Trying Not to Enable
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
Trying Not to Enable
I started dating my ex-boyfriend in college 5 years ago. I was suspicious of his drinking habits then, but figured that kind of binge drinking was just a college thing. After he graduated, it got worse. Again, I made excuses, "He's just depressed, it's because he's unemployed, I'm sure it's just a phase" but it soon became clear that it was a real issue. We were living together at the time, and it got to the point where he was drinking every night. Some nights he would drink until he passed out on the couch (sometimes I would clean him up and take him to bed - other times I was so angry I just left him there) Some nights he would go out with the guys and presumably stay the night there.
At this point I knew he was an alcoholic, but I was at a loss at how I should react. He is such a great guy when he's sober. He's loving, he's fiercely loyal, he's intelligent. And then when he drinks - it's like I don't recognize him. He's cynical, cruel, and obnoxious. It hasn't just affected our relationship - he has also been losing friendships because of his behaviors.
It came to a turning point in April when, after I expressed my concerns, he broke up with me. In response, I decided to cut him out of my life. His alcohol dependency only escalated, according to worried mutual friends who kept me up to date. None of us knew how to cope with his changed personality and addiction, we only knew that it was getting worse.
I then found out (from him) that during his infamous blackouts, he had committed a few infidelities during our relationship. He woke up with strangers and wouldn't remember how he got there. He admitted that once he had fallen asleep on the street and had to go to the hospital with hypothermia. When he woke up, he had no idea how he had even gotten to the bar district, let alone the hospital.
I still love this man, although I no longer trust him or want to be with him unless he deals with his addiction. Prior to the escalation of his drinking, we had been in a relationship for two years without any cheating. He recently came to me (this week), sober, weeping, and pleading for forgiveness. He admitted he had a serious addiction to alcohol, that he had other issues (citing cyclic waves of happiness and apathy or anger) but that he did not know how to deal with it. He asked for help.
I don't know how to help him, or even if I should. I no longer want to be the enabler. I've read a lot of the literature in the Classic Reading section, and I understand that I did not help matters during those times I put him to bed drunk, or hid his behavior from others (I can't count how many times I assured his parents that he was "fine").
I have always seen a future with this man. I love him. I have already forgiven him, but I know that I have to put myself first and get rid of my codependency. But again, I also want to help him. I can't turn my back on someone I love. I'm proud of him for finally facing his issues.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do?
At this point I knew he was an alcoholic, but I was at a loss at how I should react. He is such a great guy when he's sober. He's loving, he's fiercely loyal, he's intelligent. And then when he drinks - it's like I don't recognize him. He's cynical, cruel, and obnoxious. It hasn't just affected our relationship - he has also been losing friendships because of his behaviors.
It came to a turning point in April when, after I expressed my concerns, he broke up with me. In response, I decided to cut him out of my life. His alcohol dependency only escalated, according to worried mutual friends who kept me up to date. None of us knew how to cope with his changed personality and addiction, we only knew that it was getting worse.
I then found out (from him) that during his infamous blackouts, he had committed a few infidelities during our relationship. He woke up with strangers and wouldn't remember how he got there. He admitted that once he had fallen asleep on the street and had to go to the hospital with hypothermia. When he woke up, he had no idea how he had even gotten to the bar district, let alone the hospital.
I still love this man, although I no longer trust him or want to be with him unless he deals with his addiction. Prior to the escalation of his drinking, we had been in a relationship for two years without any cheating. He recently came to me (this week), sober, weeping, and pleading for forgiveness. He admitted he had a serious addiction to alcohol, that he had other issues (citing cyclic waves of happiness and apathy or anger) but that he did not know how to deal with it. He asked for help.
I don't know how to help him, or even if I should. I no longer want to be the enabler. I've read a lot of the literature in the Classic Reading section, and I understand that I did not help matters during those times I put him to bed drunk, or hid his behavior from others (I can't count how many times I assured his parents that he was "fine").
I have always seen a future with this man. I love him. I have already forgiven him, but I know that I have to put myself first and get rid of my codependency. But again, I also want to help him. I can't turn my back on someone I love. I'm proud of him for finally facing his issues.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi and welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found this site, but of course I'm sorry for the confusing situation that led you here.
You say you have been reading the Stickies -- good. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope there.
It is encouraging that he has expressed a desire to change. Help towards recovery is out there and not that difficult to find if one is motivated.
I have seen two things on this forum over and over -- the first is to pay attention to their actions, not their words. The second is that doing nothing is a choice and an option -- there is always more to be revealed.
If he is serious about recovery, he will show you, not tell you. But you will see from reading here that even the most sincere efforts at recovery are not guaranteed paths to the life you hope to have with this man.
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings? In addition to reading and posting here, the face to face meetings can offer a lot of support and information. They can also help keep the focus on you and what you need. It's so easy to forget that when one is enmeshed with an alcoholic and all the drama that comes with him or her.
I wish you strength and hope to see you around here more often!
You say you have been reading the Stickies -- good. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope there.
It is encouraging that he has expressed a desire to change. Help towards recovery is out there and not that difficult to find if one is motivated.
I have seen two things on this forum over and over -- the first is to pay attention to their actions, not their words. The second is that doing nothing is a choice and an option -- there is always more to be revealed.
If he is serious about recovery, he will show you, not tell you. But you will see from reading here that even the most sincere efforts at recovery are not guaranteed paths to the life you hope to have with this man.
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings? In addition to reading and posting here, the face to face meetings can offer a lot of support and information. They can also help keep the focus on you and what you need. It's so easy to forget that when one is enmeshed with an alcoholic and all the drama that comes with him or her.
I wish you strength and hope to see you around here more often!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
@SparkleKitty -
Thank you so much for the welcome. I have been looking at AlAnon meetings, and I'd like to join one around here. I'm an atheist, so I have to admit that I've been a bit wary, but I'm sure there is one that suits my needs in the NYC area. Either way, I think it's a good step.
Thank you. I'm absolutely going to keep that in my mind. I don't want to feel like I pushed him - I want to know that he's doing it for him, which is why I didn't run back to him when he asked to be together again, why I moved from DC to NY after the break-up, and why I am trying to be more rational than emotional.
This forum seems to be an amazing resource and I look forward to learning from everyone's experiences and struggles, and hopefully helping others as well.
Thank you so much for the welcome. I have been looking at AlAnon meetings, and I'd like to join one around here. I'm an atheist, so I have to admit that I've been a bit wary, but I'm sure there is one that suits my needs in the NYC area. Either way, I think it's a good step.
If he is serious about recovery, he will show you, not tell you. But you will see from reading here that even the most sincere efforts at recovery are not guaranteed paths to the life you hope to have with this man.
This forum seems to be an amazing resource and I look forward to learning from everyone's experiences and struggles, and hopefully helping others as well.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I can't tell you how to proceed. You have to follow your own head and heart.
I will just share my story. Mine with RABF was somewhat simliar (no infidelity that I am aware of). Similar Jeckyl/Hyde kind of stuff -- he was a sober prince or a drunk *****. And it took me a long time to really understand it all -- I was blissfully ignorant of alcoholism. We dated two years u til I couldn't take it anymore and broke things off.
That was the start of him seeking recovery -- he began attending AA, working the steps, etc and is now 120 days sober. A few weeks into his recovery, he told me what I was dung, begged me to give him another chance, he wanted to correct all wrongs and would do anything g to get me back.
That lasted about two months. We are still together. And we do have our good times. But things aren't perfect. While he has had a relatively easy time abstaining from alcohol and no crippling withdrawal symptoms, I think the honeymoon is over and the hard part is beginning. He's having to deal with all the stuff he medicated himself to avoid.
He can be anxious, easily agitated, withdrawn quick-tempered, moody. Our relationship is very surface right now -- not particularly intimate physically or emotionally.
Wich is all to say it is better on the recovery side. But it's no less challenging and confusing, etc.
Wishing you the best!
I will just share my story. Mine with RABF was somewhat simliar (no infidelity that I am aware of). Similar Jeckyl/Hyde kind of stuff -- he was a sober prince or a drunk *****. And it took me a long time to really understand it all -- I was blissfully ignorant of alcoholism. We dated two years u til I couldn't take it anymore and broke things off.
That was the start of him seeking recovery -- he began attending AA, working the steps, etc and is now 120 days sober. A few weeks into his recovery, he told me what I was dung, begged me to give him another chance, he wanted to correct all wrongs and would do anything g to get me back.
That lasted about two months. We are still together. And we do have our good times. But things aren't perfect. While he has had a relatively easy time abstaining from alcohol and no crippling withdrawal symptoms, I think the honeymoon is over and the hard part is beginning. He's having to deal with all the stuff he medicated himself to avoid.
He can be anxious, easily agitated, withdrawn quick-tempered, moody. Our relationship is very surface right now -- not particularly intimate physically or emotionally.
Wich is all to say it is better on the recovery side. But it's no less challenging and confusing, etc.
Wishing you the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
@Jessiec, thank you for sharing your story. It does sound fairly similar to mine - and while I'm open to giving him another chance, I know that it could be extremely difficult. It is really interesting to hear about your relationship's progression, and I hope that my ex wants to take that next step. Congrats to your RABF on the 120 days.
I agree that it is self-medication, and I'm hoping the ex sees that therapy is the most important part of this process. He needs to deal with the depression first, I think.
Thank you so much!
I agree that it is self-medication, and I'm hoping the ex sees that therapy is the most important part of this process. He needs to deal with the depression first, I think.
Thank you so much!
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