What The Heck Kind Of Sponsor Is This?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by choublak 
Why is this even up for discussion between you and this "friend"? Shouldn't it stay in the rooms?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Would it be OK for an AlAnon mutual friend to take back stories to the alcoholics regarding who they met at the meeting, who they were with and what was said?
Also, If you are to heal from this, you can concentrate on yourself and not listen to gossip about your ex.
What happens if they actually do last and it is some variation of a working relationship?
How long are you going to let this be a part of your life?
Quite honestly, I have had no updates on my ex except for what we have talked about between us. When he starts acting like an ass as he is prone to do, I end the conversation. I wish him all the best. But, he was very, very bad for me.
Also, If you are to heal from this, you can concentrate on yourself and not listen to gossip about your ex.
What happens if they actually do last and it is some variation of a working relationship?
How long are you going to let this be a part of your life?
Quite honestly, I have had no updates on my ex except for what we have talked about between us. When he starts acting like an ass as he is prone to do, I end the conversation. I wish him all the best. But, he was very, very bad for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I think there's a bit of a theme here. You said you spoke to her therapist about your relationship with this girl and apparently the response was the girl needs to sort out her relationship with men. Why were you talking to her therapist? The discussions I have with my therapist/ addiction counsellor are between ourselves. I don't discuss them in this Forum or in the AA rooms and it is OUT OF THE QUESTION for the therapist to talk about me to anyone else in my family or friends. That's a really strict boundry. I don't see why a professional would have any need whatsoever to talk to a client's boyfriend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
An Update:
Our mutual friend called me today to apologize for passing on her interaction between her my XAGL and my XAGF's sponsor.
She said that she was so surprised to run into her at the meeting. (My XAGF lives an hour away.)
And she was so bothered by her sponsor's attitude that she had to call me and vent.
But in hindsight she now realizes I was probably the last person she should have called.
Not even taking into consideration of how upset I might be by this conversation.
It was nice of her to call me and apologize.
But whether or not she should have told me is not the issue.
Not to me anyway.
The issue is about me letting go!
I have been no contact with her for close to a month now. And I agree with you
TakingCharge999. I have to start going no contact all the way.
Since that day I have gone to an Al Anon meeting everyday.
And it has done me a world of good. I am in such a better place right now.
By working my Al Anon program and taking care of myself I will no longer have to tell
people not to talk to me about her.
Not because it will upset me, but because I just do not care!
Our mutual friend called me today to apologize for passing on her interaction between her my XAGL and my XAGF's sponsor.
She said that she was so surprised to run into her at the meeting. (My XAGF lives an hour away.)
And she was so bothered by her sponsor's attitude that she had to call me and vent.
But in hindsight she now realizes I was probably the last person she should have called.
Not even taking into consideration of how upset I might be by this conversation.
It was nice of her to call me and apologize.
But whether or not she should have told me is not the issue.
Not to me anyway.
The issue is about me letting go!
I have been no contact with her for close to a month now. And I agree with you
TakingCharge999. I have to start going no contact all the way.
Since that day I have gone to an Al Anon meeting everyday.
And it has done me a world of good. I am in such a better place right now.
By working my Al Anon program and taking care of myself I will no longer have to tell
people not to talk to me about her.
Not because it will upset me, but because I just do not care!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by m1k3
Sorry to be blunt but she's your X, so why do you care?
Your friend,
Your friend,
time for YOU and YOU only...do healthy things and do not get caught up in her choatic life of AA...(i wouldnt even start, NOT YOUR BUSINESS)
go to AL ANON...to sort things out, its a good place to be
ooh ya, and Melody Beattie: Co Dependent No More is a good read...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Seriously...
...your biggest problem, by far, is you.
EX means EX. Which means you disconnect from her permanently. Disconnect as in no communication and no information. MOVE ON. PUT YOUR FOCUS ON YOURSELF, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HAPPINESS.
If you are having trouble doing that, and I'd bet $1,000,000 that you are, please consider Alanon. If you already go to Alanon, please consider doubling the number of meetings you attend and, perhaps, working the steps with a sponsor.
Good Lord Man!
Cyranoak
EX means EX. Which means you disconnect from her permanently. Disconnect as in no communication and no information. MOVE ON. PUT YOUR FOCUS ON YOURSELF, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HAPPINESS.
If you are having trouble doing that, and I'd bet $1,000,000 that you are, please consider Alanon. If you already go to Alanon, please consider doubling the number of meetings you attend and, perhaps, working the steps with a sponsor.
Good Lord Man!
Cyranoak
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Just in case y'all hadn't read this ...
Thanks for the update too soexhausted.
Originally Posted by soexhausted
But whether or not she should have told me is not the issue.
Not to me anyway.
The issue is about me letting go!
I have been no contact with her for close to a month now. And I agree with you
TakingCharge999. I have to start going no contact all the way.
Since that day I have gone to an Al Anon meeting everyday.
And it has done me a world of good. I am in such a better place right now.
By working my Al Anon program and taking care of myself I will no longer have to tell
people not to talk to me about her.
Not because it will upset me, but because I just do not care!
Not to me anyway.
The issue is about me letting go!
I have been no contact with her for close to a month now. And I agree with you
TakingCharge999. I have to start going no contact all the way.
Since that day I have gone to an Al Anon meeting everyday.
And it has done me a world of good. I am in such a better place right now.
By working my Al Anon program and taking care of myself I will no longer have to tell
people not to talk to me about her.
Not because it will upset me, but because I just do not care!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by soexhausted
And she was so bothered by her sponsor's attitude that she had to call me and vent.
Mutual friend was bothered by the attitude of the sponsor of XAGF?
Why would that be any of her business?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by choublak
Let me get this straight.
Mutual friend was bothered by the attitude of the sponsor of XAGF?
Why would that be any of her business?
Mutual friend was bothered by the attitude of the sponsor of XAGF?
Why would that be any of her business?
Human beings are often interested in the lives of the other human beings they are involved with.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Also because the friend is in AA. What she heard this sponsor tell the X went against AA's 12 by 12 (page 119). It disrupted her serenity. So bothered was she that it made her neglect the fact that AA is to be anonymous (who one sees there, what one hears there) and what impact the disclosure could have on soexhausted. She later realized her wrong and promptly admitted it (Steps 10 & 9) to soexhausted and likely to the AA people too. To her credit.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Titanic
Also because the friend is in AA. What she heard this sponsor tell the X went against AA's 12 by 12 (page 119). It disrupted her serenity. So bothered was she that it made her neglect the fact that AA is to be anonymous (who one sees there, what one hears there) and what impact the disclosure could have on soexhausted. She later realized her wrong and promptly admitted it (Steps 10 & 9) to soexhausted and likely to the AA people too. To her credit.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Lulu39
Human beings are often interested in the lives of the other human beings they are involved with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Choublak,
As was stated by Lulu39 we are human beings. We have feelings and emotions.
Those of us who truly work a 12 step program try and follow the guidelines of the meetings and the steps.
But it is always "progress not perfection."
You would be hard pressed to find one of us in program who could claim to have never broken anonymity, gossiped or taking the inventory of another.
Our mutual friend was bothered by the sponsor because what my XAGF is doing is extremely dangerous to her sobriety.
And is hurtful to me.
So as someone who cares a great deal about both of us she reacted as a human being first. And a program person second.
My thread is about how this information made me feel.
Not on what or what not was appropriate for our friend to say.
Whether or not she should have passed along the information is for her to work out.
Of which she seems like she is.
This is not my concern.
My concern is taking care of myself.
Forgive me for saying this but you seem quick to pass judgement.
It makes me think of what I heard a speaker at an AA meeting say once.
"As you spend time in these rooms you will hear many with little recovery.
You will hear many breaking the rules and guidelines of AA.
You will hear many boasting about their sobriety while paying little attention to working the steps.
But before you take the time to criticize and pass judgment on where that person is in their recovery,
remember that this wasted effort is just hampering you with your own."
Just a thought my friend.
As was stated by Lulu39 we are human beings. We have feelings and emotions.
Those of us who truly work a 12 step program try and follow the guidelines of the meetings and the steps.
But it is always "progress not perfection."
You would be hard pressed to find one of us in program who could claim to have never broken anonymity, gossiped or taking the inventory of another.
Our mutual friend was bothered by the sponsor because what my XAGF is doing is extremely dangerous to her sobriety.
And is hurtful to me.
So as someone who cares a great deal about both of us she reacted as a human being first. And a program person second.
My thread is about how this information made me feel.
Not on what or what not was appropriate for our friend to say.
Whether or not she should have passed along the information is for her to work out.
Of which she seems like she is.
This is not my concern.
My concern is taking care of myself.
Forgive me for saying this but you seem quick to pass judgement.
It makes me think of what I heard a speaker at an AA meeting say once.
"As you spend time in these rooms you will hear many with little recovery.
You will hear many breaking the rules and guidelines of AA.
You will hear many boasting about their sobriety while paying little attention to working the steps.
But before you take the time to criticize and pass judgment on where that person is in their recovery,
remember that this wasted effort is just hampering you with your own."
Just a thought my friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by soexhausted
Choublak,
As was stated by Lulu39 we are human beings. We have feelings and emotions.
Those of us who truly work a 12 step program try and follow the guidelines of the meetings and the steps.
But it is always "progress not perfection."
You would be hard pressed to find one of us in program who could claim to have never broken anonymity, gossiped or taking the inventory of another.
Our mutual friend was bothered by the sponsor because what my XAGF is doing is extremely dangerous to her sobriety.
And is hurtful to me.
So as someone who cares a great deal about both of us she reacted as a human being first. And a program person second.
My thread is about how this information made me feel.
Not on what or what not was appropriate for our friend to say.
Whether or not she should have passed along the information is for her to work out.
Of which she seems like she is.
This is not my concern.
My concern is taking care of myself.
Forgive me for saying this but you seem quick to pass judgement.
It makes me think of what I heard a speaker at an AA meeting say once.
"As you spend time in these rooms you will hear many with little recovery.
You will hear many breaking the rules and guidelines of AA.
You will hear many boasting about their sobriety while paying little attention to working the steps.
But before you take the time to criticize and pass judgment on where that person is in their recovery,
remember that this wasted effort is just hampering you with your own."
Just a thought my friend.
As was stated by Lulu39 we are human beings. We have feelings and emotions.
Those of us who truly work a 12 step program try and follow the guidelines of the meetings and the steps.
But it is always "progress not perfection."
You would be hard pressed to find one of us in program who could claim to have never broken anonymity, gossiped or taking the inventory of another.
Our mutual friend was bothered by the sponsor because what my XAGF is doing is extremely dangerous to her sobriety.
And is hurtful to me.
So as someone who cares a great deal about both of us she reacted as a human being first. And a program person second.
My thread is about how this information made me feel.
Not on what or what not was appropriate for our friend to say.
Whether or not she should have passed along the information is for her to work out.
Of which she seems like she is.
This is not my concern.
My concern is taking care of myself.
Forgive me for saying this but you seem quick to pass judgement.
It makes me think of what I heard a speaker at an AA meeting say once.
"As you spend time in these rooms you will hear many with little recovery.
You will hear many breaking the rules and guidelines of AA.
You will hear many boasting about their sobriety while paying little attention to working the steps.
But before you take the time to criticize and pass judgment on where that person is in their recovery,
remember that this wasted effort is just hampering you with your own."
Just a thought my friend.
Since your concern is taking care of yourself, why not find some new people to talk to? People who have better things to talk about than what's going on with other people and their sponsors. This "mutual friend" of yours seems about as toxic as your XAGF, IMHO. Sometimes taking care of yourself involves "cleaning house" as far as the company you keep...
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