bailey17

Today I recieved a message on facebook from a friend saying "i saw your ex is now in a relationship, are you doing ok" Well, I didn't know this because I blocked my ex on facebook awhile ago and hardly go on anymore. My friend felt really bad and apologized, but thats not why I am upset.

Well, one thing led to another, and I looked him up on facebook, and his new gf and had a big cry. This is awful. I posted recently that I had been feeling depressed. I started seeing a therapist.

I can't seem to get over him, I keep remembering the good times. This is like hell for me. I don't want to see him, I don't want to be with him, but yet I do. I was doing so well for a while, and I feel like I am in total relapse mode. I can't stop thinking about him, and wanting him back. BUT I DON'T want him back.. what is wrong with me??

I guess this is a vent but, I am really struggling. I guess I am upset because he just left me with all this garbage, all these unpaid bills and responsibilities. He left me to get drunk, and hook up with another drunk who will continue to enable his behavior when I wouldn't anymore. It's just so painful for me. I tried everything in my power to be a good person, to have morals, values, etc. and it just seems like I am the one suffering, alone. I am trying SO HARD to move on, but for some reason my emotions aren't in agreement. sheesh =(

mdkathy62

HI bailey17,

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. I wish I could do something that would make all the pain go away. I wish, I wish, I wish, and yet, I am struggling as well. I wouldn't say I want my ex back. I don't miss him in that way, but I just wish he would "get it". I wish I didn't have the urge to know what's going on in his life because when I find myself asking someone about it, or if someone mentions it, my whole day is ruined, and yet when they start telling me, whether I asked or not, I can tell them no...but I let them tell me. Then I crave to hear more. It sucks. I wish they could tell me that he realized he messed up. I wish they could tell me that he's doing everything he can to get better, but all I hear is that he's still drinking, still driving, and off saying nasty things about me. You are not alone. I along with others on SR are right here with you. It agitates me so much that their lives seem to go on so easily while we have to sit here and suffer every minute of every day.

bailey17

thank you, that is a lot how I am feeling. Like he is going on with his life, drinking and saying nasty things about me. it's so painful. but then again, i would choose to be me over him any day. I don't want to use alcohol to numb my feelings like he does. it still hurts though, and i want it to stop

ZiggyB

Hi
I would highly recommend you delete him from your FB so you're not tempted to check up on him. All it will do is make you feel worse.

I have no idea if axbf is seeing someone new, and if he was I would just feel sorry for her.

My guess is you are still obsessing about the ex because you haven't found anyone or anything to replace that void in your life. Now is a good time to focus on YOU - what are your goals, interests and dreams? Do you really want this guy to continue to have the power to make you miserable?

I've been in the same boat so I started seeing a therapist too and slowly I'm getting better. I do a lot of journaling and I think that helps too.

You have every right to be upset and I hope the therapy helps too! If you need to see about medication or try one of the natural ones like St. John's Wort.

Ms.TimmyV

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Although my situation isn't about a significant other (mine is family) I go through the same things sometimes. I think we all do when we choose to leave a dysfunctional relationship.

I just posted about this in the ACoA, so maybe through this, we can help each other!

My grandmother's funeral was this weekend. I chose not to go because it would have been a HUGE trigger for me, and I probably would have relapsed in a bunch of different ways, most notably going back to old behaviors and drinking and drugging. I said my peace to her in my own way, and moved on. Well, that was until I went of Facebook. A cousin of mine had posted a whole bunch of pictures of my entire family; family that came from far, far away to be at her memorial service. I live 15 minutes away. There were other pictures of the get together afterwards, and everyone looked so, happy isn't the right word, so I'll just go with content to be around one another. I began to question my decision, and asked myself if (and SR!) if I made the right choice.

I felt a way about it, I posted about it, and I've been reading around the forums a bit to reinforce my convictions Then I received a call from my cousin telling me the drama that went on behind the scenes; something I knew was going to happen. Although it was an important event, I'm glad I wasn't there.

You see, do not take what you see at face value. Have faith in knowing you made a choice for a reason. Sometimes we question our decisions, but you have to think back to why you made your choice in the first place. I have a journal, so I read my entries from when I was still involved with my family. You wanna talk about stressed out and crazy! Why would I wanna go back to that?!

I don't know if it helps, but it's just me, my husband and my kids. If anything were to happen to us, I have no idea what would happen to my kids. Even with that huge "what if" hanging over my head, I still made the choice to walk to give them best shot I can in life; I refuse to continue the cycle my family passed on to me. What's more important than that is I don't deserve (and neither do you!) to be treat less than the person I am.

In life there are going to be instances that will trigger the "what if" button, but we have to learn how to deal with it, and get passed it.

Well, that's my feelings on it. I hope this helps you.

mdkathy62

I have to keep telling myself that I didn't cause his addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. The best thing I can do for him is to not enable him, which I am doing. The more I try to control what happens to him, even if it is well-intentioned, the more I am hurting him. I have to keep telling myself that this is NOT my problem, that I have my own problems to deal with. I have to keep telling myself that if hearing about him ruins my day, then I CAN choose not to hear about him. I was doing so well for 3 weeks and suddenly I heard about him and I feel like I'm back at square one, but like the past three weeks, I have to keep moving on, I have to ignore him completely, not talk about him, not ask about him, just focus on ME.

We can do it bailey17. We HAVE to. The more we succumb to missing them, the more we are acting like how they act when they miss alcohol. My ex was amazing when he was sober, and similarly I feel amazing when I am away from him. My friends have even noted the difference, that I sound stronger, more confident, and am happier without him. It's crazy that we can be addicted to someone, but we have to find happiness within ourselves. The alcoholic is not happy with themselves and can, therefore, never make us happy either.

We can do it...one day at a time. I have to tell myself these things everyday, every hour, sometimes every minute.

SparkleKitty

I think it's Dr. Phil who says something like, "You aren't missing your relationship, you're missing the relationship you WISH you had." Or maybe I read I that on here, I don't know. I am sorry you are hurting. Sending you strength.

bailey17

Thank you... I started to realize that I drastically changed the way I think while I was in the relationship with him. I knew something was wrong when we first started dating, but I used a lot of denial in order to make the relationship work. I told myself his drinking wasn't so bad. I told myself that I deserved it, when he got drunk and called me names. I did this for 3+ years and I think I still believe my own lies. That's part of the reason why I got a therapist, to help me see myself for who I am. I have pretty low self esteem as a result of the relationship. I am hurting but today is better. Thank you all for your responses. Anything helps.

itsmylifenow

Aw honey, I have been where you are.

Right after xabf and I broke up I was at a Coda meeting and the topic was self esteem. I started talking about mine and I burst into tears. I remember saying that I literally had none left. I didn't know who I was anymore and that my R with xabf had left me with very little of myself.

That was 3 months ago. I have worked hard on myself and still have a long way to go but I'm seeing things so much clearer and better now. I got through the addictive/obsessive behavior of needing to see him by riding out the waves of my emotions (thanks to whoever posted that here). Whenever I had thoughts about needing him/missing him/wanting him back - I played all the bad things over in my head, re-read journal entries, whatever it took to remind me that I didn't want to go back to that.

Meditation, therapy, Coda meetings, coming here and taking care of me have all helped tremendously. In order for me to move through this I had to focus on me. It has helped me to date a little bit...nothing serious but just have someone to go out with that enjoys my company. Who enjoys the REAL me...the fun loving, crazy, silly girl that got pushed aside when I was with xabf.

I've still got lots of work to do yet before I get serious with anyone, but life is better than it was. I took it one day at a time and became conscious of my feelings and what was best for me.

Hang in there and you'll work through it.