Relapse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Relapse?
AH is quitting for the 2nd time, after not touching it for 5.5 years.
I had never met anyone with an addiction before him, so never knew the signs. Went to a few meetings with specialist doctor and a psychologist, who said that recovery from addiction is a lifelong process, that he could be sober for 5 years, or 10 years, or forever, but nothing is certain.
2 weeks ago he sought help from the specialist doctor, I went with him to this initial consultation. He was prescribed a tranquiliser to help calm his mind as he struggled with not drinking and the withdrawal symptoms it gave him.. he stayed off drinking for 2 weeks. I thought he was doing so well. Then today, after lying to me, he finally confessed that he had had a can of beer.
I know 2 weeks isn't long enough to gauge things, but I was so hurt and angry that he lied to me again. I told him the last time he lied to me (again) that if he did it again, I would leave and never look back. I had already kicked him out once because of the lying and deceits, but when he said he had made an appointment with the doctor and I was invited to go along, I decided to give him one last chance.
Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it?
I had never met anyone with an addiction before him, so never knew the signs. Went to a few meetings with specialist doctor and a psychologist, who said that recovery from addiction is a lifelong process, that he could be sober for 5 years, or 10 years, or forever, but nothing is certain.
2 weeks ago he sought help from the specialist doctor, I went with him to this initial consultation. He was prescribed a tranquiliser to help calm his mind as he struggled with not drinking and the withdrawal symptoms it gave him.. he stayed off drinking for 2 weeks. I thought he was doing so well. Then today, after lying to me, he finally confessed that he had had a can of beer.
I know 2 weeks isn't long enough to gauge things, but I was so hurt and angry that he lied to me again. I told him the last time he lied to me (again) that if he did it again, I would leave and never look back. I had already kicked him out once because of the lying and deceits, but when he said he had made an appointment with the doctor and I was invited to go along, I decided to give him one last chance.
Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome!
"Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it? "
To me, relapses are part of addiction, not recovery.
He will be an addict allhis life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not, there is no cure for this disease. Less than 10% recover for life.
Addicts lie, then they lie some more, it is what they do, if you don't care for liers, an addict is not the right match for you. Many times, lying itself becomes an addiction, so even when sober they lie.
Take some time to read others posts, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blog, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
"Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it? "
To me, relapses are part of addiction, not recovery.
He will be an addict allhis life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not, there is no cure for this disease. Less than 10% recover for life.
Addicts lie, then they lie some more, it is what they do, if you don't care for liers, an addict is not the right match for you. Many times, lying itself becomes an addiction, so even when sober they lie.
Take some time to read others posts, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blog, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Ivd, a very important question----During the 5.5 years, what kind of program was he working? Especially in last several weeks/months. Like---how many AA meetings, working on steps, contacts with sponsor?dandylion
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lvd 
AH is quitting for the 2nd time, after not touching it for 5.5 years.
I had never met anyone with an addiction before him, so never knew the signs. Went to a few meetings with specialist doctor and a psychologist, who said that recovery from addiction is a lifelong process, that he could be sober for 5 years, or 10 years, or forever, but nothing is certain.
2 weeks ago he sought help from the specialist doctor, I went with him to this initial consultation. He was prescribed a tranquiliser to help calm his mind as he struggled with not drinking and the withdrawal symptoms it gave him.. he stayed off drinking for 2 weeks. I thought he was doing so well. Then today, after lying to me, he finally confessed that he had had a can of beer.
I know 2 weeks isn't long enough to gauge things, but I was so hurt and angry that he lied to me again. I told him the last time he lied to me (again) that if he did it again, I would leave and never look back. I had already kicked him out once because of the lying and deceits, but when he said he had made an appointment with the doctor and I was invited to go along, I decided to give him one last chance.
Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it?
I had never met anyone with an addiction before him, so never knew the signs. Went to a few meetings with specialist doctor and a psychologist, who said that recovery from addiction is a lifelong process, that he could be sober for 5 years, or 10 years, or forever, but nothing is certain.
2 weeks ago he sought help from the specialist doctor, I went with him to this initial consultation. He was prescribed a tranquiliser to help calm his mind as he struggled with not drinking and the withdrawal symptoms it gave him.. he stayed off drinking for 2 weeks. I thought he was doing so well. Then today, after lying to me, he finally confessed that he had had a can of beer.
I know 2 weeks isn't long enough to gauge things, but I was so hurt and angry that he lied to me again. I told him the last time he lied to me (again) that if he did it again, I would leave and never look back. I had already kicked him out once because of the lying and deceits, but when he said he had made an appointment with the doctor and I was invited to go along, I decided to give him one last chance.
Sorry for the rambling - - my question actually is: how common is it to have relapses during the course of recovery and how should I react to it?
For example - I will not be in a relationship with someone I can not trust - is a boundary.
Saying - If you lie or drink again, I will kick you out - is a form of control.
Empty threats teach him - that it is OK with you to act in this manner of deceit.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Lvd - hiya n welcome.
First of all please stop the ultimatums - unless you are going to follow through. It doesn't work. I have a close family member who has done this several times n believe it does not work. The person may stop drinking for a few days even months then they drinking again n its just as before if not worst.
Second if you cannot tolerate liars, then as dollydo says is it right for you staying with an alcoholic/addict??? Only you can answer this.
But recovery from alcohol will be hard. Think about it. It's everywhere ppl drinking on nights out, get together s, jibs from old drinking friends, christmases etc when ppl are drinking like fishes.
He will need support from
His recovery n you need to look after you ok.
Take care of yourself xxx
First of all please stop the ultimatums - unless you are going to follow through. It doesn't work. I have a close family member who has done this several times n believe it does not work. The person may stop drinking for a few days even months then they drinking again n its just as before if not worst.
Second if you cannot tolerate liars, then as dollydo says is it right for you staying with an alcoholic/addict??? Only you can answer this.
But recovery from alcohol will be hard. Think about it. It's everywhere ppl drinking on nights out, get together s, jibs from old drinking friends, christmases etc when ppl are drinking like fishes.
He will need support from
His recovery n you need to look after you ok.
Take care of yourself xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thanks for the replies, everyone.
We do not live in the USA - he is not American. The system here is a little different (but I found this site from google - it was the first site that came up for the search terms I used!). The last time he quit, he was in a rehab for about 2 weeks, completely isolated from the outside world. He received medication and therapy, as well as counselling. After that, and for 5.5 years, he managed to abstain through sheer self-control. He didn't drink or eat anything that could possibly have alcohol in it. He didn't even use mouthwash because of its alcohol content! A bit like people from certain religions checking what they are eating before they eat it to avoid certain types of food.
When we first started dating, he was sober. Then on our wedding day, he decided he wanted a small drink to celebrate and thought he could control it... well, obviously he couldn't.
To be honest, he doesn't really drink a lot, but there are two issues at hand that are of concerns to everyone around him:
1. his personality changes when he drinks - even a small quantity. He gets upset and angry about things so much more easily;
2. he feels the need to hide his drinking habit and consequently lies to those around him.
LoveMeNot - as I said in the bit you highlighted - I kicked him out once. This was before he actively sought help. Before that, he only lied to me to say he would quit completely. I never issued any ultimatums, only pleading with him to decide what he wanted more: our relationship and child, or his alcohol. Then I found out he lied again and I reached my limit, so I told him to leave. I blocked all communication and we had nc for a few days until his sister phoned me to say that he had made an appointment with the specialist doctor. That was the first time he ever pro-actively did something to combat his addiction. So I was willing to try one more time. I made it clear to him, though, that he was not to lie to me again and he had to be sincere about his treatment.
As I said, he went through the programme designed by the doctor and the psychologist and it worked fine until today, when he was tempted again after a particularly traumatic week.
I didn't issue any ultimatum. I told him I couldn't trust him, and that our marriage was meant to be based on trust, among other things. If I couldn't trust him, how was our relationship supposed to survive?
I've struck a deal with him. The reason why he didn't want to go to the rehab centre again was because he didn't want me and our child to be alone in our house, but I told him that obviously the freedom was too great for him to handle. So if he treasured our relationship, or the love he had for me, as much as he claimed he did, he would book himself into the rehab centre again. If it takes one week, two weeks, three weeks, even a month, so be it. I just want him to pull himself together again, so I can have the man I met back, instead of the liar who deceives me to cover his track; or the man who loses his temper at every little thing.
Ultimately, I do love him and want to grow old with him. I just don't want to have to live in constant doubt and worries.
We do not live in the USA - he is not American. The system here is a little different (but I found this site from google - it was the first site that came up for the search terms I used!). The last time he quit, he was in a rehab for about 2 weeks, completely isolated from the outside world. He received medication and therapy, as well as counselling. After that, and for 5.5 years, he managed to abstain through sheer self-control. He didn't drink or eat anything that could possibly have alcohol in it. He didn't even use mouthwash because of its alcohol content! A bit like people from certain religions checking what they are eating before they eat it to avoid certain types of food.
When we first started dating, he was sober. Then on our wedding day, he decided he wanted a small drink to celebrate and thought he could control it... well, obviously he couldn't.
To be honest, he doesn't really drink a lot, but there are two issues at hand that are of concerns to everyone around him:
1. his personality changes when he drinks - even a small quantity. He gets upset and angry about things so much more easily;
2. he feels the need to hide his drinking habit and consequently lies to those around him.
LoveMeNot - as I said in the bit you highlighted - I kicked him out once. This was before he actively sought help. Before that, he only lied to me to say he would quit completely. I never issued any ultimatums, only pleading with him to decide what he wanted more: our relationship and child, or his alcohol. Then I found out he lied again and I reached my limit, so I told him to leave. I blocked all communication and we had nc for a few days until his sister phoned me to say that he had made an appointment with the specialist doctor. That was the first time he ever pro-actively did something to combat his addiction. So I was willing to try one more time. I made it clear to him, though, that he was not to lie to me again and he had to be sincere about his treatment.
As I said, he went through the programme designed by the doctor and the psychologist and it worked fine until today, when he was tempted again after a particularly traumatic week.
I didn't issue any ultimatum. I told him I couldn't trust him, and that our marriage was meant to be based on trust, among other things. If I couldn't trust him, how was our relationship supposed to survive?
I've struck a deal with him. The reason why he didn't want to go to the rehab centre again was because he didn't want me and our child to be alone in our house, but I told him that obviously the freedom was too great for him to handle. So if he treasured our relationship, or the love he had for me, as much as he claimed he did, he would book himself into the rehab centre again. If it takes one week, two weeks, three weeks, even a month, so be it. I just want him to pull himself together again, so I can have the man I met back, instead of the liar who deceives me to cover his track; or the man who loses his temper at every little thing.
Ultimately, I do love him and want to grow old with him. I just don't want to have to live in constant doubt and worries.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lvd
Ultimately, I do love him and want to grow old with him. I just don't want to have to live in constant doubt and worries.
Good luck!
~T
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Striking a deal with an addict is still an attempt to control him and a way to end up very disappointed.
So he take will a chance on being kicked out but not go to rehab?????
He has to want to stop. He has to want it more then anything. He has to want it for himself first and foremost.
So he take will a chance on being kicked out but not go to rehab?????
He has to want to stop. He has to want it more then anything. He has to want it for himself first and foremost.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
I do believe that he wants this for himself, too. Otherwise he wouldn't have sought help in the first place.
He was a smoker when I met him, and when he found out I didn't like smokers, he quit cold turkey and hasn't touched a single cigarette since. I told him that he couldn't do it for me, he had to be doing it for himself, and he assured me it was.
Regardless, it's a good point. I am not trying to control him. He knows what it means to be free from the power of alcohol, and he wants that back again. Only that this time the stake is higher because of me and our child. I will talk to him in the morning to remind him.
Thanks.
He was a smoker when I met him, and when he found out I didn't like smokers, he quit cold turkey and hasn't touched a single cigarette since. I told him that he couldn't do it for me, he had to be doing it for himself, and he assured me it was.
Regardless, it's a good point. I am not trying to control him. He knows what it means to be free from the power of alcohol, and he wants that back again. Only that this time the stake is higher because of me and our child. I will talk to him in the morning to remind him.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Ivd, I respectfully suggest that there is much to learn about the nature of the disease of alcoholism. It defies ordinary logic. It would be extremely helpful to read the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, Md. You can do a google search for his website on the internet.
Alcoholics who are actively drinking or who are sober (but not recovering--called dry drunk) will often make promised that they can't keep--not because they are lying to YOU, but, because their disease is lying to THEM.
Striking a "bargain" with an active alcoholic is an exercise in disappointment. They are unable to keep their side.
Their brain is not fully present---they do not process the same way a sober brain is able to. They have a "monster" inside their brain that is constantly talking to them and distorting their reality.
An alcoholic without an ongoing program (a vigorous one) is practically guranteed to relapse.
Please read all the "stickies" at the top of this page, and learn everything you possibly can about this disease.
You can recieve so much help on this forum. There are sections for alcoholics, as well--and for those who are new to recovery. Please check all of these out, and post here as often as you would like.
very sincerely, dandylion
Alcoholics who are actively drinking or who are sober (but not recovering--called dry drunk) will often make promised that they can't keep--not because they are lying to YOU, but, because their disease is lying to THEM.
Striking a "bargain" with an active alcoholic is an exercise in disappointment. They are unable to keep their side.
Their brain is not fully present---they do not process the same way a sober brain is able to. They have a "monster" inside their brain that is constantly talking to them and distorting their reality.
An alcoholic without an ongoing program (a vigorous one) is practically guranteed to relapse.
Please read all the "stickies" at the top of this page, and learn everything you possibly can about this disease.
You can recieve so much help on this forum. There are sections for alcoholics, as well--and for those who are new to recovery. Please check all of these out, and post here as often as you would like.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
dandylion, my mother in law has told me about the "devil" (or "monster"), too, telling him what to do and that it is up to him to fight it.
I am not a citizen of the country we live in (he is) and I don't know the system here. I am not sure what kind of ongoing support they have for people recovering from alcohol; and from my chats with the doctor and psychiatrist, I know it is a lifelong battle. But if he managed to stay off it for 5+ years, why wouldn't he do it again?
Perhaps I am thinking in too logical a term - - but this isn't something I've ever dealt with. I come from a very different world than the one addicts of anything come from: a world that is free from anything bad, actually, and I guess I've been pretty well protected by everyone around me. I mean I am aware of bad things happening, drugs, alcohol, other crimes, but I've never had any direct interaction with any of these things. I have, for example, never seen a marijuana plant in real life!
I do believe, though, that if there is a will, there is a way. May be it sounds frustrating to you (as your post comes across that way), but I think if he really wants to do it, he can and will.
I am not a citizen of the country we live in (he is) and I don't know the system here. I am not sure what kind of ongoing support they have for people recovering from alcohol; and from my chats with the doctor and psychiatrist, I know it is a lifelong battle. But if he managed to stay off it for 5+ years, why wouldn't he do it again?
Perhaps I am thinking in too logical a term - - but this isn't something I've ever dealt with. I come from a very different world than the one addicts of anything come from: a world that is free from anything bad, actually, and I guess I've been pretty well protected by everyone around me. I mean I am aware of bad things happening, drugs, alcohol, other crimes, but I've never had any direct interaction with any of these things. I have, for example, never seen a marijuana plant in real life!
I do believe, though, that if there is a will, there is a way. May be it sounds frustrating to you (as your post comes across that way), but I think if he really wants to do it, he can and will.
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