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So confused..just need some support..

Old 11-08-2012, 06:17 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I did not drive him to work today, nor will I be picking him up. He called his dad and he drove him. He said if he loses his job it's all my fault. Nothing is ever his fault. I'm so angry. It has all been lies..to me, to his kids, to everyone. Great week for my counselor to be on vacation!
The funny thing is, it was so easy for him to find somebody else to drive him to work this morning and from now on. So how does he ever learn then??? It's a never-ending cycle I guess...
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:36 AM
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Caligirl,

I know how you feel this morning. I just found out that my AH, who swore up and down that he would do "anything" to keep our marriage together, lied about going to the bar last night and had two little bottles of wine hidden in his car this morning. They just don't understand how there needs to be trust in a relationship and that lies can destroy that trust so much more quickly than it can be repaired.

(((hugs)))
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:57 AM
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Oh Caligirl my heart aches for you.
Unfortunately, I've been there too and I know how hard this is. You can do this and you've received some really great advice and support here so far. I can't offer much more other than what has been said. Take care of yourself and your children. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. When you feel yourself spinning and confused, step back and imagine that your dearest friend is experiencing what you are going through. What would you tell her. It's a simple trick that helps me get "unmeshed", at least momentarily.
I'm rooting for you and sending my hugs and support.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:47 AM
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Mamakit,

I love your idea of pretending you are your best friend when you feel like you can't think straight. I think I need to do that more often!
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Dontreallycare View Post
Caligirl,

I know how you feel this morning. I just found out that my AH, who swore up and down that he would do "anything" to keep our marriage together, lied about going to the bar last night and had two little bottles of wine hidden in his car this morning. They just don't understand how there needs to be trust in a relationship and that lies can destroy that trust so much more quickly than it can be repaired.

(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry!! It's a horrible, destructive disease. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MamaKit View Post
Oh Caligirl my heart aches for you.
Unfortunately, I've been there too and I know how hard this is. You can do this and you've received some really great advice and support here so far. I can't offer much more other than what has been said. Take care of yourself and your children. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. When you feel yourself spinning and confused, step back and imagine that your dearest friend is experiencing what you are going through. What would you tell her. It's a simple trick that helps me get "unmeshed", at least momentarily.
I'm rooting for you and sending my hugs and support.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Thank you MamaKit! Really good suggestion! I need all the support I can get..
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Old 11-08-2012, 08:53 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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sadly no duis etc arent always enough to get someone to quit drinking. my ah has had two and he told himself after the last im done but this is apart of the craziness of alcoholism they dont think sain for too long. ive learned that time and time again. your ah probably meant what he said but like its progression it jsut goes down hill.
your husband is not going to get sober simply because he says so.....actions speak alouder than words and if you/him wants change it needs to be into action.
that means outpatient, aa and if you threaten to leave because he drinks then follow through with it.
at the end of the day you can say all you want and he can say all he wants but talking isnt going to make this problem go away and you know this because like anything else you have to put action into making it happen. this is no different than paying your bills instead of just talking about paying them.
besy of luck
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Old 11-08-2012, 08:18 PM
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I'm so, so tired but I know I won't be able to sleep. I haven't really slept in 2 days now. Meanwhile, he is snoring away on the couch without a worry in the world......FML!
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I'm not confused anymore...I found out he has stopped at the bar and has had drinks. He has been lying to me this whole time. He told me he will drink 20 beers if he wants to. I have my answer now. My boys will be devastated. I am devasted. I think I may be having a nervous breakdown. I just can't take this sh** anymore..
Caligirl, this is my first time on the site. I read your postings and my heart is breaking for you. I am in the exact perdicament you are in right now. I left him tonight and fled to my parents. Now I am sitting here trying to rationalize why I should stay away. Like wtf? Why do we do this to ourselves? We know its never going to change unless we show them that this lifestyle and behaviour is unacceptable. We can't think about what we are going to tell the kids, how we are going to make it work, because that fear will stop us from ever moving forward. Our kids can come from 'broken homes' but they don't have to live in them. It's so friken hard though. And I hate how they say 'probably' and maybe and what not. And they don't ever stop to realize what it does to their loved ones..and when they do, it just causes more guilt in them which equals more drinking...this is so sickening. I have been feeling close to a nervous breakdown too. But remember that our children need us, and more importantly we need us. We have to take the time to heal ourselves and only then can we begin to see things clearly...I know its always easier saying it to someone else, but hold on Cali, things CAN get better, for you and your boys at least.
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Old 11-09-2012, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by lost21 View Post
Caligirl, this is my first time on the site. I read your postings and my heart is breaking for you. I am in the exact perdicament you are in right now. I left him tonight and fled to my parents. Now I am sitting here trying to rationalize why I should stay away. Like wtf? Why do we do this to ourselves? We know its never going to change unless we show them that this lifestyle and behaviour is unacceptable. We can't think about what we are going to tell the kids, how we are going to make it work, because that fear will stop us from ever moving forward. Our kids can come from 'broken homes' but they don't have to live in them. It's so friken hard though. And I hate how they say 'probably' and maybe and what not. And they don't ever stop to realize what it does to their loved ones..and when they do, it just causes more guilt in them which equals more drinking...this is so sickening. I have been feeling close to a nervous breakdown too. But remember that our children need us, and more importantly we need us. We have to take the time to heal ourselves and only then can we begin to see things clearly...I know its always easier saying it to someone else, but hold on Cali, things CAN get better, for you and your boys at least.
Thank you for your post! I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. It just sucks..period. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids and it is soo hard. I'm glad it's the weekend and I can rest for a bit. My body and mind are sooo tired...I've been trying to take the kids out and do things with them to keep them away from the chaos....but I need to sleep! Sending hugs your way because I know how you feel....here's to a better tomorrow!!
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Old 11-09-2012, 05:51 AM
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Your story resonates with me a bit. I can only imagine the euphoria you felt when he sat with you and the kids and said "no more". Then came the heartbreak of realizing it was only something he said.

Last week after a terrible night I said no more. He agreed. No more. The next day he said....."it will be a long time before I ever drink again" (rationalization begins)......the next day I smelled it on him.

Last night I found him obliterated. Its been a week since he said "never again". Without active recovery any promise to quit is nothing more than words. My AH was sober 10 years but the last 5, and the 2 that I have been with him, he has been a dry drunk. Sober yet not working a program therefore relapse has been a part of our relationship I didn't know because before SR I really didn't know what alcoholism is.

Would you believe that in my mind when I thought about what would need to be done if he ever relapsed - I thought that he may go on a binge and then come to me immediately and say I need to go back to AA, or that I would say "We must go to AA" and hand in hand we would go. Uh......not so much.

I am so sorry for you and your children, I am single....and it has been overwhelming trying to figure out how to handle it. I am getting there, you will too. Sending prayers.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:42 PM
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caligirl, I'm in your boat, but at least you've got the guts to actually leave. I'm still too scared. Mine is not only and alcoholic but a drug addict too. Oxy. Quit cold turkey when I busted him about 6 months ago but today I suspect he met a drug dealer and bought some. I'm just so exhausted. Unfortunately mine hasn't gotten a DUI yet (I have no idea how he is so lucky) but sometimes i wish he would thinking it would be the rock bottom for him. But it probably wouldn't. I think rock bottom might be me and my daughter leaving, but I'm too scared to do it.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:36 PM
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So you are probably going to hear a lot of nonsense from your active husband. First my A hated me and blamed me for everything, when that didn't work, he was begging my forgiveness and promising me the world, and when that didn't work, he'd find some other low blow to try to get me to come down to his level. The worst part for me was realizing that nothing was going to change unless I was the one to make the changes. Waiting for him to change was futile. I got myself into Alanon, took care of me and my two kids the best way I could, and detached from as much nonsense as possible. I said the serenity prayer over and over and over and when he's start being mean and cutting, I'd say Let Go and Let God. Whatever it took to keep my sanity until I was ready and strong enough to do what I needed to in order to take care of me and my two innocent children who didn't ask to be brought into that kind of mess. I hope you can find the strength to keep the focus on you and off of him. I hope he hits his bottom and finally seeks recovery. Hugs to you all.

Best,
Jenny
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Old 11-09-2012, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by AmandaMcLean View Post
caligirl, I'm in your boat, but at least you've got the guts to actually leave. I'm still too scared. Mine is not only and alcoholic but a drug addict too. Oxy. Quit cold turkey when I busted him about 6 months ago but today I suspect he met a drug dealer and bought some. I'm just so exhausted. Unfortunately mine hasn't gotten a DUI yet (I have no idea how he is so lucky) but sometimes i wish he would thinking it would be the rock bottom for him. But it probably wouldn't. I think rock bottom might be me and my daughter leaving, but I'm too scared to do it.
Well, I haven't actually left yet. It's so easy to say I am going to, but doing it is a different story. I'm scared too! But I know it's something that needs to be done for my kids sanity, and for mine. I'm taking baby steps for now..trying to focus on me, talking to an attorney, looking for work...trying to have a plan of action for a better future...
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:07 AM
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caligirl- i know its hard and near impossible but leave! you will feel 100xs better. i took "baby steps" and then one day with all the anger and frustration i realized i really wasnt taking baby steps. i was downright crawling!! i was trying to keep my life exactly how i invisioned it as one big family and that we could make it through it but i was wrong. you do not have to divorce or fully leave him but do leave stay at a family members. a friends or even a hotel and stay there until he has invested himself into sone sort of recovery program. you have to set boundaries for yourself and your children. once your on your mini vacation you will find yourself actually smilimg again..i know crazy right?
but its true! it was hard for me to leave the situation but once i did i felt more in control than i had being there . keep strong no matter how hard it is or how hard he tries to manipulate blame or guilt you. stay strong
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