forgotten1

Hello!

I joined this a couple years ago, and it really helped me in my fallout from my relationship with my xabf. A lot of the threads here was very informative, and when I felt like I had no one else to turn to--I got the love from this community.

It's been a little over a year since I've had contact with my xabf. I was living in Arizona and moved to California to pursue my career/life passions. During our time together, he knew I had bigger plans (I had just finished grad school... was working for a think tank... knew I was ready to move to the "big pond")... but I waited around for 2 years with his indecisive, addicted brain--and finally, after being "forced to accept" that nothing would change, I left. A week before I left AZ, we re-connected and he helped me pack up and we were nostalgic and living in fantasy world. I moved. He visited me soon after I moved and we continued on our fantasy of a possible future for us. We stayed in contact for a few months, but reality came back (that he's an alcoholic with no plans...) and the ugliness of his pushing me away began.

Anyway, I finally stopped talking to him... it's been a year with NO contact whatsoever. Six months ago, I got a missed call from him. No message left and he didn't try to call again--so I didn't go chasing after him to find out why he called (because if he really needed to talk to me... i.e. an emergency... then he would've left a message or called... otherwise, I'd just be getting sucked back in). In this time, I've gotten my life "re-started". I've been making new friends... I've gone on a few dates... and I've been getting started in my career path. I even felt the rush of truly and genuinely really being attracted to someone new this past summer (unfortunately, the guy was only around the area for a few months working on a PhD project). I felt excited and energized about life and felt my self-confidence rising.

I'm posting, because... I had to book a flight back to AZ to take care of some things I left there in storage. I will be returning there during Thanksgiving break. All this time, I kept pushing any thought of addressing "AZ and my past" out of my head. But now, it's knocking loud and clear and I've recently started experiencing the anxiety attacks I used to have when I was ending the relationship (a break up/make up cycle that lasted 1.5 years). I'm starting to wonder how honestly "f*cked up" I must still be. I am scared that this scar will be with me forever... and that I'll never be able to truly confront my past without hyperventilating.

I did see a therapist during the 1.5 years of breaking up/making up... and I saw one in CA for a couple months. I stopped going because I really was feeling a lot better and more in control of my life again. Now, I'm afraid that all of this progress I made is really just "fake" and I'm actually really damaged... this thought really scares me...

redatlanta

I say take a deep breath!

I don't think there is anything wrong or unusual with feeling a panic attack over returning to a place that was bad for you - even if that place is a state. Sometimes alcoholics have to move on from people, places and things and we other people do too.

I lived with a non-alcoholic but a total loser for a couple of years and everytime I drive by the apartment we lived in I want to vomit. It was 8 years ago.

There are many schools of thought on resurrecting the past and whether or not it is beneficial - Do you have to in order to become the person you should be? Every situation is different but I don't think so. I am with that school of thought that if you are living in your past you are missing your present.

it sounds like you have done remarkably well in the past year - some very impressive things. That's not fake its real. Your progress is REAL. Keep it real, don't let your mind play tricks on you.

Remember - the root of anxiety comes from trying to control what we can't, and not controlling what we can.

You will do fine!

LifeRecovery

Have you ever seen the Shrek movies where he talks about how he is a complicated ogre like an onion with many layers.

My therapist and I took that and modified it a bit.

I am complicated like an artichoke. I keep peeling off layers (honestly sometimes that feels like things I have already dealt with), but as they get further inward they are deeper, and have more meat on the skin. Until I get to the heart of the artichoke/me.

I do best when I think of it like this. I am safe now for this new growth which is why the feelings are coming up (not because I am broken).

Often it is similar feelings but with new learning that come. I have to clean out the wound before I can heal it....not that I won't ever heal from it.

I have also found that I go deeper faster and don't need as much on the same topic when this happens.

I hope that helps you to not feel so alone with this.

NYCDoglvr

A very bad idea to contact him or have anything to do with him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so he won't be any better a year later. It's walking back into an emotional firestorm. I suggest going to Alanon instead.

forgotten1

Thank you, LifeRecovery! That is a great analogy with the artichoke. I love it! I will definitely be reminding myself of this whenever I feel like I'm spinning into feeling unraveled again.

Redlanta... you are right. my progress IS real. I need to tell my brain to shut up... it sounds like the xabf voice telling me my feelings weren't real or that my life accomplishments weren't something to be celebrated... ugh, gross.

I have no plans of meeting up or telling him that i'm even in town AT ALL.

BlueSkies1

You would be revisiting the "scene of the crime" , ergo revisiting a traumatic period in your life. Why wouldn't it affect you? That's normal...but upon several trips back to the region if it still affects you extremely without abatement then you might have some ptsd.