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Very down right now

Old 11-09-2012, 04:17 PM
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Very down right now

Tonight is my son's 14th birthday party. I asked AH to go with us while we were talking a few days ago and he said he would go. I got home from the grocery store today and AH had just gotten home. He had been MIA all day and since he works from home, I have no idea where he was.

So, he disappears without saying hello to us and goes into his office giving us the indication he was on the phone, but I didn't hear him talking to anyone. I go get the mail and walking up the driveway, I see him getting into his car in a hurry. He leaves and tells me he may not be back for the party. He was going to get gas and go to Staples. Seriously?

I'm just ticked off and down right now......just need some gentle support.
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:22 PM
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The best thing I ever did for myself and my kids was to drop all expectations of their father. Now that I expect nothing from him, on the rare occasion he does something I like, it's like a bonus. Extracting promises from him was a guarantee that I would be disappointed.

Have fun with your son! If your AH misses it, his loss.

L
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:26 PM
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Make the best of the time that you do have with your son. I hope the two of you can enjoy it!
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:31 PM
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If you do not expect anything you will never be disappointed.

Your hubby is on his own agenda, he is just doing what addicts do.

I am sorry, however, it is...what it is. Enjoy your time with your son, and let him enjoy his party!
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:51 PM
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Hugs liz. Really sorry this has happened for both you n your son.
Please try to enjoy the party as best you can for your son n after go have a warm bath or try doing something relaxing for YOU.
Thinking of you. Please take care of yourself n keep posting for support.
Xxxx
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Old 11-09-2012, 05:16 PM
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I think it was Cyranoak who said "Adjust your expectations to match your reality."
I have a stickynote with that message on my computer, and one on my fridge.

It's painful to give up hope. But it's also painful to constantly be disappointed.
And it's one thing when you're just disappointed for you, quite another when you're disappointed on behalf of your child. That pain is quite devastating, and I know it well. (((hugs)))
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:14 PM
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How did your son react? How sad for him!!
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Old 11-09-2012, 07:04 PM
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Isn't this like... going to the hardware store for bread?

Don't set yourself up to be disappointed and the hard part is for a child to learn to adjust to same.

I had too... and my mom didn't protect me or teach me boundaries. Inappropriate behavior is well... inappropriate. He is not trustworthy and and I am so sorry he hurt his family again.

Have fun... really! Fuggidabout the guy! He is missing out on a memory and milestone...so go make it special anyway!
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Old 11-09-2012, 07:19 PM
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My father left us when I was 12 (for another woman, he did not drink). It to this day is with me. But I had a strong Mom who did not cover for him. She never said a word bad about him (even when I found out as an adult that he never paid child support and left for a close family friend).

She let me form my opinion of him with his actions and words. When I was younger, I thought to myself "why doesn't she explain more of what is going on?". As an adult with children, I think I know why.

I know you are at the beginning of this journey with your husband, but it can end up ok, you have choices too! I'm sure that isn't the way you had it planned. The main reason I stopped drinking was due to the guilt - my wife did not marry me to have a drunk roommate!

I hope your son had a great birthday and the selfishness of his father did not dampen it.

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Old 11-09-2012, 08:23 PM
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Thanks everyone, well there's an update:

He was coming up the driveway as I was leaving and he said he wanted to come. I had my son and 2 of his best friends in the car so we made room and AH came along. We got along well and even played some air hockey together.


Yet, right when I was posting the original thread here he called and said we had no money in the checking account. Well, I hadn't been watching it and when I checked I realized he had been withdrawing 100$ over on every purchase he made within the past 5 days or so. Every debit was over $100 so it took our account down. Now, I know he's been hiding money and I was OK with it but when he does this over a short period of time, I'm kinda ticked off. So, I checked both our safes in the house where we keep some emergency funds and saw that he had also removed $70 from there and dated the entry with today's date. I have no idea what he's up to: maybe a safe deposit box? Maybe gambling? There are a myriad of ideas but I know he wants to protect his money from me in case we divorce so I'm assuming he's just hiding it somewhere.

Anyway, I'll have to have a talk with him about the money stuff and just ask him to keep his debits to a lower amount and to be more careful. It's soooo not like him to be so careless with our money, he's always been a stickler for stuff like this. And, I've been doing a terrible job of managing my own spending, too, so I have plenty of blame falling on me as I'm the one who pays the bills and knows where things are going wrong. Time for me to get a handle on things. There's no way I'm going to get a handle on him, that's for sure, LOL!

Thanks for the thoughts. I know I shouldn't have had any expectations and that's why I didn't tell my son that AH was even thinking of going with us. I figured I might as well not disappoint him so when AH came along, it was a pleasant surprise.
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Old 11-09-2012, 08:54 PM
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He may be gambling or using drugs. It is very common for alcoholics to cross over into drug addiction as well. It's the progression of the disease.
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Old 11-09-2012, 09:22 PM
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LIZ, have you thought of any ways to protect yourself financially. If he is willing to bleed down the household moneys for some scurulous reason----just asking him to be a little more careful is unlikely to produce positive results.

You need to protect yourself---he sure isn't going to!

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Old 11-09-2012, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LIZ, have you thought of any ways to protect yourself financially. If he is willing to bleed down the household moneys for some scurulous reason----just asking him to be a little more careful is unlikely to produce positive results.

You need to protect yourself---he sure isn't going to!

dandylion
Well, the easiest way to protect myself is to file for legal separation. Not sure I want to take that route since I made a pact with our marriage therapist that I wouldn't file anything until we've done 90 days with counseling.

I have some money in my name only and a few accounts where I am the primary. I can always liquidate the stocks and move the cash to an account in my name only. I have a friend who's a financial advisor and I need to call him and then I need to call a lawyer. He's just been acting weirder and weirder, making me think that something is going on but I just can't put a finger on it yet.
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Old 11-09-2012, 10:12 PM
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A pact with a marriage counselor does not trump self-protection. I doubt the marriage counselor is privy to the strange behavior you describe. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself even at the risk of letting someone else down. And I would not be one bit surprised if your AH is counting on you keeping that "pact" and using it to further his own self-interest.

L
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Old 11-09-2012, 10:39 PM
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I am just so curious about why you would continue to put up with all this? Bad enough how it all impacts you but what about your son?

Just what has he been learning about becoming a man?

By the way it is typical NPD behavior to throw a fit and create drama around someone getting more attention then they are....your son's birthday falls into that category! My NPD husband cried because his kids got gifts on their B'day but he felt he should also be acknowledged because he was the dad with gifts! I mean...really cried.....but I guess he could have thrown a tantrum and not agreed to be there for their party....same thing in the end right?
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Old 11-09-2012, 10:49 PM
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I made a pact with our marriage therapist that I wouldn't file anything until we've done 90 days with counseling.
OK, this made me SPIT NAILS!!!

What the ever-loving F***?

I can NOT believe a counselor would say something like that. A PACT??? Holy hell. That's just wrong on so many levels I can't even...

No, here, I think this is it: The counselor basically gave your AH carte blanche to do whateverthehell he wants for 90 days, and is expecting you to not protect yourself and your son because you've made a pact with him/her.

That's bordering on abuse as far as I'm concerned.
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Old 11-09-2012, 10:54 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
OK, this made me SPIT NAILS!!!

What the ever-loving F***?

I can NOT believe a counselor would say something like that. A PACT??? Holy hell. That's just wrong on so many levels I can't even...

No, here, I think this is it: The counselor basically gave your AH carte blanche to do whateverthehell he wants for 90 days, and is expecting you to not protect yourself and your son because you've made a pact with him/her.

That's bordering on abuse as far as I'm concerned.
I was thinking the same exact thing. I can't imagine my therapist asking me to make any kind of "pact." Highly unprofessional but probably a "misunderstanding."
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:33 PM
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Now, I know he's been hiding money and I was OK with it b
I find this very strange. Why be "ok" with an H hiding money???
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:58 PM
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I'm sorry you were feeling down earlier. I totally get that and also agree that things got easier when I dropped the expectations.

Forget the counselor. You don't owe her a single thing.

Something is going on.

My ex was not skilled enough to be sneaky (and he had no warning) but when it came down to it I really underestimated his willingness to throw me (and his kids by default) under the bus to both get as much as he could for himself and to make me pay. It was out of character and unexpected.

Your ah knows this marriage is on precarious footing, he is smart and capable, he is functioning with an addicts brain, he is preoccupied and unpredictable, and he is very self center and self focused. To trust that he will have your best interest in mind, or even be fair, might be underestimating him.
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Old 11-10-2012, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife View Post
I find this very strange. Why be "ok" with an H hiding money???
Mainly because I've been doing the same thing and I think he knows about it. I would take out $40 and keep 20 for myself. I did my accumulation over the course of 5-6 months, though, mainly in case he flips out and I needed to leave. I left the money with my mom this past week but I noticed that the envelope had been tampered with before I flew back last week so I think this might be his way of retaliating. I had told him last year that I was setting up an account for myself to establish my own credit and savings. At the time, he was OK with it. Now, I think it's become war because everything to him is a battle to win.

As for the therapist, he's a guy and I like him well enough. Since I was the one sitting on the proverbial fence, he specifically asked me to give the marriage counseling 90 days before I filed anything(divorce, separation) and I agreed. Doesn't mean I'm bound to it, I'm sure I can choose otherwise. AH is convinced that I have the paperwork in my desk drawer all ready to go. I'm guessing this is part of the reason that he's hiding the cash.

AH has been sleeping on the couch for the past few nights instead of in the spare bedroom. Why sleep on the loveseat with your feet hanging off when you can sleep on a bed in the other room? I swear he gets weirder and weirder.
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