Redapples

I can't win!

If you know me via threads you know I have put myself through hell with this guy!

I recently decided to do no contact with him because I feel like I do not see clearly when I am around him. Everything is cloudy I wanted to see how I felt without him in the picture. So I explained to him what I was looking for.

I would not answer the phone when he called the first couple of days. He would leave messages. Then he would call at strange times and not leave messages. I went to his house yesterday and holy crap this guy was loaded. Like wtf is he doing??? This is my fault I can't win if I stay with him I go through his depression, drug abuse, nasty kid. If I leave then I abandon him and he may drink himself to death or start doing drugs again and he is on anti depressents.

He told me he wasn't man enough for me. He was giving me nasty looks. He was upset because I didn't want to go out to dinner with him last week. I was ticked off because the last two years he didn't celebrate birthdays this was when he spent his money on cocaine. All of a sudden he wants to take me out?

The relationship was going down hill he didn't want to see his mental health doctor, he wasn't going to AA and and didn't want to. I love this guy I really do. I wouldn't be there if I didn't. Or at least I think that is the reason. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. Still trying to figure all this out. I am completely stressed out. I can't cry because it causes me to lose my breath I become so overwhelmed I feel like my throat is closing up. I don't know what to do...I am going to start alanon on Thursday but I need help today!!

CentralOhioDad

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. But, I'm going to be blunt: 1) You CAN win - by taking care of yourself and worrying about who you are and that you matter, and that you are SPECIAL! 2) If he drinks himself to death then that's his issue - chances are he'll do that whether you are around or not. You've been here long enough - remember the "3 C's".

Save yourself, and let him save or destroy himself on his own terms. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself? I don't think so.

Be good to yourself and run away from him as fast as you can.

Peace,
C-OH Dad

BlueSkies1

Addiction is a strong fighter. Never under-estimate the power of addiction. It will cause his mind to blame you, and go on a full pity party for himself.
Therefore, realize what it is, for what it is.
He's quacking as we say here. Spewing anything to try to divert the attention off his addiction and blame you so that he won't have to look in the mirror.
Have no mercy. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't enable or coddle him. Don't feel badly about yourself.
That was his addiction talking, and it wants to win the fight. So far it is winning. So separate yourself from the madness. in order not to go mad yourself.

wynter

My heart goes out to you. Seems like these things just keep goin...I reiterate, NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't get sucked back in. Walk away. as hard as it is, you can't allow this back in your life. Sheer madness..SAVE YOURSELF.

Rosiepetal

This is NOT your fault.
Yes you love him.
Yes you want to help him.
NO you can't.
He has to do it for himself honey.
I know its real hard as I've recently left my xabf but he is still drinking & just moved on to a new partner straight away. I still love him but I can't help him anymore.
You should not have to continue to struggle.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, many of us are exactly the same.
Big hugs to you.
We are here for you.
Keep posting.

m1k3

As a good friend of mine here pointed out to me a long time ago.

No contact means no contact.

If you are no contact it doesn't matter what he is doing because you won't know.

Your friend,

Redapples

You are right everyone and Mike if I did not go there yesterday I would have never known he was drinking. You should have seen the dirty looks he gave me. Drunks to me are nasty looking when they are drunk. He went to the bathroom three times I was there and into the living room I could hear him unscrew the cap of the bottle and he came out and his lips were wet. I asked him about it. lol He denied he was drinking OMG I told him to call me when he gets sober. It may never happen but I am going to al anon on Thursday to see if I can get help. I need the help to deal with my childhood issues and why I am continually drawn to addicts. I need a serious kick in the arse.

m1k3

Red, no contact is for your benefit.

For me it me it was a chance to focus on myself, my recovery and getting my life back together. It was the start of healing for me. I have been separated from my AW for about 20 months now and I have spent as much of those 20 months in no contact as possible. Being out of the chaos and confusion and anger gave me a chance to settle down, find my center and to begin to start living my life for me.

Your friend,

SadHeart

Of course you can win. Leave. Then you don't have to go through his depression, drug abuse, nasty kid, drinking himself to death, perhaps starting drugs again, and abandoning himself.

Your staying or leaving will have NO EFFECT on any of those possibilities. He can drink himself to death and start drugs again even if you stay. You have NO POWER to make it happen or not happen. None, none, none.

He does however. But that's his business.

Your business is you. Do you enjoy his depression, drinking, drug abuse and nasty kid? Is experiencing those things good for you?

Maybe you are hung up on the word 'abandon'? That's his word isn't it? Why not substitute it with leave or 'move on'. You are just moving on to a better life. If he wants to clean himself up and join you, maybe you'll consider it--after he's proven himself worthy.

You aren't abandoning him. Everytime he drinks or drugs he's abandoning you and himself. If he's okay with abandoning himself, why shouldn't you be.

Sueski

By not abandoning him, are you abandoning yourself? Just a thought.

Deep breathing, as often as you can. Take care of yourself.

Redapples

Ok this is crazy. I was talking to my mom this evening God love her she's been through hell herself. Explaining to her what I did yesterday visiting John after I was determined to go through No Contact to find out he was loaded. I said to her because I broke off the relationship when he hadn't been drinking he could not take it and started drinking. She told me he was waiting for an excuse and I gave him one. She also mentioned to me about his coke addiction I had no play in that I never knew about it until last July by that time he was doing it 1yr 8mths.

I also mentioned this to a friend of mine who gave up drinking 20 some odd years ago. He told me it was no excuse for him to start drinking. When this happened he had a choice he could have thought about it and waited or he could drink. He chose to drink not my fault.

I don't need the guilt but I am putting so much of it on myself. It's really making me sick.

TakingCharge999

Sorry, I did not read the entire thread, but are you going to therapy? you do not have to deal with all this alone. I am always afraid before a therapy session but I always leave feeling better afterwards, even if it was a hard session.

This is from the Classic reading section:


What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

Redapples

Yes I have read that so many times. Ironically enough my boyfriends name is John haha. He called this morning his brother is taking him to detox or he is being admitted into mental health. I told him it was great he was trying to get help. He asked if I would be there when he got out? I told him to think about getting better. He said he loved me told him I love him too. Which I do. I am going to al anon tomorrow evening I am on a three month waiting list for counselling...good thing I am not suicidal. In the mean time I will continue to do what I can to keep sane. Pray he finally gets the help he needs with depression and his addictions.

SparkleKitty

Redapples, I think you handled that call and that question very well. You should be proud of yourself.

SadHeart

Are you doing no contact or not?

No contact would be no visits and no phone calls. No contact would be not even knowing that he's going back to rehab.

No contact creates a lot of anxiety at first, you are so used to filling your mind with him, him, him, and his drama, and his lies and his promises. When you go no contact after a short period you don't have that anymore, there's no new imput of drama and information. There's nothing to ruminate on, nothing to distract yourself with.

It can be very anxiety provoking. Unwelcome thoughts can push in: things you haven't wanted to think about for years, feelings you don't like. You have to find other things to think about, and sometimes you look around your life to find something--and don't like what you see. Sometimes you miss the drama and martyrdom. Or maybe you feel empty--if you need to be needed and no one needs you, what are you? Nothing?

So you try to fill up your mind with him even though you have no new information, and you fill it up by saying: he's drinking, he's out with other women, he's driiving drunk...you begin to awfulize. Surely he NEEDS you right? What if he doesn't, what if he was so shocked by no contact he got sober and is now the perfect man you've always dreamed of. What if you made a mistake? (note, how the mind can convince you you've made a mistake whether he does well in no contact or he does badly).

And there he is ringing your phone, leaving messages, sending texts, having his mother or brother or best friend call, needing the one thing he left at your apartment, or wanting the number to that rehab program, or needing to talk about the phone bill, or what is the insurance number.

So you figure you HAVE to discuss it, it's only decent. Or you pick up the phone 'by mistake'--and there you are sucked right back in.

But if you can muscle through the initial discomfort of no contact, if you start filling your mind with thoughts about other things, maybe friends or projects or a new book or taking the kids to the zoo as you've been meaning to for ages, after a short while, you realize you don't WANT to go back to thinking about him and his drama, and whether he's drinking or not, and what is a lie and what isn't, and having to decide if he means it this time, and what does he really mean anyway 'deep down'.

You miss him--sort of, but...gosh, this is nice, living without all the drama and having nice thoughts and feelings, and peace and predictability. And sooner or later you hear he got another DUI or he was rolled in the bar parking lot and some thugs took $400 off him--and you don't care; it's too bad and all, but who couldn't see it coming? You might hear he's got another girlfriend, and you feel sorry for her and know if you wait long enough you'll hear that they've broken up (or that she's a drunk too).

And your house will be clean and your friends start coming back and you have a lot of activities on your social calendar, and you start a new hobby (I took up scuba diving) and you make more friends, and then there's an opportunity to do something cool or a better job because of your new outward look at life instead of always being focused inward and on him where you used to miss opportunities.

No contact isn't the answer to all problems. You can go no contact with drunk A, and quickly hook up with drunk B. But no contact and self awareness really is the magic pill to heal your life. It's a big pill, and tastes bitter, but it really is a magic pill if you can just manage to get it down.

(the 'you' in the example is the editorial you, not referring just to the OP)

Punkin50

Have you ever noticed with any alcholic, it's all about "ME?" You did not go to dinner with ME! Alcholics have a problem, yes they do, but they are also self centered and want pity all the time. They don't stop to think about the ones that put up with their drunk a@@ all the time. And ask yourself, do I really love him, or do I really wish he would have a good life? And I am asking this question to myself as well. Look in the mirror and realize what a beautiful person God has created and realize you can have a wonderful life if YOU chose to. Let him go and make a good life for yourself.

Redapples

I have never trusted anyone to be my friend except John because we knew each other before we became a couple. We use to beable to talk, argue joke around until I found out about his coke addiction. Then it became a serious trust issue.

I have acquaintances, but no actual friends. Most people around here (where I live) are to nosey to talk to and they like to spread gossip. I do love John very much I hate his addiction. I hate how I feel when I don't trust him and the fact he has betrayed my trust. I can only hope he gets what he needs. He really needs to deal with his depression that is paramount to his recovery from alcohol and drug abuse.

blackandblue

great post about no contact- sad heart

i have fallen into the trap many times... i got to the point where when i would talk to him that i was actually confused about how i ended up on the phone again... then i would sit on the phone and wonder if he thought i actually believed what he was saying... no contact at times has been painful... and i truly believe part of it is that during no contact we have to sit with the silence of reality... and we have to go there to heal... i have to remind myself on the daily that i never want to go back there...

dollydo

I thought that you were no contact...what happened?

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and nothing will change unless he decides to get sober. It's comlpletely out of your hands, there is nothing you can do or say that will stop somoeone from drinking. So you must ask yourself how far down you want to go with this. Both codependence and alcoholism are riddled with denial. Sometimes the drama leads us to believe it's about love but that's not what's going on. I hope Alanon helps a great deal ... it certainly worked wonders for me.