefully through hearing our stories, it can help you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Arlington, Virginia
Posts: 12
Hi Dalawa -
As you read through the posts on SR you will find that lying is a common trait with alcoholics. I was shocked at the lies I was told by my exabf. I didn't even realize the extent of the lying until he was gone. If your bf is lying about how much or when he drinks, he might not be truthful about other things.
In your post your said you didn't want your friends or parents to know the extent of drinking he was doing. I did the same thing with my friends and family because I knew they would tell me to get out of the relationship. Since breaking up with him I have learned to trust the judgement of my friends and family and I know I will never date anyone again who I would "hide" from them. Sometimes the people who love us can see clearly what we cannot.
This is just my opinion and I know you will learn much from the people who post here.
As you read through the posts on SR you will find that lying is a common trait with alcoholics. I was shocked at the lies I was told by my exabf. I didn't even realize the extent of the lying until he was gone. If your bf is lying about how much or when he drinks, he might not be truthful about other things.
In your post your said you didn't want your friends or parents to know the extent of drinking he was doing. I did the same thing with my friends and family because I knew they would tell me to get out of the relationship. Since breaking up with him I have learned to trust the judgement of my friends and family and I know I will never date anyone again who I would "hide" from them. Sometimes the people who love us can see clearly what we cannot.
This is just my opinion and I know you will learn much from the people who post here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi there,
The lying is incredibly difficult... mine would lie about both drinking and smoking. It is difficult to not take it personally, but when confronted he said he didn't want me to know the truth because he knew I would be upset. Ultimately it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust and are always worried about. And you can't do anything to make him quit. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want, because he will do whatever he wants and you will become a basket case.
Axbf and I broke up a few months ago, it was very painful as we had been together for 3 years and I loved him. But we broke up once before in 2010 and he had promised me he would not smoke and only drink in moderation, and do something about his anger problem. But all of the behaviors came back and I could not deal with it, I was constantly stressed out and I felt betrayed and disrespected.
I broke things off with him, and then he said he was leaving me because of "my problems" which is ridiculous, but again, another lie he can tell so he feels good about himself and doesn't have to admit to himself or his friends that he's an alcoholic. Classic denial. :-/
The lying is incredibly difficult... mine would lie about both drinking and smoking. It is difficult to not take it personally, but when confronted he said he didn't want me to know the truth because he knew I would be upset. Ultimately it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust and are always worried about. And you can't do anything to make him quit. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want, because he will do whatever he wants and you will become a basket case.
Axbf and I broke up a few months ago, it was very painful as we had been together for 3 years and I loved him. But we broke up once before in 2010 and he had promised me he would not smoke and only drink in moderation, and do something about his anger problem. But all of the behaviors came back and I could not deal with it, I was constantly stressed out and I felt betrayed and disrespected.
I broke things off with him, and then he said he was leaving me because of "my problems" which is ridiculous, but again, another lie he can tell so he feels good about himself and doesn't have to admit to himself or his friends that he's an alcoholic. Classic denial. :-/
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