Am I looking too much into it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Am I looking too much into it?
Hi, I was hoping you can help me figure out if I'm (or will be in the future) facing drinking problem. Or am I just overeacting? I am so sorry this came out so long, I was trying to give a comlpete picture...
My boyfriend and I are togerther for 3,5 year. When we were living together he wasn't drinking as much as he wanted to. We had a lot of arguments about it. I used to have alcohol at home before, that could have been left for ages untouched. Since he moved in, the alcohol evaporated every time I bought it, so I stopped. He would bug me to let him drink it untill I gave in and let him. He would drink untill wasted.
After a year he moved out. I was pregnant (planned) and he wasn't dealing well with that. He also had an awful relationship with my child with mild autism. I called it over between us particullary for that reason. He was fighting with my son and me when I was coping with his disability. These are only times when I saw him losing it, getting furious and I was terrified of our safety.
After our baby was born he visited a couple of times a week. He was drinking a lot back then blaming it on me and his depression.
Eventualy we got closer again. I love him very much, he is a sweet, caring man (I know it doesn't look that way from this post but I just focused on my concern). We hit a rough path in our history but I believe it was the two of us to blame. We are commited to adress our issues and work on our relationship now. Things improved dramatically including his approach to my autistic child. Two months ago we mentioned marriage. It's just his drinking that worry me. He would stay overnight at his palce to do washing and drink untill pass out every 5 days most of the time. He's place is an absolute mess, covered in dirty laundry, rubbish, bottles food leftovers and all sort of things. Health hazard to say the least.
When I confront him about drinking alone he says it's socially acceptable, but he has no friends to drink with and it's too expensive to go out. He claims he enjoys drinking. He argues drinking is a popular activity for the weekends. He says he would love to drink with me but I don't want to, or can't because I suffer bad migraines often triggered by alcohol. Sometimes by just a smell of it.
He becomes deffensive and makes me feel guilty if I ask questions.
His mother was a heavy, angry alcoholic, abusing him mentaly and physically. He was relieved when she died.
After reading many posts I realised my BF drinking is rather low compared to others. I feel like I overreact indeed. But there's the thing: his drinking pattern is and was affecting our relationship.
I've learned not to bring the subject as I will hear something along controling him, forbidding to have a beer or a drink that he deserves. I don't forbid, there's nothing wrong in having a beer. But I know it's not going to be A beer or A drink, it will be drinking untill wasted and falling asleep/ pass out.
He will avoid food as he can't get drunk fast when he's eaten. He takes breaks from our family - drinking. That means he's not available in the evenings and next morning untill late afternoon. That also means I would have to cover for him and lie to our child (1,5 y.o) why he is away. Just like I lie to my older child now.
We don't have much quality time together, yet when we both have time he'd rather go and get drunk. Even when we had an occasional drink together in the past, he never stopped untill very drunk or the bottle was empty. It didn't look like he had good time at all. He was focused on getting drunk fast and fall asleep. I don't drink with him anymore. He is rude and insulting when drinking.
He usually won't admit he is going to drink, or will lie about the amount. He lies in general often with no good reason. He would rather say he is going to stay at his place to do washing. And by the way maybe have a beer.
He also got used to twist everything to make me feel guilty so he could come out as the good guy. Somehow everything turned out to be my fault. We are working on this 2 months now and we manage not to repeat the old patterns.
On the other hand, he doesn't drink every day, doesn't drink and drive, he keeps his job and money alright, never had law problems related to drinking. It seems the only problem with alcohol he has - is me. He believes it's me having problem with alcohol as being oversensitive with it. Am I?
I just don't see myself investing in our relationship if on top of all the issues we work on and autism, there's a drinking problem that he is not willing to face. Because if there is problem, it will get worse. That much I know.
Please can anybody give me an insight if there is a real issue or am I just overreacting?
My boyfriend and I are togerther for 3,5 year. When we were living together he wasn't drinking as much as he wanted to. We had a lot of arguments about it. I used to have alcohol at home before, that could have been left for ages untouched. Since he moved in, the alcohol evaporated every time I bought it, so I stopped. He would bug me to let him drink it untill I gave in and let him. He would drink untill wasted.
After a year he moved out. I was pregnant (planned) and he wasn't dealing well with that. He also had an awful relationship with my child with mild autism. I called it over between us particullary for that reason. He was fighting with my son and me when I was coping with his disability. These are only times when I saw him losing it, getting furious and I was terrified of our safety.
After our baby was born he visited a couple of times a week. He was drinking a lot back then blaming it on me and his depression.
Eventualy we got closer again. I love him very much, he is a sweet, caring man (I know it doesn't look that way from this post but I just focused on my concern). We hit a rough path in our history but I believe it was the two of us to blame. We are commited to adress our issues and work on our relationship now. Things improved dramatically including his approach to my autistic child. Two months ago we mentioned marriage. It's just his drinking that worry me. He would stay overnight at his palce to do washing and drink untill pass out every 5 days most of the time. He's place is an absolute mess, covered in dirty laundry, rubbish, bottles food leftovers and all sort of things. Health hazard to say the least.
When I confront him about drinking alone he says it's socially acceptable, but he has no friends to drink with and it's too expensive to go out. He claims he enjoys drinking. He argues drinking is a popular activity for the weekends. He says he would love to drink with me but I don't want to, or can't because I suffer bad migraines often triggered by alcohol. Sometimes by just a smell of it.
He becomes deffensive and makes me feel guilty if I ask questions.
His mother was a heavy, angry alcoholic, abusing him mentaly and physically. He was relieved when she died.
After reading many posts I realised my BF drinking is rather low compared to others. I feel like I overreact indeed. But there's the thing: his drinking pattern is and was affecting our relationship.
I've learned not to bring the subject as I will hear something along controling him, forbidding to have a beer or a drink that he deserves. I don't forbid, there's nothing wrong in having a beer. But I know it's not going to be A beer or A drink, it will be drinking untill wasted and falling asleep/ pass out.
He will avoid food as he can't get drunk fast when he's eaten. He takes breaks from our family - drinking. That means he's not available in the evenings and next morning untill late afternoon. That also means I would have to cover for him and lie to our child (1,5 y.o) why he is away. Just like I lie to my older child now.
We don't have much quality time together, yet when we both have time he'd rather go and get drunk. Even when we had an occasional drink together in the past, he never stopped untill very drunk or the bottle was empty. It didn't look like he had good time at all. He was focused on getting drunk fast and fall asleep. I don't drink with him anymore. He is rude and insulting when drinking.
He usually won't admit he is going to drink, or will lie about the amount. He lies in general often with no good reason. He would rather say he is going to stay at his place to do washing. And by the way maybe have a beer.
He also got used to twist everything to make me feel guilty so he could come out as the good guy. Somehow everything turned out to be my fault. We are working on this 2 months now and we manage not to repeat the old patterns.
On the other hand, he doesn't drink every day, doesn't drink and drive, he keeps his job and money alright, never had law problems related to drinking. It seems the only problem with alcohol he has - is me. He believes it's me having problem with alcohol as being oversensitive with it. Am I?
I just don't see myself investing in our relationship if on top of all the issues we work on and autism, there's a drinking problem that he is not willing to face. Because if there is problem, it will get worse. That much I know.
Please can anybody give me an insight if there is a real issue or am I just overreacting?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi daash and welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry for the reason you came looking.
The only person's opinion about his drinking that matters, as it relates to yur and your children, is yours. You don't need validation; this is how you feel and you have every right to feel that way.
It sounds like he very much likes his life on his terms. I can see how your questions and concerns threaten that, so it is in his interest to try to make you feel like it is your problem. It is up to you whether you allow that or not.
I hope you stick around and read as much of the posts and the Stickies here that you can stand. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope in this forum, and a great deal of understanding and support as well.
Again, welcome. You're not alone here.
The only person's opinion about his drinking that matters, as it relates to yur and your children, is yours. You don't need validation; this is how you feel and you have every right to feel that way.
It sounds like he very much likes his life on his terms. I can see how your questions and concerns threaten that, so it is in his interest to try to make you feel like it is your problem. It is up to you whether you allow that or not.
I hope you stick around and read as much of the posts and the Stickies here that you can stand. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope in this forum, and a great deal of understanding and support as well.
Again, welcome. You're not alone here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand!
I married a man that liked to unwind with a beer or two after work. He was fun, charming, extremely handsome and well employed. Drinking beer became his obsession over the years. Every social event revolved around drinking and if alcohol was not available, he was miserable until he could get his next drink. Which made all of us miserable. Our finances became a mess. Our relationship became troubled because he began to twist my words, blame me, manipulate me, and lie, lie, lie.
One thing I did not understand about alcohol when I married him was this:
Alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse!
Look at your ABF's deceased mom. She became a raging alcoholic. Her dis-ease likely progressed from social drinking or comfort drinking (self medicating) to the difficult person she finally became.
Research proves that children of alcoholics can inherit the gene that causes the body to react in a negative way to alcohol. Your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) may have inherited the inability to handle alcohol.
The only person that has the power to change his behavior is him.
How about you? Is this how you want to spend your future? Look at how your relationship is today. If nothing improves with his alcoholism, imagine your life 5 years from now as his addiction progresses. Imagine 10 years from now......
Some of our stories are posted in the Sticky Posts at the top of the main forum page. There is also a lot of wisdom in those posts. They have been preserved to continue making the information available to newbies like you.
Here is one of my favorite sticky posts. Following these steps helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand!
I married a man that liked to unwind with a beer or two after work. He was fun, charming, extremely handsome and well employed. Drinking beer became his obsession over the years. Every social event revolved around drinking and if alcohol was not available, he was miserable until he could get his next drink. Which made all of us miserable. Our finances became a mess. Our relationship became troubled because he began to twist my words, blame me, manipulate me, and lie, lie, lie.
One thing I did not understand about alcohol when I married him was this:
Alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse!
Look at your ABF's deceased mom. She became a raging alcoholic. Her dis-ease likely progressed from social drinking or comfort drinking (self medicating) to the difficult person she finally became.
Research proves that children of alcoholics can inherit the gene that causes the body to react in a negative way to alcohol. Your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) may have inherited the inability to handle alcohol.
The only person that has the power to change his behavior is him.
How about you? Is this how you want to spend your future? Look at how your relationship is today. If nothing improves with his alcoholism, imagine your life 5 years from now as his addiction progresses. Imagine 10 years from now......
Some of our stories are posted in the Sticky Posts at the top of the main forum page. There is also a lot of wisdom in those posts. They have been preserved to continue making the information available to newbies like you.
Here is one of my favorite sticky posts. Following these steps helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you for your replies, it's a relief to be heard. I keep on reading posts, Stickies and and Substance Abuse forums.
There's a surprise for me. I foolishly thought my BFs marihuana dependance is long gone and buried. I know for a fact he doesn't smoke anymore. He quitted shortly after we've met, as I wouldn't keep seeing him if he smokes. Now it looks to me like he just replaced one substance with another. Oh joy.
Pelican, thank you for your words, this is exactly my worry, my life with him in 5, 10 years. I have witnessed the misery alcoholism causes. It affected my family and my friends and I know there was nothing I could have done to change it despite any effort.
I realize there is a problem, I just don't recognize in what extend I'm making it a problem. I'm lost in the battle between listening to my guts versus my BFs excuses. If that makes any sense. And my guts tells me he's on his way to alcoholism, but it's still in early stages and can be prevented.
I believe he might be suffering depression and find it hard to cope with sober, dull reality. After all it's new to him, as he was stoned for over 20 yeras, since teen age. He is about to start his counselling, and I'll see how it goes from there.
dollydo, I am Acoa myself, I went through a painful and decades long road to find myself and the process never ends! I've heard of the Acoa term before, but never thought I am one. My alcoholic father was out of my life when I was just six yo. I don't really remember those years of my childchood, and I thought Acoa issues are reserved for those with a long experience with a drinking parent... this site proved me wrong.
After years of struggling with myself and my life I have accepted that I am slightly different and I may cope diffrently with whatever life brings. And that's ok.
It's like I was born without a hand, denied it and tried to function like I had two hands. But I couldnn't until I accepted it, get a fake hand and maintain it properly. And all the time. That's how it feels to me, it was taking so much effort to be where others got so easily, witout even giving it a thought. And although I am happy with myself and my life now, there are situations triggering my insecurities, and I know I need to handle my fake hand through it slightly different than flesh and bone.
Thank you for your posts and directions. It is a real help.
There's a surprise for me. I foolishly thought my BFs marihuana dependance is long gone and buried. I know for a fact he doesn't smoke anymore. He quitted shortly after we've met, as I wouldn't keep seeing him if he smokes. Now it looks to me like he just replaced one substance with another. Oh joy.
Pelican, thank you for your words, this is exactly my worry, my life with him in 5, 10 years. I have witnessed the misery alcoholism causes. It affected my family and my friends and I know there was nothing I could have done to change it despite any effort.
I realize there is a problem, I just don't recognize in what extend I'm making it a problem. I'm lost in the battle between listening to my guts versus my BFs excuses. If that makes any sense. And my guts tells me he's on his way to alcoholism, but it's still in early stages and can be prevented.
I believe he might be suffering depression and find it hard to cope with sober, dull reality. After all it's new to him, as he was stoned for over 20 yeras, since teen age. He is about to start his counselling, and I'll see how it goes from there.
dollydo, I am Acoa myself, I went through a painful and decades long road to find myself and the process never ends! I've heard of the Acoa term before, but never thought I am one. My alcoholic father was out of my life when I was just six yo. I don't really remember those years of my childchood, and I thought Acoa issues are reserved for those with a long experience with a drinking parent... this site proved me wrong.
After years of struggling with myself and my life I have accepted that I am slightly different and I may cope diffrently with whatever life brings. And that's ok.
It's like I was born without a hand, denied it and tried to function like I had two hands. But I couldnn't until I accepted it, get a fake hand and maintain it properly. And all the time. That's how it feels to me, it was taking so much effort to be where others got so easily, witout even giving it a thought. And although I am happy with myself and my life now, there are situations triggering my insecurities, and I know I need to handle my fake hand through it slightly different than flesh and bone.
Thank you for your posts and directions. It is a real help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR.
One thing stood out to me in your first post:
You are not happy with his drinking.
He is not happy with you telling him this.
There isn't a happy median there & the communication to solve the problem ends in blame.
Therefore I would say it is an unhealthy relationship.
So sorry honey, I know only to well how frustrating it is.
One thing stood out to me in your first post:
You are not happy with his drinking.
He is not happy with you telling him this.
There isn't a happy median there & the communication to solve the problem ends in blame.
Therefore I would say it is an unhealthy relationship.
So sorry honey, I know only to well how frustrating it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
He could be a functioning alcoholic n if he gets defensive there is an issue.
How is he now with your autistic child??? I had two exes with aspergers syndrome n they needed ppl to be patient with them. Its difficult because they take things literally n need routine as well as get fixated on things. I really admire you. I dont know the extent of your childs autism but do you really want to take the risk with this man possibily damaging your child?
Looks like you've been given some great advice so far. Keep posting x
How is he now with your autistic child??? I had two exes with aspergers syndrome n they needed ppl to be patient with them. Its difficult because they take things literally n need routine as well as get fixated on things. I really admire you. I dont know the extent of your childs autism but do you really want to take the risk with this man possibily damaging your child?
Looks like you've been given some great advice so far. Keep posting x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
eveleivibe I am verry impressed you have been involved with Aspies, it's a hudge challenge. And I suppose being a mum of an Aspie is one thing, but the choice to be involved romanticlally with them must be completly different story. I can only imagine how frustrating it was.
My child has Aspergers too. They get on ok with my BF now, no concern here so far.
I have talked to my BF about his drinking last night. He said he can stop and will stop if it bothers me that much. He doesn't think he has a problem (no surprise here). I'm a bit confused it went so easy this time. No making me unconfortable or blamed. I'm far from being excited about it. Now, time will show if he can keep his promise.
Thank you for the courage to confront him.
My child has Aspergers too. They get on ok with my BF now, no concern here so far.
I have talked to my BF about his drinking last night. He said he can stop and will stop if it bothers me that much. He doesn't think he has a problem (no surprise here). I'm a bit confused it went so easy this time. No making me unconfortable or blamed. I'm far from being excited about it. Now, time will show if he can keep his promise.
Thank you for the courage to confront him.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"He said he can stop and will stop if it bothers me that much."
If I've that statement one time I've heard it a 1000 times, typical verbage from an alcoholic.
I wouldn't get my hopes up, watch his actions, forget his words, they mean nothing.
If I've that statement one time I've heard it a 1000 times, typical verbage from an alcoholic.
I wouldn't get my hopes up, watch his actions, forget his words, they mean nothing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I very much hope that it actually isn't a problem for him to stop, but I am concerned that he didn't argue because he believes that even if he does drink, there won't be any consequences from it. He may be planning to just not drink around you, since he doesn't believe he has a problem. Keep your eyes open, pay attention to his actions not his words...more will be revealed.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by daash 
I believe he might be suffering depression and find it hard to cope with sober, dull reality. After all it's new to him, as he was stoned for over 20 yeras, since teen age. He is about to start his counselling, and I'll see how it goes from there.
The sentence that I bolded in your post; do you see how you have analyzed and justified his behavior? Have you asked yourself why? This may be something you wish to explore.
It is encouraging to hear that he will begin counselling soon. I hope he is honest with his counselor about his alcohol consumption.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by daash
eveleivibe I am verry impressed you have been involved with Aspies, it's a hudge challenge. And I suppose being a mum of an Aspie is one thing, but the choice to be involved romanticlally with them must be completly different story. I can only imagine how frustrating it was.
My child has Aspergers too. They get on ok with my BF now, no concern here so far.
I have talked to my BF about his drinking last night. He said he can stop and will stop if it bothers me that much. He doesn't think he has a problem (no surprise here). I'm a bit confused it went so easy this time. No making me unconfortable or blamed. I'm far from being excited about it. Now, time will show if he can keep his promise.
Thank you for the courage to confront him.
My child has Aspergers too. They get on ok with my BF now, no concern here so far.
I have talked to my BF about his drinking last night. He said he can stop and will stop if it bothers me that much. He doesn't think he has a problem (no surprise here). I'm a bit confused it went so easy this time. No making me unconfortable or blamed. I'm far from being excited about it. Now, time will show if he can keep his promise.
Thank you for the courage to confront him.
I hope bf can stay off the drink n its great he no longer blaming you as its not your fault he drinks xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
A quick update, BF got stoned one night, and the next he got drank. He acts like nothing happened.
I had the feeling it's coming. And that sickens me to the core. I'm sick of being aware of the slight shifts in the way he's acting, talking and laughing. I can't even explain it but I always know he will drink.
I had the feeling it's coming. And that sickens me to the core. I'm sick of being aware of the slight shifts in the way he's acting, talking and laughing. I can't even explain it but I always know he will drink.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
