velma929

I buried my AH two and a half years ago.

In September I met someone who seemed like a good match. On paper, he was perfect. There was just one thing that bothered me: his hands shook during the day.

We discussed health issues, (I'm approaching retirement age, he is retired) he didn't mention anything that would cause that, and *denied his hands shook.* He *seemed* to be overly attached to his evening scotch.

I didn't bring up drinking, since whether he was one or wasn't one, he say he wasn't. I just couldn't get past this one symptom. So on Tuesday night I told him I wasn't going to see him any more.

We live two hours apart, so being able to observe him on a day to day basis would be impossible. I just wonder if I'll ever trust anyone again, or fall in love again.

SparkleKitty

Trust your instincts. At the very least, he denied a very blatant physical symptom so he's either in denial or trying to hide something. Not a good sign in a potential partner.

I hope you don't give up on trust and love just because of this one guy!

dollydo

Trust your gut, life is too short to hook up with an alcoholic.

I am 65 years old and live by myself, only date on occasion, am as happy as a lark, if it is mean't to be...Mr Right will come along, don't settle for less.

lillamy

You're not damaged. You've learned to pay attention to red warning flags. You saw them and backed off. That's not being damaged. That's being smart.

eveleivibe

Sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.
No i do not think you are damaged goods - you just have more awareness of certain things now due to the past. For instance, if your late husband had not been an alcoholic would you have noticed the shaking hands of the bloke you dated?
With awareness comes knowledge n knowledge is power so rather than think of yourself as damaged goods maybe think of yourself as empowered???

Instead of worrying whether you'll meet a decent bloke just enjoy being single, go out with friends - find new activities n meet new ppl.

Best of luck
Evey xxx

Tuffgirl

Ok - just because I work in the gerontology field...shaking hands can be a sign of other things, like Parkinson's or other neurological disorders, anxiety, medication side effects, MS, too much caffeine...

However, if he denied his hands are shaky, especially if he's standing in front of you with shaky hands, that's the real underlying issue. Why lie?

Lies, even lies through denial, are a red flag.

It's not about you, its about him. I know its hard, but try not to take it too personally.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I really don't know but I am having a very difficult time trying to trust anyone again and I'm 44. My last ex broke my heart so many times and I feel terrible about myself.

I do know that people's hands shake for various reasons, I knew a girl who drank too much caffeine and that's what made her hands shake. The fact that your love interest denied it seems very odd to me though. Why not just come clean and admit to the obvious?

eveleivibe

Just playing devils advocate here if he did have one of the above stated conditions, it is possible he could have denied the shaking hands as a defence mechanism of accepting an illness for instance, it being a sign of being less independent / active. Just thought I'd put that out there. .

eveleivibe

Just giving you a hug. Its ok to have trust issues. You've been hurt n it takes time to heal xxx

lillamy

Anyone ever read Gavin De Becker? I'm a big believer in his thinking that our brain takes in more information than we consciously process, and that when we say "I have a gut feeling" that something's off with someone, or "I don't know why but that guy just creeps me out" -- it may be because we're biased ("that guy" dresses funny or reminds us of the creepy guy next door when we were kids) but it may also be that our brain has observed something it has interpreted as a warning sign -- it just hasn't sent our conscious mind the memo yet.

I trust my gut now. I didn't when I met AXH. I had so many warning bells going off it almost made me deaf. But I couldn't explain why so I talked myself out of it. Biggest mistake ever.

Any time I hear myself making up excuses for someone else and explanations why my gut feeling is probably wrong, I reach for my revolver. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

velma929

That's the thing, Tuffgirl. We did discuss the fact that he's ten years older than me; that he's had surgery for prostate cancer; that he's going to make better time kayaking a mile than walking it; that he sleeps with a CPAP machine. He's not a coffee drinker.

Cyranoak

...IMHO all of us who have been in relationships with alcoholics have been damaged by those relationships. And, it's OK. It happened, we were injured by others and/or ourselves and that's a fact.

But, did you learn and are you healing? That's the real question. The fact you've been, or are, damaged isn't nearly as important.

I would argue that you did learn, and you applied your learning in this situation. His hands were shaking, he denied it, and so whether or not he's too attached to scotch is almost immaterial. With good reason you have ruled him out, and now you are moving on. Well done.

That said, it appears you may still be attracted to wounded birds. Perhaps that's something to work on with a therapist, in Alanon or both. I'm not saying this is true, I'm just saying consider that it may be.

Take care,

Cyranoak

dollydo

Well, let's say he in not an alcoholic...do you really want to be the caretaker of a unhealthy man? I have been married 2 times, both died of cancer, the last one had cancer for 12 years, it was pure h#ll, for both of us, he the patient and me the caretaker.

velma929

He's relatively healthy. But as my phone-a-friend pointed out the night before the break-up, ten years difference is kind of getting up there, his desire to have a serious relationship (he wants to spend every weekend together) is a little unsettling after only six weeks, and he was widowed in August. P-a-f's assessment was, "That's f----ed up."

And (shallow Velma admits) the CPAP machine is rather unromantic.

shawty80

my xabf is only 32 and his hands shake something fierce. when he went to in-patient detox, he was seen by a neurologist and diagnosed with familial tremors. his father, who rarely ever drinks, also has them. they are MUCH more pronounced when he's been drinking, though!

ZiggyB

thanks.
I am sick of dating right now, it takes so much effort and when things go wrong it takes forever to heal. Maybe someday I'll get back to it again.

thislonelygirl

i wouldnt say damaged if anything i would say repaired more than the average person. you know what to look for and are being more intelligently decisive in your potential partners. thats a good thing. i have told myself if it doesnt work with me and my ah then im not goin to date for awhile and be sooooooo picky that it looks like im buying a new house lol
cant take any chances.

Sueski

You're not damaged goods. You know to trust your gut. This is healthy!!!!!!