In a relationship with a long term sober man
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Originally Posted by Jennifer1970 
ONLY this is great insight, thank you. I guess I am not really sure what he is capable of emotionally. I see his close relationships with other people, but these are family members and friends, not romantic partners. Part of me DOES suspect he may only be capable of so much intimacy, but then I see him trying to gain it in other ways in our relationship. I've wanted to go to counseling for a long time to try and work this out, but my insurance co-pay is so high it's not affordable...which is why I thought I'd try things like this resource, as well as some reading materials and Al-Anon meetings. If this is the only way he can ever be, then I need to decide if I can accept that or not.
Al-Anon does help a lot of folks, but it's important to keep in mind that Al-Anon does naturally look at things from the angle of addiction and recovery, as do other groups for family and friends. You might benefit from a slightly broader perspective. I recommend all of John Gottman's books on marriage for this...very eye-opening stuff.
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ONLY, you are right. I am trying to be more focused on the things that I recognize as him "trying," vs. the things I look at and say, "Oh, he's not doing exactly what I want, so I'm mad."
To be honest, I have mixed feelings about going to the Al-Anon meeting...part of me really wants to understand more from HIS perspective and I think I can learn from the experiences of other family members and loved ones of people in recovery. Another part of me wonders what is going to happen, because my ex-brother in law in sober now and everything that he did wrong to my sister in their marriage (cheating, beating her, hiding money, etc. etc. etc.) he blames on "the disease." Never once did he take any repsonsibility that HE was the one who made the choices that he did - because frankly, he was the same jerk sober as when he drank. My BF never once made any excuses for himself, or blamed anyone else. He never even told me when we first started dating that he was sober, I just found out when I noticed his 10 year medalion necklace...but he DID talk about "bad choices that he made." So I really admire that honesty about him and the fact that he owns his past.
I am kind of wondering what the "tone" of these meetings is...
To be honest, I have mixed feelings about going to the Al-Anon meeting...part of me really wants to understand more from HIS perspective and I think I can learn from the experiences of other family members and loved ones of people in recovery. Another part of me wonders what is going to happen, because my ex-brother in law in sober now and everything that he did wrong to my sister in their marriage (cheating, beating her, hiding money, etc. etc. etc.) he blames on "the disease." Never once did he take any repsonsibility that HE was the one who made the choices that he did - because frankly, he was the same jerk sober as when he drank. My BF never once made any excuses for himself, or blamed anyone else. He never even told me when we first started dating that he was sober, I just found out when I noticed his 10 year medalion necklace...but he DID talk about "bad choices that he made." So I really admire that honesty about him and the fact that he owns his past.
I am kind of wondering what the "tone" of these meetings is...
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth
I do think that the big question here is what you can accept; it's simply that before getting there you need to satisfy yourself as to what he's capable of. To help you with that, perhaps you would benefit from examining what he's doing when he is trying to gain intimacy "in other ways" in your relationship. Sometimes, people really ARE trying to be intimate with us, just not in ways that "work" on our end...and in such cases a "new pair of lenses" can help us to understand that they are doing the best they can!!!
Al-Anon does help a lot of folks, but it's important to keep in mind that Al-Anon does naturally look at things from the angle of addiction and recovery, as do other groups for family and friends. You might benefit from a slightly broader perspective. I recommend all of John Gottman's books on marriage for this...very eye-opening stuff.
Al-Anon does help a lot of folks, but it's important to keep in mind that Al-Anon does naturally look at things from the angle of addiction and recovery, as do other groups for family and friends. You might benefit from a slightly broader perspective. I recommend all of John Gottman's books on marriage for this...very eye-opening stuff.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Not married,been with him 1.5 years. It is what it is especially if they are ACOA,s the problems are compounded if the issues aren,t dealt with.
Originally Posted by Jennifer1970
Earthworm, thank you so much for this post. One of the things I love about him is how much he will do for others - he's a high school gym teacher in an urban school district with a lot of troubled kids - he does things that make me so proud. But with me, he has a very hard time showing his emotions. Are you married to him? How long have you been together?
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Jennifer, you could certainly try an Al-Anon meeting (or more than one) to see what you think. Nothing wrong with that!
But the thing you are experiencing with your ex-BIL is kind of what I'm talking about with the limited perspective. As you've accurately concluded, there's a lot more to people than their addictions, especially in the case of someone who has been sober for years. Sure, you can look at that piece of it, fine: but understand it's only a piece, and not only that, it's only one way of looking at that piece (for example, SMART Recovery's family and friends groups have a significantly different perspective).
That's why I think the Gottman books would be so good for you. They present a clear-headed, well-stated, research based perspective on why relationships work or don't work, and best of all what to do to head off problems at the pass. There are several books by Gottman and they are all good.
But the thing you are experiencing with your ex-BIL is kind of what I'm talking about with the limited perspective. As you've accurately concluded, there's a lot more to people than their addictions, especially in the case of someone who has been sober for years. Sure, you can look at that piece of it, fine: but understand it's only a piece, and not only that, it's only one way of looking at that piece (for example, SMART Recovery's family and friends groups have a significantly different perspective).
That's why I think the Gottman books would be so good for you. They present a clear-headed, well-stated, research based perspective on why relationships work or don't work, and best of all what to do to head off problems at the pass. There are several books by Gottman and they are all good.
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I've wanted to go to counseling for a long time to try and work this out, but my insurance co-pay is so high it's not affordable...
If counseling is something you want, I think you should go for it. It's been a lifesaver for me. I pay out of pocket at $25 a session every other week.
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Location: Chicago
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My therapist stopped being connected to my insurance company halfway through our five years of seeing each other. She continued to see me at her below-normal rate. Of course, we already had a relationship, but I think Florence is right and you should call around anyway just to see what the prices are. Could be invaluable.
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Well, I guess figuring any of this out has become a mute point. We had a fight last weekend (about the gambling...well there were other things but mostly that) and now he wants to "go our own ways" after 2.5 years and has said he doesn't love me...so, thanks to everyone for all of their input and suggestions but it looks like this battle is lost.
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When I went for counseling, I had no insurance, so they "graylisted" me, meaning they gave me so many sessions free (I think it was like, 4). Then, they determined that I needed more than 4 sessions, and ended up graylisting me for once a week for an entire year (50 sessions, I skipped a couple of weeks) until I could get some kind of insurance.
It is $125 a session. That is $500 a month. I cannot afford it, and that does not include the psychiatrist or the medication. But I am telling you right now, it's a lifesaver, I would go homeless in order to pay that bill if I had no insurance.
It is $125 a session. That is $500 a month. I cannot afford it, and that does not include the psychiatrist or the medication. But I am telling you right now, it's a lifesaver, I would go homeless in order to pay that bill if I had no insurance.
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