backpedaling / questioning myself

Old 11-07-2012, 07:34 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 6
backpedaling / questioning myself

A little background... Two months ago I took the kids, fought and eventually won so my wife only gets supervised visitation. She is in complete denial. She is quacking and sleeping around, and wants me to withdraw the 'lawsuit' and let her back into the house. We have a 2 and a 3.5 year old.

I've been to a few al-anon meetings, and I feel strong in what I've done to protect myself and the kids.

Her downward spiral has only intensified since she's been out of the home.

I tell myself I'm willing to forgive her behavior, even the infidelity due to the advanced stage of her alcoholism.

I know I probably need to let her go, fully... but I am holding on to the fantasy of my wife, and the mother of my children. They cry for her every night.

My hope is that she will eventually hit bottom and that I will be willing to take her back and we will slowly rebuild our lives for ourselves and our children. I am not ready to let go of that hope. I don't know why, or how to let go of that hope.

As I watch from afar as she continues to act in a way that is destroying our marriage and family, I question the path I have chosen and wonder if there is something I can "do". Obviously I am still nose deep in co-dependence and the need for control.

I question the idea of letting her back into the house, putting up with the pain for myself with a late stage alcoholic in denial, but perhaps bringing her closer to the kids, with the hope that it would influence her into recovery.

As I read that last sentence, I know how foolish it sounds. I know I am contradicting myself, but I can't help it.

I realize that rolling back the boundaries I fought so hard for, custody of the kids, no financial support of her, etc would be enabling. That these are the repercussions of her actions, even if they were brought on by my pre-al-anon mindset.

How do I let go? How do I give up on my wife? my family? When will I realize that it is already lost and I need to make the break?
texassuccess is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 07:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I believe it happened for me when I worked through the Acceptance stage in my recovery.

There are 3 stages of recovery:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

You appear to be aware of your situation: Wife is alcoholic, in denial, and (a list of unacceptable behaviors).

I had the awareness of how unhealthy my marriage had become. I was accepting unacceptable behavior from my life partner. Yet I continued to hold onto magical thinking that maybe it could change, if only.......

Breaking free of the magical thinking involved facing my reality.

The reality that my partner did not respect me, our family, our life.
My partner valued his lifestyle. period.
We no longer shared the same values.

I was powerless to change his values.
I was powerless to change his behaviors.
I was powerless to change him.

With time I finally grew from magical thinking to seeing my reality. That is when my confusion stopped. I faced my reality. I accepted my reality.

It was liberating and painful to accept my reality. My SR family and my Alanon family helped me through the process.

Then I was ready to take action.
Pelican is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:00 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
dont worry about what your doing, what your feeling and what others may think. you made the best decision for you, your children and for her. i know because im in almost the same boat and we will feel every emotion and sometimes all at once and will will hope and pray and thats ok!! i too struggled with letting my control of the situation go and thats ok if you are too! she may be getting worse as alcoholism gets worse but believe me if you left its because youve tried everything else you can think of first....so really if this is what you had to do to protect and fix your family then this is what you had to do. i left my ah 6 days ago...i count the days (its interesting that i do) but that is me being hopeful.
Let your wife think to herself and be there for herself and if god hoping she will think and be there for her recovery.
try not to feel guilty for the decision youve made, i know it hard because my ah the first few days was quacking at me as your wife is doing to you. my ah called me numerous times from sad, to hurt and all the way to angry leaving voicemails. i ignored them when i knew he had been drinking and im not going to listen to drunk nonsense.
just because you are not there with her doesnt mean you have any less control as you did being there....after all you truly had no control. control with your alcholic loved one is an illusion being that they must want it for themselves and will hide lie and deceive you to get it.
my ah too has done hurtful and in normal circumstances even unforgiving things but i forgave him as you have your wife (and that is healthy) because your wife is not herself as long as she is using. it is not a fantasy to hold onto the woman you love and the mother of your children...i have hope for my ah and i hold onto him.
your wife is sick but if she chooses not to be ...she will recover.
thislonelygirl is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:01 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
CentralOhioDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Mr. Texas,

As a doting father of a 2.5 year old, I will say this: you do it by reminding yourself that there is nothing you can do to help her at this point; and that you must think first of your children, then of yourself, and then - way down the line of imprtance - her.

Read some of the postings on Adult Children of Alcoholics, and other articles about the situation - you need to protect your precious children from this insiduous and destructive disease. You can't save her, you can't save your marriage, she is married to, and has a relationship with, the bottle. And until she comes to some point that she realizes that is a toxic relationship, you and your dear little ones should be nowhere near her.

She is an adult, she can, and will, manage to survive - if she wants to. If she doesn't and continues the destructive path she is on, then that is her doing, and hers alone.

Do you want your little ones to have to witness all of this? I think not.

Go back and read prior postings and especially the ones where children are involved, and take in what these people are telling about the pain the children experience - even in situations not as dire as yours.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of your little ones, and take care of yourself - they need you to be strong and healthy - two things that your Wife is certainly not.

You fought for your children two months ago when you knew what needed to be done. Remember what led you to that point, and continue to do what is right for them.

Blessings,
C-OH Dad
CentralOhioDad is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:04 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I think you answered a lot of your question above already! You know in your head that you've done the right thing, but your heart still pains because of it all. You love her, that's ok to admit. Doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to her addict behavior, nor your kids!

You can hope all you want without putting your family (whom you are now wholly responsible for) in the middle of alcoholic-fueled drama and chaos. You can pray for her, and help her IF she decides to get sober and needs some support then.

You can fantasize about what life would be like if she were sober and healthy, and enjoy those as fantasies only. You don't need to act on anything.

If you did have the power to change her, wouldn't it have happened already? Losing you and the kids and her home, wouldn't that have been a catalyst? What more do you think you can do?

Sucks, I know. Hang in there. Prayers for a peaceful day,
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:05 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
I am so sorry that you're going thru this. To be honest, when I go to Al-anon meetings, the stories that break my heart the most are the ones from the couple of dads there. It is beyond my wildest imagination how a mother can become an alcoholic, and not do everything to correct the situation so as to be able to mother her children. I cry everytime these men speak. Absolutely heart-breaking.


First...has your wife been treated for depression and/or anxiety issues? It's very likely that she suffers from one/both and uses alcohol to cope.

Secondly...I wouldn't let her back into the home until she "gets it" and is SOBER for a convincing amount of time. However, since the little ones want/love their mommy, I would try to work out some kind of supervised situation (even if you're the supervisor) so that they can see her in a HEALTHY setting on a regular basis. You need to minimize the damage to your most precious children.
BrokenHeartWife is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:05 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I had to learn to live in my today.

Like you there was a nonstop dialogue playing in my head. I would face each day with a "just for today" conviction.

Expectations only led to more disappointment and heartache.

I commend you for putting your children's welfare first, maybe for today, just live it the best you can, tomorrow is going to take care of itself.

Both of my grandfathers lost their wives in childbirth, combined they raised 31 children alone, thru the depression. When times are tough for me I always remember that others have endured before me. You can do this. Believe in you. Your kids already do, and that is what matters most.

Sending you tons of support.
marie1960 is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 08:09 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maylie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Please don't second guess yourself, you are doing what needs to be done for you and your children. Your children need to grow up in a stable household and your wife brought chaos and danger to the house. You fought hard in the court system to get everything that you needed in place. If you go back on your decision with the sup. visitation, you might not be able to get it again in future.

I know it is hard to break the picture in your head that she will go back to being the woman you loved. The sad part is, that she is still in denial and is SO far from reaching even the beginning of recovery, nevermind getting to a place where you could be a happy family and where she could contribute to the household and be a good mother. Even more sadly, this day might never come.

A lot of people think that if you take the A and put them close to the children that the A will wake up and realize their kids need them. The truth of the matter is, that is just not true. The addict would have stopped drinking/using a LONG time ago if the children made them realize they should stop their drinking/using. Some parents do use children as motivation to stay sober/clean, but those addicts make that decision on their own, and your wife does not seem to even be able to realize she has a problem, nevermind that she needs to stop for the children. Also keep in mind, that putting her closer to the children could emotionally damage the children forever. Children need stable homes and being around her will just cause them severe emotional harm. Remind yourself that if you felt that she could be a good parent/was safe to be around the kids then you wouldn't have left or fought so hard for sup. visitation.

You have done all the right things. Whether you want to forgive her for what she has done is one thing, but that doesn't mean that you need to let her come back into your lives. Keep working your own program and focusing on yourself and your children. My mom always reminds me that just because you love someone doesn't mean they are good or right for you.

Keep moving forward, you are doing great! The emotions that come with leaving an A and with setting boundaries are extremely hard to deal with, but the more we work on ourselves the easier these emotions become to handle and work through.

hugs

Maylie
Maylie is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 11:37 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You can give ultimatums, if you are willing to see them through. You can tell her--get sober, stop sleeping around, and get your life together or I will divorce you.
That seems scary, doesn't it?
Here's the thing though--she has a choice to make, and so far she is botching it big time.
She can turn herself around, or not. Either way you win. Nothing is permanent in this life, not even divorce should she turn back into the woman you thought you married. Yes, people even remarry, as crazy as it sounds.
My point to that is this--continue doing the right thing until she turns around. If she never turns around you win. If she turns around, you win. Either way, you and the kids win--and by winning--I mean living a sane, mentally healthy and stable life...a good life...the kind they and you deserve.
BlueSkies1 is offline  
Old 11-07-2012, 12:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rosiepetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It's real hard to fight that loosing battle you're going through.
In the end it is her battle, not yours. I know it hurts & is confusing.
Take time out for yourself & your children & just work through your emotions before making any decisions about anything.
One day at a time my friend.
Big hugs.
Rosiepetal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:34 AM.