constellation

My AH and I have a lot of water under the bridge. I am wanting to trust him but he consistently omits things, lies, is emotionally withdrawn, etc and it makes me mistrust him more and more. I would like to figure out how to build trust again, even though he's not trustworthy.

I know that acceptance comes into play here, but I am so hurt by many of the things he's said that I am so afraid to open up to him. It's like there's a part of me that wants to be emotionally connected to him, but there's a part of me that wants to run the other way screaming KEEP RUNNING the whole way, LOL.

Anyone have any thoughts about trusting an alcoholic? I know that it's the nature of the disease, but I guess I've struggled with NOT taking it personally and being able to label all his bad behavior as 'alcoholic behavior'. It's really worn away my ability to honor him, respect him, etc and I think that's where the breakdown began. I had this lightbulb moment where I realized that he was who he was, and that if I didn't like it.....well, then I had to think about what my options were.

Rosiepetal

I found that over time I trusted less & less & it caused more problems in our relationship as I would get suspicious, of course with reason because the trust had been broken.

Confetti

In my experience I absolutely cannot trust an active alcoholic.

If his lips moved, he was lying....and still is.

Loopydays

Oh constellation, you have just described my relationship with my husband!
No advice, all I know is whenever I let my guard down and think I can trust him , something happens to remind me how stupid that is!
I wish I could trust him again, I wish I could emotionally connect with him - at the moment i have to accept this is not possible- he is not that far into his recovery to address these issues- and maybe he will never be in that place. Then I shall have to sort out whether I am willing to live like this any longer- today I am too emotionally spent to consider anything like this. Someone in my AlAnon group advised me to make no decisions for 6 months to a year about my marriage- and for me this works - my emotions have been all over the place since my husband cMe out of rehab.

RoundII

Constellation: I certainly am dealing with trust issues as well. I find my peace in realizing that it is part of the disease.

I have learned not to dwell on the unimportant details like weather my AW says she is going to the store to get "groceries" when she needs alchohol as well, or that she lies about buying a pack of smokes. I can rationalize the lies regarding drinking and the shame that comes with it. I have learned to pick my battles. Is it really important which way the TP is facing? Not to me.

BUT I unfortunately do have trust issues when it involves other men. My AW is a closet drinker, so she does not go to bars etc on her own. She has become quite secluded in her affair with alchohol. This makes it much easier for me knowing at least she is safe, and not putting herself in compromising positions when she is too drunk to function.

She had an internet affair, and I asked her for all of her account details/ passwords as a deterrent. I find that there are times that I obsessively check them all, and try to get to meetings to bring myself back to sanity. The other day I found she sent him a short text after 6 weeks of no contact and I asked her to leave. It was a boundry she crossed that I will not compromise on. We are still talking, and I sent her a long email about what my needs are for us to return to giving it another run.

I explained that I do have trust issues in this area, and I am committed to work on my part of it, and not try to demean or punish her as I work out my personal fears. Of course this will take time and committment on both our parts to get past, but I believe time can heal most wounds. I am hoping the scar will be minimal. If I do my work on myself, I will not have to feel pain for someone elses past transgressions. I choose not to get upset or angry if someone tells me a lie about something of no consequence to me. I am trying to live for today....one day at a time as they say, and not obsess over the past.

Stay strong, take care of you. I hope you can find your peace.

lillamy

I think past behavior is a good predictor for future behavior.
Maybe you have a hard time trusting him because you have no reason to?

redatlanta

Currently drinking - no trust no way.

In recovery, it would take time. A long time.

ZiggyB

I don't know how you can begin to rebuild trust with someone who has been repeatedly untrustworthy. Is he doing anything differently or is it just the same old stuff?

I totally agree it's difficult to be in a relationship with someone you don't respect or trust and that's when everything goes to h*ll...

NYCDoglvr

HUH? Why would you want to trust someone who is untrustworthy? It sounds like this person should be booted out of your life. You mean no matter what awful thing he does to you you're determined to stay anyway? You can certainly do better than this, even if you wind up alone.

constellation

Well, maybe the right word is acceptance? I'm wondering that if I accept his disease, then maybe I won't feel so put off by it as I am now? I just feel like so much emotional abuse has accumulated and I feel like I have to protect myself from him. I guess I want to be able to say, "It's part of the disease." or, maybe that's me making excuses for him?

constellation

I'm not even sure. He claims he's not drinking, then he will admit to it later. Then I suspect it later on, then I catch him lying about something stupid, etc.

shawty80

and thus, the vicious cycle continues...

trust, or a lack thereof, was a major issue for me in my relationship with my xabf. one piece of advice that i've gleaned (but, sadly, not always followed) from sr is to pay closer attention to his actions than you do to his words.

above all else, do what you must to protect your own sanity and heart!!

fluffyflea

Even if we can say it,s part of the disease it,s still bad behaviour.

It,s the three A,s: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

I think we have to become aware,then process. With that will come acceptance of the situation and then action.

Graceland

I just want to back up what RedAtlanta said - my RAH just earned his chip for being 30 days sober. I am guardedly proud of him, but I still can't trust him. When he was active, I used to say that "if RAH told me the sky was blue, I'd have to go outside to check."

An active alcoholic is completely incapable of telling the truth. They are so deep in denial and so much in thrall that they would say anything just to keep drinking. My RAH used to deny that he was drinking, then keep an open bottle of wine in full view in the fridge. I was like, what is caused the level on this bottle to go down? Evaporation?

Even though he's not currently drinking, I still can't trust him and I have no idea how he could possibly earn back that trust, if it's possible at all. He's lied about every conceivable thing and treated me so poorly that there's not much of a foundation to even build trust now. It's not just trust as to whether he's drinking or not - it's trust about EVERYTHING.

Can I trust him to consider my feelings? No
Can I trust him to say something hurtful? No
Can I trust him to embarrass me in front of friends and family? No

I'm in Al-Anon and working on my recovery, but I need to trust the people that I live with. All the detachment in the world isn't going to change that need.

CentralOhioDad

I didn't trust my Wife when she said she "would not take another drop until we were divorced". Well, that was back in August, and it lasted less then 2 weeks. She slowly got back to her old ways, and is now back to passing out on the couch.

I don't trust anything she does or says anymore, becasuse she never follows up on any of it. "I'm going to clean the bathroom this week" - nope, didn't happen. "I'm going to do ____" - nope, didn't happen.

Okay, there is ONE thing that I trust she will do withconsistency.... DRINK.

constellation

LOL, well my AH is ADHD too, so I expect him to say, "I'll take care of that later this week.", and then not get it done. That kind of stuff doesn't bother me. Yeah, it's annoying but not something that breaks my trust. What gets me is the way he gives me half the information or only tells me bits and pieces of things, like he's covering up something. Like my story from the first post: how hard would it have been to just tell the truth about a dental appointment?

marie1960

How can a rational sane person accept the unacceptable?

Guess that is why this horrible disease cuts to our very core.

I am sorry constellation, I do not have an answer for you. Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship. (((( hugs)))))

Thumper

My confusion and turmoil lessoned once I started paying attention to my gut feelings and accepting the reality of the situation.

That isn't really possible. He is not trustworthy so you don't trust him. To try and figure out otherwise is denial and wishful thinking. The reality is he is not trustworthy. How do I live with someone I can't trust? Do I live with someone I can't trust? Those are big big questions but they will create less confusion because they are reality based.

Yes - it isn't safe for your spiritual and emotional well being and sometimes it isn't safe for your physical well being. Trusting an alcoholic is denying reality.

That is very good work. Just don't let denial and wishful thinking be an option.


It is part of the disease but that doesn't mean you don't protect yourself from it.

Accepting that someone is who they are and the realities of alcoholism is different that making all that it means acceptable to you and acceptable in your life.

Once I finally teased those two things apart, my confusion began to clear. Create boundaries and accpetable standards for yourself and work outwards. I was trying to start with him and work inwards and it was making me crazy.

ZiggyB

Exactly.... my ex would lie about stupid things all of the time or he would just omit things. You can't really trust them, the best you can do is turn a blind eye to their behavior, become detached from it and know they will do whatever they want regardless of how you feel about it.

constellation

Thank you for sharing with me. Yes, I am confused. I just don't want to throw all these years of marriage down the drain. He's changed so much, I sometimes wonder whether it's him or it's me as I become more aware of what's going on.