So confused..just need some support..
 

Hi,
So, about a month ago my AH got a DUI. He swore to me the next day he would never drink again, told me how much he loved me, sat both kids down and told them "Daddy will never drink again and he will be a better daddy". He seemed like a changed man. Fast forward to today..he is mean, bitter, unwilling to talk about anything. Actually we just started speaking again after 4 days of the cold shoulder because I caught him trying to "sneak" a beer into my car. He admitted to doing it, but said it was just a thought and he didn't actually buy or drink the beer. I just don't know what to believe. Now, it's like he can't reassure me he will NEVER drink again. He will say things like "I'll do a shot with you if you want"....It's like he is kidding, but it isnt' funny.

This is my life too, and he just doesn't get that. He said this morning he "probably won't" drink again. PROBABLY??? What does that mean. I'm so confused, sad, upset....what the hell do I do with that? I really hate him sometimes and I hate myself for putting up with all this bs.....

I'm the one driving him back and forth to work and trying to figure out how we are going to pay for all the bills and the fines that come along with his DUI. Wouldn't/Shouldn't this be enough to make him see drinking is not for him?????????

You answered your own question.
You're the one paying the consequences for his actions, therefore, you're the one that sees drinking is not for Him.

The answer is yes, it could be his bottom or no, it's just the beginning of his alcoholic journey. The majority of alcoholics did not get just 1 DUI. I believe there are stats that show a person who get their first DUI is highly likely to get another one. Alcoholics seem to forget about the negative consequences of drinking with time.

He's mean and bitter because the drinker in him wants a drink, craves one, and strongly. He's fighting the fight, and he's close to losing it, looks like, with that beer in your car, if he hasn't lost the battle already.
Now he's looking for the green light from you that he can have a drink and you won't parent him, chastise, or start a battle.
He doesn't want to admit to himself that he's about to lose the battle all on his own. He feels bad about himself because he wants to renege on that speech he gave the whole family. The drinker in him regrets ever making that speech, and wants to find a way out of that promise.

If he brings up drinking, I would ask him if he would consider attending AA. What I would do for myself is prepare myself mentally so that I wasn't surprised when he relapsed.
He regretted drinking with the DUI. Should that be enough? Not really...now he may think to himself the thing to avoid is drinking and driving together, not necessarily ceasing drinking altogether. That's the drinker talking. That's what AA is for, to squash the drinking side of his personality and bring out the side that can choose differently.

Alanon might be for you, to help you learn to cope when/if he starts drinking again.

I WISH he would talk about it with me, but he acts like his problem doesn't exist. He doesn't want to talk about anything related to the dui or drinking! I so wish he would go to AA. I have tired a couple Alanon meetings, but haven't found the right one for me. For now, I do counseling..alone.

You can wish all you want, that will not change a thing, nothing. It is all up to him, he is not in recovery, he is white knuckling it, and already has started drinking,I would say that you can expect another DUI, maybe two before he wakes up, and there is a possiblity that he may never get it.

I would strongly urge you to start up Alanon meetings again. Even if he does not get healthy, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't.

My AH was quite remorseful after his DUI. Then he got mean, he got resentful, he tried to blame me for my part(which really was no part at all, he just wanted to blame something).

I had a friend in Al Anon who told me that that phase was coming and I was ready for it. He is still drinking, the DUI was less than a year ago. He just doesn't drink in front of us as a family anymore. Sad. Just plain old sad.

Yes my xabf was remorseful at first & said he needed to change. In the end though he just used the hassle of not being able to drive as frustration to blame for more drinking!
He said he was in a rut while not driving & it made him drink more.
Funny that cause a week after he got his license back he was still drinking & driving.
Just more lies.

It is sad, isn't it? I am preparing myself for the fall. I just feel it coming. What a kick in the butt....

Yes it is sad.
I had mine in detox in my care one weekend with very visable affects, he kept sober for about 3 weeks.
That was the best I got.
I've had him hand his vodka bottles over to me (because he wanted to)
He's tipped the vodka down the drain.
He's cried over his drinking.
He's skipped work because of his drinking.
He did a big physical injury because of his drinking.
The drinking got worse.
The broken promises got worse.
I've recently left him. It's real hard but I can't do it for him.
Working on letting go now.

I'm not confused anymore...I found out he has stopped at the bar and has had drinks. He has been lying to me this whole time. He told me he will drink 20 beers if he wants to. I have my answer now. My boys will be devastated. I am devasted. I think I may be having a nervous breakdown. I just can't take this sh** anymore..

Oh caligirl I'm so sorry, I know what you are feeling please take care of yourself and your kids. Do something good just for you today and take small steps. I know the mind can race and whirl around on trying to figure out how to get out of this mess and what should you do about the A but take some deep breaths and just take small steps, one at a time to move forward with a plan for your life.

((((((( caligirl )))))))

I'm so sorry. Can you get in to see your counselor?

Hugs to you caligirl. In some small way, I believe it's better to face the painful truth, versuses living of life of lies, manipulation, control and denial.

He is an addict, and an addict is going to do what an addict does......

We are here with you.

He isn't going to be remorseful or see that he needs to change if he doesn't have to deal with the consequences from the DUI.

He chose to drink and drink and therefore lost his license. By you driving him to work he doesn't have to feel the consequences from not being able to drive. Now he just gets in the passanger seat instead of the drivers seat. If you want him to realize that seriousness of getting a DUI, HE needs to get himself to work. He needs to walk, ride a bike, take a train, take a bus, ANYTHING but have it nice and easy and get a free ride from you.

The fines are a little bit more stressful because if he fails to take care of paying them then your whole family could be brought down. I would try to give him the task of figuring out how to pay the fines such as he has no spending money since all his extra activities that he enjoys will have to be put on hold till he pays his fine.

I would take a look at how he is affecting you in a negative way and how he is affecting your children. Is this how you want to live? I would start setting some boundaries and move from there.

hugs

Maylie

I did not drive him to work today, nor will I be picking him up. He called his dad and he drove him. He said if he loses his job it's all my fault. Nothing is ever his fault. I'm so angry. It has all been lies..to me, to his kids, to everyone. Great week for my counselor to be on vacation!

Hi caligirl71,

Thank you for sharing. Your story resonated with me so much in so many ways. My now XABF got a DUI in March and afterwards, I dropped a thousand dollars so he could get his license back and ultimately, I learned today that I taught him he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions. His family and I always swooped in to try to ease the blow as much as possible. At the time, I thought oh man, he won't have a way to get to work or school. I HAVE to lend him the money, but looking back, I didn't have to.

After six months of sobriety, he started drinking again in secret. He lied about it and drank and drove again...He said he wasn't drunk while driving, just "almost drunk". Whatever that means. But it comes as no surprise now that he relapsed. We thought his DUI was bad, but relative to most other DUIs, it was nothing. We quickly swooped in and took care of everything. There's really nothing we can do to help them. They have to have the desire to recover. They have to be willing to be honest with themselves that alcohol is indeed a problem. It was a problem after the DUI because there was something tangible that pointed to alcohol being a problem--a DUI. But today is a different day.

When you spend your whole life thinking a certain way, behaving a certain way, it is really hard to change that. While they claim to change, or try to change temporarily, it takes a lot of willpower to maintain that change. It takes even more willpower to admit when they slipped up. They're not used to admitting fault. They're used to instant gratification, not ever reflecting if their choices were good or detrimental.

Now that I'm on my own journey to change and learn to let things go, not take on his problems, I, too, am finding it hard to change my way of thinking, BUT I have the desire to change. I want a happier life. It takes some people time and something I'm learning is to look at their actions, NOT their words. Words are cheap and are tools of manipulators. I always thought, if I made his life easier in every other aspect, it will be easier for him to recover. False. It made it easier for him to act like he was recovering. Recovery shouldn't be easy. It's a difficult journey of self-improvement and no form of self-improvement is going to work with "other" people helping. Hence "self-improvement".

He wants to be a stubborn fool about it then let him. Really, take care of you, take care of your children, let him do whatever destructive thing he wants to, as long as those things he only does to himself.
You have your own job to do...save yourself, save your children.
One day he is going to realize that the only person he has a right to be angry with is HIMSELF.
So you go on ahead, taking no responsibility for his problem, and detach from it, and do what is good for you.
Can you get a little break from him in your schedule? Like take the kids somewhere for the weekend?
It is the hardest thing for you to find right now, but it is the thing you need the most--some peace. Your job is to take care of yourself, your own mental health, and that is how you make it so that you can be a healthy parent. So do realize how important your own mental health is...far too often we put ourselves at the bottom of the list.

Yes, I need a break! I may take the kids away for the weekend. I did a lot of thinking today and I do realize I just can't go on like this. I can't live with a liar and manipulator. I deserve better. I have an consult with an attorney early next week. I'm so nervous. The worst part of all of this is my son is so happy that his dad "quit" drinking. He said "Now I don't have to worry about dad getting drunk." What the heck do I tell him? Just another letdown to add to the many in his short life.....

Hugs, sweetie. It's so hard when the kids know and say stuff like that and you feel stuck. I don't know how old your son is, but I told my son that sometimes habits are hard to break and that dad isn't trying to hurt us on purpose. He's just struggling with his habit. I referred to my son's habit of cracking his knuckles and how hard it is for him to stop doing it, how it's almost automatic, and he seemed to understand the compulsion of it in as best a way as he could.

I hate it when the kids suffer!

The funny thing is, it was so easy for him to find somebody else to drive him to work this morning and from now on. So how does he ever learn then??? It's a never-ending cycle I guess...

Caligirl,

I know how you feel this morning. I just found out that my AH, who swore up and down that he would do "anything" to keep our marriage together, lied about going to the bar last night and had two little bottles of wine hidden in his car this morning. They just don't understand how there needs to be trust in a relationship and that lies can destroy that trust so much more quickly than it can be repaired.

(((hugs)))

Oh Caligirl my heart aches for you.
Unfortunately, I've been there too and I know how hard this is. You can do this and you've received some really great advice and support here so far. I can't offer much more other than what has been said. Take care of yourself and your children. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. When you feel yourself spinning and confused, step back and imagine that your dearest friend is experiencing what you are going through. What would you tell her. It's a simple trick that helps me get "unmeshed", at least momentarily.
I'm rooting for you and sending my hugs and support.
Hugs,
MamaKit

Mamakit,

I love your idea of pretending you are your best friend when you feel like you can't think straight. I think I need to do that more often!:thanks

I'm so sorry!! It's a horrible, destructive disease. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!

Thank you MamaKit! Really good suggestion! I need all the support I can get..:)

sadly no duis etc arent always enough to get someone to quit drinking. my ah has had two and he told himself after the last im done but this is apart of the craziness of alcoholism they dont think sain for too long. ive learned that time and time again. your ah probably meant what he said but like its progression it jsut goes down hill.
your husband is not going to get sober simply because he says so.....actions speak alouder than words and if you/him wants change it needs to be into action.
that means outpatient, aa and if you threaten to leave because he drinks then follow through with it.
at the end of the day you can say all you want and he can say all he wants but talking isnt going to make this problem go away and you know this because like anything else you have to put action into making it happen. this is no different than paying your bills instead of just talking about paying them.
besy of luck

I'm so, so tired but I know I won't be able to sleep. I haven't really slept in 2 days now. Meanwhile, he is snoring away on the couch without a worry in the world......FML!

Caligirl, this is my first time on the site. I read your postings and my heart is breaking for you. I am in the exact perdicament you are in right now. I left him tonight and fled to my parents. Now I am sitting here trying to rationalize why I should stay away. Like wtf? Why do we do this to ourselves? We know its never going to change unless we show them that this lifestyle and behaviour is unacceptable. We can't think about what we are going to tell the kids, how we are going to make it work, because that fear will stop us from ever moving forward. Our kids can come from 'broken homes' but they don't have to live in them. It's so friken hard though. And I hate how they say 'probably' and maybe and what not. And they don't ever stop to realize what it does to their loved ones..and when they do, it just causes more guilt in them which equals more drinking...this is so sickening. I have been feeling close to a nervous breakdown too. But remember that our children need us, and more importantly we need us. We have to take the time to heal ourselves and only then can we begin to see things clearly...I know its always easier saying it to someone else, but hold on Cali, things CAN get better, for you and your boys at least.

Thank you for your post! I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. It just sucks..period. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids and it is soo hard. I'm glad it's the weekend and I can rest for a bit. My body and mind are sooo tired...I've been trying to take the kids out and do things with them to keep them away from the chaos....but I need to sleep! Sending hugs your way because I know how you feel....here's to a better tomorrow!!