thislonelygirl

so ive been at my mothers house for 10 days. i left so my ah could get sober/seek recovery.
my ah begged me to come home and at the beginning i said no not until i know your sober and you need more time to get recovery and be with yourself.
ok all fine and good and then two days ago my mom asks me if im going home....i said yes (my ah says hes quit drinking etc) and it should be fine to go home but then we get back on the phone with one another and he says hes not able to sleep(since not drinking) and has work . ok so i tell him get sleep its fine and i want him to get sleep (he works nights and sleeps during the day. me and my daughter sleep at night up during the day...so i didnt see any point in coming home then if we keep him from getting sleep) anyhow my mom asks me again today if im going home...i told her no(because hes having a hard time sleeping but that its his last night at work so well go home tomorrow) she rolled her eyes and scuffed and then her and my dad just layed into me about what a loser he is. how he doesnt want me home (not true he wants me home ...ive chosen to be here for his recovery)
then my mom layed into me about how im not doing right as a mother etc....im not a perfect person, ive made mistakes and i have my own problems but the last thing i want to hear is criticism, im trying to keep myself from crying right now

i just wanted to add he told me the other day he would keep the door unlocked (lost my key) while he slept if i was coming home.

just very hurt, sad, and just feeling like im the loser right now....its just hard for other people to accept problems as problems and not failures.

alole

That is parents for you. They only say something because they care even if it gets on your last nerve and you feel they know nothing.

dollydo

I don't believe that you parents handled the issue correctly, however, they may thinking with their heads, not their hearts.

The few days he has been sober does not make for recovery, this is only the tip of the iceburg. What is the big rush to move back in with him?

thislonelygirl

the main reason for rushing to move back in is because 1. its frustrating being in someone elses home with a two year old
2. my family is on my case about going home
and 3. ah is off from work....i want to see this "sobriety" myself

dollydo

If he is not working a strong recovery program, all he is doing is white knuckling it and IMO that will lead to failure...once again.

My only concern is for your young child, a child should never be exposed to addiction of any kind.

Cynical One has a great post on the F & F of Substance Abusers Forum...about returning home, has he changed or is it wishful thinking. Might
be worth a read.

I hope this all works out as you envision it to.

Pelican

I think this is the post Dolly mentioned by Cynical One:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html

Is your family pressuring you to go back to him? or pressuring you to leave him?

thislonelygirl

really it seems like both....i think their way of thinking is that ive been here long enough so im eithey staying or leaving .

thislonelygirl

it just upsets me because not only was it very rude but they are talking about a disease that they think they know about but dont. its different to live with it and then to call names. its just inapropriate and im going through a hard time. i have left twice before for a few days this time i decided to stay gone until i knew he was sober/seeking recovery and my family even if their intentions are all well and good are not helping my situation, my feelings and being supportive by disrespectirng me with that tone.
the whole time i have been here (my mother is on disability for back issues) i have helped her not only clean, cook but with massages and her medications.
Im not saying that they havent been supportive by allowing me to stay with them or that they as parents are not concerned but i have a family i am trying to piece together ....and as im falling apart...its not ok to kick me while im down even if it wasnt their intention to do so.....its the point that they did.
Im sure having grown up with them....as i said their way of thinking is that hes an alcoholic so he doesnt love me and that if im staying this long then i must want to stay,

choublak

That's not why you leave though. You leave to make a better life for yourself, not to try and "get" someone else to do something.

And if the place gets robbed, then what?

And some people will always see problems as failures, there's no changing their minds. If you accept this, you won't feel like the loser anymore.

Sorry if I come across like I'm picking on you. I tend to call things out like I see them. And the thing about leaving doors unlocked, I think that depends on where you live. Some places people leave their doors unlocked regularly; other places, absolutely not.

thislonelygirl

weve never had a problem but what i meant was he left the door unlocked if i was coming home then. it wouldnt have stayed unlocked or he wouldnt have left it so if i wasnt going to come home. sides our neighbors watch ours vise versa. good friends.i didnt leave as an ultimatum i left so i myself could recover while giving him the soace and time to chose recovery for himself. i may have just worded that jncorrectly and yes i have a full understanding of in one ear out the other as far as peoples minds are.....this perticular thing bothered me because im in an emotional place and expect family above all others to support my decisions for myself and my life and instead judge me for what alcoholism has done instead of what i have.

Pelican

I have found that the only people who truly understand what it is like living with active alcoholism are the people who have walked the same path: people in Alanon, and people here at SR.

thislonelygirl

thanks,. i think i needed to hear that.
helps with conversations with family to tell that to myself.
ive had an almost same experience with another member who thinks maybe one day hell be able to drink like other people....thinking to myself "please dont say this in front of him"

PaperDolls

My guess is your parents don't want to see you hurting any more. As fed up as you are with your AH's drinking ..... they are fed up with seeing you and your child in pain.

I hope you look into Alanon and start working on you. It's tough but it helps a ton.

SadHeart

I don't know your parents so can't say why they did this, but I'm wondering if they were tired of having you in their house. It's hard to have guests stay so long when you have a small child. It upsets their routine, affects their privacy, it's noisier, messier, it IS an imposition. So maybe they brought it up because they long to have their house and their life back. As much as I love certain family members, I am relieved when they leave after a visit.

Also if this is the third time you've left, they can find that unsettling. It can seem indecisive and weak to people. Leave or stay, make a decision. And in a way it may seem to them that you are not making decisions for yourself or for your daughter, but are waiting for your husband to make decisions. I think others can watch the yoyo-ing and feel, don't wait to see what HE (the unreliable messed up alkie) is going to decide--decide for yourself, and let HIM adjust to your decisions. And there's something to that. That might be why you get the feeling that they want you both to leave him and stay with him--they don't care, just make a decision and stick to it. (maybe that's what they are thinking--I wouldn't know of course).

And then the criticizing you and making you feel bad, it might be a clumsy way of them trying to deal with your codependency. They are seeing codie behavior and want to bring it to your attention and are doing a bad job of it. Hence the part about how you aren't perfect, etc... Maybe it's a way they are trying to introduce the subject of your role in the mess.

And they are also likely worried about their granddaughter and how all this leaving and staying affects her.

I doubt they wanted to hurt you, they just don't want to deal with the problem or want you to deal with it, instead of allowing yourself and your daughter to be buffeted about by the whims of an alcoholic.

They probably mean well, but they handled it poorly. This is probably a signal to you that in the future you need to leave them out of the details of your marriage and not lean on them to support you in a certain way. This might be a sign that they are too involved or know too much information about your situation, and maybe boundaries need to be reexamined.

People who have no lived with an alcoholic really don't know, and people who are not codependent really can't understand how us codies think and feel and reason.

I'm so sorry your parents hurt your feelings, it was likely nothing more than a clumsy effort to establish better boundaries. They don't think you are a loser, they just don't want to be so much involved. As hard as it is to be a spouse of an alcoholic, it's also hard to be a parent watching helplessly your child be in pain and apparently making no progress in resolving their problems.

Many, many, MANY hugs to you.

thislonelygirl

yea i agree. i think being that its difficult for others to grasp and i have left before they may find it unsettling. my parents give advice based on normal expectations. an example of this is my mother saying to give him an ultimatum. i had tried that and it doesnt work but giving boundaries and falling through with them and detatching works more . my mothers thought process is. she left my dad would just instantly fall on knees change ....sadly for an addict its much more difficult and so the two times i left before i was only gone for tops 3 days so with this time i stayed gone for over a week. this may seem unsettling to them heck it was unsettling for me but thats what i needed to do to detatch etc.
i dont hold any ill will for their feelings or thoughts but at the moment i was a mess emotionally and was trying to hang strong and be positive....it felt overwhelming to have the say what they did. i do get it though because i too am a parent but i just at that time didnt wajt to hear it. just needed a shoulder and support

SadHeart

If the ultimatum was stop drinking, seek treatment, do a program or I leave, then OF COURSE the ultimatum would work: he didn't, so you leave. That works.

If the ultimatum failed because it didn't manipulate him into following your will, then the failure isn't HIS but YOURS. The ultimatum was a bluff and a control tactic to force him into buckling under to do what you wanted. And he called your bluff. Too bad for you. A bluff is not an ultimatum. Ultimatums work--if you mean it.

Giving boundaries and detaching works better: for whom? To make him tow your line, or to ease you out of the relationship? Withdrawal is a control tactic, similar to fake bluff-ultimatums. Withdrawal is not necessarily detaching if you care about how he reacts to it. Giving boundaries is not about what HE does, but about what YOU do.

If your family isn't supporting your attempts to control your AH, they are not making things worse, they are doing the right thing. You being frustrated that that your family doesn't support your attempts to manipulate and control your ex is not a failure on your family's part, but perhaps a failure in your approach to your AH. Frustration like anger is a sign you are doing something wrong and need to change your approach.

This would have nothing to do with your family.