What The Heck Kind Of Sponsor Is This?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
What The Heck Kind Of Sponsor Is This?
Forgive me for bringing this up again.
But I have to ask a question?
As I have stated in previous threads my XAGF left me when she started a new relationship while in sober living two weeks out of rehab.
Her new man is also in early recovery at sober living.
A mutual friend ran into my XAGF and her sponsor at an AA meeting.
When our friend was introduced to my XAGF's sponsor the sponsor said can we not be happier for her?
She has found true love and sobriety both at the same time. (She just got 90 days.)
Her higher power is working for her in all kinds of magical ways.
Our friend was shocked!
Our friend is 18 years sober. And has been really upset at the choices my XAGF has been making.
So with all of the pitfalls known with romance in early recovery,
what kind of sponsor would condone her relationship?
Especially to refer to it as true love!
I know that I should be done with her. And this should be none of my concern,
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
But I have to ask a question?
As I have stated in previous threads my XAGF left me when she started a new relationship while in sober living two weeks out of rehab.
Her new man is also in early recovery at sober living.
A mutual friend ran into my XAGF and her sponsor at an AA meeting.
When our friend was introduced to my XAGF's sponsor the sponsor said can we not be happier for her?
She has found true love and sobriety both at the same time. (She just got 90 days.)
Her higher power is working for her in all kinds of magical ways.
Our friend was shocked!
Our friend is 18 years sober. And has been really upset at the choices my XAGF has been making.
So with all of the pitfalls known with romance in early recovery,
what kind of sponsor would condone her relationship?
Especially to refer to it as true love!
I know that I should be done with her. And this should be none of my concern,
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Wow, yeah I can see how that would be emotional and confusing. I dont really know what to advise. She obviously cant be all that clear headed so early into recovery....? And how would her sponsor know if it was true love while still in the honeymoon phase? Sorry this isnt much help...I would just be confused too!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This is all none of your business anymore. I know it is painful and frustrating but the more you can distance yourself from all the news and intricacies of her Stuff, the easier it will be to move forward. You can ask your mutual friends not to share things you know will get you wound up right now. That's something nice you can do for yourself right this minute.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
I know that I should be done with her. And this should be none of my concern,
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
You don't want to base your self worth on whether or not strangers think some alcoholic is lucky to have you in their lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Windancer
And how would her sponsor know if it was true love while still in the honeymoon phase?
What a sponsor says to others doesn't matter and is usually meaningless.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by SadHeart
Sponsors are not psychological professionals with any training at all in relationships. AA sponsors are people a further along on the recovery path. Sometimes only a little, sometimes a lot. Most have no training, and sometimes sponsors are in relapse even as they are sponsoring.
What a sponsor says to others doesn't matter and is usually meaningless.
What a sponsor says to others doesn't matter and is usually meaningless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
You are all right.
And between this site and going to an Al Anon meeting today I will get past this.
I do also need to let everyone know that I do not want to hear anything more about her.
But I have felt so betrayed by all this.
And the thought of her standing next to her sponsor listening to her sponsor spout off how wonderful this all is feels like getting hit in the gut all over again.
I have no doubt that in time none of this will matter.
And even though I have made tremendous strides, news like this still hurts.
And between this site and going to an Al Anon meeting today I will get past this.
I do also need to let everyone know that I do not want to hear anything more about her.
But I have felt so betrayed by all this.
And the thought of her standing next to her sponsor listening to her sponsor spout off how wonderful this all is feels like getting hit in the gut all over again.
I have no doubt that in time none of this will matter.
And even though I have made tremendous strides, news like this still hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Just like Windancer said, they are just feelings. It's OK to feel them, it's OK to be sad, angry and hurt. Just let them go when you are done. There isn't any need to hang on to them.
And at some point you are going to realize that you hardly ever have these feelings about your X anymore as you have moved on with your life and she is nothing more than a memory with no power to hurt you anymore.
Your friend,
And at some point you are going to realize that you hardly ever have these feelings about your X anymore as you have moved on with your life and she is nothing more than a memory with no power to hurt you anymore.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ok, she threw you under the bus and went for someone who also shares the shame of having been an alcoholic. You, I assume, do not share that. Now they are each other's new drug, new high.
Her sponsor will say anything that is positive to help keep her sober. Her sponsor doesn't want to be negative, which she would then reject her sponsor, and throw the sponsor under the bus too. For the sponsor, this is a quest to try to help keep her sober, as a personal achievement for the sponsor. That does play into all this. The sponsor has a goal too. Negativity helps an alcoholic to relapse, common sense, right? If , no, when this relationship blows up, both will probably return to the bottle. They are not processing their past and learning from it. She can't possibly be into deep thought about what went wrong when she is high on a new drug-her new man. Impossible because every chance her mind gets to focus on the high of the new drug--it is. She's probably the most upbeat person at the meetings.
Whether an alcoholic or not, when a relationship ends we all have to process what went wrong, and recreate ourselves, our new identity, separate, alone, from the relationship that ended. Whenever any person starts a new relationship without processing the baggage of the last relationship, that is called unfinished business. That is why it is a bad choice to start a new relationship before dealing with unfinished business, because then we carry around what is called baggage. We haven't healed. We haven't looked in the mirror.
Her sobriety hangs precariously on the edge of the failure or success of this new relationship. That is no recipe for success, because her sobriety is reliant on this new relationship, instead of standing alone as her own person.
You know all this. You are trying to work out with your heart something that needs to be worked out with your head. Stop obsessing. You can see she has given up alcohol, but has chosen a new drug instead. Her baggage is still with her--whatever baggage led her to drink excessively in the first place. She has avoided completely the down time, sober somber reality of getting sober, and opted to stay high. It's logical in a way. She has avoided the depression of being sober that one must go through to get to the next stage--acceptance and starting to pull herself back up on her own merit.
What she has avoided is very painful indeed. That relationship started no doubt very early in her recovery. Now she doesn't have to look at herself because she is looking at him.
Her sponsor will say anything that is positive to help keep her sober. Her sponsor doesn't want to be negative, which she would then reject her sponsor, and throw the sponsor under the bus too. For the sponsor, this is a quest to try to help keep her sober, as a personal achievement for the sponsor. That does play into all this. The sponsor has a goal too. Negativity helps an alcoholic to relapse, common sense, right? If , no, when this relationship blows up, both will probably return to the bottle. They are not processing their past and learning from it. She can't possibly be into deep thought about what went wrong when she is high on a new drug-her new man. Impossible because every chance her mind gets to focus on the high of the new drug--it is. She's probably the most upbeat person at the meetings.
Whether an alcoholic or not, when a relationship ends we all have to process what went wrong, and recreate ourselves, our new identity, separate, alone, from the relationship that ended. Whenever any person starts a new relationship without processing the baggage of the last relationship, that is called unfinished business. That is why it is a bad choice to start a new relationship before dealing with unfinished business, because then we carry around what is called baggage. We haven't healed. We haven't looked in the mirror.
Her sobriety hangs precariously on the edge of the failure or success of this new relationship. That is no recipe for success, because her sobriety is reliant on this new relationship, instead of standing alone as her own person.
You know all this. You are trying to work out with your heart something that needs to be worked out with your head. Stop obsessing. You can see she has given up alcohol, but has chosen a new drug instead. Her baggage is still with her--whatever baggage led her to drink excessively in the first place. She has avoided completely the down time, sober somber reality of getting sober, and opted to stay high. It's logical in a way. She has avoided the depression of being sober that one must go through to get to the next stage--acceptance and starting to pull herself back up on her own merit.
What she has avoided is very painful indeed. That relationship started no doubt very early in her recovery. Now she doesn't have to look at herself because she is looking at him.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
This type of sharing info thru third parties falls under dysfunctional triangle of relating- I read about it in book by Harriet Lerner "Dance of Anger". Its best to relate face to face and talk directly to people-when someone talks to me about someone else who is not with me at the moment I think its gossip. The litmus test: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? Does sharing the information help anyone in any way? Is the person sharing the information with you doing so out of a concern for you? Does the info build you up or tear you down? What has been accomplished as a result of sharing the info?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thanks MadeOf Glass,
My XAGF is her sponsor's very first sponsee. So your words make sense.
She probably feels a lot of pressure to be as successful with her as she can.
My XAGF has very deep seated problems with her father. Who is also an alcoholic.
When she finished rehab they suggested she continue to seek therapy.
I was her first non addict boyfriend.
Her therapist told me that if our relationship had any chance of working out in the long run she would need to work out her issues with men.
Especially her father.
When I asked her what her therapist thought of her leaving me and immediately starting a new relationship?
She told me that she stopped seeing her.
So you are right.
She has no desire or is just not capable of facing her demons right now.
Whether it be the symptom, her alcoholism. Or the underlining issues that drive her to drink she is in no position right now for a healthy relationship with me or anyone else.
And being that I am powerless over her I must get myself healthy.
I must and I will move on.
I will take care of myself.
My XAGF is her sponsor's very first sponsee. So your words make sense.
She probably feels a lot of pressure to be as successful with her as she can.
My XAGF has very deep seated problems with her father. Who is also an alcoholic.
When she finished rehab they suggested she continue to seek therapy.
I was her first non addict boyfriend.
Her therapist told me that if our relationship had any chance of working out in the long run she would need to work out her issues with men.
Especially her father.
When I asked her what her therapist thought of her leaving me and immediately starting a new relationship?
She told me that she stopped seeing her.
So you are right.
She has no desire or is just not capable of facing her demons right now.
Whether it be the symptom, her alcoholism. Or the underlining issues that drive her to drink she is in no position right now for a healthy relationship with me or anyone else.
And being that I am powerless over her I must get myself healthy.
I must and I will move on.
I will take care of myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
There you go...focus back where it belong...on YOU!
I understand completely wanting to sort out this pain, and focusing on her behavior. It's so easy to do, we make the mistake of looking at them to determine our own self worth. That's the path to depression.
No one person on this earth is the assessment of our worth. We must find self worth. It is a shaky quivering road. Alcoholics must go through the exact same process when they find sobriety or end a relationship.
Stand tall. Do not fear being alone. Embrace it for awhile. Ask that question--who am I, alone? And then prove yourself to yourself as a good person, achiever, and live that life you can be proud of.
I understand completely wanting to sort out this pain, and focusing on her behavior. It's so easy to do, we make the mistake of looking at them to determine our own self worth. That's the path to depression.
No one person on this earth is the assessment of our worth. We must find self worth. It is a shaky quivering road. Alcoholics must go through the exact same process when they find sobriety or end a relationship.
Stand tall. Do not fear being alone. Embrace it for awhile. Ask that question--who am I, alone? And then prove yourself to yourself as a good person, achiever, and live that life you can be proud of.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by soexhausted
Her therapist told me that if our relationship had any chance of working out in the long run she would need to work out her issues with men.
Especially her father.
When I asked her what her therapist thought of her leaving me and immediately starting a new relationship?
She told me that she stopped seeing her.
So you are right.
She has no desire or is just not capable of facing her demons right now.
Whether it be the symptom, her alcoholism. Or the underlining issues that drive her to drink she is in no position right now for a healthy relationship with me or anyone else.
Especially her father.
When I asked her what her therapist thought of her leaving me and immediately starting a new relationship?
She told me that she stopped seeing her.
So you are right.
She has no desire or is just not capable of facing her demons right now.
Whether it be the symptom, her alcoholism. Or the underlining issues that drive her to drink she is in no position right now for a healthy relationship with me or anyone else.
Baffling to me, as it is to you, but to folks like these, it makes perfect sense.
Your therapist is right. This woman is emotionally unavailable. Nothing else matters aside from that. Time to let it go.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
It doesn't sound good....
But she is out of your life right now so I would highly recommend you try to stop caring about what she does. Easier said than done, I know. If you get Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" that was very helpful for me.
It is so difficult to let go... especially when you were hoping for a different outcome for the relationship. I was trying to check up on my ex recently and he just got angry at me. That hurt more than the not knowing would have. Just try to let go of the worrying and obsessing and focus your attention back on YOU.
I would also suggest you tell your mutual friends that you don't want to know how she is doing... it will get easier over time.
But she is out of your life right now so I would highly recommend you try to stop caring about what she does. Easier said than done, I know. If you get Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" that was very helpful for me.
It is so difficult to let go... especially when you were hoping for a different outcome for the relationship. I was trying to check up on my ex recently and he just got angry at me. That hurt more than the not knowing would have. Just try to let go of the worrying and obsessing and focus your attention back on YOU.
I would also suggest you tell your mutual friends that you don't want to know how she is doing... it will get easier over time.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ask this "mutual friend" not to tell you anything about this ex anymore.
I put a lot of distance between me and the mutual friends we have.
I made new friends, even and I could relax knowing they did not know XABF and couldn't care less, would never bring him up. In fact I realized they lived in a normal world without alcoholism nor toxic people and I realized how sick I was, suffering many weeks and months for someone who was not worth it. Just not worth it.
It took months for me to start disengaging, but starting to realize any news of XABF hurt ME, was progress.
Recovering from codependency starts with No Contact , just like for them it is staying sober. No Contact means no news from friends nor facebook peeks ... NOTHING!
It was for me very very hard but I was exhausted and I realized I had abandoned myself the whole time- missing red flags, believing lies, feeling I deserved morsels of attention, not leaving sooner, mourning alone for a longgggg time, listening to gossipers with no real goal but to add drama... feeling no one else understood me and that without XABF there was No Life.
Codependency is horrible, but once I decided I am a good person with a good heart -- I decided to no longer abandon myself.. to seek help.. to reach out.. to post here... to be aware of my mind.. to seek truths and reality, to stop dreaming and imagining things that hurt me... I decided I did not deserve to suffer and carry things that are not mine.
No one changes magically. If she ever recovers, for REAL, it will be a decision she makes for herself, not for anyone else. And this might not even happen.
In order to stop suffering, you have to go No contact and commit to it.
I put a lot of distance between me and the mutual friends we have.
I made new friends, even and I could relax knowing they did not know XABF and couldn't care less, would never bring him up. In fact I realized they lived in a normal world without alcoholism nor toxic people and I realized how sick I was, suffering many weeks and months for someone who was not worth it. Just not worth it.
It took months for me to start disengaging, but starting to realize any news of XABF hurt ME, was progress.
Recovering from codependency starts with No Contact , just like for them it is staying sober. No Contact means no news from friends nor facebook peeks ... NOTHING!
It was for me very very hard but I was exhausted and I realized I had abandoned myself the whole time- missing red flags, believing lies, feeling I deserved morsels of attention, not leaving sooner, mourning alone for a longgggg time, listening to gossipers with no real goal but to add drama... feeling no one else understood me and that without XABF there was No Life.
Codependency is horrible, but once I decided I am a good person with a good heart -- I decided to no longer abandon myself.. to seek help.. to reach out.. to post here... to be aware of my mind.. to seek truths and reality, to stop dreaming and imagining things that hurt me... I decided I did not deserve to suffer and carry things that are not mine.
No one changes magically. If she ever recovers, for REAL, it will be a decision she makes for herself, not for anyone else. And this might not even happen.
In order to stop suffering, you have to go No contact and commit to it.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
What kind of sponsor?????????? AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!
Please try not to dwell on it I know, easier said than done. Be glad she is your ex and you are out of it.
Please try not to dwell on it I know, easier said than done. Be glad she is your ex and you are out of it.
Originally Posted by soexhausted
Forgive me for bringing this up again.
But I have to ask a question?
As I have stated in previous threads my XAGF left me when she started a new relationship while in sober living two weeks out of rehab.
Her new man is also in early recovery at sober living.
A mutual friend ran into my XAGF and her sponsor at an AA meeting.
When our friend was introduced to my XAGF's sponsor the sponsor said can we not be happier for her?
She has found true love and sobriety both at the same time. (She just got 90 days.)
Her higher power is working for her in all kinds of magical ways.
Our friend was shocked!
Our friend is 18 years sober. And has been really upset at the choices my XAGF has been making.
So with all of the pitfalls known with romance in early recovery,
what kind of sponsor would condone her relationship?
Especially to refer to it as true love!
I know that I should be done with her. And this should be none of my concern,
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
But I have to ask a question?
As I have stated in previous threads my XAGF left me when she started a new relationship while in sober living two weeks out of rehab.
Her new man is also in early recovery at sober living.
A mutual friend ran into my XAGF and her sponsor at an AA meeting.
When our friend was introduced to my XAGF's sponsor the sponsor said can we not be happier for her?
She has found true love and sobriety both at the same time. (She just got 90 days.)
Her higher power is working for her in all kinds of magical ways.
Our friend was shocked!
Our friend is 18 years sober. And has been really upset at the choices my XAGF has been making.
So with all of the pitfalls known with romance in early recovery,
what kind of sponsor would condone her relationship?
Especially to refer to it as true love!
I know that I should be done with her. And this should be none of my concern,
but I had met her sponsor many times during her previous attempts to get sober.
And the last thing her sponsor said to me was how lucky she was to have me!
Now she is probably saying the same thing to the new guy.
Thanks I needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So sorry you're hurting.
It is normal to feel the way you do.
You are getting stronger each day & it will pass.
Yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but we are all here for you & you are doing just wonderful.
One day at a time my friend.
Big hugs & respect.
It is normal to feel the way you do.
You are getting stronger each day & it will pass.
Yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but we are all here for you & you are doing just wonderful.
One day at a time my friend.
Big hugs & respect.
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