How to help husband on self destruct
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 5
How to help husband on self destruct
Hi all
My husband has a drinking problem was used to be really out of hand (ie. drinking all day, at work, whilst driving you name it). Eventually he started to come out of denial and see how bad this problem has got and since then he can go for periods of up to 5-6 weeks without a drop of alcohol.
However! Whenever a problem rears its ugly head, whether that me a row between me and him, a debt letter, anything...he will usually end up going on a 'binge'. This usually involves him leaving the family home to go to his parents house (who are also problem drinkers), and drinking non stop until he again realises that he has a problem.
He is currently on one of these binges and this is the worst one I think so far. We have been having problems in our marriage for a long time now, due to this problem, a new baby, and me being in hospital with a very serious illness. It all came to a head on Friday and he suggested having a trial separation.
So he left and hasn't stopped drinking since. His moods are all over the place. One minute he is really angry at me and telling me its all my fault that our marriage is over as I have pushed him away and dont show him enough love, and the next minute he is asking me to go and get him and help him. I refuse to let me home whilst he is drinking as we have an 18 month old daughter and I don't want her around her dad when he is like this.
It got so bad last night. We were talking on the phone and he was asking me to pick him up so he could come home, and I said no as it was 11pm and our baby was asleep and I didn't want him around her anyway. I told him to go and get some sleep and we would talk in the morning, but he got angry saying I don't love him and then he was going to drive over to my house. He hung up and wouldn't answer the phone, and I was starting to really panic, so I called his mums home phone and his mum answered (she was asleep in bed bless her) and asked her to check that he hadn't left the house. She went down stairs and found him asleep on the floor!
I spoke to him about an hour ago and he has no memory of any of this and sounds like he is either still drunk or drinking. I pleaded with him to sort himself out and see what he is doing to himself...but he just doesn't seem to care. He is acting like he has lost everything even though I keep telling him that I love him and want to sort things out.
I am just so worried about him now. I am trying to be strong for me and my little girl, but don't want to push him away so much that he feels alone and that no-one cares. He is on anti depressants already as his state of mind is so bad recently, but has only been taking them for 2 weeks.
Any advise, please.
My husband has a drinking problem was used to be really out of hand (ie. drinking all day, at work, whilst driving you name it). Eventually he started to come out of denial and see how bad this problem has got and since then he can go for periods of up to 5-6 weeks without a drop of alcohol.
However! Whenever a problem rears its ugly head, whether that me a row between me and him, a debt letter, anything...he will usually end up going on a 'binge'. This usually involves him leaving the family home to go to his parents house (who are also problem drinkers), and drinking non stop until he again realises that he has a problem.
He is currently on one of these binges and this is the worst one I think so far. We have been having problems in our marriage for a long time now, due to this problem, a new baby, and me being in hospital with a very serious illness. It all came to a head on Friday and he suggested having a trial separation.
So he left and hasn't stopped drinking since. His moods are all over the place. One minute he is really angry at me and telling me its all my fault that our marriage is over as I have pushed him away and dont show him enough love, and the next minute he is asking me to go and get him and help him. I refuse to let me home whilst he is drinking as we have an 18 month old daughter and I don't want her around her dad when he is like this.
It got so bad last night. We were talking on the phone and he was asking me to pick him up so he could come home, and I said no as it was 11pm and our baby was asleep and I didn't want him around her anyway. I told him to go and get some sleep and we would talk in the morning, but he got angry saying I don't love him and then he was going to drive over to my house. He hung up and wouldn't answer the phone, and I was starting to really panic, so I called his mums home phone and his mum answered (she was asleep in bed bless her) and asked her to check that he hadn't left the house. She went down stairs and found him asleep on the floor!
I spoke to him about an hour ago and he has no memory of any of this and sounds like he is either still drunk or drinking. I pleaded with him to sort himself out and see what he is doing to himself...but he just doesn't seem to care. He is acting like he has lost everything even though I keep telling him that I love him and want to sort things out.
I am just so worried about him now. I am trying to be strong for me and my little girl, but don't want to push him away so much that he feels alone and that no-one cares. He is on anti depressants already as his state of mind is so bad recently, but has only been taking them for 2 weeks.
Any advise, please.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Alcoholism is a disease, it can only be cured by the alcoholic.
Your husband is the only one who can help himself, you can not help him. He will only seek help once he reaches his bottom, whatever that may be, clearly he hasn't reached it yet.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child from the fallout of being in relationshiip with an alcoholic. I'm glad you won't allow him access to your child while he is bingeing, your child does not deserve it, it will harm your child to be around a father who is an out of control alcoholic, the damage will take a lifetime to undo.
The only advice I can offer is for you to get educated about alcoholism. There is plenty of information here on the forum, the stickies at the top of the friends and family are a very good place to start. Keep posting here on the forum, al anon or counseling would be a great support for you as well. I encourage you not to try and save someone who does not want to be saved. Don't talk to him when he is drinking, it's a waste of time.
Your husband sounds very sick, only he can make healing happen in his life.
I'm so sorry for all you are going through, I hope you stick around the forum and begin your own journey of healing.
Katie
Your husband is the only one who can help himself, you can not help him. He will only seek help once he reaches his bottom, whatever that may be, clearly he hasn't reached it yet.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child from the fallout of being in relationshiip with an alcoholic. I'm glad you won't allow him access to your child while he is bingeing, your child does not deserve it, it will harm your child to be around a father who is an out of control alcoholic, the damage will take a lifetime to undo.
The only advice I can offer is for you to get educated about alcoholism. There is plenty of information here on the forum, the stickies at the top of the friends and family are a very good place to start. Keep posting here on the forum, al anon or counseling would be a great support for you as well. I encourage you not to try and save someone who does not want to be saved. Don't talk to him when he is drinking, it's a waste of time.
Your husband sounds very sick, only he can make healing happen in his life.
I'm so sorry for all you are going through, I hope you stick around the forum and begin your own journey of healing.
Katie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is a progressive disease that has no cure. Left untreated, it will get worse, much worse. Until he gets sober and starts working a strong recovery program fo life, nothing will change.
Your child should not be exposed to addiction, she hears and sees everything, and will carry her childhood into adulthood.
There is nothing that you can do for him, it is his problem to resolve, not yours. Have you read Codependent No More? Attended Alanon meetings? Read the stickeys at the top of this forum? Cynical One's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do all of the above.
In the future, when he is drunk, I would not answer his calls, really serves no purpose, only upsets you and disrupts other lives.
Your child should not be exposed to addiction, she hears and sees everything, and will carry her childhood into adulthood.
There is nothing that you can do for him, it is his problem to resolve, not yours. Have you read Codependent No More? Attended Alanon meetings? Read the stickeys at the top of this forum? Cynical One's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do all of the above.
In the future, when he is drunk, I would not answer his calls, really serves no purpose, only upsets you and disrupts other lives.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He said He wants a trial separation and left Friday night.
And you know he has been drinking non-stop since, how? If you are separated, then the very definition means that you are taking a break from communication and personal appearances so you can focus on your personal needs.
What you have here, appears to be front row seats in alcoholic drama. He pushes all the buttons and you exhaust yourself reacting.
While you were up all night on the phone participating in his latest need for attention, your baby was sleeping. Which adult was rested and ready to meet the needs of a toddler in the morning?
It sounds like you are mother to two toddlers.
I doubt you were put on this planet to chase after a grown man with a broom, a checkbook, diapers and a fire extenguisher.
Let go or be dragged.
And you know he has been drinking non-stop since, how? If you are separated, then the very definition means that you are taking a break from communication and personal appearances so you can focus on your personal needs.
What you have here, appears to be front row seats in alcoholic drama. He pushes all the buttons and you exhaust yourself reacting.
While you were up all night on the phone participating in his latest need for attention, your baby was sleeping. Which adult was rested and ready to meet the needs of a toddler in the morning?
It sounds like you are mother to two toddlers.
I doubt you were put on this planet to chase after a grown man with a broom, a checkbook, diapers and a fire extenguisher.
Let go or be dragged.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I went back and read your first post from one year ago.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-old-baby.html
His alcoholism is progressing. It is getting worse.
All the terrific advice you received then still applies.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-old-baby.html
His alcoholism is progressing. It is getting worse.
All the terrific advice you received then still applies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate all the advice given. My fear is that he will sink so low and hurt himself, either intentionally or via drinking too much. He seems so lost and in such a dark place and I feel so guilty just leaving him alone. He is away from the family home so my daughter is not directly impacted. I won't have him drink around her. Is there nothing that I can do to help him?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Unless you are a trained professional or a recovering alcoholic, his best resource of support will be from someone trained or experienced in what he is going through.
In my best of intentions, I was often making things worse for my alcoholic, myself and my children by trying to involve myself in the addiction.
Here are some steps that helped me. I followed each one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
And here is some information from a sticky post that may help you understand your fears of letting go:
9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."
The rest of that article can be found in this sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
In my best of intentions, I was often making things worse for my alcoholic, myself and my children by trying to involve myself in the addiction.
Here are some steps that helped me. I followed each one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
And here is some information from a sticky post that may help you understand your fears of letting go:
9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."
The rest of that article can be found in this sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is nothing. It's very painful to detach in that way, but anything more than letting him know you care about him and want him to be well could end up watering down any desire he has to help himself.
Your fears are valid; I wish I could say differently. Your guilt, however, is an internal conflict: you didn't cause any of his problems, but it feels wrong to stand aside while he falters. It means you have a good heart and don't like to see someone you care for in pain. But it doesn't mean you have to do anything for him.
Your fears are valid; I wish I could say differently. Your guilt, however, is an internal conflict: you didn't cause any of his problems, but it feels wrong to stand aside while he falters. It means you have a good heart and don't like to see someone you care for in pain. But it doesn't mean you have to do anything for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 5
Hi all
Well things have now got worse for my AH since yesterday. His mum has called me as he has been taken to hospital in an ambulance. She was vague on the details but he has bad pain in his stomach and feels like he is losing his mind. She wants him to go to rehab but do they do that on the nhs in the uk? What will happen to him? I'm so worried but his mum won't allow me to go be with him.
Well things have now got worse for my AH since yesterday. His mum has called me as he has been taken to hospital in an ambulance. She was vague on the details but he has bad pain in his stomach and feels like he is losing his mind. She wants him to go to rehab but do they do that on the nhs in the uk? What will happen to him? I'm so worried but his mum won't allow me to go be with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Hi lostmywings:
With only kindness meant, I strongly suggest you re-read Pelican's post, and take your focus off *him* and put it back on you and your child. It is a great service you are doing for your child by insisting on a sober environment for your daughter. It would be a great service for yourself to focus on yourself, the ONLY person you can truly control!
You cannot control your AH, or save him. You can't. You can love him, preferably from afar, and you can painfully watch him spiral down because this is such an awful progressive disease, but you can't control him and you can't save him. It is hard to accept, and it took me 15 years to truly understand this... I hope you are quicker than me! Best to you.
With only kindness meant, I strongly suggest you re-read Pelican's post, and take your focus off *him* and put it back on you and your child. It is a great service you are doing for your child by insisting on a sober environment for your daughter. It would be a great service for yourself to focus on yourself, the ONLY person you can truly control!
You cannot control your AH, or save him. You can't. You can love him, preferably from afar, and you can painfully watch him spiral down because this is such an awful progressive disease, but you can't control him and you can't save him. It is hard to accept, and it took me 15 years to truly understand this... I hope you are quicker than me! Best to you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I am sorry to hear that his physical condition has deteriorated.
Please know that he is in the care of professionals. He will get the care he needs.
Please try to hand him over to his Higher Power. It is up to him to accept the recovery options that may be offered to him during this situation.
Please know that he is in the care of professionals. He will get the care he needs.
Please try to hand him over to his Higher Power. It is up to him to accept the recovery options that may be offered to him during this situation.
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