kbw2520000

I have been with my alcoholic gf for a little over two years now and when I had met her I was definitely someone who at that point in my life did not know a lot about who i really was and how to express real emotion. now as the years have passed she has been clean and sober for almost a year and I have been to some counseling and al anon, which has really helped me grow leaps and bounds. I know that everyone grows at different rates, however with my GF I still feel as though there are a lot of things that she does that I have really put my foot down on. such as being disrespectful and even just selfish.

I hear that many alcoholics will never change those things because that is who they are. I really dont want to have to walk away from this, but I absolutely have to have respect, especially since not that long ago I was someone who couldnt even respect myself. As I continue to work my program and spiritual path I continuously feel as if she is hurting my esteem and doing more harm then good. Even from a sexual standpoint I have not been able to perform in the ways I would like to, whenever we become intimate I have more feelings of being anxious and on edge, instead of relaxing and enjoying the moment. So i guess my biggest question is will I ever be able to feel that women that I know and see from time to time, or will i always get the disrespectful,controlling, manipulative alcoholic side of her?

redatlanta

I can only give you my experience. My husband is an alcoholic - sober when we met many years.

Very selfish, sometimes disrespectful. VERY controlling - particularly over things he has no control over AT ALL and don't have any affect on either one of us. he expects a lot of attention - more than anyone I have ever met. he wants credit for everything he does and will tell me down to buying toilet paper. Moody as hell. Indecisive - this might be the worst attribute of all. He can't or won't make a decision about anything - I mean even down to the color of shirt he may wear. I learned this "trick" very quickly its so that if something goes wrong or is upsetting about a decision made - yours truly takes the blame (which is no longer why I will make decisions for him). In other words, he is very, very manipulative.

Here are the good things about him. He is super affectionate and very loving. he is very motivating for my career and if I have an idea will help me in anyway he can. He is great at "fixing" things. He is quite funny. He does have my back at all times and if I am upset about something he will be quiet (highly unusual) listen to me, offer advice and hug. He does want me to be happy - this is a bit of a conundrum because he often causes it but it bothers him. He is quick to admit he is wrong and say he is sorry.

Alcoholics are just like any other people, they have good and bad things about them. It seems that the alcoholic personality is common and that sober many of the "bad" things I wrote are common.

If I had to do it over again I wouldn't. No way Jose. I am exhausted. He is also relapsing right now which is very common. The periods of time that we just exist without any issue is very infrequent. He is also often bothered by something and wants me to fix it, or frankly just bitching and complaining about life.

There is little peace in my home.

Just my experience yours may be different.

Sueski

redatlanta, are we married to the same man? LOL

kbw, is she at all able to talk about this? Sometimes my AH will respond to my requests and sometimes not. THere is a great book called The Gaslight Effect, which explains a lot about how people manipulate each other and get suckered into other people's manipulations. The techniques in that book helped me find ways to deal with some of the disrespect. I have no idea if he does this stuff deliberately, but the end result is the same and it's good to have some defenses ready.

Tuffgirl

I know recovering alcoholics who faithfully and completely work programs to change their "character defects". One referred to himself as a reformed a-hole. It can be done. But will she be that person someday? None of us can predict the outcome of that.

So I ask you this: Why is who she is not ok with you today? And is that fair to her? You don't need to answer this...just food for thought. And something we often overlook when we feel victimized by someone we "love". Could it be that maybe this relationship isn't supposed to work? That maybe it has run its course?

Tough questions, I know. I had quite the struggle asking myself the same things. But in the end, regardless of sobriety and recovery for me and my exAH, the relationship just didn't work anymore. We didn't work anymore. It was time to let it go.

soexhausted

kbw252000,
I went to see a therapist who specializes in addiction.
Sexually I became worried that there was something wrong with me.
In my case when my XAGF was drinking she would constantly change her mind about whether she wanted to be in a relationship with me or not.
I was in love with her. So this indecision was extremely painful to me.
When she was sober I still never felt like I was on solid ground with her.
The therapist told me that there was nothing physically wrong with me.
The problem was that she made me feel unsafe. And my subconscious mind was reacting to it.
My body knew that intimacy would only draw me in further.
Even when they stop drinking much of their behavior is still the same.
And by this time we have already been programmed to respond as if they were still drinking.
My body was trying to tell me that this was not the right girl for you.
But for a long time I was unwilling to listen.
Eventually we split. And I am better off for it.
Sometimes we need to listen to what our body is trying to tell us. Sometimes it is smarter then our brain.
P.S. It took some time after being in such a unhealthy relationship but I work fine again.