blowfly

hi there all, i'll try be brief. been with ah 4 years. alcoholism greatly improved in last 12 months. still drinks every day but not to extent it was. he went on a trip for 2 weeks 6 weeks ago. longest we've time been apart. realised when he was away he's never going to give up drinking will always find an excuse. decided to be honest with myself as i make excusses for his behaviour. was amazed at just how messed up we are. always an excuse for why he cant stop drinking, for why not working, for his anger, he's miserable all the time suffering depression (wont admit it) brings nothing to our relationship, lies, deceives and will rarely admit anything is his fault.. i couldnt believe the reliefe i felt when he was away. since he came back we have talked lots about how things are, he turns it round on me or makes excusses. i asked him to leave as i need space to decide how i feel, he ignored it, i asked him again yesterday and he's behaving like the perfect husband today, sometimes i look at him and think i love him and we'll get through anything and other times i just want to go. my head is confused. i know i'll be fine if i go, i worry about he will cope. if he was my boyfriend i would have left ages ago, i dont know why but because we're married it feels different. any one else been through this?

Richie1977

Hi,
Yes I have been through similar, exept I was the drinker. What you have mentioned sounds ever so familiar, it can be turned around if he truly realises what he will lose if he doesn't alter his ways, I'm lucky to be still married to my sweet heart, and our relationship is now stronger than ever.......but I had to choose, after many years of alcoholism, lying, arguing, my wife came home one day and said we have to talk. She then told me that whilst she would always love the man I used to be she did not love the man I had become, and her exact words were" Richard I just don't love you anymore" " I want you to leave".....I took many failed attempt to stop my drinking but I got there, my may have to give him the choice...after all its your life he is ruining

Looking4ward

I've been through this. I was living overseas with him when we got married and sometimes I wondered why he tried so hard to marry me because it was literally months after we met. It does feel different when you're married. Maybe I am just traditional enough to believe that marrying someone makes them your family in a way.
When it broke down for me, it REALLY broke down. I was simply too exhausted. The debt, the constant working on my part, the constant covering of his mistakes, cleaning and managing the finances, and the DEBT, DEBT, DEBT simply crushed me. I went to stay with my family and asked him to move out which he didn't. After going back and forth like that for a while, I finally came to terms with the fact that he had no coping mechanisms to move out or find another apartment. I had to cut my losses and simply find another place.
It still took me an additional 7mos. for me to start the divorce process. Now it has been nearly a year and a half since that initial breakdown. About five months ago, I realized I felt healed. Now I am exploring my wants and desires again, but in a new way. But I had to make the first steps away for myself, not for him or because of what he would not be able to do without me. He has family members and friends who help him, a couple of whom have reached out to me when he tested their strength as well, but I don't really think about it.
One thing, though, I don't really think of "repairing" because that has the idea of going back when I am going forward. I really feel I am on new ground now.
I hope my story helps you. Write me any time.

Tuffgirl

I stayed A LOT longer than I would have because we were married. I distinctly recall one time, while out to lunch on a beautiful sunny day, having a nice time, when suddenly he said something really crappy to me. I won't go into detail about it, but it was meant to hurt. I remember thinking "if we had just recently met, and were on a date, I would never call this guy back again, what a jerk". That was the beginning of the end for me.

It took me a long time to give myself the permission to end a marriage.

Sueski

It's awfully hard to go through life in red alert, and that's what it feels like. Some days it's great, other days lousy. I know exactly what you mean when you say sometimes you think you could make it through anything and other times you just want to go, blowfly.

Maybe that shoe drops, maybe it doesn't, but it's exhausting to always be ready for it. I agree that it is different married than it would be not married. Take care of yourself, whatever you decide. And as people here keep reminding me - you don't have to decide anything today.