It's coming

Old 11-04-2012, 09:21 PM
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It's coming

As the weeks go by, his distance and that of his family, tell me he is spiraling downward. After so many years of alcohol abuse, I think the end is approaching. He seems to be leaving subtle signs that he has given up. The addiction is definitely in the driver's seat and he's along for the death ride. I have little contact with his wife because have asked to be spared the details of his craziness. I have so much anxiety bottled up. I need to tell my stories to someone. I need to tell how i've been hurt by him and his wife. How i feel i've hurt him. I need to get it off my chest and out of my mind. do I know they are hurting too? Of course, but in order for me to live and sane life, I had to detach. There was no help I could offer that would really help them. The guilt and pain I feel still overpowers me at times. I'm not young and through experiences i've had, can usually predict the next " event". So afraid i'll be burying him soon. I'm imagining how i'll react when i'm told the horrific news. Will I cry, or will I nod in acceptance, knowing this day would come. I feel, each day he is "out there", is just one step closer to the end result of this disease. Watching my loved one die one day at a time is unbearable.
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Old 11-05-2012, 04:22 AM
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How sad. I hope you have support in this through Al-Anon.

What is or was his relationship to you?

May you find serenity.
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Old 11-05-2012, 05:14 AM
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I am so sorry that your son is so deep into alcoholism. I am so sorry for the pain that causes you. This forum is a caring, compassionate place to come, full of people who really understand what are you are going through.

Come often, tell us how you feel, what is happening, and know that you will be heard and cared for.

This is a time to take care of you. As difficult and incomprehensible it is at some level, you cannot make your son's decision for him. Remember the three c's: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

All you can do is focus on your own life, your own recovery, as bitter a pill as that may be to swallow.

Let me ask you this: If you changed your name from "Leftover" to something that speaks of your inner strength, your resilience to make something positive, something healthy, of your own life, what would your new name be?

This, I think, is the path to look at, the path to recovering from the stress and physical illness your grief is causing you. It may be that, if your son were himself and not ravaged by this dreadful disease, he would tell you not to waste your own precious life on grief for his damaging choices.

Take care, take heart despite the pain,

ShootingStar1
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Old 11-05-2012, 06:22 AM
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Leftover, Im right there with you, except im the girlfriend. I cant speak to his mom because she doesnt want to see what is happening. I could have written your post-just change wife to "mom and sister" I still have so much guilt, and panic that never seems to subside. There is nothing we can do...and I just couldnt sit back and watch him kill himself.

So what do we do now? We work on ourselves. Continue to attempt to detach, and pray for the best. So much easier said then done...but we can do it.
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Old 11-05-2012, 06:56 AM
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The name "leftover" is not a reflection on any personal opinion of myself. Although after choosing it, i've thought it comical and sad at how appropriate it fits right now. I am going to Alanon, but find it difficult to explain what has been happening. Honestly, they don't want to hear me go on and on. I do know there is not one thing I can do, but I believe he and his wife expect that I will be involved in the insanity. She has told me she will just call when he is dead. That he has an illness and if I don't want to help him when he's ill.....then that is just my choice. I will have to live with it. That is my choice and it is extremely difficult one to make. The best part of me wants to be there for him when times are bad and he is suffering, but the wise part of me knows that will do him no good. With each of those decisions, a little chip breaks from my heart. I'm trying my best to take care of me...reading Alanon literature, going to meetings, talking to all of you on this site. It still hurts to watch him kill himself.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:00 AM
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Shootingstar, Perhaps my new name will be "IWILLSURVIVE". What do you think?
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Old 09-28-2013, 05:34 PM
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Nearly a year has passed since I posted "It's Coming." My son is still alive.. He has another child now and that makes four. He has been in ICU 4 times this year for overdoses. He has been in rehab #9 or 10. I've lost count. He's spent several months in jail. He lost his license for 5 years. He's totaled two cars. He and his family have been homeless. He has severed contact with his mom (me), dad and siblings. He is exhibiting bizarre behaviors and telling even more bizarre stories. I'm now on antidepressants, having nightmares and still pretending I'm Ok. Tis just sucks.
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Old 09-28-2013, 07:15 PM
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Did his wife think another child would make him stop drinking/using?

Serious question...
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Old 09-28-2013, 07:32 PM
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I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful it is for you to see this happening to your son.
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Old 09-28-2013, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Did his wife think another child would make him stop drinking/using?

Serious question...
This was my thought, too. Those poor, poor children. Bringing babies into an alcoholic home is horrible. They deserve better than to grow up in hell.
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Old 09-29-2013, 06:15 AM
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I don't know what the wife thinks. He overdosed and was put in ICU while she was laboring and having the baby in the same hospital. He then spent a week in psych ward and never saw his child. She took him back into the home. The next week he then went to jail for two months and was released a few days ago. She took him back. She does not feel his family is doing enough to support him and his 'illness'. So they have cut ties and all communication with the family. I'm sad. Sad for those beautiful children and so sad for my beautiful son. He is consumed by drug and alcohol addiction and with each year it gets worse and worse. This is a horrible situation. In Alanon I have listened to countless stories about a loved ones addiction and the destruction it has caused. But I have never heard of someone suffering this bad and still living through it. It just keeps going and going. I was I could save those children from the dysfunction of that family, but I am but a bystander and witness. All I can do is pray and grieve for the loss of a relationship with the children.
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:50 AM
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I'm so sorry you continue to be distanced from your grandchildren and son. Addiction just sucks!!

Its great you are going to alanon and continue to work your own recovery. I think one day you'll be the strength and driving force for those grand kids who no doubt are going to need someone who's strong.

**{hugs}}
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