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Old 11-10-2012, 04:37 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I agree with Thumper and the other posters. He is up to something and as for the pact and the counselor thing, I'd deep six both of them. Before marriage counselling can work you both have to get healthy on your own, neither of you are getting healthy.
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Old 11-10-2012, 04:45 AM
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Your betting on the wrong horse, time to get out of this race, and save your sanity.....
He won't change.
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Old 11-10-2012, 05:17 AM
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"The War Of The Roses"
Is there any way that the two of you could get together with someone like a solid friend and just say to each-other what is really going on?
You have both been playing at getting help.
There is no real honesty.
He thinks/knows that you have one foot out the door, and visa versa.
This is going nowhere.

Regarding the birthday, I am glad that the birthday went well, but to be quite honest,
it would have been fine anyway.

Every single childhood celebration in my house growing up was ruined by the emotionally bankrupt father. I wish my mother had just plowed ahead with her own life.
It is like being behind a slow incompetent driver on the road.
"If you cannot drive, that is OK, but could you please pull over, so the rest of us who can go and not all have to sit behind you crawling along?"
One person should not have that control over everyone else in the house.

I had many friends who had fathers who were not father of the year material.
They just brought home the bacon and left the mother do their thing.
But, they didn't ruin everything, kind of like the medical thing, "First, do no harm".
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Old 11-10-2012, 05:35 AM
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The situation in your house is escalating Liz and I'm very scared for you.

I went through the same power struggle. It was passive aggressive... No yelling or screaming which my XAH used to justify that all was "okay.". It wasn't. Under all the silence is a rage building like you can even imagine... And when it surfaced... It was horrifying.

Stop fooling yourself. You and your son ARE in danger. You and your AH are playing a deadly game with each other... And your son is stuck in the middle. Neither of you are "in" the marriage. Do the right thing and pull the plug.


I know we aren't suppose to give advice... So apologize... This thread hit a nerve in me... A big one.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:00 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
I agree with Thumper and the other posters. He is up to something and as for the pact and the counselor thing, I'd deep six both of them. Before marriage counselling can work you both have to get healthy on your own, neither of you are getting healthy.
You know, I feel healthy at times. I feel confident at times. I feel happy at times, too. I do feel that I'm getting healthy, but I also feel that his insanity keeps dragging me down and I get caught in my own obsession's over it.

How do I get healthy while ignoring him? I have detached emotionally in many ways. He doesn't rile me up or make me cry like he used to, he can't push my buttons like he used to, I consider that some 'getting healthy' on my part.

I was hoping that some real honest stuff would come out of marriage counseling but I've found that AH monopolizes a lot of the time by talking about himself and how people don't like him and can't handle him, etc. The last session we must have spent about 15-20 minutes just listening to him talk about himself. To which, I pointed out, would be a great indication that he needs individual therapy. Anyway, I know what you're all getting at here. I know this brings up things that triggers all of you and I know that my hopefulness and denial about the severity of the issue drives you all crazy. I have a long way to go to get to 100% healthy, but I promise you all that I am trying almost too hard and maybe that's part of the problem?
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:16 AM
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No Liz, Your trying "too hard" is not the problem. The problem is that you are l iving in the same type of toxic situation that caused your problems in the first place. A person cannot heal under the same forces that made them "sick" in the first place. You are beating a dead horse because you are afraid to face the changes that you will have to make.

It is almost universally accepted by everyone that marriage counseling with an active alcoholic is useless---and, often causes more harm.

Liz, you can face your fears and move forward or hang on and go down with a sinking ship. This is the harsh reality of living with a sick person who is also an active alcoholic who is spirling downward.

I am not saying this to be critical, but because I care about you.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:17 AM
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It's just so easy to see what's going on from here. (Much harder when you're in the middle of it.)

Your marriage counseling is a sham. It almost appears as if your AH lured you into it just to buy himself some time.

He is not willing to change and you are not willing to accept him as he is. There's no where to go from there.

Almost every post you write mentions not trusting him. And I don't blame you. He's not trustworthy.

He has shown you in the past that he believes rules and laws that apply to others don't apply to him. He is not going to treat you fairly in marriage or separation. You need to protect yourself--the sooner the better.

L
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:17 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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You have a very tight knit circle going on in your house, you are a SAHM, you home school, so your son is there and your hubby works from home. That is alot of togetherness and perhaps
some thought might be given to making some changes in your life. You are educated and capable, perhaps finding yourself a job out of the house and allowing your son to go to a regular school might be of help in untangling this circle, IMO there is too much of a power struggle going on, too much control being bartered for.

Getting healthy takes lots of work and time, it does not happen overnight, keep moving forward at your own pace....Rome wasn't built in a day.
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Old 11-10-2012, 07:48 AM
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You will need to ignore him to get healthy. Being enmeshed in my husband's problems, playing the guessing games, trying to fugure him out, his next move, etc. - kept me sick.

I know you are sitting on the fence, I was too. I decided "Until I get healthy, I will not make any decisions because I want to make a healthy decision." But Liz my husband is working on his recovery, making positive changes and I still don't know what I want. Recovery is difficult too, it is not the "magic" fix, many of us believe it will be.

I opened a SDB without his knowledge, and have been stashing money away. Like you, I was an at home MOM, and he was the sole income earner for the past few years. If he decides to stop working on his recovery, I am gone!! No if, ands, or buts.

My boundary is firm - I will NOT like with someone in active addiction."
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Old 11-10-2012, 02:15 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
You have a very tight knit circle going on in your house, you are a SAHM, you home school, so your son is there and your hubby works from home. That is alot of togetherness and perhaps
some thought might be given to making some changes in your life. You are educated and capable, perhaps finding yourself a job out of the house and allowing your son to go to a regular school might be of help in untangling this circle, IMO there is too much of a power struggle going on, too much control being bartered for.

Getting healthy takes lots of work and time, it does not happen overnight, keep moving forward at your own pace....Rome wasn't built in a day.
My son's tennis schedule keeps us out of the house often enough and he takes classes at a homeschool co-op on a large church campus 2 days a week. I am gone more than you think and AH travels bi-weekly for week and is gone for 3 days a week or more.

I am currently researching part time job opportunities because I couldn't do full time with my son's schedule, as I can't count on AH to do any driving, orthodontic appointments, or tennis tournaments. His travel tournaments require me to be gone from Friday to Monday about twice a month and practices start at 4 during the week. Most of the kids have at least one parent who doesn't work or who has serious flexibility in their work schedule (think independently wealthy or people who can make their own hours). None of the kids he trains with live in our part of town so I can't find a ride for him.

Rome may not have been built in a day, I know, but I am getting impatient with myself and I know it's my own fault. Dragging my feet, etc. Living in denial. I see him in his disease and there's a part of me that still has compassion despite my mistrust of him, etc. I guess I keep clinging to that one thread, that's slowly becoming skinnier and more worn as the days wear on.
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Old 11-10-2012, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess I keep clinging to that one thread, that's slowly becoming skinnier and more worn as the days wear on.
What is that "one thread?" I'm not asking for me, and you don't have to answer me publicly, but I think if you can identify it, examine it closely, you might just have a breakthrough.

I can tell you what kept me hanging on for far too long. It was fear. Not fear of making it on my own, but fear of failure. I saw divorce as failure. I had to do some serious work around that issue before I could get past it. I don't know what the "thread" is for you, but I bet it's just one core issue, one deeply held belief that may not even be true. At least that's what it was for me.

L
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Old 11-10-2012, 04:17 PM
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Mine was fear too. I was frightened of hurting him! HAH! Frightened of hurting him? He was killing ME bit by bit and day by day and he didn't care one little bit.

I described what it was like living with him to a friend. She said that the extreme rage both of us were obviously feeling was very dangerous and it could lead to a very dangerous outcome. That's when I think I knew I had to get him out in order to save myself and my kids.
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