AirlineGuy

Several years ago I found a hidden bottle of vodka. When I confronted my wife about it I insisted that she bring this up with her therapist. I told her that I was concerned that she was an alcoholic, and she reacted angrily. I attended a session with my wife when she visited her therapist and voiced my concern - so i know her therapist is aware of what happened.

Last year around the holidays I noticed that in the evening she would occasionally be slurring her words, even though what she was drinking was "lemonade". The kids even noticed. I asked her if she was hiding vodka again and she denied it. One night she had an empty glass of lemonade so as I walked by I tried to pick it up so I could refill it for her, and she grabbed it and we had a little "tug of war" until I let go. I again asked and she denied. I have looked for hidden bottles, but never found any.

Well, today I found a bottle of vodka hidden in a closet in a spare room. I dumped it and refilled it with water - not sure why I did that....

My wife has a very good job, is excellent and what she does, and respected at work. I think she only drinks at night. But, obviously, I am concerned.

However, there is more. We enjoy wine, and it has been something that we have enjoyed together for a long time. When we drink wine it has been in moderation, and never (I thought) for the effect of alcohol. We enjoy the nuances of wine, and how it pairs with food. Usually there is wine left in the bottle at the end of the night, and we open a bottle about 3 or 4 times a week.

We have about 10 close friends that we see at varying times each month, and we get together to enjoy really good food and really good wine. These are our closest friends.

And there is more! I make wine (I enjoy the hobby very much), and collect wine. I have about 500 bottles of wine that I am letting age. We have a trip planned next year to the wine country, where we have had numerous wonderful getaways from the kids in the past. These trip are relaxing, but they involve wine tasting, and wine with dinner.

Obviously, finding this second bottle has me worried. I think that this must mean that she is an alcoholic.

So now I don't know what to do about my wine making, or about the wine I have collected, or about our travel to wine country.

More importantly, I'm worried that we should cancel our upcoming get togethers with friends, especially if she doesn't admit what is going on, but I don't know what to tell them. I don't see how we can get together with them and watch her drink if I am afraid she has a problem. I don't want to lose contact with our friends and possibly alienate them, because I can't tell them what is going on. I don't see how we can continue down the same path.

Does hiding booze mean my wife is an alcoholic? What should I do next?

Any advice would be appreciated.

AirLine Guy

CentralOhioDad

First of all, welcome to the Forum - though I'm sorry for the reason you are here. You will gain much insight, education, and thought-provoking discussions here. Some things you will like, some you won't. Some people are in the midst of horror in their lives and say it all here. But read a lot, and keep an open mind.

Being with an A and reading here for months now, I can tell you a few things: 1. She is what she is, and you can't change it. 2. Trying to change it is like trying to teach a flea to dance - ain't gonna happen. 3. If she has a history of getting trashed in front of your friends, then I wouldn't change plans with them - you can't build your life around "what ifs". 4. If she can drink some wine with dinner and pair it correctly and be okay 'so far', then I wouldn't worry about having a bottle with dinner.

That all being said: you obviously have a concern about her drinking, so therefor it's not something to sweep under the rug. Do you find the bottles of wine from dinner the night before now empty the next morning that weren't empty after dinner?

She may well be hiding her drinking, and that is a concern. Hiding booze means she knows there is an issue, but she's not sure where to go with it.

Do you find bottles of your Silver Oak missing? If so, I would be pissed! Seriously, do you have a reasonable idea of what's there in the cellar?

Good Luck, hang around, read the 'Stickies" at the top of the main page, they are helpful.

Oh, and a fave saying of mine that I learned here: "More will be revealed."

C-OH Dad

P.S. I like good bottles of wine too, but I don't need to 'sneak' my booze.

Zube

most non-alcoholics don't hide their booze.

Zube

texassuccess

I too had tried to 'force' proof of my wife's alcoholic behavior upon her therapist. I was lost as to why he didn't confront her and convince her she was an alcoholic! I wanted to blame him for the ruin of my life and marriage. I thought she fooled him all this time!

It was only today (30 minutes ago) that my therapist (for codependency) told me that a therapist will not confront an alcoholic about their drinking. Its like therapy 101. He told me that my wife's therapist knows, and the outpatient rehab she 'completed' knows, but that they will not confront the alcoholic and risk pushing them away. They need to build trust in order to be able to have any chance of helping them. You and I are not trained on how to communicate with an alcoholic brain, but they are. We don't understand why reason, honesty, and truth won't work with an alcoholic!

I felt a huge sense of release upon learning that. I was so frustrated that I failed getting a 3rd party to convince my wife that she was an alcoholic.

I'm much closer to the 1st step in recovery today.

texassuccess

I wanted to more directly answer your question...

I'm not a doctor!

Your wife is probably an alcoholic. The definition is not very clear. It is critical that you not focus on labeling her an alcoholic, or try to force her to accept the label. I recommend al-anon for you and if the situation develops for your children.

You've made the first step, you've recognized a problem, you can stop enabling it. Through detachment you can stop playing a part to it.

I wish I had known all of that in the past. I did all the wrong enabling, yelling, etc which didn't help.

FireSprite

Welcome!

No one can truly diagnose your wife, but in my experience I've never known anyone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol to have any reason to hide it from anyone. What strikes me about your post is that you cite similar examples occurring over many years.

I hope you dive in & start reading all the stickies above. There is so much information here to help you navigate through this issue!

SparkleKitty

Hi AirlineGuy,

I can't offer an opinion based on your post as to whether or not she is an alcoholic. Hiding booze isn't a good sign, but I don't think it's as cut and dried as that.

I highly recommend reading the Stickies at the top of this forum, if you haven't already. There is a ton of great information about alcoholism and co-dependency here.

Please stick around, keep reading, and keep posting!

onlythetruth

I'm not a betting person but from the way you've described it, I would indeed bet that your wife is hiding her alcohol intake from you. And, of course, normal drinkers do not do this. People with alcohol dependence do.

However, your approach to this, which seems to be along the lines of a mission to get her to admit she is an alcoholic, is not likely to be fruitful, as others have attested.

My recommendation is that you pick up a copy of the book:
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, by Robert J Meyers Ph.D. and Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D.

You might also benefit from checking out the Family and Friends forums and meetings over at SMART Recovery, which specifically use this book.

DoubleBarrel

Just to back up and really look at this simply.
You hide things that either - YOU are embarrassed of OR you think that someone else will be unhappy about, and you don't want there to be a confrontation.

So, either she likes an occasional cocktail, and you are super crazy and controlling and would go off the deep end about (which, it doesn't sound like, with the wine making and all that)

Or she REALLY feels like she needs it, and doesnt want you to see how much.

Do you drink daily? Because even ONE glass of wine, and theres no way you could smell her drinking.

I was able to drink a ton around people, and many friends and family have said that I never slipped or stumbled or appeared drunk. So this could very easily have been getting worse before your very eyes.

Someone from alanon will definitely say the following.
You cannot do anything about her drinking or control or dictate her problem, if there is one.

You just need to set boundaries about your own expectations, and stick with them.
Would you consider alanon?

Im sorry, but if it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, well...

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, airlineguy. I am sorry for the situation that brought you here. I agree with the other posters that hiding alcohol is a sign of a problem. She obviously doesn't want to be open about it.

But pouring it out and filling it with water is a passive-aggressive action. It may be better to simply take the bottle, put it in the kitchen table, and sit down and talk with her about your concerns again. She may or may not react positively to it, but at least you know you've taken an honest and aboveboard approach to it.

Keep reading here, read as much as you can about alcoholism so you know what you are up against, and be prepared to have lots of patience.

Take good care,
~T

ZiggyB

My exbf hid his booze from me and like you I found the empties...

I confronted him about it and he said he hid it because he knew I wouldn't like him drinking so much. But then he continued to drink anyway and eventually we broke up. Still, I am glad I said something.

So there you have it. I don't know if anyone can tell you for sure if your wife is an alcoholic, but it isn't a good sign.

AirlineGuy

Wow! SR is a great resource!

I have already learned so much. Thank you for the time you have taken to help me.

I can see that the very act of hiding alcohol indicates a problem, and that it may not be necessary for me to have a black and white answer to the question, "is she an alcoholic or not."

However, I still am not sure what to do about the things that we do that involve alcohol. I just feel that if we continue to go to wine parties with friends then I am enabling the problem. Also, what should I do about our trip next year that is entirely centered around wine? How can we do that now? Wouldn't it be just looking the other way if we take this trip?

Tuffgirl

If I were you, at the moment, I would do nothing. There is no need to take any kind of drastic action. Just have patience. More will be revealed. Focus on what is right in front of you today. Today, you have a hidden bottle of vodka. What can you do about this today?

fedup3

I'm glad you found us, but very sorry for the reason why you did.

If you had said she was hiding a bottle of wine I would have my doubts seeing you have wine all over the house which she could drink anytime but the fact she is hiding bottles of vodka which seems to be an alcoholic's choice of drink, I don't know, what do you think?

CentralOhioDad

^^^^ I agree with this. ^^^^

Turning your whole life upside down trying to head off the inevitable is only going to make you crazy. Keep going - when she falls flat and gets drunk in front of your friends, then go from there. You'll end up isolating yourself from everyone else trying to protect the secret, and resent yourself and her in the process.

AirlineGuy

Thanks Texas! This is very enlightening and helpful!

AirlineGuy

Thanks for the good advice.

But what about the trip that is specifically designed to be about wine. It is in January, and I have to book airline and hotels. How can we do this? Should I shift the trip to somewhere else where wine isn't the focus?

CentralOhioDad

You have to make that decision, we can't. But I see this: you haven't said she can't control her wine intake around you, or your friends as of today. Other than those 2 bottles of vodka (which are imporatnt, I'm not downplaying them), it seems from what you have told us that she's fine otherwise - except for last year at the holidays.

Again, if you shift the trip that you both have planned on - she'll probably ask why, and that will start a row if you tell her the truth. Also, you are trying to control the environment based on a suspicion on what 'could happen'.

Now, in my situation where Wife passes out on the couch 1-2 times/week - no, I would not take her on a wine trip. But, your Wife might just be at the initial stages, and this trip will not force her deeper into alcoholism. If she gets raging drunk on the trip, then you'll know for sure where she's headed.

Just take today as today, you can't deal with tomorrow until tomorrow comes. You are fearing something that: you have no control over; and that may not even happen. Take it as it comes, my friend

BrokenHeartWife

My AH would do this. And he also started hiding alcohol in "regular-looking" drinks....like Gatorade bottles, etc.

Then he began buying little bottles so those could be more easily hidden in small areas...like jacket pockets, etc.

Justfor1

Hiding alcohol is a classic sign of a alcoholic. Also, for whatever reason, Vodka seems to be the alcohol of choice for heavy abusers.