trouble letting go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
Posts: 19
trouble letting go
Hello..
Having a hard time letting go of my ex partner. two guys. He was an alcoholic who had been in treatment for his abuse and when we met, told me he could " manage" things...We had a very tumultuous relationship..lots of bickering and back and forth and breking up an making up and him promising to not drink anymore..I almost cheated on ( I didnt ) but was caught chattng with someone online..not for sex or anything and there was no meeting of any kind..I just honestly had the hardest time taking this relationship serioulsy and a part of me wanted out bigtime. I have studied and gotten and education andwant a responsible man for my partner , not some volatile overly emotional, insecure alcoholic. but despite all this BS I still stayed by him. I must have chipped away at my self esteem because I honestly went from sitting on the fence about whether I wanted to be with him to not being able to function without him. we broke up recently..I ended it then we got back together ( somany times back and forth) and then he finally ended it. I feel like he was tired of being made to feel inadequte or that he didnt want to be with someone he had to stop drinking for.
IM not sure how or why I am this deep into these feelings. I feel stuck like a dog chasing its tail and having a very hard time making sense of my feelings. I shared a life with someone who struggled with alcoholism. was in treatment and wasnt an every day binge drinker but someone who would majorly loose control of himself and drink himself into oblivion. some pretty irresponsible behaviors when he was drunk ( dissapearing all night, passing out on the side of the hgighway, violence towards me)...and lots of really confusing things when he was sober..( lying, too much insecurity, unhealthy mood swings and snapping )
Someone please help me make sense of all this. why am i so insecure now and having the hardest time letting go of this person?.... I look back to how I was before we met and I honestly felt like I had a lot of strength and dignity and self respect and self esteem and confiedence..and now im this feeble and miserable wimp who cant seem to let go of this person.
Is it just an ego thing?...will these feelings start to alleviate when I get more settled?
Sorry for the verbal diarhea...Im just not sure how to heal from this and I feel trapped inside my own head.
Having a hard time letting go of my ex partner. two guys. He was an alcoholic who had been in treatment for his abuse and when we met, told me he could " manage" things...We had a very tumultuous relationship..lots of bickering and back and forth and breking up an making up and him promising to not drink anymore..I almost cheated on ( I didnt ) but was caught chattng with someone online..not for sex or anything and there was no meeting of any kind..I just honestly had the hardest time taking this relationship serioulsy and a part of me wanted out bigtime. I have studied and gotten and education andwant a responsible man for my partner , not some volatile overly emotional, insecure alcoholic. but despite all this BS I still stayed by him. I must have chipped away at my self esteem because I honestly went from sitting on the fence about whether I wanted to be with him to not being able to function without him. we broke up recently..I ended it then we got back together ( somany times back and forth) and then he finally ended it. I feel like he was tired of being made to feel inadequte or that he didnt want to be with someone he had to stop drinking for.
IM not sure how or why I am this deep into these feelings. I feel stuck like a dog chasing its tail and having a very hard time making sense of my feelings. I shared a life with someone who struggled with alcoholism. was in treatment and wasnt an every day binge drinker but someone who would majorly loose control of himself and drink himself into oblivion. some pretty irresponsible behaviors when he was drunk ( dissapearing all night, passing out on the side of the hgighway, violence towards me)...and lots of really confusing things when he was sober..( lying, too much insecurity, unhealthy mood swings and snapping )
Someone please help me make sense of all this. why am i so insecure now and having the hardest time letting go of this person?.... I look back to how I was before we met and I honestly felt like I had a lot of strength and dignity and self respect and self esteem and confiedence..and now im this feeble and miserable wimp who cant seem to let go of this person.
Is it just an ego thing?...will these feelings start to alleviate when I get more settled?
Sorry for the verbal diarhea...Im just not sure how to heal from this and I feel trapped inside my own head.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wales
Posts: 16
Randy. Can not believe how much your story mirrors mine and if you read on here quite a few more. The problem is we all live with 2 different people the loving generous affectionate person and the roaring angry emotional drunk. I have been in a vicious cycle of him leaving coming back for over 5 years. For the last 6 months this has been on a weekly basis the split lasting days/ weeks. More recently the anger has been aimed at my children who are both teenagers struggling to cope as they are scared for me and Also scared for him. He is now very unstable and fluctuates between rage and despair. For the sake of all of us I now have to stand by the decisions I have made and end this marriage. The kids are extremely worried about dad as am I but we are all very worried about each other. Like you though after 20 years of marriage it is so difficult to let go. Good luck. We know what we have to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am absolutely no help as I have spent the last five years in a relationship that sounds much the same feeling the same way you do! We have been apart/broken up for the last 6 months with little to no contact. My XABF is even in another state & although it helps a great deal....I miss him everyday and I think about him daily. It's sad for him...it's sad for me! He's a sweetheart of a man but he's a typical chronic A! Sober today but was forced into it so not sure if he can hold on. I have some 30 yr family ties and know that to heal I should split those but have failed to do that just yet! I know that knowing anything is painful for me and keeps fueling my pain. I look back on the last 5 years and think....what the hell did I do/allow someone to do to me and why? It's sick but I left with no self worth and the rejection for the bottle/other women so self disruptive! I don't have the answer but someone wise once told me.....A is a progressive horrible disease & don't bother trying to figure it out bc you NEVER will....I never listened ...wish I had! I wish you the best and I hope it helps to know that you don't struggle alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Stop trying to figure him out. It is hard to do and I know from first had experience it will drive you crazy. My ex-abf left me homeless last august. I mean everything went into storage that my Mom paid for and I had nowhere to go.
I was scared to death. This year has been the darkest year of my life. My friends kept telling me he has done me a favor by leaving but how the heck could I see that when all I kept thinking was I thought we were getting married, I thought he loved me.
He loves beer; he loves what he could get from me. I loved him but mostly I was addicted to him, and he was addicted to alcohol. I have finally put that together in my head and after seeing him for one minute this last week after not seeing or hearing from him in Three months I can finally say I don’t want him.
He smokes, he drinks, he lies, he steals, he is disrespectful but most of all I let him take away my soul. After seeing him this week just for a moment in time I looked at him and what I saw for the first time is a person I don’t know. It really hit me. His face is pale; he is thinner than before and didn’t stop smoking. It made me incredibly sad and sick to my stomach for a few hours.
I didn’t know what to say or feel. My mom was in the vehicle with me and felt sorry for me. All she could say was he looks awful and sure looks like he is still drinking from the paleness of his face and thin body. We both know he does not like to eat all he cares about is beer, the liquid dinner.
So right now you’re insecure, feeling awful about your self-esteem but as you said before him you were good. You didn’t feel this way, right? It will come back to feeling like you again. It takes time, you’re going to grieve what you had but most important is for you to take care of you.
Breath through the feelings you’re having, sit with them. It is hard to sit with them. I spent one weekend on the sofa a few weeks ago and let the pain just sit. I cried, read, wrote my feelings down, watched a movie, and then cried more. It was three days of pain I don’t want to ever come back. It has now shifted my perception of what I can handle in life. Something died in me that weekend. I’m not saying I don’t miss my ex-abf because I do and I love him so much I smothered him with it so he ran.
Your human and your feelings from the emotional abuse are real. Just know you’re not alone and it will get better. You’ll wake up someday soon with a shift if you work on you. Breathe through the pain, keep putting one foot in front of another and before you know it life will not look so bad. It will start looking better and you’ll start feeling better.
Much love and light to you.
I was scared to death. This year has been the darkest year of my life. My friends kept telling me he has done me a favor by leaving but how the heck could I see that when all I kept thinking was I thought we were getting married, I thought he loved me.
He loves beer; he loves what he could get from me. I loved him but mostly I was addicted to him, and he was addicted to alcohol. I have finally put that together in my head and after seeing him for one minute this last week after not seeing or hearing from him in Three months I can finally say I don’t want him.
He smokes, he drinks, he lies, he steals, he is disrespectful but most of all I let him take away my soul. After seeing him this week just for a moment in time I looked at him and what I saw for the first time is a person I don’t know. It really hit me. His face is pale; he is thinner than before and didn’t stop smoking. It made me incredibly sad and sick to my stomach for a few hours.
I didn’t know what to say or feel. My mom was in the vehicle with me and felt sorry for me. All she could say was he looks awful and sure looks like he is still drinking from the paleness of his face and thin body. We both know he does not like to eat all he cares about is beer, the liquid dinner.
So right now you’re insecure, feeling awful about your self-esteem but as you said before him you were good. You didn’t feel this way, right? It will come back to feeling like you again. It takes time, you’re going to grieve what you had but most important is for you to take care of you.
Breath through the feelings you’re having, sit with them. It is hard to sit with them. I spent one weekend on the sofa a few weeks ago and let the pain just sit. I cried, read, wrote my feelings down, watched a movie, and then cried more. It was three days of pain I don’t want to ever come back. It has now shifted my perception of what I can handle in life. Something died in me that weekend. I’m not saying I don’t miss my ex-abf because I do and I love him so much I smothered him with it so he ran.
Your human and your feelings from the emotional abuse are real. Just know you’re not alone and it will get better. You’ll wake up someday soon with a shift if you work on you. Breathe through the pain, keep putting one foot in front of another and before you know it life will not look so bad. It will start looking better and you’ll start feeling better.
Much love and light to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
Posts: 19
Thanks for writing..Last night was a bit intense..feeling better now..trying to take responibility for my feelings..ie: I put myself there.
I liked what you said about how he just wanted to liked what he could get from me..everything eventually tied into his drinking and the relationship cumbled. Im not sure how long it will take to get over it all but I am really looking forward to looking back on it and feeling nothing...its apainful process cause I did think he loved me, and I did think e were going to build a life together and those dreams are hard to let go of.. but I suppose I can still have them but with some one else..
Its just tough to love someone andhate them soo much too!..
ah well Live and learn.. Im going to breathe thru the pain and anxiety when it comes and keep trucking forward..thanks again for writing.
I liked what you said about how he just wanted to liked what he could get from me..everything eventually tied into his drinking and the relationship cumbled. Im not sure how long it will take to get over it all but I am really looking forward to looking back on it and feeling nothing...its apainful process cause I did think he loved me, and I did think e were going to build a life together and those dreams are hard to let go of.. but I suppose I can still have them but with some one else..
Its just tough to love someone andhate them soo much too!..
ah well Live and learn.. Im going to breathe thru the pain and anxiety when it comes and keep trucking forward..thanks again for writing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wales
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Sassydog 
I am absolutely no help as I have spent the last five years in a relationship that sounds much the same feeling the same way you do! We have been apart/broken up for the last 6 months with little to no contact. My XABF is even in another state & although it helps a great deal....I miss him everyday and I think about him daily. It's sad for him...it's sad for me! He's a sweetheart of a man but he's a typical chronic A! Sober today but was forced into it so not sure if he can hold on. I have some 30 yr family ties and know that to heal I should split those but have failed to do that just yet! I know that knowing anything is painful for me and keeps fueling my pain. I look back on the last 5 years and think....what the hell did I do/allow someone to do to me and why? It's sick but I left with no self worth and the rejection for the bottle/other women so self disruptive! I don't have the answer but someone wise once told me.....A is a progressive horrible disease & don't bother trying to figure it out bc you NEVER will....I never listened ...wish I had! I wish you the best and I hope it helps to know that you don't struggle alone.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
this is because with everything you put up with. with what you have dealt with. with all of the worrying and the picking him up....you had been neglected and have taken from yourself to give to him. in my opinion its like an abuse victim coping with life after the abuser.....its hard but eventually it gets easier
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
OMG completely understand your love/hate comment. I am right there with you on that one.
Your first post was like looking at my own life & what's happening.
I'm so sorry for your hurt & confusion & I know it well.
I see a pattern forming now & it is this:
When we are in a relationship with an alcoholic & the alcohol is causing a problem in that relationship, the alcoholic tires of fighting his addiction & the problems he is causing so he moves on.
Unfortunately mine has just moved on to someone else straight away. I guess it's someone who he can start again with just like me & fun for a while until their pattern forms again & the drinking destroys the next relationship.
The confusion you are feeling is completely normal & is you trying to make sense of "what the hell just happened".
I'm still working through that but I get flashbacks now & know it was never really that right. I should've run long ago.
What has helped me is SR & the support here & also to read as much as I can about alcoholism to gain an insight into the disease. Their sickness has made us sick.
It is very confusing I know.
Massive hugs to you, I know how you feel.
Your first post was like looking at my own life & what's happening.
I'm so sorry for your hurt & confusion & I know it well.
I see a pattern forming now & it is this:
When we are in a relationship with an alcoholic & the alcohol is causing a problem in that relationship, the alcoholic tires of fighting his addiction & the problems he is causing so he moves on.
Unfortunately mine has just moved on to someone else straight away. I guess it's someone who he can start again with just like me & fun for a while until their pattern forms again & the drinking destroys the next relationship.
The confusion you are feeling is completely normal & is you trying to make sense of "what the hell just happened".
I'm still working through that but I get flashbacks now & know it was never really that right. I should've run long ago.
What has helped me is SR & the support here & also to read as much as I can about alcoholism to gain an insight into the disease. Their sickness has made us sick.
It is very confusing I know.
Massive hugs to you, I know how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
Quote: He loves beer; he loves what he could get from me. I loved him but mostly I was addicted to him, and he was addicted to alcohol. I have finally put that together in my head and after seeing him for one minute this last week after not seeing or hearing from him in Three months I can finally say I don’t want him.
Lovesunandsnow,
Really struck a chord, I am not there yet but I see it in the distance. Thanks for that.
Free
Lovesunandsnow,
Really struck a chord, I am not there yet but I see it in the distance. Thanks for that.
Free
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
Posts: 19
Rosiepetal your words were a great comfort. thanks to you and everyone who wrote. the support from this site is really helping me deal with this " what the hell just happened" feeling..
xox to all
xox to all
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