Detaching vs communicating
 

I know I've been away for 2 years but I'm struggling on how to communicate with ah. My 12 yo just told my 18 yo that he say a search for bars. This is an eye opener for me to evaluate whether I want to stick with this or contemplate a separation. I don't have a plan because I haven't decided. Nothing overwhelming has happened it was this trigger about 12 yo's slow realization that something is going on.

No dramatic fights going on but it has been about 2 years since we discussed his alcoholism. Do I tell him I'm evaluating whether it makes sense to stay together, do I tell him it would help immensely if I was convinced he was committed to recovery (he was sober for 20 years), or do I wait for some dramatic event or wait until I make a final decision and just ask him to leave.

I feel like the quiet co-existence coupled with the desire to detach is completely confusing me on how/if to communicate my feelings to ah. I want to say that I KNOW he is drinking, I would hope that returning to aa would be an option he could explore before I quietly just have his bags packed at the door. It is too quiet yet I've made no decisions yet haven't talked about his alcoholism. I am not sure what to say if at all. Do I develop a plan with no communication? I'm confused!

The biggest thing to remember is that you don't have to decide tonight. There are no immediate crises, so you have time to sift through it all.

Possible things to consider: How are you feeling with things in general in the marriage? Does your son know that you know what he saw? Have you considered counseling for yourself as you work through it? You know he's drinking, so you pretty much have your answer about how committed he is to recovery at this point. How do YOU feel about this? If you speak with him, what are your expectations of the conversation? Are they about him or about yourself?

My husband started drinking again this year after 18 years sober/dry. I met him when he was a year sober. I'm still REALLY in the confused stage myself. He was sneaking alcohol, then I asked him and he told me point-blank that yes, he was drinking. Since then it's been open, but I know that there has often been more consumed than I've seen. That's slowed down and I'm trying not to get my hopes up. That expectation thing, you know?

I feel for you. It's hard to know what way to go.

Personally, I would develop 2 plans. One, the real thing, in case there is no drama, and two, the contingency plan, so if the drama does occur, you know what you are doing.

Practice the contingency plan more often, because if something does happen, you need to be clearheaded enough to know what you are doing.

What would be your motivation for sharing this with him now?

You don't have to answer on the forum. Just think about what your motivation is for wanting to share.

For me, if I am hoping to cause a reaction ~ I need to rethink my plan.

Sorry if I'm confused, what is it you're trying to communicate to him?