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Old 11-13-2012, 05:49 AM
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help me...

I haven't posted in awhile. AH and I are still separated, its been 6 months now. He's outwardly seeing his enabling young mistress who lives at home w.mommy and daddy while I struggle to do everything. He helps with $ but that's it. I have been through some major drama the past few months but I believe that wave is over and I. am just trying to heal. I have no family and my friends are tired of these talks...I just don't know why I can be doing all the right things like meetings for Alanon, therapy, journaling, working on me...then aH will do something awful and its like I forget all my coping skills. Sometimes I feel like life is just too painful and I will never get thru this...
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Old 11-13-2012, 06:22 AM
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You are so brave. You are asking great questions and trying to understand how to move forward in a healthy way. These setbacks are just that. Small steps backward. It's going to take time. If your friends are a little bit worn out, come here! Lots of here to offer support and understanding.

In the wake of my divorce I spent about a year in survival mode, just getting by. After that, the world opened up and it was amazing. You have that to look forward to.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:29 AM
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Sweetee, have you read Women Who Love Too Much (I forgot the author, just look it up on Amazon)? It may be a good resource to add to your list of newly developed coping skills.

If you expect your AH to act as he always does, it doesn't catch you off guard and surprise you when he does something "awful". Sounds as if maybe you haven't accepted the reality of that, so when he does something awful you get hurt by it. Better to be pleasantly surprised when he does something nice or kind then hurt and shocked when he acts badly toward you, right?

It's time to let go, hon. Time to let it be what it really is, and that the chances are slim to none anything is going to radically change for the better anytime soon, if ever. Better to face this now then continue to drag it out any longer. Obviously it is keeping you stuck and miserable.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:48 AM
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He helps with $. What else is he supposed to do? You aren't together anymore.
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Old 11-13-2012, 08:17 AM
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What are these things you struggle to do? Are you at home with children while he is out playing with a new mistress? If so, that would make anyone feel like they got the short end of the stick, like you have the responsibilty, and he gets to play.
Come here and tell us more whenever you need to. Don't exhaust your friends, you don't want to lose them because of it, so when you see them try to make sure that you also spend just as much time talking about their lives, and life in general.
But here you can obsess as much as you need to.
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Old 11-13-2012, 10:50 AM
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I guess I just expect him to clean up his physical and financial mess and help me with daughter. Because he gives $ doesn't mean that I'm not the one left holding the bag when it comes to raising her. I never have a break. I work, maintain bills and household...Meanwhile, everynight he does whatever he pleases. He is still an active A and I guess I just have to do what Tuffgirl said and expect nothing. He literally abandoned me and our life and family and I just have to "suck it up".
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Old 11-13-2012, 10:59 AM
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It's not "sucking it up" sweetee. It's accepting reality for what it is today. Sucking it up sounds as of you have no choices here, which you do. Plenty!

You are the one left to raise your child. And what a good thing that is! Is this the influence you want for her? I have been a single Mom since 2000. I have two girls. You're right, the only breaks you get are the ones you seek out for yourself. I work, go to school, maintain my own home, cars, take care of animals, and raise two kids, one who is now in college. Their Dad sends money when he can, plane tickets when he can. But everything else? It's on me.

And you know what? I have raised, by myself, two fine young women. Best accomplishment of my life. And worth every minute of it.

Sweetee, with all due respect, work on your gratitude for what you do have, instead of allowing yourself to wallow in what you believe you don't have. Every morning I say my "gratitudes" while I get ready for work. It really does work!
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:17 AM
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I come here for vent for support. What gives anyone the idea I am wallowing. I do what I am supposed to 99% of the time and because I need to vent 1% why am I being told "what else is he supposed to give other than $" and I'm "wallowing". I am a strong single mother doing what I need to. I am so sick of everyone right now...
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I guess I just expect him to clean up his physical and financial mess and help me with daughter. Because he gives $ doesn't mean that I'm not the one left holding the bag when it comes to raising her. I never have a break. I work, maintain bills and household...Meanwhile, everynight he does whatever he pleases. He is still an active A and I guess I just have to do what Tuffgirl said and expect nothing. He literally abandoned me and our life and family and I just have to "suck it up".
Here's the flipside to your situation: I wish my Wife WOULD find someone else and leave me with all the housework (which I do 90% of it now), the cleaning, the paying of bills, the cooking, etc. If she would just leave dear Son and I alone and not put me through the wondering what Wife will show up tonight - she sober one or the drunk one. Take the $$ and run, my dear - from my perspective you have a great situation. I don't get a break either, AND I have to put up with her crap.

Don't think I'm downplaying your feelings, I am not. Just giving you a different perspective.

Blessings,
C-OH Dad
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Old 11-13-2012, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I guess I just expect him to clean up his physical and financial mess and help me with daughter. Because he gives $ doesn't mean that I'm not the one left holding the bag when it comes to raising her. I never have a break. I work, maintain bills and household...Meanwhile, everynight he does whatever he pleases. He is still an active A and I guess I just have to do what Tuffgirl said and expect nothing. He literally abandoned me and our life and family and I just have to "suck it up".
I get what you're saying sweetie..... & in a normal situation what you are asking for isn't anything outrageous. Then you toss in the "A" card & all bets are off!

So, ask yourself this... In the condition he is in now, is he CAPABLE of being a good dad & helping with the responsibilities? I'm guessing not, otherwise you would still be together? Was he doing whatever he pleased even when you WERE together? If that is the case, can you look at it as a glass half-full instead of empty type of way? That maybe by keeping his distance he's actually doing you a favor?

I know that sounds odd & when you feel overwhelmed with responsibility & your ex is just off having fun the injustice is painful. But if he's still actively drinking & you've found a path to recovery then all the odds are stacked in your favor when you think long-term... you & DD can really move beyond all of this if you put the effort into your own program. Every time you want to scream from the frustrations he is causing you, take a moment to count your blessings instead. Maybe that will help you to diffuse those moments & see them for what they are - temporary.
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:30 PM
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We are here for you sweetie & will continue to be here for you.

I too am a single Mum of 2 girls & their father lives in a different country so no breaks for me either.

It is hard but as the children grow into young fine adults they have you to thank for raising them & their achievements through life produce the best proud moments ever.

Hugs to you.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:31 PM
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I guess I just expect him to clean up his physical and financial mess and help me with daughter. Because he gives $ doesn't mean that I'm not the one left holding the bag when it comes to raising her. I never have a break. I work, maintain bills and household...Meanwhile, everynight he does whatever he pleases. He is still an active A and I guess I just have to do what Tuffgirl said and expect nothing. He literally abandoned me and our life and family and I just have to "suck it up".
It's infuriating. It's heartbreaking. I have a child who is very, very high-maintenance and there are days when I would like to beat AXH with a meatcleaver for not being there in any way at all for his children, leaving me with the entire workload.

And like you, there are days I'm so tired I don't think I can do it.

I get that.

You know what helps? The kids. Knowing that I also reap the benefits of all the hard work when they snuggle up with me and want to just talk. When you laugh with them so that your belly aches.

It's hard in the valleys to remember that there are mountaintops. I've also had a lot of valleys lately. A lot of anger at AXH for making everything about him to such an extent that it's easier to not even involve him in IEP meetings and neuropsych appointments and God knows all.

It's hard. But it's the life we have. And we really have no choice but to keep going, so we might as well make the best of it, eh? And one of these days, behind the next turn, the sun will shine again. And if it doesn't -- well, we still have to keep going.

Lots of love to you. You sound so tired.
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Old 11-13-2012, 05:36 PM
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This is what TG was talking about...

This right here >>>
Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I come here for vent for support. What gives anyone the idea I am wallowing. I do what I am supposed to 99% of the time and because I need to vent 1% why am I being told "what else is he supposed to give other than $" and I'm "wallowing". I am a strong single mother doing what I need to. I am so sick of everyone right now...
...and it's not meant as anything but support. If you see it any other way it's because of the lenses through which you are viewing it, because I tell you now TG meant only to help you, and she phrased it far more nicely than I would've done.

And she was right about expectations too. Expectations for an alcoholic have only one outcome, and it's truly not rational to think they'll meet them (and I had a lot of expectations for my AW over the years so I'm referring to myself here as well). Somebody here once posted that expectations are just baby resentments. They were right.

If you can release yourself from him and just be thankful when the checks come, you'll have the potential to be happy. The only alternative is to resent him the rest of your life, and the only people hurt by that will be you and your beautiful child.

Take care. I mean that as the son of a single mother who raised me all by herself, with my dad only sending money.

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