Rosiepetal

I hAd a 20yrs relationship with a man. He was into drugs,I wasn't. Went along with him cause wanted to stay with him.
We had kids together, got married etc. The drug use got more & I followed him through different drugs to meth not understanding & wanting to help butending up being taken fully by the drug myself.
He teamed up with my best friend & our marriage ended.

Had 4 years on my own, then met an alcoholic, didn't know at the time.

Had 21/2 yrs with him battling the drink until I couldn't take it no more & seperated.

Found out today he went straight from my bed to his an old exs. I'm devastated.

Is it me?

I gave my heart & soul to 2nd one.

I'm so mashed in my brain.

Is it me?

I think I'm loving, caring, helpful. obviously I'm just a big yuck codie who doesn't know better?

I'm not a bad person am I?

So sorry, falling apart & very very hurt.

eveleivibe

Rosie no it wasnt you. They did not deserve you.
You need to work on you n figure out why you are attracted to these toxic people.
Read the stickies at the top n keep posting.
Have you thought of going to al anon to meet up with like-minded ppl?
Please try not to be down on yourself, easier said than done i know.
But these men were just a bunch of ******* n you deserve better.

Think of it this way they did you a favour would you really want to be around these ppl hoping that they'll stop their self destructive behaviour when you can be happy n free. Every negative breeds a positive.

Hugs n take it easy xxxx

Seren

Hello rosie

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I think many of us here have felt exactly the same way at some point or another.

To answer your questions:
Is it you? (as in are you running people off) No. But you might want to ask yourself why you believe that all you deserve is a relationship with an abusive and addicted man. You deserve much better treatment.

I'm not a bad person am I? No you are not a bad person. Not at all. You are someone who deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and love.

I know that after my first husband cheated on me and filed for divorce, I asked myself the very same questions. There was a period of time when I really fell apart. I cried in the shower in the mornings, I cried in the car on the way home from work, I cried most of the evenings.

Little bits at a time it got better. Each day was a little bit easier. Please take good care of yourself right now as you grieve--try to get enough sleep, eat well, exercise when you can. It helps.

dollydo

Sometimes we have underlieing issues that cause us to pick sick unavailable partners. I know I did, I was raised in the home of alcoholics, so as an adult (until I got healthy) I lived what I learned and married 2 alcoholics and then hooked up with an alcoholic drug user. Horrific experience, never to be repeated.

Meeting helped me, find me. I read everything I could get my hands on regarding Codependendcy and went to therapy, sometimes we need to reach out and get to the source of why we make bad relationship decisions.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain, keep working on you, it will get better.

LifeRecovery

I have found that being codependent usually means that you are caring and giving.

For me though it always mean that I don't take care of myself. If I don't take care of myself, who else will.

I have been living with codependency since I was a little kid. It has influenced a lot of relationships (including my choice in a husband), but also how I interact with friends and family.

I am very fearful that if I don't find recovery and work it I will also find another relationship with someone who is addicted.

What I am doing to try to help myself in this regard is working on the relationships I have now (I am in the process of ending a lot of friendships that are not working for me), and like another poster said being more in tune with me, myself and I for "red" flags that might pop up in my interactions with people.

This takes time. I spent a long time with my grief (my husband had an affair and it finally got me dealing with the alcoholism).

Dealing with alcoholism and/or affairs are hard I am sorry you are dealing with both.

Sueski

Please don't apologize for your pain and confusion - don't do that to yourself. And please don't bash yourself. Take a deep breath, and another.

You have so much to offer, but maybe right now you should offer it to yourself. Be helpful, caring and loving to Rosiepetal? Just a thought.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. It sucks but it will pass and you will be wiser and stronger.

marie1960

Oh rosie, I understand your hurt.

His ability to jump from relationship to relationship confirms how emotionally unavailable he really is.

She will be walking in your shoes before she knows what hit her.... nothing has changed, ...........

You deserve better, Rosie.
Believe
things are going to turn around for you.
(((hugs)))

ZiggyB

You are definitely NOT a bad person...

I know I have been battling feelings of guilt and shame that were so bad I have been seeing a therapist to help me figure it all out.

My last boyfriend was an alcoholic who was verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative. He dumped all of his toxic crap on me and blamed me and my "problems" for everything!

Addicts are not the healthiest of people emotionally -- you can't be taking all the blame on yourself.

I read a good quote recently: "Men may come and go, but the coming and going should not affect a woman's sense of beauty and self-worth"

And set the bar higher for the next guy who comes along. If he shows any signs of addiction, just head for the hills!

Tuffgirl

Rosie, bear with me as I am about to throw a little gentle "tough love" your way.

Is it you? Yes.

But not in the way you are thinking right now. Your stinkin thinkin right now is clouding your ability to step back and objectively look at these relationships. It's ok, the hurt is normal. But to internalize the sense of rejection from men who were not emotionally available to have a relationship with you in the first place is where it does become something you are responsible for.

So yes, it is you - your "picker" is broken.

What attracts you to addicts and then tries very hard to have an intimate and health relationship with them? You've done it twice now. Once, and that's understandable...maybe we didn't know what we were getting into. But twice? That's a pattern forming.

Have you considered some therapy to look deeply at your perspectives that lead you to be attracted to unavailable men? I did - it was very enlightening to find out I was seeking a level of comfort from childhood that I really can control as a grown woman and I can actually strive to change those patterns!

I also learned that I lean toward being emotionally unavailable myself, so its easy to be attracted to someone who mirrors that in me. I am aware of it now - I recognize I spent years in relationships with one foot out propping the back door open. No wonder I am attracted to men who don't demand more from me. I haven't wanted to give it.

It's not that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way you are as a woman in a relationship with a man. It's who you are choosing in the first place and why.

It's obvious to me that you are a kind, gentle, deeply emotional soul. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone appreciate that and cherish it? If so, then start looking inside yourself at the real reasons why you choose men who are less than worthy of what you have to offer.

Peace and hugs,
~T

tomsteve

Is it me?
welp, IMO depends on yer motives for gettin into relationships with sick people.

I'm not a bad person am I?

no, yer not a bad person, just a sick person. but there is a solution!