citygirl2

It was a year ago today that I broke up with XABF. It was a tough year. Going through the holidays knowing he was with her. Losing my two elderly dogs within five days of one another. Living with anger at him, at her and myself. Losing a friend because he wouldn't stop telling me about the ex and his new girlfriend. Hating to be in my new house because everything reminded me of him. Wondering if the pain of breaking up with him would ever stop.

Well, today things are different. I was driving home today and noticed how beautiful the sunset was. Hundreds of birds were flying through the pink streaks of the sky and I realized how happy I felt.

Thanks to the wisdom and advice of the posters at SR I learned about alcoholism and the destruction it can bring to your life. I also learned how to rebuild that same life after the alcoholic is gone. I'm so grateful to the heartfelt posts and shared insight on SR. And the stickies! I still carry some of them with me to remind me of the lessons I need to learn.

As the year progressed, I spent more time with good friends and family and that has been a great experience. I adopted my "new best friend" from the shelter and she has brought such happiness and healing into my life. I'm not angry at anyone anymore and have forgiven myself for the foolish choices I made. I have also learned not to make them again.

The reason for posting this was to let some of the people who recently left their A's know that things get better with time. This forum was so helpful to me and I'd like to share some of what I learned in my year long journey. Maybe some of the others will add what they learned after they left.

1. When I'm in a relationship with someone and I feel more lonely with them than without them, it's time to move on.

2. I will never again give so much of myself (time, money, services) and get nothing in return.

3. When my partner gives me a reason to doubt the truth, I will trust my instincts.

4. I will never, ever be involved with an alcoholic who is drinking.

5. A partner should bring happiness and fun into your life and not punish you for things you never did in the first place.

Anyone else want to share what they learned?

Learn2Live

6. Have your own friends and hobbies.

oneday66

Great post!
I second everything you say...
I learned so much from this experience..
I learned that abuse can be subtle and involve a gradual wearing down of my boundaries.. i learned to spot "gaslighting"
On a positive note... I actually started to pray and believe in God... I have a spiritual life that didn't exist before all this. I found new friends at Alanon... I have faith...

Tuffgirl

Wow, what a great list! The only thing I'd reiterate, which is already on your list, is that I will always trust my instincts. No more talking myself out of reality.

Thanks for sharing this. There are many people today who will find comfort in your words, and maybe a lesson they can carry around with them, too!

Lynnrae2

Thank you for sharing that post......It is very healing to be able to read that.

After my experience, I will never allow another person to treat me as bad as my A did.

I will also never allow another person to disrupt my life to where it breaks me so much that I need to go to counseling.

I have looked at the last 4 years of my life as a life lesson.


Good for you to finally making it to the other side. Back to happiness!!!!!

ZiggyB

When you see a bunch of red flags you need to run away instead of giving the person 100 chances

I am too loyal, and also stubborn to a fault!

No more guys with anger issues or drinking issues. I would rather become an old maid than deal with that again.

mry

If you need counseling before you marry, maybe it's a sign that you shouldn't marry this person!

MsPINKAcres

I think this was the most valuable lesson I learned in my recovery as far as relationships go. . .

I will never have to beg & plead with a person who loves & cares for me to spend time with me ~ I am a fabulous person and if you want to be in a relationship with me - then you will want to spent time with me ~ if you don't want my company - then I know someone who does - ME & my HP!

I learned to enjoy time alone and time visiting with my HP!

just my e, s, & h ~

pink hugs!

Anon12

In a healthy relationship, your partner wants to help him/herself. They don't let you always pick up the pieces and try to 'fix them'.

Also just because your ABF doesn't verbally or physically abuse you, doesn't mean it's the relationship you deserve. Going AWOL for 12 hours, leaving your girlfriend on holiday to go drinking while she sits in the hotel room not knowing where you are in a foreign country. That still does damage, still causes pain.

Thanks for your post - I really want to feel like you describe. I'm still faking it but hoping if I keep saying above, I will accept it and move on.

itsmylifenow

I concur with Ziggy about the red flags...no more giving a million (I wish it was only 100!) chances to someone whose red flags are flying all over the place.

Along with that is now having the self esteem to see the first red flag and be able to walk away. I no longer wait to see how many more of them there are.

mdkathy62

Hi citygirl2,

Thank you so much for sharing and starting this thread. I left my XABF two weeks ago and these two weeks have taught me a lot. I can't wait to reach one year like you and many more years.

So far, I've learned:

1. His problem is not my problem
2. Words are cheap, I will never just listen to the charming words, but instead, measure the actions that accompany them
3. I CAN choose what kind of life/relationship I want to be in. I don't HAVE to be stuck in a relationship.

In time, I know this list will expand. Thank you SR for the courage to leave him and so far now, two weeks and no contact (def. not an easy feat). Thank you.

trublnshangrila

Absolutely.
Be action focused. And...
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If a person doesn't value you in their life, have the courage to walk. You'll be ok.
I'd rather be alone then stay with someone while they drain the life outta me.

NYCDoglvr

What a beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing your recovery.